Sunday, 10 January 2010
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Is It Still Cheating if We're Unofficial?
Earlier this week, I broke up with my almost-boyfriend of 4 months, because he cheated on me. Well, at least that's my version.
My friend informed me of this news in school. She shares her first block class with him and the girl he cheated on me with. This girl told my friend all about it, just to get it off of her chest, I guess. The boy was hanging out with her at her house (which, as much as I dislike her because I find her to be obnoxious, I didn't mind) and it was there that he had kissed her. When I confronted him, I first asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me, or anything he could think that I could be upset about. He said no. After we started talking, he admitted he went to this girl's house, and when I added "Yeah, and you kissed her," his response was "Yeah. I don't get it, explain this to me. So what?" I didn't talk to him.
I spent the rest of the school day thinking about it and I was fuming over his response, to act like it was strange for me to be pissed that he kissed another girl.
Unfortunately, I did this breaking-up through text messages. I know, it's horrible and stupid to do it that way, but it was the quickest way, and I just wanted him to know we were done. He told me that there was never an "us" to begin with. Really? That's why you made sure to say we were in a "complicated relationship" (because, in his words, "we're not officially dating but I really like you") on Facebook? That's why we've been holding hands and being cute for 4 months?
I've learned since this happened, from him and from my best friend who had a conversation with him, that he doesn't think he did anything wrong, because he's 17, he's not committed to anyone, and me and him weren't kissing on the lips. Does this add up? It was never discussed or mentioned that this was some sort of open relationship. If I'd know it were, I would not have gotten into it to begin with.
Am I exaggerating by saying he cheated, since we weren't official, or is it still cheating?
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About the Author
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- From: whowantstoloseit@xanga
- Name: Hannah
- About Me: I am a woman, a writer, a photographer, a realist, a liberal, a lover, a hater, and a pain in the ass.
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Comments (91)
If it wasn't official, you weren't dating. And he obviously wasn't that into you, or he would have made the move and he was just flirting with you. (Jerk) Or the girl made a bigger move. Sorry :(
there was some kind of....communication problem there.
It's technically not cheating, but that doesn't mean he's still not a jerk, I'd look for more promising pastures regardless.
Yes and no. He did cheat on you because you felt there was a relationship there. He didn't cheat on you because he didn't think there was any relationship. It's just a communication error, but a sad one. Take the lesson as a good one to always make sure both parties feel the same way. That way you won't get hurt this way again, hopefully.
@awkwardangel2@xanga - Agreed. He can only officially cheat on you if you were officially together. "Almost" being together, doesn't cut it. Even in dating, he's single. And you're single. You deserve better anyway. Cut him. And mingle with some better fish.
it's not cheating if you haven't decided to be mutually exclusive. you don't kiss other people if you like someone else, though, so i'm guessing he didn't like you that much. sorry. =/
He's not anything he's just playing the field. If you too weren't "official" than it's free game for both of you. I dated this girl and she went out with other guys and once we were in a relationship it became exclusive.
i don't think its cheating, but i think you're right to break up with him, clearly you two are on separate pages and he seems really immature. He didn't have to tell you but once he realized you knew he should have said sorry that it hurt you. (not for doing it, because if you never decided you were exclusive then he technically didn't do anything wrong)
First: It's quicker over texting? Was meeting him in person REALLY that hard? Learn to communicate properly. Jeez, that shows a lot about your relationship.
Second: If it's not official, it doesn't count. "Complicated relationship on Facebook" means shit. Nothing's official because it's on Facebook. I have girl friends saying they are married to each other on that site. Does that mean that they're REALLY MARRIED?
Third: Not talking to him or answering his question right away probably did a LOT to convince him that you were worth keeping around. This goes back to the whole communication thing. Don't be a whiny teenager and just tell the guy what you really think. "Dating" is different from "being in a relationship." Life lesson.This is why I try to avoid these situations.
I feel that since there weren't any established lines that designated what you had as an official relationship, you technically can't call this cheating. The situation is very confusing though because something obviously was going on or was going to happen. So, not really a textbook definition of cheating, but deception nonetheless. The guy is still an ass though. Sorry. :\
Did you ever establish any boundaries of what was ok and what wasn't? It seems like you assumed a LOT. Do I think he's a douche for getting busy with someone else? Yes, but I think that it's also your responsibility to set some rules before something like this happens.
@Scrooge0@xanga - Yup. Not really cheating because it's not exclusive but that doesn't mean you won't be upset about it. Take @ritaistiny@xanga 's advice and go out and mingle with some other singles.
communication problems, but he sounds like a jerk anyways
The bottom line is if he is not officially with you or kissing some other girl, he is just not that into you. Even if you are not official with a guy, he will go out of his way to make sure you are the only one and you know it. I would just learn from this in the future. Learn that your relationship is what it is. The relationship is what he says it is. A guy saying we aren't officially dating, but I really like you is another way to say...I really like you, but I want to keep my options open incase something better comes along. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but basically he was putting you as second best. You are better than that and you are an amazing girl, I'm sure, so don't let him make your pretty little face pout. Also, a 17 year old boy is usually nowhere near ready for a serious relationship even if he is in one. By him telling you there was never an "us" he is right, but at the same time he knows what he did is wrong, he is just playing the "stupid,you should have known card." Well, honey now you know for the future. So move on, live your life, and find something better.
that is so cheating. and even if technically its not because you two werent together.. it still must have hurt the same. im sorry you had to go through that. sucks so bad.
well even though it wasnt official, you two obviously had something going on.
and theres certain limits with that. but then again, hes seventeendoesnt know shitIt's not cheating in his mind because it was never straight up together, but it is cheating in your mind because you thought you were together. The problem here was there was no communication.
He's a jerk though, if a girl was upset and he even liked you, he would have felt bad.
what's an almost boyfriend?
i don't think it's cheating but i wouldn't trust someone like him because if he could do that to you when you're not even official, what's to say he wouldn't do that to you when you're official. once a cheater, always a cheater.
Being in a complicated relationship is different than an open one...
He sounds like a jerk, and I think you are justified in being peeved. If he really cared about you, he wouldn't have kissed someone else, so I am sure he probably avoided any talks of formalizing the relationship for this very reason.However, this is why you guys should have perhaps set boundaries earlier.
The two of you obviously have been seeing your relationship differently. Thats why you think he cheated and he doesn't. So if you two are on different thinking levels, you weren't honestly in a relationship. Or, you at least shouldn't have been in one with him.
He still should of respected you, even if you two weren't official and @noree_n@xanga - I agree!
As mentioned, you guys weren't dating but i still think he is a A**hole because he wasnt honest with you from the start. He just wanted his bread buttered on both sides and was embarressed by being caught out. In all honesty better you know now, then ending up in a relationship with him.
You two weren't dating. :( I imagine it really sucks to find this out after 4 months of tagging along, but maybe it was just more of a convenient thing than a "complicated relationship." You know; like when he wasn't really talking to any other girl he was talking to you to make himself feel better or just to be happy. He coulda been into you, but not as much as he wanted to be to turn it into a relationship. Maybe a lesson comes out of this? Don't take more than a month to figure things out with a guy you're really into or he might scurry off to someone else. If he's not interested in building something with you in the first month he probably won't ever be interested in building something with you any other time. Sorry, but in my opinion you're overreacting. You weren't official, shoulda set down the lines in the beginning.
I agree with Scrooge0. However, I also think a lot of people were quick to jump on this guy. He's really young. I know of only a very few guys & girls who are mature enough to communicate the particulars of their relationship with one another, and they are much older than 17.
I'd say, in the future, if you're in a relationship with someone-make sure you state what the relationship is to one another, instead of finding out what his idea of it is via facebook. You should be the first to know. And the relationship status isn't just his idea-you're in charge of it too. You sound like a nice girl. You're young, and there really are a lot of good guys out there. Best wishes!