"But not all women worry, or are that complicated. Actually, sometimes we will meet a simple woman but project our past experiences onto her and EXPECT her to be complicated. And in turn, our own insecurity or scars ruin that potential relationship, not her actual flaws."
This was a response to someone else's blog, and when I said that, suddenly it hit me.
How many times have we all done it? Had several bad experiences with a gender, or dating, or in the family, that we projected those experiences onto future encounters? After being used by men, women feel that all men want is sex, women feel that men are inconsiderate buffoons. After being tricked and only realizing what was going on under the surface after the damage is done, men feel that women are manipulative liars.
And the truth is, there are a ton of good girls out there who are smart, funny, energetic, genuine, and not that complicated. There are men out there who actually care, are loyal, are strong, and intelligent. Recently on Datingish, when it comes to posts about playing games or who takes initiative first, more and more girls have been saying that the 3-day rule is BS, or that they would prefer their men being straight with them, whereas just a few years ago, people were starting to advise/be advised to wait 3 days or play all these other games. Now people are saying it's OK to contact them sooner.
Yet upon meeting these simple people, we treat them with the same "social mask" we've learned to acquire in the process of feeling as if we had to change ourself for other complicated people out there - and we expect them to hurt us the same way others did. Yet when they don't, and they were simple all along, it was OUR own complexity that turned the simple people off, and we fulfilled our own prophecy.
Shoot, maybe those "complicated" people who messed us up, were messed up themselves from when THEY used to be simple and genuine.
Are we all screwing each other over in the end?
True
Comments (32)
amen. generalizations ruin everything.
I don't think I would use the word "simple", just "uncomplicated".
I guess the old saying applies,...what goes around comes around and yes, it's affecting us all. Well it does until we get off that merry-go-round and stop the vicious cycle.
yes. it happened to me just recently!
but "simple" people are often uninteresting.
It's a vicious cycle, isn't it?
stop reading datingish, lol!
I hear what you're saying. My last few relationships failed because I was the one who did the whole paranoia thing. In the end, my exes just got sick of it, and I don't blame them.
@mynameisblueskye@xanga - it definitely is and we don't realize it until it's over. so sad.
Social mask-what a great term! I believe you're right, at least to a point, about this...but I'm sure there are other factors at play as well.
@Crushpuppy@xanga - I'm with you, that makes a lot more sense.
the guy directly said that he expected me to be like the other girls that he's dated in the past, bad expectations, so I felt like no matter what I did to be better, his mind is already set on expecting me to be like them and it really offended me. he couldn't get past his past and I couldn't get past his current expectations of me, so that "relationship" didn't last long.
This is too true. Up to now, I catch myself doing this. I don't want to, but I can't help it. Great post.
yep
It's like the polar opposite ends of a magnet. When I was a kid, I liked trying to force the two ends together and would enjoy how they seemed to circumnavigate one another. It wasn't until I turned one of the magnets around so the poles matched that the magnets finally came together.
This is so true dude! Insecurities can stain your eyes!!
Couldn't agree more! From what I've seen; men and women generally start a relationship prejudiced against the opposite gender, whether they are aware of it or not. If they can overcome that, then they have a fantastic relationship. But if they can't...well, look around, look at the tabloids and you can see what happens.
"Are we all screwing each other over in the end?"
Yes. Yes we are. The last guy I was with not only had negative expectations of me, he also assumed I had negative assumptions about him cuz he was a guy (ie, used the "I'm not like other guys" line, when in reality I had been with only awesome guys until him!). And he was the funky way he was cuz a girl he really loved had cheated on him and dicked around with him in the past.
I think once people are battle-scarred they're all kinds of messed up. I try to shake it off, though, and I think I've done a decent job of breaking the cycle. The trick is just to remember that every relationship is different!
I disagree with this in parts.
We DO project our past experiences onto new people, but that usually does not destroy anything. It can cause complications for a while, but it does not have much to do with the other being expected to be complicated. It is just our own insecurities that really hold us back and do damage.
As far as that 3 day rule goes, it IS bullshit; call her the next day. That isn't to say that all games are bullshit. People LIKE to play games. if you appear simple to a girl and boring, she is not going to be interested in you. Girls like games. Guys do. Otherwise, we would not play them.
I believe in being changed by past relationships and being conditioned to not show our true selves in future ones, but I don't like the term "Social Mask" -- it makes the whole process seem calculated and intentional. For most people, I think it's an involuntary evolution.
I agree that it sucks. And I feel that two people can only truly know one another when the "conditioned" sides peel off to expose reality. We need to focus on *being ourselves* all the time, but I know it's easier said than done. This is why so many people blame failed relationships on "seeing someone's true colors" or "getting too comfortable" -- because these things weren't what was visible in the beginning, and they fell in love with the lie.
Good post.
my ex was like that .. and i was simple .. his dam insecurities ruined everything
I really like this post.
@MissPixieGlitter@xanga - Haha true. Perfection is boring.
@Colorsofthenight@xanga - Okay, rephrase all of that in a more arranged, relevant manner and I may consider reading it.
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - it's not complicated. I rambled because it's hard to explain and a sour subject. "I'm not like him!" If you like me then you are and I see a pattern. You are making it difficult. The social mask of expecting one experience to be like another. No two are the same but what you attract and the like of which is probably similar so the mask is a good idea. There are reasons for reactions.
You want something easy.