Q. So my boyfriend is in the Marines (active duty) and is stationed in North Carolina.We just got engaged and now he is getting deployed in January. He says that his shop told him that he couldn't get married so close to being deployed, and that we are going to have to wait to get married when he gets back. Now, I have had a few friends marry marines and I don't think that they had any problems with it. He also brought up a few other things that kinda worries me. Like how we may not even get married because deployment changes a person. I can understand that it would change him but why would it change his decision to marry me? Can the military really tell us when we can and can not get married? Or is he just making up reasons not to get married to me?
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My husband is a retired Marine. He says absolutely not. Sounds to me like he's lying.
No, I don't think it's an excuse besides what's wrong with waiting for him to come back to marry him? There's no difference than being married now and waiting to get married later except for legal benefits and the title of being married because he'll still get shipped out and nothing will change the distance between you nor will the relationship change much if at all any.
Then again this is just my opinion of as a youngin. =P
No, they can't tell you anything about getting married or not. Is he lying? Plenty of males deploy and have families. It might be unwise to go against direction, maybe it's his peers. And what does marriage matter anyway? If you're together then you are together. That could be a financial mess if something were to happen or you become pregnant.
People tried to pressure me into marriage, but I don't love like normal people. I'm still working on getting rid of the final problem.
USMC can do whatever it wants. Different fields have different rules. My husband was on MSG duty and as I recall, he was absolutely not allowed to get married (not that we wanted to at the time, mind you - it's something that came up later).
I think your guy loves you but is scared to death of what will happen to him out there. Deployment is a big thing, and it is what he signed up for. But we all have to admit that there have been horror stories abound about what happens to a man out there. Maybe he doesn't want YOU to be stuck with him if he does change. That's my two cents.
I'm married to a former marine, it's been a year and a half now... Marines are tough animals - but each one is different. You know your man best, go with your gut. And last but not least, communicate. Listen to his side, ask questions if you have to. Neither of you are mind readers. If he doesn't want to marry you, he'll have to say so in as many words.Good luck, and keep us posted ;)
I can't say if he is lying or not. I know a girl who married a marine and when he came back from deployment he was so different that they got divorced. I don't see an issue with waiting. Still, it does not sound right that the marines are telling him he has to wait to get married...but you never know, they could have their reasons.
Hmm, I wouldnt be surprised if the military tried to control it. Most couples who have an SO in the military that i know got married before their SO even joined, so I dont know anything about getting married right before deployment.
Deployment will change people. How can it not? Its a huge deal! I'm not saying its for the bad or that he wont love you anymore when he gets back, but I'm just saying expect that things will be a little different and be prepared for both of you to re-adjust.
But I would say dont worry about it and just wait till he gets back. If you truly love one another there's no reason to rush into anything, you'd be confident that things will work out in the end. And dont forget, good things come to those who wait.
@KristenWolfe@xanga - its semper fi...always faithful.
i think war is enough to traumatize anyone let alone someone who is planning on getting married. He is not only thinking about himself out there he now is thinking abt you...if something does happen, god forbid, hes prob scared to death about how he would be leaving you.
hes just nervous and I am sure he loves you a lot. Dont worry about that right now. Try and give him all the support he needs before he heads out. Try and not bring up the marriage thing...he has enough on his mind.
He may just be afraid that he (a) might not come back, or (b) might become a different person. He could be trying to protect you from getting hurt, so don't judge him too quickly.
If you saw "Brothers" recently that might have scared the begeezus out of him.
yeah, why would deployment make him not want to marry you?
maybe he's afraid it'll change him to the point where you wont love him anymore.
well ive talked to many many army and marines who were deployed and one way or another they have been affected by deployment. think about it, they are going to be in rough rough conditions for a long time, they will be shooting at people and most likely killing them too. and the ones that i have talked to who were married, every single one of them did not last. and many as well have come back with ptsd which can screw with them as well. they don't want to still be affected by what they have seen and many feel emasculated when you try and help them.
but there are also the cases where being married works. for me i would say you should wait, it will be hard with him gone so long but also time to see if he will change. i do feel that he might now be lying but rather afraid of what will happen. maybe he is afraid that you will cheat or maybe he is afraid you won't love him after he changes if he does. just try and maybe you can get married mid- deployment leave?
Maybe he said you can't get married before he leaves because he doesn't want to rush things. He doesn't want to push the wedding just because he's getting deployed. But if he truly wants to marry you, it shouldn't matter if it's tomorrow or in a year. And yes, deployment will change him....maybe he's afraid YOU won't love him anymore, not that he'll change his feelings for you. It sounds like he's just really scared right now....to leave you, be somewhere foreign and be in the midst of a war. It's a lot to handle, so just be supportive and keep communicating and letting him know that it's okay to be afraid and to share his feelings about marriage and deployment with you.
His shop may have suggested he not get married until after his service is done. As far as I know, the military has no right to discourage marriage. And besides, what's the rush? Are you just doing it for the benefits?
What? I'm a Marine wife and the military cannot tell someone they are not allowed to get married. That is such a lie. My husband has done 2 deployments and the only thing that has changed between us is his love got deeper for me because I was here wating for him month after month ..
Dont marry someone shady. Divorce is ugly and shouldn't be something you should worry about before you even get married!
Oooh. A marine.
Like everyone else says. He can get married to you. Talk it out. We'll never know his reason. You just need to ask. Good luck.
He may be really scared about coming back a different person. He may think that you may not want him when he comes back, or that when he comes back...he may be different.
I have a friend who was deployed with the National Guard, he came back a darker, more serious person.
Generally speaking, no the military really can't tell you whether or not you guys can get married. When I got deployed back in '05, I knew 3 of my fellow Marines who got married a week right before they deployed. I don't know what the rules now but I can't imagine it being any different. I hope he's not making reasons to not wanna marry you because if there's one thing I don't like is being given the run-around. The only thing I can really suggest is you guys get some alone time and have a SERIOUS talk about this. I hope everything works out for you. Keep us posted!!!
Technically, no, they cannot tell you to not get married. However, his specific command can advise against it, and it's usually wise to follow their "suggestions".
If he is leaving soon for a deployment, I would not rush into a marriage with him unless you two have discussed this and you need the spousal benefits that come with the military (housing, medical, etc.). Then I could see you getting married so soon. If you don't really need these, then I would really consider waiting around for him to get back. Be as supportive as you can from a distance. Send him care packages and letters, and be available for phone calls (my phone goes into the shower with me most of the time). Do what you can to be a supportive girlfriend/fiancee and marriage will come. Deployments are hard, especially for men and women in the Marines and Army. I can't speak for the Air Force, but I know the Navy does a lot from a distance (my husband is in the Navy), so while they do fight in the war, it's not as direct, and many times they don't have to deal with seeing the casualties left behind (beyond an exploding boat, etc.). Those in the Marines and Army may see and experience more death. That can seriously mess a person up, and he may need some time even after returning to deal with all the things he will have seen. My father was in the Army during the Vietnam War and earned a Purple Heart. He still cannot talk about it with me, and he's 60 years old now. He has always been a dark person to me, but his first wife can testify that when she first met him, he was not that way at all.
Depending on the command, they may require some paperwork (usually just a notification) at least 45 days in advance of the intended wedding date. Usually you don't get in that much trouble for breaking that rule, but it can make you look bad in front of your chain of command, which can sometimes be worse than just getting punished. And yes, sometimes a deployment can really change a person depending on how it goes, but if you make sure to stay in touch however you can so he knows you're behind him 100% of the time it can make a huge difference. I wrote my brother every week when he was deployed, and he usually got to call about once a month (he was in Iraq), and he says knowing people cared made all the difference in the world. Obviously you care about him if you want to get married, but the little reminders can really make your day. Other than that, I wish you both luck and that things will work out for you.
They told my husband he couldn't marry me while in transition, and we did anyway. It's something that they can say, as in a preference, but he wouldn't get in trouble for marrying you anyway.
If it's that important to you to get married before deployment, then you need to discuss it with him, but if you can wait, and it's what he prefers, it might be better to do just that. So many things change so quickly with the military and everyone knows deployments are extremely difficult, but you can get through them as long as you know that you're promising to love him no matter what and vice versa. Nothing will test that the way the military will. If you can make it through everything, it will make your relationship so strong.
Good luck to both of you and congratulations on the engagement.
Enlisting in the military pretty much means you are letting the government own you so yes, they can tell you when you are allowed to get married. A couple of friends wanted to marry each other before going into boot camp for the Navy and although the ceremony was okay, they could not sign papers to make it a legal union.
He's probably just fearing the worst in this case. After all, deployments are dangerous. Perhaps he's fearing he won't come home to you the next time he deploys, therefore leaving you a widow at such a young age.
Deployment absolutely can change someone. My boyfriend is a Marine (deployed 3 times) and there are things I know not to do around him because it brings up things. They have to be a different state of mind when theyre out there and so coming back after so long takes some time to readjust.
I think he might say that just because hes fearing the worst and not knowing what kind of person he'll be when he gets back or if youre feelings for him will change.
As for actually getting married, he still can marry you. Theres nothing against that.
@the_hidden_angel@revelife - agreed.
@ShamrockLover@xanga - Yup, I agree completely.
He is afraid of marriage and responsibility , so he is making up reasons to escape . It is better for you not to marry such a coward than to find him running away after leaving you with children later on .