How many times does one hear of a girl choosing a jerk over a self-proclaimed “nice guy”? Personally, I hear of this more often than makes sense. If the guy is truly as nice as he claims, and the other guy really is an asshole, than any reasonable girl would choose him over his foe, right?
Not necessarily.
People do not choose who to date solely based on who’s the nicer person. This does not always mean they are unreasonable; it means that there are other components of compatibility that are taken into account, and the “nice guy” doesn’t always fit the bill.
Don’t misunderstand: sometimes girls really do choose poorly. It simply seems to me that a lot of those guys who are expecting sympathy for their failure in pursuing a girl have a lot of things in common.
One thing seems to be pretty much universal: A lot of these guys lack confidence.
Yes, they might listen to her talk about her problems for hours on end, and they might be incredibly sympathetic to her plights, but how often do we hear that they gave solid opinions about said problems? How often are they willing to tell the girl that they think she should have done A instead of B? Yet they use such conversations as a point in their favor; since they listened, it helps to entitle them to a shot with the girl. There’s certainly nothing wrong with letting someone vent, and it is kind to allow someone to if they need it, but complaining that the person used you to vent when things didn’t go your way in the end? Well…
The nice guy is also known for being reluctant to tell the girl his feelings. While I understand that they may have insecurities and a fear of rejection, never putting yourself out there is going to negatively affect your chances of getting someone to date you. You can drop hints all you want, you can become someone’s best friend, etc, etc, but if they never are flat out told you like them, chances are they won’t pursue you. Sometimes this is because they like you and are also afraid of rejection. And sometimes this is because they simply won’t consider what you’d be like to date until the idea smacks them in the face. Either way, it’s silly to expect things to go your way when you don’t take the steps that could lead to things going your way.
Some of these guys label themselves “nice” because they never express their opinions, and therefore rarely, if ever, cause problems. While this is somewhat commendable, it is not attractive. Such a lack of expression makes the person in question seem devoid of personality. Opinions--likes, dislikes, what’s important, what’s moral--are what I believe creates the individual. The majority of people who are looking for an SO are not looking for an extension of themselves. They’re looking for another human being who’s compatible with them. Those who are afraid to show that they are unique are unlikely to seem unique, and are therefore going to get lost in the crowd. Most people don’t want to date pushovers--it gets uncomfortable having to make every decision in a relationship, especially if you’re unsure what the other person thinks about your choices.
Again, not all nice guys are low in confidence. Not all of them are pushovers. And not all of them are given a fair chance in the dating world. It simply seems that a lot of them fall into the illusion that their so-called ‘kindness’ is their ticket to a girlfriend, causing them to go about getting one the wrong way and failing.
I give props to those guys who would never treat a girl poorly, who would listen to her problems and hold her as she cries, and who are willing to go out of their way to help her. Please, however, realize that you’re not alone there, and it takes more than the actions of a friend to get her to want you as more than a friend.
Thoughts?
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Comments (193)
my boyfriend is soo nice and sweet, and he got me :)
i usually date not-so-nice guys though.. i always feel like i can change those guys but it never works outim more into who the person is and if i like them than whether they are nice or a jerk thoughyou like who you like!! :)its all about the connection..Ah, this topic again.
The thing that bothers me is when they feel they are entitled to something because they are nice to you. What's wrong with just being a good person & helping a person out?
I actually prefer the nice guys.
I agree with this post. Someone shouldn't complain if they are not willing to put in the effort to at least try a relationship with a person they like; furthermore, most "Nice Guys" aren't actually nice. Some good (but long) essays that dissect most who propose themselves as nice guys:
One.
Two.
Three.
I'm not saying nice guys don't exist though. It's just that there are definitely those that claim the title, but aren't actually nice.
@DiscordInTheGarden@xanga - OMG! This! If having to hear people's problems and be there for them entitles you to a relationship, doctors and therapists must be getting ~busy~.
i read an article, and it basically stated the reason, ie. pushover, insecure,shy etc. nice guys are cool but they just need to speak up and say what they want, but that doesnt mean im into assholes though
Hmm, my boyfriend is the "nice guy".. and just like @freebirdxox@xanga said, "He got me"
I am known as the "nice guy." Unfortunately, most nice guys don't have confidence with women. This turns women off. Women don't usually want insecurity kissing them on the first date, or insecurity saying, "How'd I do?" after the first romantic encounter, IMHO. But there are plenty of nice guys out there and do have confidence.
One thing I've discovered is that rather wild women who are tired of the "bad boys" will latch onto me. It's happened more times than not. And, being secure enough (not a studmuffin or player, mind you), I fall into that cycle known as "history repeating itself." Next thing I know, I'm having the time of my life with a wild woman. Then I begin to realize the give and take is not so "give and take," and I'm doing all the giving. Pretty soon I'm taking--off (as in taking off).
I think certain people are attuned to stereotypes and both draw those stereotypes and are drawn to them. Cycles being and personal histories become repetitive. Until one wakes up and says, "What the hell am I doing going out with another red-headed hermaphrodite?"
I believe everything you've said is 100% true. There are also those self-proclaimed nice guys who are actually not so nice as they let themselves think. Sometimes when a girl thinks they've actually found a confident nice guy they guy ends up having jerk qualities. Kinda strange.
Nice guys usually don't fit the bill, I need a guy who stands apart from the others.
i can't agree more.
I pretty much agree with the whole post.
I'd also like to add that (in my case, and with a lot of girls I know) Interesting > Nice. As in, being nice is good, but you're whole pitch can't rest on that. I'd rather date someone not as nice who isn't boring (not saying nice guys are automatically boring, just that there are other traits that may legitimately take higher priority.)
@democrab@xanga - I got a new spin on this topic to come. Don't worry.
Here's the thing.. for me at least..
Some guys are nice.. but too nice. It's kinda a turn off when he agrees with everything you say, calls you pet names all the time, buys flowers and such often. I guess maybe that's just me.
I like to have some sort of challenge, some mystery. I don't like the assholes but i don't like the nice nice guys. A balance is good.
@DiscordInTheGarden@xanga - gah.. so true.. that's so annoying.
aii-ya, no more of this nice guy, bad boy, mama's boy types and such. stop playing games to "get" someone. do what you think is right in the world. love will find you. eventually everyone will end up with who they're supposed to be with. the end.
True.
I love nice guys, but they don't assert themselves. I don't want to be presumptuous and go for it myself, y'know
I agree.
A lot of nice guys I know tend to be super clingy..
That doesn't mean an asshole though, it means ... be a good person but try to still maintain confidence.
as much as i don't like calling myself a nice guy, deep down, i'm
somewhat of a nice guy, for example, i would never hit a girl, i'll
hold doors for girls/ladies/elders, i'll give my seat to elders, and
most certainly i do not like seeing a girl cry and i'll do my best to
make them smile. but hey, i can get girls, whether or not i try. it's
true, i've been rejected by some, but i've also been successful too.
each and every one of us is unique. though we can be grouped
into similar category (say nice), we could also easily be classified
into some other category (fun, exciting, or intelligent). the thing is
there's a spectrum, actually many spectrumz, nice vs jerk, optimistic
vs pessimistic, good vs evil, rich vs poor, extrovert vs introvert,
pretty vs ugly, strong vs weak, intelligent vs retard, athletic vs
inflexible, overconfident vs lack of confident, fun vs dull, etc. all
these spectrumz, wherever you may stand in these spectrumz, will make
up an unique combination. and whether or not that there are
combinations similar to yours, chances are rare. even twins aren't the
same sometimes. but yeah, that's just my thought.
Pretty much agree with this article. I used to be said nice guy. Too bad every girl I liked would put me in the "friend zone" and after getting screwed over a few times, I just became pretty jaded. I stopped putting girls up on a pedestal and just decided that I didn't care what they think about me. Either you like me or you don't.
Way too many stupid 18-25 year olds post on this site. lol
You're right. I dated a nice guy and loved him. Every bit of him, until I realized that he couldn't think for himself or stand up for what he loved.
Finally! An article about this subject that I whole-heartedly agree with. Not all "nice" guys are "nice" and too many think their "kindness" will get them laid.
Appearance and self confidence play a huge factor in this as well. Nice guys tend to be like Mike Cera in Youth in Revolt (or any other movie he's in).
Basically, the Nice guys like to aim for somewhat hotter girls, who are usually out of their leagues. I've seen Nice girls do the same thing, and am probably guilty of it myself. If you don't work out, don't dress to flatter your assets, etc. you're probably not going to woo the cute girl (or guy) in your class. In other words, being a tender-hearted pushover isn't going to help you. Neither will being a vindictive manipulator.
I'm not mad at all Nice guys, just the Nice guys who tried to make me feel bad for not falling in love with them. How is that my fault? You know what I mean? Love isn't exactly an orgasm. I (at least) can't fake it.
lovee this.
nice guy or ahole, I just want a guy that is continuously interesting, makes me feel emotionally secure and I feel comfortable around him. most guys, nice or ahole, do things to annoy me and the annoyances build up and I can't stand them. I'm intolerant