Friday, 08 January 2010

  • Learning From Past Relationships


    I’ve went out with a delightful bunch of boys.  They have had issues with anger, personal hygiene, their own sexuality, the truth and commitment.  That wasn’t just one person!  I went out with a thirty year old who would put me down, criticize  my personality, insult my appearance, would ignore me, get drunk and belittle me and insult my family and friends.  I also went out with an 18 year old who told me he was dying of cancer (this was 5 years ago) and he is still alive and still has no signs of cancer.  I also had a guy that threw me against his bedroom wall because I wouldn’t have sex with him. 

    Who we chose to go out with is a reflection of who we are.  What does that make me?  A victim?  Someone once said to me that no-one can love you until you love yourself.  These guys treated me like crap because that’s how I thought I should be treated. 

    I’ve met a new guy and we have been on a few dates.  He listens to me, takes me places that are exciting, hasn’t tried to get me drunk and sleep with him and even bought me a little present.  It made me realise that despite having had 5 boyfriends not one of them has ever made the effort this guy is making.  (Yeah I know I’m sure by other people’s standards he isn’t making much effort but it’s a vast improvement!)

    That’s because I’m holding back, I’m not bombarding him with texts, getting drunk and telling him my life story or showing any weakness, but at the same time I am being myself.  In the past I've tried to be who the guy wants me to be because I've felt that I'm not the sort of person that a guy would want to have a relationship with.  Even if things do not develop between me and the guy I now know what I want from a relationship and what I need to do in the future to make one work. 

    There are times when I hate myself and think I deserve to be treated like shit but I have to appear less vulnerable.  I have to be the person that I know (deep-down) I really am.  I have to be equal in a relationship and not dependent upon the other person or let them control me.  I now know that it's not just about having a boyfriend, it's about having someone who treats you right, respects you and loves you for who you are.  If I've learned nothing else from the past it's that for a relationship to work I have to learn to love myself. 

    Has anyone else learned from a previous relationship?  Have they realised anything about themselves that they want to change? 

Related Posts

Comments (35)

  • suggestivetongue@xanga

    I consider every relationship I'm in a learning experience whether they work or not The most I've ever wanted to change about myself isn't really about myself but about how I deal with my life while in a relationship. Often times I focus too much on the relationship and my partner and lose the balance in life between other important things. It's important to remember you are your own identity as well.
  • Meowmeowkimmaee@xanga

    I've dated a few hypocrites and it's made me see that I am sorta like them. I wholeheartedly agree with this post though, well done! I think the "reflection of who we are" has to do more with compatibility than the way we should be treated, though that is an equally important aspect.

  • cornyonacob@xanga

    "I’m holding back, I’m not bombarding him with texts, getting drunk and telling him my life story or showing any weakness."

    yeah those usually aren't things you want to do in a relationship. durh.
  • x_quach@xanga

    Wow.  this somehow inspired me to believe that I may am going through the same thing but then again, I'm still only 19 and I just broke up with my last bf about 3 days ago, not because of anything he did wrong, but I wanted time for myself because I just wasn't happy anymore. Anyways, Good luck!! 
  • heavy_lightness@xanga

    @cornyonacob@xanga - Oh that's where I was going wrong then :P
  • Starring_Hobo89@xanga

    He seems nice. Don't mess it up with him because then he'll become as bitter as you (about relationships).

    Good luck.
  • AbsoluteGirlfriend@xanga
    Yeah, I can DEFINITELY say that I've learned a lot from my previous relationships. I mean honestly, learning and growing is just about all I CAN do.
  • Alchemism@xanga

    my relationships have taught me TONS.
    when you said 'who we choose to go out with is a reflection of who we are' really hit me hard. it almost made me feel like an idiot.. >.<

    but it's the truth. good luck with this boy - he seems like he's completely falling for you. and you hit the nail on the head - 'even if things do not develop between me and the guy I now know what I want from a relationship and what I need to do in the future to make one work.'


    that's the key.
    good luck & all that jazz. :]

    xo 
  • reddoorr@xanga

    most guys i dated started out being really sweet to me and getting tired of me towards the end.  I just got out of a recent relationship and this by far was the worst relationship i've ever been in just cuz he turned out to be insecure and jealous that he slapped my face when i was talking to a classmate of mine which he didnt' want me to hang with. anyways if there's anything i learned from the past relationship is that... DO NOT BE SO CLINGY BC GUYS DO NOT LIKE THAT.  it's obvious but true.  they always like me when i'm not interested in them but the moment i start to like them, they start distancing themselves from me.  the only reason i could guess is cuz maybe i get too clingy??


     anyways, please read my blog and comment.  I really need advice.

  • hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga

    One lesson i learnt from past relationships is - don't date/marry someone who is your total opposite. 

  • Galbsadi@xanga

    @hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga - How true indeed.




    Another lesson to add: if they seem too good to be true, they probably are.  (I'm not saying that they can't be great...but let's be realistic.)
  • hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga

    @Galbsadi@xanga - Ouch - but not about to pack my bags just yet

  • hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga

    @Galbsadi@xanga - thanks believe me that will never happen again!!!!  the previous post was from my b friend hehehe
  • mywordsx@xanga

    Yeppp, I can totally agree...
  • thoughts

    I've only had two past relationships, and they were both what I
    considered serious- both lasted for about a year. But I'm glad for
    them, because I learned a lot about myself. From the first
    relationship, I learned that I was too clingy, overemotional, and
    demanding. From the second relationship, I learned that I was too
    insecure, and also that I should never settle for less. Because I
    should never feel like I'm not good enough and settle for a guy that
    isn't what I'm looking for.

    also,
    @Galbsadi@xanga - this is truth.
  • superGchik@xanga

    i definitely have.  i'm still learning now but i have finally know what i want and what kind of person i want to spend my life with and i know what i can stand and not stand.  i've learned what to do and what not to do.  it's hard because sometimes we don't know what we've done right or wrong until it happens.  it definitely sucks but it's the truth.  sometimes we have to fall rock bottom to learn from our mistakes, other times, we just watch and learn.
  • ScorpioInBlack@xanga

    I've learned that I don't communicate my frustrations and disappointments--allowing them to fester and then harboring resentment.  Bad for any relationship.
  • omggsoozin@xanga

    I've learned that people don't change. If they do change, they want something from you. ;)
  • feelslikejuly@xanga

    Very good post. 
  • mirrorslie@xanga

    I've only had one small relationship, but I can't even begin to say what I've learned. I guess the main points would be: If you feel inadequate, you're with the wrong person (I guess that's pretty obvious, but I didn't realize it). And if they focus too much on past girlfriends, that probably means that they're not over them. Exes should be in the past for all intents and purposes, unless they're stalking or something crazy. You should be the person's favorite.
  • lostinthought86@xanga

    Yes, I've learned a lot from previous relationships.  I know exactly what kind of guy that I'd like to be with in a relationship. I know all the red flags to look for and not tolerate under any circumstance.  
  • xkthily@xanga

    i only had two relationships, but i learned a lot from them. don't deal with cheaters and don't rush things.
  • foolishmistakeZ@xanga

    excellent post! agree 100% .. i've also learned i must respect myself, there are boundaries .. leave fi they are treating u poorly 
  • Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga

    @mirrorslie@xanga - lol i learned like the exact same lessons from my first bf ... which only lasted 3 months, but. i guess its just a huge learning experience that first time around
  • XoAsianBabioX@xanga

    life's nothing but a learning experience.

  • Choose Identity

  • Give eProps (?)