Considering the amount of people that have commented that I need to let the guy pay for me every once in awhile, and let him open doors, I figured I might as well explain the rest of why I hate letting the guy pay. It's actually not just that. I also don't like it when I'm about to open the door myself and the guy reaches around me and opens it. The only time it doesn't bother me is if I have my arms full, like when I'm at a store. Of course when I need someone to open the door for me, they usually just stand there and stare unless I ask them to open it. It annoys me like no other.
When a guy helps me put my coat on, it makes me feel like a little kid that can't figure out which sleeve to put my arm in. When a guy unlocks my car door first, it's fine. When he opens it and waits until I'm in the car to shut it is fine. What sucks is that I usually drop things when I try to get into the car, or I forget to zip my purse and things fall out, than I have to be like 'oops, sorry. I'll get that, you can go ahead.' It just makes everything awkward. How about after a date when the guy gets out of his vehicle and walks you to the door? I hate it. Okay, we're at the front door and I'm banging on the door to be let in while the guy stands there and watches. Am I supposed to stare back? Or just ignore the fact that I'm standing here looking like an idiot while he stares at my back? I've only had a couple of guys actually walk me to the door, and it's usually after only the first date. My most recent 'find' walks me to the door every single time, even though it's only about 25 degrees out. I'd rather him just go ahead and stay in his truck so we're both not freezing our butts off.
A little bit of chivalry is alright, but all the time just is annoying. It makes me feel as if the guy thinks I can't do anything for myself, and when I actually need help with something, I don't ask because he's already done too much.
Is there anyone else that feels the same way?
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Comments (198)
Yes!
I respect your feelings, but I feel the opposite way
No. Guys who are actually attentive like that were taught to be that way. I don't think they're doing it because they think you're not capable of doing it on your own. It's considered polite.
They walk you to the door to make sure you don't get raped on your doorstep. They open the door for you because it's a nice gesture. They open the car door, close the car door, help you get out because when it wasn't considered some kind of anti-women gesture, women wore skirts and dresses and probably didn't want to flash anybody.
Hm. I think there's a fine line between a guy who is overbearing and clingy vs a truly chivalrous guy who is attentive and wants to do for a girl. I like doors held open for me and wouldn't mind if a guy wanted to pull out my chair help me into my coat. Shrug.
I don't know if the date is a stranger, acquiantance, or friend, but I like to think you would date a friend. that said, wouldn't you guys be talking in the cold and doing something, be natural, not to say you have to break formalities. like most guys, I want someone hot to go out with, but again like most guys, I think we go out with someone we know and like, someone we get along with, someone where there aren't awkward silences so many times. Talk about it with your date, don't be too personal depending on how close you guys are, but this is something you can talk about. Also, just date people that aren't chilvalrous.
I always feel that if I guy isn't willing to do some supposed chivalrous action for another man (e.g. opening a door, giving up his seat), then he shouldn't be doing it with me or other women. It's not about being nice, it's about gender role reinforcing traditions that originated from the goddamn medieval times. Medieval times, people! You think women were regarded as their own autonomous beings at the time. I'll give you a hint: no.
I think you just want a guy that's not clingy, a chilvalrous gentleman is never annoying.
I disagree.
I am perfectly capable of opening my doors, pulling out my chairs, walking to the door... but I adore it when a gentleman opens my door, takes my coat, helps me put it on, pulls out my chair. I feel a little pampered and a little spoiled, and in a lot of men it seems to fade after a while, so enjoy it while you can. I harbor no false illusions that they believe I cannot do these things for myself, but instead believe they're trying to be helpful and polite.
I have a friend that any time I hang out with him he will either walk me to the door or wait in the car until I am safely inside. I appreciate that he cares enough about whether or not I'm safe to pay attention to that sort of thing. *And the response when he's walked me to the door is a hug and a thank you.*
And, at least for me, appreciating those little things has made it so that when I need help they aren't afraid of helping me and know that it's not how I usually act or what I am usually burdened with. I don't have to ask.
No, you're 'effing weird. I always am prepared to do things for myself, but when a guy does it, it sets him apart. It lets me know how interested he is.
If he opens a door for me, or gives me his jacket so I'm not cold it means more than a guy who just says nice things.
No you aren't. However, I'm not in the same boat as you.
This guy I know always talks about how he tries to act chivalrous to his girlfriend but two weeks later, she says, "I can get the door myself, thanks." So you're not completely alone, just an outlier :)
As chivalrous as I am, I can understand where you are coming from, I could see a guy coming off as annoying if he's encircling you all the time.
helping me put on my jacket is a bit too much. he doesn't have to walk me to my home's door unless he expects a hug and kiss goodbye and I don't mind if he does that every single time that we go out if I'm very interested in him. otherwise, it is okay if he just watches me from his car until I'm safely inside my home. I like to carry my own things and it does feel weird if he insists on carrying everything while I walk with my arms freely flailing around with nothing to carry
if we're going out to a fancy dinner date and he opens the car door and pulls the restaurant chair for me, then I'm okay with that. it really depends if I like the guy a lot or not. usually if I like him a lot, I don't mind chivalry. if he is an acquaintance or stranger, it feels weird because it is unexpected and not everyday do strangers go out of their way to be nice to me. I'm not offended by it. it would make my day if a stranger was chivalrous since it doesn't happen often to me.
I happen to like chivalrous actions in guys . It's one way to get a females attention. It's showing respect & that's cool with me
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you're not alone, but you are part of a minority.
Yes, there are others. And that's why chivalry is dying. So why is it that there's so many women still complaining about it? Men don't even know what to do anymore.
i would think it was adorable if my boyfriend helped me put my coat on. he never lets me open the door or pay for movie tickets or meals, and he always walks me to the door, and i'm fine with that. i don't see it as a sign of him thinking i'm weak; instead, i see it as him loving me enough to put me on a pedestal and care for me in every way possible. he respects me, he knows i can do all that for myself-he just loves me enough not to let me, lol.
No.
hm. my bf doesnt open the car door or anything ... which is fine, really. i'd be weirded out if that were always true. but he DOES always pay for me when we go out, sometimes i still think thats weird ... if its like in a group? i wouldnt mind contributing, you know? but whatevs, he's being sweet. and he always walks me into my house but ... thats usually because we tend to make out a little while each time before he leaves lol. he usually comes inside for a few minutes, at least. idk, i didnt really think of it as chivalry, i just always think its nice.
i don't like the concept of chivalry, but i'm not going to hate on someone who's genuinely trying to be polite. however, i would love it if everyone were courteous (held doors, offered helped, offered seats) to everyone else regardless of either person's gender. i don't want a guy doing for me anything he wouldn't do for another guy; we're all just humans, and their Y chromosome does not obligate them anything to my XX.
Im the exact same way and nobody i know gets it. They just look at me like "Are you crazy?"
The OP was the same girl that made a post thinking she was an ideal girlfriend and wondered why guys were telling her that she was not girlfriend material.
Ladies, these types of "independent" girls are the reason why chivalry is on life support. They overdo it and get hostile to "prove" their independence.
Well, I've met and known women that are standing strong on their own two feet and are not afraid of extra pairs of helping hands "weakening" them.
Yes, I know what you mean, but I still like it when guys do random acts of chivalry every now and then, hehe.
@salvatruca_stalking_havok13@xanga - "Medieval" traditions are not bad. It's a shame that many traditions and cultures are washing out.
I am a guy and I agree with the idea of some guys are too chivalrous. But I do agree on some people saying men are taught to do so and it is a sign of politeness.
I don't really know how I feel about all of this. I think it's cute at the beginning maybe a first date, but I also feel at times that I should be doing more because I know how to open doors. I definitely think guys should pay for dates but up to a point where its mutual and then paying should be shared. I like having doors opened for me but sometimes the guy isn't fast enough... And yes it is considered polite especially since it shows that he respects you a little bit for you to deserve that kind of treatment, but the little itty bitty strong female in me says "let me open the door!! i have arms. :) "