Have you ever met a cute guy through say a club or something, seen him around several times, talked to him and frankly flirted with him, checked his Facebook status (single, yes!) and then found out from someone else later that he has a girlfriend? Or maybe you've known a person through work for a while and just now found out that they're in a relationship and it just kind of strikes you as weird?
It does me! I have this friend, O. I've known him for a few months as he plays in the college worship band I sing in. In the beginning we flirted a lot, but didn't exchange numbers or anything. He reminded me of one of my guy friends, so I maintained a semi-crush on him. I added him on Facebook and his status said single, and I was pretty excited. Then I found out that my roommate Kim knew him too, and I was a little jealous, but not badly. When she was around, he would flirt with her too... he would also hang out with her alone. There was no making out involved so far as I know, but I was a little suspicious. Still, I was charmed by O.'s intensity when he'd talk to me or get me to sing for the band. Then when we were all out after worship practice one night, Kim took his iPhone and starting looking through pictures and held the phone out to me to show me a "cute" one she'd found. It was him and some girl in formal attire, clearly from like a high school dance. "That's his girlfriend!" Kim gushed. "They've been together for forever."
...Say what?
I complimented the girl and looked at O. and he replied thanks, but didn't continue the conversation. That's weird, I thought.
After that, we all hung out several more times and he maintained his flirtatious manner. He would flirt with me and found ways to try to plan for us to hang out alone, like to come over and fix my guitar (this was shortly after my roommate moved out.) More recently, I've talked to him, and he invited me over to dinner at his new apartment (alone). He would cook the dinner for me.
I played along, but in truth, I would never hang out with him alone, especially not in his apartment. He's fun to flirt with, but I'm no homewrecker. I once asked my roommate why he never brought his girlfriend over to hang out with us, and she said it's because the girlfriend lives in a city two hours away, where O. is from. So far as I know, there is no harm done, but I still can't help but wonder why he acts and treats other girls like he has no girlfriend.
Talking to my friends, I find more and more guys like this, and I can't help but wonder, why? I know girls do it too. When you're in a relationship, do you change your behavior to reflect that? I'm not talking like obsessively talking about your bf/gf and constantly bemoaning their lack of existence at your side, but are you more careful about how you talk to other people? When I'm in a relationship and my bf isn't around, I may chat with other guys but I'll be careful not to be flirtatious (and I don't dress like I'm looking, either.) If a guy starts hitting on me, I'll pull out my phone and ask him to "hold on for just one second, I need to text my boyfriend back real quick."
Do you consciously make an effort to keep from leading others on, or do you notice yourself flirting the same as you would if you were single without revealing that you're taken? Do you take steps to show others that you're in a relationship, like changing your Facebook status? Or do you specifically with hold that information? Why?
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Comments (52)
Personally, my Facebook status is still single eventhough I was dating someone but I was unsure about being exclusive with him. He's surprised because he tells me, he's always been seen as boyfriend material.
I think depending on how you feel about the person and whether you make it official, that's when you let others (the world--wide web) know.
Hmm i do that, n im a girl
thats a little excessive. maybe hes trying to find a tangible gf.
I'm naturally flirtatious and it has gotten me into some tough situations before. But I always make sure to mention my boyfriend in a conversation somewhere so that they are informed and don't try anything further.
Wow... maybe he likes flirting and he hides because if people knew about his girlfriend, he might not get the attention he gets from girls. That's what it sounds like to me. If someone is flirting with me, I make sure they know I have a boyfriend. I don't want to lead them on and then crush them! And I certainly don't flirt with other guys...
i would insert a comment somewhere in a conversation to mention my status or talk about my SO - im like you in that sense. however, my SO can get super friendly with other girls too, and he thinks its odd to just mention me out of nowhere. we've never seen eye to eye on that issue. i would never hide my relationship, but i also think not mentioning it equivalent to hiding it.
I apparently do that, but I think its simply because I do not give much information about myself period to anyone. Plus people misinterpret me simply having a good time with a friend as flirting when there is no chemistry at all.
i don't like hiding relationship
Oh I've definitely withheld information. Especially if I really liked this new person. Just because you have a boyfriend, that means you can't meet new people? Now I'm not saying go out looking. You have someone, obviously that would be stupid. But if an attractive, humorous man falls out of the sky and lands in my lap, and I just happen to be dating someone, well let's just say I'm not going to be beating them away with a bat. And if I find out the guy is a loser. Of course I'll tell him to back off, that I have a boyfriend. But til then... what's some harmless flirting? That's where the term, "I met someone else" comes from, ladies.
But I do agree with the fact that it totally depends on your feelings toward the person. I don't think I've ever changed my Facebook status to "in a relationship". Even when I've been, "in a relationship". I just don't think my whole friends list needs to know everything about my love life. If it starts getting serious, then sure, they should probably know if I'm engaged or something. And I'lll change it. But the in's and out's of every relationship? Why bother? I guess it's not for everybody. Some people go from single to in a relationship every other week. And we all know what everyone thinks of those people...
It's okay to be flirtatious while in a relationship IMO but if a guy is serious about his gf he'd definitely mention her in conversations. Sounds like someone wants to play the field a little...
Not mentioning your girlfriend and saying you don't have one are two different things.
Sometimes it can be awkward to bring up a significant other, but if you have innocent intentions then I suppose it's not necessary to advertise. Saying you're single (on facebook, in person, writing it all over your walls, ect..) when you're not is sketchy, and in my opinion, wrong.
Besides, if all you want to do is "get to know other people" then why does your relationship status matter? If you decide to ditch who you're with for someone else, break up- that happens all the time.
Ah, sense of security, how meaningless and fleeting you truly are.
In any case, I think someone already mentioned he might be looking for something a bit more tangible. That seems likely.
@BreatheCA@xanga - totally agreed!
Some people behave flirtatiously with all of their friends, whether they have a significant other or not.
I can playfully banter without leading someone on or having any intention of it going further, and if they get confused, I have no problems telling them, "I'm taken" or "I'm not interested." Yes, when I'm in a relationship my status reflects it. I would never intentionally withhold the information. *Unless of course I'm not sure of it myself*
i wouldn't trust him..
i tell them im taken but im a flirt to the core sadly.
no, i hate leading people on because they think you actually like them. and i hate it when people lead me on. if i'm in a relationship, i'm in a relationship, there's no one else.
can't.. take.. bad grammar...
I know someone like that. He talked to me about it, saying that he loves to communicate and talk, especially with girls, because the topics are usually deeper than what he gets with guys. He has a girlfriend, and made his points clear. I suppose his limits to interactions with the opposite sex is minute than most, but I understand.
I always remind people of my boyfriend. I know a lot of people who usually hide their relationships for a while because they want to have a strong relationship before people start putting in their judgements of it. (I did this with my current boyfriend-really does work!) I think it's really sleazy though to have a SO and not talk about it with people you're flirting with.
hah. one of my friends has a gf for years. never tells any girls he meets about his gf. guys love attention.
meh i always think that's sketchy when they do that .... my first bf was on staff of housing where i lived at school. he told me he had to keep it secret or he might be fired ... ... even though we had a pair of close friends dating, one of whom was staff and the other resident. ... then, he brought me out to a party where i didn't know anybody, and still only introduced me as his friend. it was totally awesome.
we broke up after 3 months. i think that whole "label" thing is kinda key to at least knowing where you're standing.
me and my best fren have in a open relationship with eachother so when we date ppl its not eevreyones business that we get into and out of a relationship
I am actually just an all around less shy more friendly person towards guys now that I'm taken. It's not that I want to lead them on, but more that since I'm not concerned about courting them or whatever, I am less worried about the impression I will leave on them. I sometimes don't like to blatantly tell someone I have a boyfriend because it gives just that impression: "Back off, I feel like you're hitting on me, leave me alone." If I get that vibe from a guy, I will make sure they end up seeing me holding hands with or giving a kiss on the cheek to my boyfriend so they know.
I dunno. Probably because he's been with her so long, he's very comfortable being around other people and enjoying their company while also knowing that he would never pursue a relationship with them...