Wednesday, 06 January 2010

• Confessions

  
  

  
  I always envied the characters in the shoujo mangas for their courage when it came to confessing feelings for their handsome 先輩. They would ask them during class if they could meet somewhere, alone, and "talk." When the 先輩 showed up, the girl would confess in a blushing tizzy and get all starry-eyed and the guy normally agreed to go out with them. When I liked a guy, I normally stalked them like one of the "creepy girls" in the mangas, always watching from a distance, always swooning over the smallest of things, always feeling absolutely miserable.
  
  I would daydream quite often as well. Normal daydreams included those where I would confess to the object of my stalkerish affection and he'd smile and say "I like you too, Emmie" (since for a while I actually liked the nickname, though now it gets on my last nerve, maybe because of this whole infatuation mess that lasted my first sixteen years and one month.)
  
  Of course, I very nearly got up the courage to pull a shoujo move. Valentine's day, 2007. I made cookies for all my friends and put them into these adorable little plastic bags with little hearts on them, filled the bags with candy, tied them shut with pretty ribbons, and attached little tags with the friend's name on them. Instead of my usual 8 bags, I made an extra. Just one extra. One for my crush, who was Asian, and whose culture followed the tradition of girls giving their crushes chocolate/cookies on Valentine's. He was there when I handed my friends their bags (he and I were friends as well) and didn't think much of it when he didn't receive one. He did, however, hint at the date in the hallways when we "magically" met up during class while running errands for different teachers...
  
  Him: Emily, do you know what day it is?
  Me: ...Thursday? (playing dumb)
  Him: No, no, no, I mean what special day.
  Me: Valentine's day!
  Him: *nods, walks away awkwardly*
  
  Yeah, our whole...whatever-you'd-call-it, since we never went out... was awkward. Pleasant, but awkward.
  
  Anyways, his bag of candy spent most of the day in my backpack as I pondered how the hell to give it to him. In the shoujos it's done alone, but... what were the odds of getting him alone to tell him I wanted to meet up alone, anyways? The Koreans in that school traveled in rather intimidating packs. I knew he got teased a lot because of our friendship alone, but if I hinted that I was about to confess to him... Oh eek.
  So how did I do it?
  
  I spazzed. I ran past him in the halls after lunch and practically threw the bag at his face and kept running full-speed into my next class, blushing the whole way. A few of my friends witnessed the ordeal and laughed their heads off, and one or two of them went after me to see if I was still alive. Uck, it's embarrassing to even type... I'm sure I'm blushing in shame right now. x(
  
  Despite this incident, we went to the junior prom together. Embarrassing as hell, that. Neither one of us could dance, though we certainly tried, and we spent most of the night awkwardly holding hands or trying to shout over the obnoxious rap music blaring from the dance floor filled with inappropriately writhing, "dancing" bodies. (Dancing, HAH. More like smexing on the dance floor...)
  
  Why can't confessions be easy? Seriously? I mean guys normally just waltz up to a girl and say "Can I have your number?" or "Want to go out with me?" or if they're really awesome "Would you like to practice zombie apocalypse protocol with me this Saturday?" I mean, sure, as girls we have no idea what goes on behind closed arcade/gym dressing room doors. The poor guys could be hyperventilating for all we know... But they sure as hell SEEM confident, don't they? I envy that false calm.
  
  Anyways, that Korean dude and I didn't work out due to excessive teasing his friends put him through for that. Meh.
  
  The next crush of mine turned out to be a very, very, very hot asshole who acted like a three-year-old who heard his parents say a "dirty word" and was thrilled to use it whenever he opened his mouth. It's a pity, too. He was so very handsome... And then the next (most-recent-but-before-Joey) crush was a much older guy who graduated before I could work up the courage to do anything. That one had more reason behind it, though. He was the mysterious guy who helped me find my classes during Orientation in my new Floridian school when I was hyperventilating in the courtyard with no idea how to get to any of the rooms on my schedule. I left before I could thank him or ask his name, but through some odd coincidence or another he hung with one of my friend's groups in the mornings. She re-introduced us and I had an excuse to commence my stalkage of this dude. Poor guy.
  
  Now... I'm really not subtle when it comes to crushes. It's EASY to tell. I blush a lot, laugh a lot, trip a lot, and twitch a lot.
  
  But still. Man, I sort of wish I could've pushed through the nervousness and confessed to the older dude before his graduation. I found out he has a girlfriend and all, but I feel as though I really needed to just get it out of my system in some manner or another, you know? I had it planned--I was going to write him a letter. I went though about five pages of notebook paper before I drafted a decent version of my confession. I had it planned to where I would hand him the note before class started and avoid him like the plague for the rest of the year if it came to that, but... He distracted me the day I had it planned for by asking me to draw him something as a graduation gift. Damn.
  
  Ah well. You can't change the past, and I wouldn't if I could. I'm quite satisfied with my current relationship, and that's probably because I didn't really confess a damn thing. He fell for me first. Go figure! But shortly after that I randomly have six confessions shoved at me. Maybe Joey gave me some sort of confidence that guys find attractive. Maybe I changed on my own. Maybe these random guys grew some balls and decided this year was the best year for it (which it really isn't) and... creepily... all decided to confess within a week of each other... which is unlikely.
  
  At any rate.
  
  Confessing one's feelings is never easy. Never fun. There's always the chance that the person you like will turn you down, but there really isn't anything gained by keeping your feelings to yourself, you know? No matter how scared you are, you should go through with it. Regret nothing.
  
  Have you ever confessed your feelings?
  

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