Tuesday, 05 January 2010
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I've Never Been the Pretty Girl
I've been friends with Lilly* since middle school. Over the last decade, we have been through a lot together, especially when it came to self confidence and relationships. Now, I've always considered Lilly beautiful. She has a perfectly symmetrical face, toned body, and a personality to match. Unfortunately, she's had a harder time accepting herself. During middle school and most of high school, she considered herself too skinny and felt very bad about herself due to acne. She dated and had boyfriends but never felt too confident in her relationships. Over the years, they all ended for one reason or another but a general theme was apparent: the insecurity about herself.
Once Lilly entered college, however, she began to transform. She went on the pill and it gave her the slight curves and breasts she never had. She went on accutane for her acne and her skin was absolutely perfect by the end of treatment. She began to get a lot more attention, and she felt really good about her appearance. She dated quite a bit and finally settled into a relationship. I was excited for this new relationship because it was the first I'd seen her start where she felt good about her looks.
Sadly, it didn't last long. Regardless of how beautiful Lilly is on the outside, she lacks confidence in herself. The years of self abuse are still apparent and every relationship she has suffers because of it. And now, it seems quite dichotomous, especially because she barely has a physical flaw. She claims this is the case because she has never been the pretty girl. And now that she is, its worse because the expectations of her are raised. She's supposed to be happy, and care free and just plain pretty. But that’s not her.
I know we all have insecurities about ourselves, but sometimes, you have to face them, accept them and move on. It's definitely challenging but its also necessary. I've told her this several times but I don't know what else to do or a better way to approach it.
Have you ever encountered a friend like this? Is it possible to ever help them or make them believe in themselves?
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- From: twenty_ish
- Name: twenty_ish
- About Me: a twenty something, lost in the world of love, passion, and idealistic compulsions
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Comments (124)
since the perception of beauty is different in another's eyes, the individual might not see what other people see even if that person looks completely fine physically, but if the person is extremely insecure, sometimes no matter how much reassurance they get, it isn't enough to make that person feel secure. I feel that way sometimes, like this girl that was described. I've been trying to follow this mind over matter concept but it doesn't work all the time.
Kinda' how I was for years, especially being in the shadow of sorts with my older brother. When he was in high school and college, he was THE lady's man.....and I was his little brother. For my part, lifting weights helped, as did playing football, and just being myself. I married in 2005, and its been awesome ever since!
I think the issue is not vanity, it's self-esteem. You can earn or gain self-esteem from non-aesthetic things like helping others or achieving something.
Personally, I question my looks sometimes but with my good self-esteem and common sense even when I don't look too hot, I am still ok with myself.
Being too self-centred could also be a cause and detriment since you're always criticizing yourself. To get out of that sort of funk you have to hang out with other people, emulate or appreciate other people's qualities or the relationships you have with them.
Sounds like the swan still feels like the ugly duckling.
My BEST friend has anorexia. It kills me to see her suffer. She's gorgeous and SO thin, but she eats around 500 calories a day and I'm so scared for her. It's like the skinnier she gets, the skinner she has to be. Her family knows, but she's 21..there isn't anything we can do but try and talk to her. I tell her constantly that she's gorgeous but it's never enough. It's taught me that you can't tell somebody anything about themselves and expect it to change anything- they have to see it for themselves.
Many of my friends are encountering and suffering this same problem.
Society as a whole is becoming obsessed with the "perfect" appearance: the All-American, thin, tall persona that we are being manipulated in looking to as role models, thanks to numerous magazines, television shows, and the fashion models that are plastered along billboards all around the country.
What we most fail to realize is the beauty that radiates within us, the beauty and self-confidence that begins in the heart, mind, and soul.
I can't say that I've ever had a friend like this but, personally, I kind of was like Lilly in certain ways. Growing up I had a lot of people degrade me because I wasn't their idea of beautiful, my parents picked at me when I gained weight or broke out and boys pretty much made my life miserable. I am currently a sophmore in college and I am eating better and exercising which is allowing me to keep healthy skin and in a fit phyical condition. I would say that it's possible, but it differs from person to person. Odds are she will just need time to adjust to things now. Just show your support and help her out and don't push her into accepting herself. She'll get there when it suits her.
i don't know why people always ascribe poor self esteem to appearance... but just like right here, it's not always the case. if she sought something deeper from life maybe,it might help. the church (no matter what religion you are or seek) can give someone a sense of community and belonging, and that could be the missing link. anything too that instills a sense of discipline, maybe karate lessons or a sport or something, might help to build those feelings. finally, the fact that you care about her should help. to have a friend whose support is unwavering, that's pretty amazing.
ah , i used to be rly insecure about myself . like when i'm twelve - fourteen. then i grew out of it. i tell myself that no one's perfect & i try to tell myself that i'm better than some of those ppl out there. if not outward appearance , at least i know i have inner. so , i think you just gotta keep reminding her, let her know tat she is better than ppl out there , esp both her outer & inner :) then i think she's gna have to persuade herself and start loving herself , then eventually a boost in confidence !
as cliche as it may sound, inner beauty counts more than outer beauty. Looks will one day fade away anyways, remind her that and let people see how beautiful she is not just on the outside but also on the inside.
@nosillassim@xanga - You're saying there is no relation between self-esteem and appearance? Or that it's not 'always' the case that appearance ties with self-esteem?
One of my best friends is always so hard on herself and there's nothing I can do. I've tried to compliment her a lot, talk sense into her, ignore her hateful comments about herself, etc. But there's nothing I say that will make her see herself as beautiful.
As for me, I had self-esteem issues in my early teens, but as I've matured, I've found that I like myself, and have taken care of my appearance enough to feel attractive.
Hmm I use to be very insecure, especially in high school and sometimes I feel like that's my last relationship didn't work out (also because my ex was a douchebag and had a "put-out-or-get-out" mentality). I'm in college now and I feel more secure. My self-esteem dips once in a while when life gets me down, but I just remind myself no one is perfect and I am great the way I am (:
Lilly reminds me of myself. And you can't help someone change themselves. They have to do it. I had to wake up one day and decide to start taking myself seriously and start loving myself before I decided that I was worth anything or was good enough in terms of prettiness/intelligence/whatever.
Mmm... I'm not going to answer your first question but to your second it's hard to change something like that, and takes time and patience. It takes attention and flattery and sometimes something like a new outfit or a change in makeup and then a ton of compliments about it. C'est possible.
@TheRealMelanie@xanga - Maybe instead of telling her she's gorgeous *which to me would tell me to keep doing what I am* you could try telling her she looks frail, and sick and weak. That she's starting to look skeletal because of how thin she is and you're afraid for her?
Your friend reminds me of myself. It's one thing for people to tell you that you look pretty, but it's another to actually believe it yourself. It's definitely a self-esteem problem. Many times I don't feel like I belong at my school in terms of intelligence nor do I feel good enough to get a relationship. =/
@Parsimony@xanga - not always the case. if it were, then why are there hoards of happy and well-adjusted ugly people? and equally as many miserable beautiful people lacking self esteem? i'm sure there's a correlation, but what i'm saying is: after spending her life lamenting her acne and awkward build, once she overcame these physical issues- once she blossomed into this gorgeous woman sans acne and with appropriate curves- there's clearly an underlying self-esteem issue. maybe it was caused by her appearance originally, but the void in her self-worth is still there. i believe that unless you're truly happy with yourself, it's impossible (or extremely hard) to be happy with someone else (or let someone else be happy with you), thus her failed relationships? What I was originally saying is, if she became involved in activities where her appearance didn't matter, where her input was sought, where she was an individual but still a part of a team (ie. martial arts, bible study, softball league, etc.) -- activities like these may help her to build up her self-esteem... and when she is truly happy with herself, she'll know that she's not just a body, but that's she's a whole person whose thoughts, feelings, etc. are worthy of appraise and love.
I will never say that self-esteem is completely separate from appearance, but it most definitely is not the only factor.
For some reason, there's part of me that's attracted in this type. Sort of a knight in shining armor, thing, maybe? I just think it's awesome helping a person to see what I see in them.
Perhaps it's that insecurity is way more tolerable for me than arrogance. Girls who have been pampered all their life are much more often bitches.
Yeah, my best friend and I talked about this. We even discussed about the jealousy we had towards one another. It totally boosted our confidence up.
I refuse to give the word ugly any acknowledgment.
With regards to other people and me.
It has helpd me a lot w/ my self esteem
Every girl has insecurities. Its impossible not to feel insecure when your constantly fed images and expectations by the media. Not skinny enough, curvy enough, pretty enough, tanner, taller, ..w/e! What girls never understand is that their ego and self esteem is always going to be hungry. There never going to be satisfied with the way they look. This is especially true for prettier girls. Since there expected to be pretty and fit the role, they constantly look for attention or other people to re-affirm that. & when they don't get it constantly or everyday or they see other women on tv, in relationships.. the first thing there going to do is doubt themselves. The crazy thing is.. so many beautiful women end up being ugly on the inside.. because they become so obsessed with their self image that everything they care for is shallow.. all they want to do is get dressed up and walk around .. say "hey look! im special, too! ". Its meaningless, though. You never get anywhere because no matter how many men tell you your beautiful or how many times a stranger won't stop staring, its never enough.. you'll wake up tomorrow with a clean slate.. a deflated ego, starving ego you have to feed all over again. Someone on here said it right.. girls need to understand that theres so much more to life than dressing up, looking pretty, craving attention, wanting perfection, & fearing rejection. Looks will fade one day.. i wish girls could just be confident with who they are.. and not worry about things that really, honestly don't matter.
There's nothing worse than a person with no faith in themselves. :/
And then again... confidence is the hardest thing build.
I used to be cute, but people tortured me. I was too perfect. You don't have to be perfect.
I gave up on everything. I was supposed to go to school but the money didn't come. I don't care. I teach myself and learn more.
How to fix your friend? Ignore her. She only does that because she wants to be reassured that she's good and pretty and doesn't have anything better to do.
"Do you think I'm ugly?"
"I don't care."
A person can't cure the doubts about their own beauty by making changes. Because there'll always be something else that pops into their heads as a flaw. The cure is in realizing that you're already beautiful.