Tuesday, 05 January 2010
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When Does Bashfulness Become Ridiculous?
Okay, so I’ve liked this guy for about six months now. And I know for a fact that he likes (or at least at some point liked) me back. Not to mention we would be practically perfect together. It’s all there. Except for that it’s not; because he wouldn’t do anything about it. At first it was cute because it showed that he was interested, and that he thought I was worth being shy over. But after months of waiting I just got sick of it, you know? The thing is, he’s not like that with anyone else. His personality is actually really outgoing.
Now, before you picture me sitting around waiting for a guy to make the first move, let me clarify. I am not shy, and I am not hesitant to ask a guy out; certainly not if I know he likes me back. I don’t believe men should always ask women out. I believe as long as it happens, it shouldn’t matter. And foremost, I believe it’s bull crap to expect a guy to always do the asking, because it’s a scary thing to do!
However, I figured at first that I’d give him a chance to do it, in case that would make him feel better. Because some guys feel like you’re taking their man-card and ripping it up if you waltz up to them and ask them out. After a while I decided it didn’t matter, and that I should still make an effort to be closer to him. And he responded just fine, but the shyness was still there!
And I kept being the gutsy one and initiating interaction with him, until I got fed up with it. I mean, I have no problem stepping up to the plate, but I feel that I’m deserving of a little effort from his side, you know? I can understand if you’re shy. It happens. But shouldn’t there be a point where you step out of that? Especially if the other person is breaking their back trying to make you feel comfortable around them?
So, not knowing what else to do, I made a New Years’ Resolution to move on, because it’s starting to hurt, and I don’t want to be even more hurt when it doesn’t go anywhere. He's the nicest guy, and I know he would never intentionally hurt me, but it's kind of happening anyway. I like him more than I’ve ever liked anybody, but I’m stubborn and intend to keep my dignity. He must not be as interested as I am if he can’t man-up enough to make any move at all. And it’s not fair to me.
Ladies, when do you think bashfulness becomes ridiculous? Guys, can we have a little insight on the mind of a bashful courtier? And how do you feel about overly-meek girls?
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- From: modernjane@xanga
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Comments (26)
You said you didn't mind being the one who asks first, yet you still haven't done so. Why?
Maybe you do want the man to initiate things after all, in which case I say move on, because he clearly doesn't cut it for you. But if he's worth it, if you think for one moment you'll regret not giving him a chance, then just ask him on a date already.
Some men are shy around the girl they have feelings for. It happens.
If you know he likes you back, maybe you should tell him or hint that you want him to show some initiative. He probably doesn't realize what he's doing and it'd be unfair to drop him without warning.
Personally, I'm reticent to engage in relationships (which may appear as bashfulness to some people) because I am constantly thinking ahead of myself. Even if I know the girl likes me, I think, "What if she doesn't like me as much as I like her? What if she becomes attracted to someone else while we're dating? What will she expect me to sacrifice? Am I imaginative enough to keep dates interesting? What if she breaks up with me? That'll just be another failure under my belt. Does she not actually like me as much as she may think she does?" and so on.
As far as girls go, there is a girl at my college who I was pretty sure liked me (though the feeling wasn't necessarily mutual), but she was always so timid. In class, I could never hear her talk when she was called upon, and she apologized for everything that came out of her mouth. I tried having a conversation with her at supper once, but she was exactly the same. Unfortunately, I became very annoyed (though I never showed it). I don't want to be around someone who's so fragile.
He must not be as interested as I am if he can’t man-up enough to make any move at all. And it’s not fair to me.
To be blunt, he probably isn't interested in you anymore, if he was ever interested at all. I'm assuming he was, since you said you knew for a fact that he was interested at one point or another. But still, I think saying that "it's not fair to me" an exaggeration. I mean, you're shooting yourself in the foot if you keep flirting with him and keep getting let down.
Well I guess I have to disagree with everyone here. I dealt with the same kind of issue. I REALLY liked this guy a whole lot, and he apparently liked me too, but was too shy to ever make a move. Then I met my current boyfriend and he asked me out before the other one had time to 'plan out' what he would do.
I think your New Years resolution is a good idea- not because I think you should give up, but rather because maybe it'll open the eyes of your shy boy. Especially because you said you've been putting in a lot of effort and making all the moves- if you back off it will probably scare him into thinking he lost you (which he sort of did). If he really cares for you and wants something to happen between the two of you, then he will step up to the plate and do something I'm sure. I've "dated" a bunch of guys and most of them are the same (depending on the age range of course) and easy to figure out. If he doesn't come chasing after you once you back off... def just move on. You deserve someone who has the balls to try and keep you.
Hope I helped!
Do you think maybe you're intimidating him? You say you are the one going out of your way to get to him, maybe he's intimidated by your strength. I have no idea, but that kind of stuck out to me.
Also, if you are willing to ask him, out why haven't you done so like someone else said? I say ask him out first before you decide to drop him. It would be ridiculously unfair to him if he does like you to have you drop him with no warning.
While if I were in your situation I would also say its unfair to me, did you ever think about what he might be going through personally that could be hindering him from asking? Or like I said earlier things you are doing to him to keep him from asking?
However, all in all, I would say, if you see this as being a big, annoying character flaw, keep it in mind and reassess if you even want to be with someone like that in the first place. I would say, give him a shot first, because the shyness could go away.
Even though I'm all for the girls to ask the guys thing, it's still not a crime to want and wait for the guy to ask. Girls can't always be straight forward with asking guys just to prove confidence or whatever.
And you said you were giving effort to get closer with him. If he's not responding, move on!
I think a guy having the guts to talk to you despite being nervous is cuter than him being a wallflower because he's shy.
I dont know about the bashful guys and what they're so afraid of---all a girl can do is say no. What's the big deal?
Overly meek girls give the impression of allofness or hostility.
I'm an overly meek girl. And most guys that I have dated wind up admitting to me that at first I come off as a bitch who doesn't want to be bothered. But really I'm just so shy. I've never really encountered a man that was more shy than me, or whose shyness caused an issue in our relationship.
dont walk away completely but if you give him his space im pretty sure he'll man up and come for you.
i know cause i've been that guy before
@MasterCheerios@xanga - @mystic_sapphire@xanga - @MadMarch@xanga - Thanks for the tough love. I really needed to hear it and I appreciate the honest opinions.
And guys, thank you for the much needed male perspective. I really appreciate it.
@OHNOEmmy@xanga - Thank you! You've really made me feel better.
All of you have!
If you think he's interested then go for it. Don't let his shyness keep you from taking a chance if you think he's worth it. I'm going through the same thing.
Shyness is nice and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to
You're a bit delusional here. Either move on and forget about him or suck it up and ask him out.
You wrote all that babel about being able to make the first move and you don't care about doing it... but you still didn't. You said yourself that he's very shy towards you and that you are able to be very outgoing. All signs point to YOU making the first move. And no, making the first move doesn't mean starting a conversation and chatting it up. By making the first move, I mean kissing the dude or asking him out. I'm assuming you're at least somewhat grown up, so act like it.
@mcmeister89@mancouch - Well then there's your problem. Maybe you shouldn't assume so much. However, I do see your point.
I don't know what to tell you. If this were me I would have tried to make some kind of sexual advance on him long ago- but I'm impatient when it comes to these things.
I've met very few men in my life who were wonderful but wanted to wait until they were absolutely in love with a girl before dating/being intimate with her. I didn't wait for any of them. But everyone in the friend circle understood that that's how it was and his intent on waiting. Maybe this guy is more of that type.
that guy sounds like me. i was in that situation before, except im not outgoing at all.
sometimes i get bummed out that i missed my chance with him.
i know nothing of what you guys have together, but this reminds me of one line from sex and the city. "maybe he's just not that into you"
maybe he doesn't make direct moves because he is interested in a few other girls and is unsure who to give his efforts to and he might be afraid of rejection if he isn't completely sure that you are interested in being more than a friend.
I think that you should try making the first move, before giving up on the poor guy.
I'm the type of girl that if I'm interested in a man, I let him know that I'm interested, and then see where it goes.
But that's just me. =]
uhm, story of my life! EXACT (not similar) scenario has been playing out for the past 3-4 months with this incredibly perfect guy in my life. but, just like you, my new year's resolution was to get over it because i was putting in more effort than he was. somewhere down the line i'm assuming he lost interest and why should i sit around waiting for him to make a move??
it's been 6 months. he hasn't said/done anything to change your situation. follow through with your new year's resolution or you'll end up getting hurt. his being shy shouldn't keep him from making a move. he's known you 6 months!!
Many people here have commented, "If you're not shy, and he is, then why haven't you made the first move?" I didn't get that from your post at all... I mean, you didn't come out and say, specifically, that you'd asked him out -- but what I took from your post is that you have a few times, and it's never been reciprocated.
I can see your point. I really can. It's sort of like being in a relationship where you do all the work... Where you're always the first to text "good morning" or goodnight", or where you're the one who always calls the other. There's nothing wrong with making the first move, but there's something to be said for sometimes being pursued... rather than being the perpetual pursuer.
If the guy is such a good one, I would ask him how he feels. Maybe have the "are we on the same page?" conversation. If yes, then you could tell him how you feel about his lack of efforts... And if no, then you're really no worse off than you already are.
Best of luck! <3
I had a shy guy situation but after a while it annoyed the crap out of me because he wouldn't man up and actually TALK to me and ask me out. He would just stand nearby with his friends or next to me and literally just stand and not say a bloody word. It was really awkward on my part and I lost interest quickly. Even while talking online(where he told me he supposedly finds it easier to talk) it would take him a good 5-10 minutes to answer a simple "how are you". Some people might find this timid nature cute but for me it was very unattractive.
I meet this description pretty well. If I were in this situation, It's a lot easier for the girl to ask the guy. I've felt in love with girls at times, but I'd step aside just because I'm afraid to screw something up.
The bashfulness is probably driven by a lack of self-confidence. People see me as a really outgoing guy. I've been told I'm funny, good looking, all that jazz; the truth is, I don't have the confidence or the boldness to ask a girl who I like out.
However, as a warning: brace yourself for a "no". Don't get overly cautious, but there's about an equally good chance that he might just not like you in the same way you like him. Typically guys like him don't like that many girls; a good way to find out if he's that way is seeing if he's dated anyone in the past or (if you can find out) if he's kissed a girl yet.
If you really do like him as much as you say, you need to take the initiative if you want to make it work. You'll be surprised how much you can open a person like him up if you just take a chance.