Tuesday, 05 January 2010

  • I've Been a Naught Buddhist


    Meeting your soulmate is only the beginning.  I have a bad habit of putting all my happiness in my man.  It’s natural and understandable in a way but it’s destructive to the health of your relationship.  It’s perfectly fine to know that they can bring you great happiness but they should never be regarded as a source for happiness.  If you view him as a source of happiness then they will bring you as much hurt as they do joy.  You expect them to make you happy with the things that they do or say and when it doesn’t happen it can sometimes feel more devastating than it actually is.  You end up blowing the situation out of proportion and you argue over dumb stuff.

    I’ve been a naughty Buddhist.  Completely neglecting the polishing of my life condition for the sake of my relationship with my soulmate.  Falsely thinking that as long as he and I are happy I can restart my daily routine of reading, 1 hour chanting of nam-myoho-renge-kyo and twice daily gongyo sutra recitation.  I KNEW this was wrong but I didn’t really FEEL it or SEE it as being wrong.  My soulmate is a man of great integrity and he taught me that an important part of being able to tell right from wrong is being able to feel it, see it and smell it too.  Remember G.I. Joe?  Knowing is only half the battle. :) 

    A fellow Buddhist sister of mine gave me a great analogy yesterday.  She said our lives are like a bottle of water with mud at the bottom.  The water might be clear after years of sitting there unperturbed but when you get into a meaningful relationship that man can act as a pair of chopsticks to stir all that mud into your water.  If your life condition (meaning your path to enlightenment) is poor then you will think that he is the one that put mud into your water when the mud has actually always been there.   You’ll fight, bicker and probably run from him because you feel devastated by all the mud in your once clear bottle of water.  If your life condition is high then you’ll recognize that the mud has always been there and you will feel grateful that your man has a deep enough connection to you to be able to show you how dirty your water is.  Only someone with a high life condition or level of awareness will be strong enough to stand the self-scrutiny and overcome it.  Only someone with a high life condition will understand that enlightenment is the lotus flower that blooms from mud.

    I think this is the real reason why the divorce rate is so high nowadays.  Society and our self-centered culture teaches us that our spouse must serve our emotional, mental and physical needs.  This is the wrong attitude.  We should be grateful that they serve our needs (otherwise there’s no need to marry them in the first place) but we should not expect it to be their purpose in life to serve our needs.  By expecting it you are depending on them to be your happiness and thus you will be unhappy.  I know this, see this and feel this- but now I have the nearly formidable task of actually putting what I preach into practice.  Ugh.

    Thoughts?

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Comments (28)

  • andsoshewrites@xanga

    i think what you have said is wise, and true.


    i learned this in my first serious relationship. i relied on him to be my sole source of happiness to the point where he felt suffocated and overwhelmed, and sought love elsewhere. i was devastated when he left; but now i realize i can't blame him, that my unhappiness had always been there and that he only helped to stir up everything i'd been trying to ignore - and that i can't rely on him, or anybody, for happiness. i have to find my own.


    i wish you luck in putting into practice what needs to be done.
  • joannicah_asdfx3@xanga

    Agreed. You can't always rely on someone else for your source of happiness, you know ? That's why you have to find what's best for you and what makes you happiest for yourself. Not solely relying on your significant other.
  • An_iLL_Dispositi0n@xanga

    Very wise indeed. Great post.
  • knowingme_indepth@xanga

    ur so deep great post
  • DeathzDezign@xanga

    @joannicah_asdfx3@xanga - yeah I concur, I think you gotta be happy with yourself before you can be happy with another...and not search for your happiness through another. damn I need to take my own advice! lol
  • P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga

    as much as I'd like to say that I don't have high expectations of my s.o., I gradually develop more and more expectations without even realizing it how many times have people taken their loved ones for granted is probably proof that some people don't really learn and change. I'd consider myself to be a fairly good person yet I still inadvertently hurt others. I don't really understand why. maybe I'm inherently selfish and it is a survival instinct.
  • BlehhItsTu@xanga
    Well done! :)

    Beautiful way to put it. Buddhism is fascinating!


    Here's my fifth mini, because of the awesome analogy. (=

  • iamugg@xanga

    got some good idea from your post ,that's good article.


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  • SlightlyAskew@xanga

    Beautiful and insightful post.  Thank you!  
  • TheNotoriousGOD@xanga

    the hard part, i think, is not putting it into practice for yourself--it's finding someone else who shares the same philosophy.  unfortunately, we're a rare breed.  you've done the right thing, though...you know there's a problem, identified it, and have a solution.  best of luck. 

  • Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga

    i really like that! i always hear this sort of thing as people's defense for being single; but i think that often, being in a relationship shows us almost a mirror of our own faults - which we must take responsibility for, no matter how difficult that may be. and which is to say, the same must be true for your significant other. both must see it this way in order for it to settle once more.
  • S_K_O_T@xanga

    I love it when girls, who could pick and choose which soul-mate they'd like at will, act all emotive about the "problems" of relationships, and life, for that matter.


    This post raises a variety of issues, and on one hand, following what became standard Buddhist dogma, detachment, you would not be looking for or thinking about a soul-mate!


    On the other hand, The Buddha was following on from, and reforming, Hindu and earlier Zoroastrian religious, spiritual, and social tradition...so he would be talking about woman and man finding each other as their soulmate, thus aiding society, living in completeness, and truly serving God.


    This corrupted society IS, in many ways, trying to destroy marriage (and marriage is MUCH more than a 'partnership', and MUCH deeper than a mere contract)...and we HAVE to get back to honouring, relishing, treasuring, and living, that true, soulful completeness that marriage is! 
  • lilxwunxnxluv@xanga

    Ah, I really enjoyed this post. I think I'll read this every time I get involved with someone just to remind me that the mud has always been there.
  • methodElevated@xanga

    What a wonderful analogy.

    Wasn't it Buddha who said unhappiness is caused by unmet expectations?
  • tequila_sky@xanga
    All the posts about how he/she should meet your needs or out with them were kindof depressing. I agree with you in many aspects like how I learn a little of myself through him and that includes the ugly! Also, I know what you mean with expectations and working on becoming better. It's hard! xD
  • wachamakulit@xanga

    This is a wonderful post. The xanga community makes me happy and proud of everyone who have different perspectives in life. I'll keep this in mind
  • mystic_sapphire@xanga

    I like your analogy :)
  • distractedbyzombies@xanga

    This is really insightful. Awesome article. 
  • sailorsakura9@xanga

    Great post and it really speaks to me, I think I needed this advice a long time ago.  Thank you!
  • oOBuBBLes711Oo@xanga

    That IS the Buddhist way of thinking. Good job
  • FireYourBoss@xanga

    I can relate. A lot. To the point where I now instinctively filter out people like this. I don't care how attractive they are, if I feel that tug, it's not happening. It's such a bullshit deal because eventually they'll blame their partner for their unhappiness and we all know how that works out.

    Great post btw.
  • MadMarch@xanga

    Wow, this was amazing. I've never heard that analogy before.


     you are depending on them to be your happiness and thus you will be unhappy. 


    This is the biggest gripe I have with people today. So many of us go into a relationship looking for that other person to fill a void in our lives or to "complete us". I know middle-aged adults who don't even get this concept.
  • Camouflaged_by_night@xanga

    I agree with this post. My first boyfriend depended on me for his happiness, and it was a lot of pressure.
  • SmileSoICanLive@xanga

    Great post. :]
  • Colorsofthenight@xanga

    Interesting.  I don't believe in soulmates.  It's whoever you get trapped with.


    I think the divorce rate is so high because of stressors and societal expectations and lack of conditions that force people together.


    I don't like happiness.  If I am eternally looking to be in one condition then I will fall to many others and think that I am merely unhappy.  I like joy and to feel contentment best, both which I am not.  I am not unhappy.  I am troubled.


    I like your thoughts, but if someone stirs my mud then he becomes dirty as well.  Unless he plans on cleansing me, he best not stir.  It is selfish to disrupt another's harmony and unwise. 


    Enlightenment itself is nothing more than success over a situation where an individual feels like their awareness had a part. Buddha cloaked it in poetry, to extend more than the moment, I guess.  It's_annoying when people do that.  There are a bunch of parts that create a whole - and for what purpose?  Patterns are nonsense to the universe. A moment is a picture for us to gaze at and attach meanings to.  It simply is to itself.


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaGleromH4Y&feature=related Is this how the universe came to be? or is it how one human mind saw it at that time?  I guess we worship what contains us sometimes.

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