Monday, 04 January 2010
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How Could He Be So Heartless?
I’ve been seeing this one guy since mid-October, and he is attractive, funny, a great listener, and we share the same passion for hip hop and r&b music. However (could you not smell that “however” coming from a mile away?), he has a wall built up that rivals that one in China. (Well, a figurative wall anyway.)
Within our first few weeks of talking, we had a conversation about relationships and emotions. He told me that over the years his father has taught him to “be careful of these females” and that many women can’t be trusted. He also said that that he could move on pretty easily if he and a serious girlfriend were to break up, as he doesn’t hold on to things or people for long. Now mind you, the boy’s been in two dinky relationships in high school, during which he was never cheated on or anything like that—he has no reason to have trust issues! Therefore, I can’t even say that he has baggage; he’s just been listening to his daddy and all those my-significant-other-cheated-on-me songs too much!
I, on the other hand, am totally different in that respect. I am an open book; I would tell my business to a stranger on the street should the person actually care to listen. I just enjoy relating to people and bonding by trading thoughts and stories. And I am pretty emotional—I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t. But I don’t think I’m emotional in a bad way; I just think I have a big heart. Oh, and compared to him, I probably trust too much. It also takes me a long time to get over people who go out of my life, whether it was their decision or mine, as I’m sentimental and nostalgic about pretty much...well...everything.
So to put it simply, in this way, me and this kid are complete and utter opposites!
I mean, I’m not trying to rush things, but I must say, if he and I were ever to get into a real relationship I don’t know how I would deal with this. I believe that a relationship is about being comfortable enough to share deep things with the other person. And while he does talk to me about things like what he enjoys doing and even about what caught his eye about me and things like that, I don’t think that the mainly “surface talk” that I get from him is enough to sustain a healthy relationship. And I don’t always want to have to pry to get him to open up or chip endlessly away at his wall of trust issues, either. But like I said, he has great qualities that I do look for in a guy, just not this (big, important) one.
Is this the kind of thing that can be worked on? Since he has never been in a “real”, mature relationship, is he just talking out of nowhere and if we were to get closer he'd probably open up and not feel like it'd be easy to get over me? Or am I going to be bumping into this brick wall forever if I keep pursuing this? Am I making this more of an issue than it really is? (I tend to do that a lot! Lol.)
I know, I know—“live in the present.” But at the same time, I don’t want to let my feelings get too deep for him only to find out later on that this clash will exist forever and end up seriously hurting me.
Tell me: what’s a girl to do?
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- From: LadyInRed
- Name: LadyInRed
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Comments (44)
ohman, brace yourself. its gonna be a long and bumpy ride. if you think he's worth it, i say go ahead. it will take a LOT of effort and patience on your part, and keep in mind that sometimes your affections may not be reciprocated - my SO was like this for a LONG time, its only recently started to get better.
Okay, well, the bit his father taught him growing up about women being untrustworthy - not the best way to be raised. Yes, there are women who can't keep a secret to save their lives, yet there are just as many who wouldn't crack even under the type of torture seen on 24.
That being said, yes, you two are opposites. You say you'll spill your secrets to anyone on the street if they listen. That, to me, sounds a little iffy.
I also think you're thinking a little too far ahead here. Some people need time in order to build trust, and some people require you to earn their trust. Here's a tidbit: Try not to pry too much, and wait a bit before asking more personal stuff.
I wouldn't break it off because you're not going to find too many other guys who want to move things this fast (that is, without indulging in some mattress creaking) and have this guy's qualities. Nobody's perfect and you said yourself you are a bit fast with opening up.
If he's not opening up after a long while - say, 3 or 4 months - then that's a reason to worry. But I'd say calm down and - at the absolute least - wait a couple of weeks.
Think of it like this: let's say you have something personal you don't like sharing (and I'm sure there absolutely is). If HE kept prying and prying, how would that make YOU feel?
I don't think you said you did..so I'm going to say you should just point blank ask him if he's willing to open himself to you and be vulnerable, or at least try, and then you two can go about attempting to make that happen instead of you putting in all the effort.
I have an easy time distancing people like your boyfriend does, but mostly all I need is assurance that my boyfriend is in for the long run before I can start opening myself to him.
I think it depends on the person. For me no, it wasn't something that could be worked on. Together for 3 years, him being scared of committment, unfaithful, always feeling like I was going to leave him, and I couldn't get through. I still can't get through. And what doesn't seem like a real mature relationship... still was for him. I think it's a huge issue, and one you should work on BEFORE getting serious with this guy. If it can be worked through do it before you commit yourself.
Just because "live in the present" stands doesn't mean you shouldn't plan for the future or learn from your past.
Believe it or not your parents can have a strong influence on you and the type of adult you turn out to be.
@gatorgirl54@xanga - I agree with this completely.
It's so important that you actually communicate instead of guessing and taking shots in the dark.
mee toooo (:
which makes me fall so deep too quickly for something.. someone.
and i end up getting hurt really badly, and when i look back, i go like "man, i was stupid" . but at the end of the day, whatever you did felt so right at that time, so you really shouldnt regret it.
thats how i like to think of things. (8 it makes the hurting not hurt so bad.
He doesn't want to get hurt. I'd guess that when he had chances to choose to fall for someone he just chose not to because of that advice his dad gave him. But he might never have found someone he couldn't help falling for.
honestly, a guy told me that and it made me feel pretty disposable. i couldn't even picture myself getting with him after that.
One of the things I know I need to work on with myself is accepting that people are not always going to be the same as me, particularly in the emotional department (especially b/c guys are already generally less outward w/their emotions than women are to begin with, emotional and trust issues aside). As some of you mentioned, I think I just need to chill out and see where it goes (as this thing we’ve got going is still pretty new) before I scare this poor kid away--lol. I think that maybe I should also tone it down with showing him how emotional I am and maybe not present my life as an open book so soon to keep some mystery in the equation.
Basically I think your girl’s seen too many of those romantic comedy movies….AND I’m a Pisces to top it off!! Oh Lord..hahaha
Yeah, just take things slow and see what develops. Sometimes, opposites attract.
In any case, why would you expect him to think you're someone he couldn't get over or open up to you right off the bat? That's something you have to prove, you have to make yourself invaluable to him. It wouldn't be right or meaningful at all if he just assigned that importance to you like it was some kind of job opening that could be filled with the proper paperwork.
if youthink this might actually go somewhere, go for it. talk to him about how you feel, but he will constantly go back to the way he was a lot of times, because hes just not use to you yet. its going to be a very rough ride, but if you're up for it. then go for it
Parents have great influence on their kids. If a divorce can do harm to a child's social life, then I suppose even what dad's lectures might have been almost as influential.
Therein may lie the problem - maybe that's a red flag. The fact that he's only been in two dinky adolescent relationships and that he has a wall up is because he does have trust issues. Maybe those trust issues stem from a faulty relationship with one of his parents. For example, growing up with an alcoholic father can seriously cripple a child emotionally and even mentally. Damage to a person's relationship with their parents can seriously hinder that person's romantic relationships.
I don't know the guy or the situation. Just trying to offer another perspective.
First and foremost, you write perfectly. I've never seen anyone write with such perfect grammar aside from reading school books...haha. I'm going to assume that if you can write like that, then that would make you a smart girl. I have no doubt you'll eventually understand what it is you should do.
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - You said what I was going to say, only you said it better.
I have a best friend who sounds exactly like this guy, and he's the best man I know. Keep him! He'll open up eventually, and frankly, there aren't a whole bunch of people out there who open completely up to everyone all the time.
Hello,
That is so funny that you say that because it sounds like your are describing my relationship now. My boyfriend and I dated for about 5 months and now together for 7 months. However, his parents are not teach him the whole don't trust the women or anything. But he doesn't express much I guess you can say?
Anyway to the point - maybe he will grow into it and your personality rubs off on him. (that is what happened to my boyfriend, he talks more often now). I guess you have to be patient with him and be frank (I'm sure you are) and let him know. I know prying is annoying but after a couple shrugs wouldn't hurt.
I think he'll get into it. No worries (:
I don't think you'll know how he'll react until you actually pursue him. Is this a risk you're willing to take?
it takes time to trust someone...
RUN AWAY... NOW! I was in a relationship with a girl that was like the guy you are dating. We were together for a year. The first few months were great, then the wall of china you described was built. She was open with me to a point, as well as others she had dated. It's not good news. They won't change for you because they have issues they need to work on by themselves. :( If they don't, it wont change. This person I dated, ended up cheating on me a week after our one year and a month / two later, started dating that person. Therefore, yet again, she will make the same mistakes. If you can't tell him that he has NO reason to have trust issues, then you two wont last. He needs to feel comfortable with you enough to open up. Don't Push things to come out, it will make it worse... and the wall. Trust me!
Maybe pursue him but be careful. : /
Hey.beautiful hair by the way.
i think you're right on your gut feelings. I mean if he falls in love with you, then he DEFINITELY will open up. But, if he doesn't fall in love and doesn't truly love you, he won't.. to the fullest.
I wouldn't waste your time with someone who could possibly be immature. and someone who's completely opposite? I mean come on? what would you do on dates and all? and then when raising kids? if you didn't agree...whhhatt? i'm in a serious relationship, and i couldn't be happier. we became BEST FRIENDS before dating, and we already found out everything there is to know..
it's up to you ultimately. good luck, go with your gut!!!
and the old saying sitll stands: opposite's attract, but not for long.
bye
MeShell
We've never met him. You have. You decide.
Browsed through a couple of your comments and realized that what I want to say has been said by someone else.
Just make sure that whatever you choose to do: you won't regret it. There will always be people here to help you through problems, but regret is just a gun pointing back at yourself :)
oooo my ex was like that. unfortunately i didnt have the patience for it and i left him after half a year. i tried, but he wouldnt budge. however, i do think it can ultimately work out. im sure if you continue doing what you have been doing, persistence will pry him open eventually. like you said, he hasn't been in a serious/real relationship, so maybe he's just not used to opening up and what not. it would be a shame to let go of ,someone who has all the qualities you want from a guy, but one.. xD
My only advice is time will not change a person so if you're willing to put up with this attitude of his for as long as you are in a relationship with him, enjoy. If you're not...move on. Simple but hard as hades huh?