Monday, 04 January 2010

  • Good Enough For Sex, But Not A Relationship



    Ever since the age of 16, I constantly get hit on. Now I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but when it's a guy I might possibly be into and I find out all he wants is sex, it's kind of disappointing. By now I've learned how to tell when that's all they're talking to me for, and I know to just avoid the entire thing. I recently got dumped, almost two months ago. He still calls asking to 'hang out' because we're both not seeing anyone right now. We're on the 'we're kinda friends' level. I asked him why he wanted to, and his response? 'I haven't had sex in awhile, and you've always been good at it. I thought we could hang out and have fun'.

    This brought up the question from me of 'Is that all you want me for?' He told me that I was good for the sexual stuff, and that I still turn him on; But when it comes to conversing,  that there isn't much that's that interesting about me, and he went on to tell me that that's probably what other guys thought too.      Considering he was the first guy I'd ever slept with, I don't think that's what 'other guys thought'. I'm wondering, do guys just see girls as something to use for their benefit and throw away?

    I mean, I know guys think about sex pretty much 90% of the time, I've dated enough of them and have enough guy friends to know this. I've been dumped many times because I wouldn't sleep with a guy. I was never with them long enough to want to, and I was always kind of afraid they might have some disease, considering I used to be in the 'bad boy' phase. I'm in my second year of college, and all I get are these guys that come up to me, start talking and try to weasel their way into getting my number so we can 'hang out' that Friday at their place. I tell them no thanks and they insist that they don't want sex. Do they really think girls are that stupid?

    Apparently the answer is yes, some are because I watch them go on to the next girl and proceed to get her number. Than I hear them tell their friends how 'nice' and 'sincere' he seems.      Then there are the guys I've actually gotten interested in. We go on a few dates, and I assume it's actually going somewhere. I hate going to movie theaters on a date, I'd rather watch a movie at his place. It's cheaper, and you don't get yelled at for talking. We start making out, and he tries sticking a hand down my pants. I tell him I don't do that when I'm on a date and he tells me that he thought that I knew that's why we were hanging out. I tell him I eventually want a relationship, hopefully, and the date ends. No matter how many dates I go on with a guy, it always turns into 'well you're a great girl and an amazing kisser, I just don't see you as a girlfriend, but we can still hang out.' Meaning he hopes that if we 'hang out' long enough he'll eventually get sex. 

    In the words of Taylor Swift:

    "I suffer from girlnextdooritis where the guy is friends with you and that's it" Anyone else have this problem? What do you do to make guys see you differently?

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Comments (92)

  • cornyonacob@xanga

    lol, girlnextdooritis.

    i think i know more memes than i should, and it makes guys uncomfortable LOL.
    either that or i'm ridiculously unappealing. :P
  • y_tc@xanga

    Maybe you need to date guys who are really into you for you (not your body). I don't know, maybe some guy that has the same/similar interests as you. I would say older more mature guys, but then all guys are the same, they just want to get into your pants. So I guess my suggestions is try to hang out with someone who's had something in common with you I guess. Sorry, this isn't much or that good of an comment, anyway, hope it helps.
  • gatorgirl54@xanga

    Erm maybe you could try establishing the "conversing" part of a relationship when you're still friends with the guy before you move on to being physical, so you can have both the verbal and physical parts of a relationship?


    Don't take the "you're boring" personally. It takes two people to make awkward silences. I know when a conversation is boring, it's not because I'm boring; I just have shitty chemistry with the person and it'll be next to impossible attempting to establish some sort of deep relationship with him.


    In relationships I tend to try to keep the physical intimacy in check based on how well I connect in conversations with the guy. That way it won't as easily become all about sex and bedroom activities.


    Like my relationship right now is fun and pretty comfortable, but we haven't gotten to the point where we're comfortable being completely emotionally open, so I'm a bit wary of going too much further than kissing. I'd only want to have sex with a guy if I was certain it wasn't going to take over the relationship and that he would still love spending time with me outside the bedroom.
  • Simply_Cynical@xanga

    meh. both guys and girls do it. i say, don't worry about it.
  • SereneSimplicity@xanga

    Glad I'm not the only one...jeez guys are lame.  I definitely have girlnextdooritis...I always get the "you're attractive, amazing eyes, a great body and personality but...."  ugh.  Sometimes after hanging out with some people for a while and telling them I won't have sex with them...they completely ignore me after.  Maybe make a new year resolution to find a guy you have great chemistry with...just with conversing....no sex, if he sticks around maybe he'll be worth it.  But seriously I've just about given up on guys altogether.


    "No matter how many dates I go on with a guy, it always turns into 'well you're a great girl and an amazing kisser, I just don't see you as a girlfriend, but we can still hang out.' Meaning he hopes that if we 'hang out' long enough he'll eventually get sex." 

  • sorrento12@xanga

    maybe i'm in the minority on this one but i'm the type of guy that wants to get to know a girl first before sleeping with them. maybe that's why i constantly get friend-zoned. lol. but just wanted you to know that there are still guys out there that are like that. keep looking because i'm sure you'll find someone worthwhile who wants to know you as a person before they know you in the biblical sense. good luck and good night!
  • BlatantImplications@xanga

    I think women are more or less screwed (no pun intended) for the rest of forever. Guys are apparently incapable of going without the thought or hope for sex as soon as possible with every girl they talk to.
  • lewk@xanga

    I've never understood why so many guys are like this. I want sex just as much as the next guy, but I actively want a relationship as well. 

    Maybe guys are worried that once you get in a relationship with a girl, the sex life comes to a stop?
  • sugar_mama@xanga

    guys with the "put out or get out" mentality really disgusts me. glad to hear that you're catching them in there tracks and know there true motives. i think maybe just talk about similar intersts, and DO them together. for example like playing video games, working out, or watching a particular tv show. then if chemistry is there... hopefully friendship can progress to relationship. good luck =)
  • P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga

    take some time to get to know each other as friends and if there is no connection during conversations, I don't think it would be a good idea to go further. if he flees when you refuse sex or other sexual things or seems very impatient or calls the woman a prude out of bitterness or anger if she doesn't put out, then he isn't worth it. ditch him and find someone with substance.
  • notjus4ne1@xanga

    I've had a sexual situation, because it sure wasn't a relationship with a past love about 10 years ago.  He's some very de-lish arm candy, but when he opens his mouth....I exit stage left.  I was honest with him and told him, I could see us sleeping together, but nothing more.  He was taken aback by it...but being a guy...he went for it.  Though it came up from time to time, until I got tired of his bruised ego...bringing it up.


    I don't know you, but maybe it's the way you are that makes men think of just the sexual aspect.  I mean how is your conversation?
  • prettyboy78@xanga

    Part of the problem isn't YOU, it is those other girls who allow those boys to use them for nothing but sex. When the majority of girls are so insecure, or whatever it is that allows them to behave the way they do, guys expect all girls to be this way.
    And my guy friends say that on top of just expecting it, some girls just carry themselves a certain way that makes guys think they are a sure thing.

    And, irrelevant point, but as you have mentioned it on two separate posts now about getting shushed or yelled at in movie theaters. Why are you trying to have a conversation in a theater? That is NOT the place to be talking! And if you are talking you deserved to be shushed and yelled at! (Anything beyond, what did he say? or haha that was funny, etc..  is 100% inappropriate in a theater)

  • An_iLL_Dispositi0n@xanga

    I don't really know if my opinion on the matter would help to much, as I seem to be of a different breed than the rest of the male gender, but really, dates don't do anything for me. I enjoy them, they have their purpose, their place...but I would never ask a girl on a date whom I didn't know at least a little bit before then. I'll ask a girl to hang out, and that won't be slang for trying to get some...but at the same time, it's no indicator of a potential romantic interest either. I only ask girls on a date if I already have some sort of interest in them, and chances are, I'm only interested because we were friends first.
  • xx0behindthesmile@xanga

    it's happened to me too. then again, i've also done that to some guys. it's hard to find someone you really click with and who you really want to date. some people just want to see people, get around. especially in high school and early on in college. 


    just keep looking, i guess. stick to what you want and eventually you'll find it. it's nothing personal against you, it's just the type of guys you've run into.
  • Salivarysatisfaction

    This has never happened to me- but I've done this to other people... so here is my insight on these poor excuses: Usually when I want someone for just a sexual endeavor it's because I'm not over someone else. Actually... that would be the majority of the time. Maybe you are attracted to heart broken guys- the last thing on their mind would be a relationship.


    And sometimes I reject them because they are the very last thing I would ever want in a long term relationship. This means that they are needy, clingy/possessive and boring. But they are a good temporary thing, a good short term fuck. Maybe your immediate emotional openness in the beginning of the relationship causes them to feel smothered.
    The possibilities are endless. I don't know you or these men but I can try to tell you why it happens in my life.
  • kleptos_get_it_free@xanga

    i know what you mean. it seems that guys don't ever want relationships with me. just sex. i get really tired of it. because it's totally obvious.
    it's ridiculous. i just stop hanging out with guys until one seems worth my while. it hasn't happened in awhile, and usually he's not.
  • superGchik@xanga

    @Simply_Cynical@xanga - i agree, it definitely goes both ways.  
  • brianbsquared@xanga

    Just reading these comments makes me think about this.  Girls don't like it when guys are aggressive and "make the move" yet when a genuine guy comes their way, is patient and hesitates to make physical contact, you "friend zone" him so fast that he can't see it coming.  


    So don't go and complain about how you ladies don't have any good guys out there.  They are there, it just helps if you don't just make them "undatable" because they don't want to shove their tongues down your throat after the second date.
  • mcmeister89@mancouch

    Ok, first off, your ex is both a douchebag and a dumbass. You never get ass by insulting a girl... amateur.

    But to the heart of the article, I'll do this paragraph by paragraph:
    1. Of course your ex would say something like "you're boring". You guys broke up for some reason or another and that probably left a bad taste in his mouth in some form. Also, simply put, no, men do not just see women as sexual objects. I'm pretty sure this question was based in some pretty dramatic and depressed emotions because weddings everywhere prove my point.

    2. You said you were into bad boys who, from what I can tell, don't have the best reputation for treating women well so I'll assume you have bad experiences from them to start you off. Also, you're in a college setting where casual sex and hooking up is probably at its most prevalent. Of course guys try to have sex with girls when they aren't in a relationship, but guess what, so do girls. As far as staying in a relationship, a lot of guys (well and girls for that matter) view the physical aspect of a relationship to be very important. If you don't have a sexual attraction to your partner or aren't able to express it, that's kind of a deal breaker for some. So, you really shouldn't be too surprised about the outcomes. Lastly, it's not that some girls are that dumb or that guys think they are. The simple fact is, some girls have the SAME expectations as the guys.The guy is simply going to different girls, hoping for this outcome.

    3. Maybe, instead of having him use his tongue to play hockey with your tonsils, you could have him engaged in a conversation? Last time I checked, no one tried sticking their hand down another person's pants while simply talking. You wanna know why he doesn't see you as a girlfriend? He's probably simply focusing on the fact that you are a great kisser and not much else. Refer to my comments above in (2.) for the rest of that paragraph.

    To sum things up and answer the last question, don't just date any guy who shows you attention and don't go making out with every guy who's cute and like the same bands. Make sure they are quality guys. You do this by talking to them. Also, hint pretty strongly that you're looking for a long term thing, maybe even drop a bomb like "Yeah, I've just never liked the whole 'hooking up' thing".
  • Icecold4u@xanga

    Hate when guys like that just..make all guys look so bad.


    No matter what you do, everybody sees another person, and sees them physically..problem with most guys, they continue to only see that and not see past that...hence, there is nothing you can truely do to make yourself seem different to anybody.


    One thing you can do though, is go out and ask who you want instead of lettng them come to you..more than likely, the guys that come to you are thinking "She's beautiful/sexy, I bet I can get that". Going to the guy instead and asking him, can do one of two things..one make him think "oh hell yes, she wants me..." or it'll be a sudden happy surprise..wont make them straight to sex but who knows, guys are simple, from guy to guy..in a group, we're complex.


    This is not to say, girls aren't as guilty..but our gender is far more guilty by numbers.....and yes, some poor guys do think girls are that stupid. Why? Because its worked so damn much! (Not through personal, observational). Well..atleast those douchebags make me look better =3

    Oh, and get a Nerd! A Cybernerd or a Nerd in economics, high benefits and not sex fiends. High chance of it anyway...good luck?
  • CrAdLe2daGrAve@xanga

    boys are stupid throw rocks at them!
  • Proud2B2003@xanga

    I have to agree with "Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them." But then again, I know that the same can be said about my own gender. Actually, when I think about it, there are girls that I'd like to throw rocks at... Haha.


    I've had beens asked more times to be friends with benefits than to go on a date in the last few years. I'm sick of it and I've been telling them that I want a boyfriend, not a fwb.


    When it comes to me and boys, I tend to get more confused as I get older. So much to the point where I don't even try to date anymore. I'm not going to until I get better at certain things.
  • xkthily@xanga

    I get guys who just want to "hang out" and luckily, I also get guys who would want a potential relationship... problem is, I don't find myself connecting with any of the guys I met so far. =(


    Have you ever considered the type of "vibe" you're giving out to these guys? Like when they first meet you. I'm not saying you do, but maybe to these guys when they first meet you, they get a certain vibe from you thinking you're easy?
  • AudreyElizabethh@xanga

    I'm just the cute type, and I like to be sincere. Like if a guy really likes a girl, I'll talk him through it, even though I like him. So I also suffer from girl-next-door-itus.
  • AnemicRoyalty64@xanga

    Least he was honest about it?

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