Monday, 04 January 2010
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Maybe You're Right; You Don't Deserve Me
Have you ever told someone, "You're better off without me"? In the sense that you're too good for me, and I can't be that person that you deserve.
I hear it often and honestly, it's not cute. It's not as chivalric as you'd imagine and after thinking about it for a long time, it shows nothing but laziness. "I'm not good enough for you, so i don't want to bring you down." If you really like someone, you'd be willing to change yourself and be a better person, be good for the person so that together you're making the relationship better and making each other better people. If anyone says, "you're too good for me.", they're doubting in themselves and saying they deserve people who are lower than you, people who are easy. They are unwilling to change for whatever reason. They don't want to work for something that could make them happy...instead they want an easy way out, a fake happiness.
What are your thoughts on, "You're better off without me."
Is that person looking out for you or just wants an easy way out?
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- From: ohmyitsmyla@xanga
- Name: ohmyitsmyla
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 2679 Comments: 0 78 View all posts by ohmyitsmyla@xanga
Comments (78)
It depends on the circumstance.
I've had pretty low self-esteem during certain moments of my life, and during a few of them I recall feeling like I was such a failure and a mess that the guy I was dating shouldn't have to deal with someone like me and that he should date a completely happy, emotionally healthy girl. It wasn't laziness.
wow this is a great post! my ex always tells me "i don't deserve you" or "anyone can make u happy" it just makes me so mad, like why cant you try? i just leave the situation alone and it leaves me feeling iffy
I hate how it puts you on a pedestal.
Like "you're great, but what you want doesn't matter."
I think I should determine what's best for me, it's not your place to tell me that.
ughh i absolutely hated that line. heard it one too many times and it hurt like ish every time i heard it. the best line is when they say "any guy would be lucky to have you." serious? if its so lucky, how come you're leaving?
ps. btw, MYLA HOLY ISH! its khristine! i met you in YFC like YEARS ago. hahaha
It all depends on the situation you're in. Sometimes he's right, and sometimes he's being a total douchebag and deserves a swift kick in the balls.
I think the people that say that probably mean that they can see a future with that person and commitment scares them, so in the fight or flight response, they choose to be avoidant. or it is a way to break up with the person without saying something like I cheated and lied to you behind your back so that is why "you're better off without me" but they leave the first part out to try and deter a very hurtful and bitter break up and they use white lies or roundabout sugar coated excuses to make it seem that they are doing that person a favor. uggggh.
"they are unwilling to change for you."
then that means that they don't want you.
besides; people shouldn't have to change for one another.
you should love and accept a person for who they are and if you can't, you're not supposed to be together; you cannot expect someone to change for you. if they do not possess the qualities you want in them to begin with, they most likely never will.
move on. find the person who does meet your standards. it's not that hard.
half of all relationships begin with the mentality, "I don't like this about this person, but I bet I can make them change for me!"
it doesn't work that way. you cannot make someone change against their will. move on.
From my experience, the people that say that suffer from depression, low self esteem, or other mental issues. This does not portray laziness on their part- rather truthful honesty.
I think it depends. However, in most cases, I think it's a really lame copout. If you really care about the person and what that person wants most of all is for you to be happy, why should they care if they're not good enough for you? You clearly think they are and if they truly love you, they'll believe you instead of hurting you in the process. Maybe I'm just bitter from hearing it in a breakup but that's my opinion.
@dlmcniel@xanga - It definitely does depend. Sometimes the guy really IS not good for you, and isn't waiting for you to see that later in the relationship, and sometimes its a guy refusing to grow up for that woman. (shrugs).
Argh. This is happening to me right now. My bf keeps saying "I don't deserve you", "I'm a loser". No matter what I say, there is no convincing him of my sincerity in telling him that I think he is an incredible person and the right person for me.
I think a lot of people when they say it are mostly talking about themselves as a whole, every part of them they can't change. At least that's how I assume the people who have said it to me mean it, because they ha e super low self-esteem. I've probably even said it myself before... like I don't feel like i'm good enough for my current boyfriend, because he's amazing, and I'm ugly (can't be fixed without tons of plastic surgery), I'm fat (I'm working on it, but I've bordered on having an eating disorder for about four years, so my body image and relationship with food is fucked up, so it's proving difficult), I'm stupid (which I study A LOT and do my best to learn all I can), and I can be kind of needy (working on it to, but it's really just part of my personality, so it's hard) etc. He probably would be better off without me, he could do better, I'm sure. Does that mean I don't want him or I don't try my hardest to be the best I can for him? No. It just means that even at my best I still don't feel like I'm good enough.
When people say it trying to get out ofa relationship, it may just be an excuse, which I have a feeling is probably more what you're talking about, but when people say that just as a comment or thought, or when they feel like that, I don't think it's a matter of laziness, or that they're just not trying or anything like that.
I think sometimes its said for attention, to win sympathy points. You know, the whole "woe is me" mentality.
Low self esteem, no self worth, dont belong in relationship unless its something overnight simply put. The unfortunate thing is when these people hit 40 they begin to see how stupid they sounded.
interesting take on it. i'd have to say that i agree for the most part, but i think its the kind of thing that needs to be taken on a case by case basis. it really depends on the couple.
@StacyREdwards@xanga - I think it's that too.
I can say...with all affirmation if I were ever to say.."You're better off without me," it would essentially translate to..I have so much emotional baggage and skeletons in my closet, I house a mausoleum...and for your sanity,stability and a general guarantee you will be able to function well among the human race, I suggest you go barking up another tree because I will un intentionally destroy any ounce of hope you may have left in that cavity you call a heart, and you will be crippled to the point that the mere whisper of my name will send you screaming into the night.
So.,,when someone says..."trust me you deserve better," or " you are better off without me," turn, walk..never look back.
You deserve better.
My exboyfriend told me that he was broken and that I was too good for him before we started dating.. and he was right. He turned out to be a total douche. I think when someone says this, most of the time you should listen. It's a huge warning.
this entry gives me a 'sinking feeling'.. that sounds horrible, you deserve someone who loves you just as much as you're willing to love them. well, more than that actually. fuck the liars and their bullshit. dont ever let anyone convince you to give up on trying for love.
I just said that to my girlfriend. Fact is, she would be so much better without me.
I'm a lower middle class nowhere, and I'm not even half as good looking and have horrible qualities and characteristic / attitude.
She's a real cutie, gorgeous, can be sexy at times, with a great body, came from a higher middle class family / background, and she is everything a man would want.
So... it depends on situations.
Some ex said it to me when we were breaking up. Actually, he said it a lot before that, but I didn't believe him until the day we parted and my blindness was cured. Despite his reasons for saying that, the big thing that disqualified him in my eyes was what you said- a stronger desire to wallow piteously and flail about melodramatically than to try to work things out.
And then he had the cheek to attempt, "Well, if I can't win her (an ex he rather cruelly broke the heart of) back, in a few months maybe we could get back together..."
Uh, NO, dude. He was one I was glad to tell, "No, sorry, when it's over it's over! I'm done." It was a relief to escape. O.o
I only said it to someone and meant it as in I wanted them to leave for a good reason. But I don't find it very cute either...
I agree that they're just looking for an easy way out, or an easy excuse. And in that case, yeah. You are better off without a person like that.
Some people just need more time to grow up and mature. This kind of an outlook is very immature and ridiculous.
But, if you want to know my honest and true opinion of it when someone says this...I think its JUST an excuse. They don't really believe what they're saying. They're just done with the relationship and they think it sounds better to put it this way while breaking up.
Women and men both use this excuse, and I know people who have been told this sort of thing repeatedly. Its usually just an excuse for the other person to get out of the relationship without having to listen to a lot of crying, without having to argue a lot, and with both people being at least relatively calm, because it SOUNDS like the one doing the breaking up is trying to be a nice person about it. When, really, they're just being shady about their real reasons, which could be anything.
imo, most likely he/she wants to break up. is it the best way? i don't know, though i would like to think it is, it really isn't. i was actually planning to use something like this on that girl i've been talking to over the past couple of days (not c). i know, i already screw up by leading her on (unintentional btw), but i'm just being me, funny, friendly, nice. but yeah, anyone know how to stop someone from falling further?