My friend mathematicalbagpiper recently wrote an entry entitled,
"Why I Choose to be Single," with very compelling reasons as to why he would prefer to not be in a relationship. It was an excellent post, and I can relate to some of his reasons, but in a different way than you might imagine.
(Note that what follows is only my experience, and that everyone's relationships are different--not everyone is cut out either for single OR married life--they may need something entirely different.)
What's kinda funny is that I feel that all of those things he mentioned can also advantages to being in a committed, requited--i.e. both people love one another equally--monogamous relationship (or marriage, as I happen to be).
Here is my response:
Freedom - If you truly care about someone, then you'll give them the freedom they need in the relationship, and they'll return the favor. Do they need to spend time with other friends, family? Do they need you to leave them alone for at least a few hours a day? Then providing that freedom can happen within a relationship. I know that I need time with my friends and I need time to study. Justin needs to zone out playing video games for awhile--we both have to respect those needs. I also feel much more free knowing I don't have to worry about random losers hitting on my in the bar. My ring provides the freedom to enjoy myself without worrying about playing the dating field (which absolutely sucks, by the way) ever again.
Better finances - I know that I would never have been able to move out on my own, go to grad. school, and survive the financial pressures that go along with it if I didn't have Justin's income to supplement my own. We budget together, and are more wise with our money knowing that we can't only look out for our own interests financially--especially when it comes to credit and building it together. If we are going to buy a house, a car, or any other major purchase someday, then we have to be wise about our money.
More focus on my career - We agreed going into our relationship (and I personally think that everyone should) that we would both be able to pursue our career and school choices--
anyone who truly loves you would tell you to chase your dreams and not give them up. As a result, I've almost finished my master's and am planning on a PhD. Justin is working in a local high school right now, but he has my full blessing for whatever he wants to do for his career--he knows that the support is mutual.
More interesting sex life - Knowing that you're with someone you truly trust makes sex better. No joke--you know that they're not trying to sabotage your life by "accidentally" getting pregnant, you know their sexual history better because there's full disclosure, and you're not nervous or uncomfortable about your body because you know them so well. Perhaps some people feel they need variety, but there's a lot of risk in that--I am happy knowing that my sex life is both interesting and completely safe.
No more heartbreak - I think this explains itself. When you find a mutually requited love where you are committed to one another, you may fight, but there is no more heartbreak. And all of the heartbreak that you've gone through in order to find someone has made you grow as a person and you know it's been worth it and was important to your social/emotional/spiritual development. Maybe it sucked, but it made you who you are.
Ability to be myself - Justin is my best friend. I don't have to change anything about myself in order to be with him, for the very first time. He knows that I'm strongheaded, and I know that he's often quiet. We both have to work on understanding each other's quirks. It is essential that whoever you decide to be with, they don't stifle your individuality. This is not to be confused with selfishness, however--I've had some friends who say, "This just how I am, and if you don't get that, you don't deserve me!" in order to excuse complete and utter selfishness and self-absorption. Individuality is what makes each person unique, and should not be confused.
So, while I don't advocate marriage and/or relationships for everyone, I have never once regretted my choice. It's important that whatever a person chooses, that they have absolute and utter peace with it. That's what really matters.
Thoughts?
True
Comments (39)
Nicely put.
Well written! I agree with almost everything you wrote down.
Agreed. You said all of this so well. Thank you :)
I cant wait until i get married.
great post!!
I should clear up one thing:
Never once did I say that single was the only right choice. I never did. I said it's the right thing for me. I didn't mean to offend anyone with that last post. Sorry if I did.
@mathematicalbagpiper@xanga - I don't think you offended anyone. I think the writer just wanted to show the other side.
I think both articles have good reasons for both positions. You both realize that what is right for you isn't right for everyone, and that's cool. I wish more people honestly saw it that way. A lot of my friends are getting married and having kids, and if they're happy, that's great. I can't really understand why anyone would want to do that, but then they probably can't understand why I don't want to get married. So as long as they don't badger me about my choice and give me the whole "you just haven't met the right one" speech (trust me, I've heard it a million times, I'm sick of hearing it, and I wish they would just understand that maybe I don't particularly WANT to find the right one) and I don't make any derrogatory comments about their choice, we can all just get along even if our choices don't make sense to each other.
@EccentricSiren@xanga - Oh, the OP is a very good friend of mine. She wasn't trying to start an argument or anything. I read it on her site and actually encouraged her to submit this.
Very nice post!! I agree with almost everything!
Thanks so much for this post. I agree with you on all of those reasons. But I've been married for almost 6 years, so I guess your reasons are kinda mine, too. :)
And @mathematicalbagpiper@xanga - despite feeling differently than you, I don't think you really offended anyone (that I know of). I think about 8 years ago, I could have written the post you wrote. :)
I like this post. I'm really looking forward to marriage, however far off it may be.
Great post.
You don't really explain how the sex gets more interesting, but instead pointed out that, yes, of course you'll know everything about their sexual history by that point. Hopefully.
So I remain unconvinced on that point. :P
And from observing my parents' marriage and those of others around me, I can't see what's so great about marriage. I'd rather simply just spend the rest of my life with someone. I don't need a license and a ring for that. And then, at least I'd know my SO is with me because he wants to be, and not because divorce is messy.
So I guess I'm not for marriage necessarily, but I'm not for staying single forever, either. :/
Great post!
@mathematicalbagpiper@xanga - That's cool. I really liked seeing both sides presented.
To both sides: whatever floats your boat.
I'm in a serious relationship. Completely agree with all points, though the Ability to be myself and the freedom part, for me, is the toughest. Everything in moderation, I suppose, a happy medium.
when relationships go bad, sometimes you wish you were single. then when being single starts to feel lonely, you want to get into a relationship again but might put your guard up in fear of heartbreak. I understand both sides. either can be great or terrible.
This statement sums up the whole matter perfectly. As someone who chooses to stay single, and for those of you who choose companionship, having peace with the decision is paramount. At first, my family didn't believe me. Then they thought I was in denial. After that, they seemed to think I was acting out. However, they finally seem to get it now. All along, I have had that very same peace with my decision to remain single and that was the key factor that won out in the end. My family isn't happy with my choice, but they know that I have peace about it. As the OP stated, "That's what really matters."
Both posts provided good points. I really like your last statement.
Very good points. 40%-60% of marriages will end in divorce this year in the US. GOOD LUCK!
Very well written post! So the same reasons that apply to staying single also applies to staying in a relationship!
Well done!
Those are good reasons and I'm glad you are happy with marriage, but I'm still too young and restless to settle down now.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - Totally agree. I'm single, and I'm always wishing that I had a boyfriend, but then I think back to when I was in a relationship, and I wasn't happy. So, I suppose it's getting into a
goodrelationship that's key.
fantastic post. i'm really glad you wrote this. it helped me clarify a little bit more my own feelings.
i completly agree with you. all excellent points.
quite the interesting post... and everything here is just basically everything that many would not appreciate, take kindly, or agree with... their own opnion sure... but frankly this post is a light in our relativistic world... glad it's written, and quite poignantly I might add... and it's everything I'm anticipating for...