I'm reading some books right now on relationships and healthy communication. Predominantly I'm learning how to handle conflict in a healthier way. I figured I should document the key points of these books. The first book I'm reading is
Fight Fair!; Winning at Conflict without Losing at Love by Tim and Joy Downs.
Chapter 1:You and your significant other (SO) need to draw up guidelines (or "rules") for resolving conflict.
Learn to name your "Personal Faults and Fowls" so you know what type of behavior is not productive and how you can avoid using those behaviors.
Chapter 2:Form a buffer for miscommunication and misunderstanding by being encouraging and supportive of one another so when times of conflict arrive you can say:
- I'm confident of your love for me, even if you haven't told me lately.
- I know you're trying, even when it doesn't show.
- I know you mean well, even when it comes out wrong.
- I think the best of you, even when you fail.
- I trust you, even when I'm not there with you.
If negativity is not confronted when it appears then it will eventually show up somewhere else (like a small argument that brings pain).
Clouds of Confusion and Insights- The What Happened Conversation - Who said what, and who did what? Who's right, who meant what, and who's to blame? / Even if we had a recording of each conflict, we would still disagree on what the words really meant.
- The Feelings Conversation - Are my feelings valid? Appropriate? What do I do about the other person's feelings? What if he/she is angry or hurt? / Sometimes it takes a few moments to sort out our feelings and the reasons for them. It's best to have that thought through before opening our mouths.
- The Identity Conversation - Am I competent or incompetent? Am I a good person or bad? Am I worthy of love or unlovable? / The words "I am..." are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you.Arguments are more often about the feelings than the facts.
Chapter 3:
Unhealthy Objectives for Conflict:- To rationalize your actions.
- To prove yourself right.
- To prove your SO wrong.
- To punish the other person.
- To pay back for a previous offense.
- To vent anger
- To change your SO.
- To make your SO feel guilty or ashamed
- To intimidate your SO into submission
- To stir up a boring relationship
- To prove that you know the motives of your SO.
3 Healthy Objectives- To understand each other better - 1 Peter 3: 7 states "...live with your wives in an understanding way..." This is a process and not an event.
- To develop greater intimacy - You are not fighting your SO but rather division and isolation (you are not against flesh and blood). Resolving conflict is fighting for resolution and intimacy.
- To clean up toxic waste - Addressing major grievances and peacefully resolving them clears the air of other minor flaws, faults, and peccadilloes. Provers 18:19 states, "A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a citadel.""The goal in marriage is not to think alike but to think together."-Robert C. Dobbs
What are some ways you fight fair?
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Comments (9)
ive never fought b4. cause im always sayin sorry :))))). haha
Good tips!
Something I try to do to make conflict less threatening when my husband and I have a disagreement is to keep some kind of physical contact a lot of the time. I read somewhere that that helps men be less likely to shut down in conflict. It does seem to help to touch him- not overly so or invasively, just subtly. It makes me feel less irritated too, even though it can be really hard to initiate touch at all when I'm angry. It's just hard to get overly mad at someone when your arm is around their waist or your hand is on their knee.
naming our faults and fowls... as a couple, my SO and I unfortunately have no birds.
i don't really fight fair sometimes, i'm so stubborn, i always want to win even if i'm wrong.
@Cure_Pain@xanga - i knew a guy like that once, and it pissed the shiet out of me. guys who say sorry have no backbone. just don't do it excessively, cause you should remember that assertive guys are attractive too. hope this didn't come off sounding too harsh.
@dearFLOPPY@xanga - haha not at all. i do admit i say sorry. but the frequency of my arguements... are well.. close to none. i juz get along fine wif my significant other half.
That's teaching you how to avoid the problem and manipulate around it. There is a reason for the argument, and it should be natural. If I have a problem, I usually isolate myself for awhile to reason through it. Unfortunately, my emotions are intune with my reactions, so if I try to argue when I'm upset, it will come out as gibberish. From watching others... if you arent arguing with each other, it's just going to grow until you start screaming and you'll look for meaning in it later when, yes, it was pure emotion and fight for dominance. You aren't thinking when you argue. Debate is different because there won't be emotion and there will be a central issue, not conflict.
I like your post
Excellent post.
I it!