Whenever I log into Facebook, sometimes I would see status updates from one of my exes, Cody. His latest updates on his status were talking about how he's in so much pain because of his dad dying.
I've seen one of his exes that he's had a serious relationship with but they broke up a while ago comment and check up on him even though she has a boyfriend now...I'm not a crazy ex. I've never messaged her, but I read his page sometimes. I would like to check in on him, too, but part of me is stopping myself from doing so...because of how much he hurt me. Granted I never actually loved him or anything, but does that still justify him for hurting me?
A while ago, I had written an entry about a flirtatious friend of mine who would hang out with my guy friends behind my back, and Cody was one of the guys. Boy was I pissed at both of them.
I "forgave" my friend the year it happened...and it took me years to "forgive" Cody. I put quotes around forgive, because I don't know if I've truly forgiven them both...because I still have this angry grudge feeling every time I think about it even though it's been almost 3 years since it's all happened, though I've also told both of them I've "forgiven" them.
He was the ex that took my virginity. I thought she would know her boundaries, but no, she still allowed it to happen and still hung out with him behind my back even though he was not going out with me. I'm not sure I trust her on how far they've actually gone since she's lied about other things but she said all they did behind my back was hang out and make out. It hurt me because all she would do with him was just hook up with him and it wasn't ever going to go anywhere, then it would just make things awkward for us all.
I wish I had never introduced these two people because I had hoped to be at least friends with him, and now, that is completely ruined to the point where I don't even know if I want to check up on him.
I've tried to put the past behind me, but I was really hurt...and I guess...I still am regardless if I have said that I've "forgiven" both of them.
What would you do in my situation, just ask if he will be okay anyway over the loss of his father, or not say anything at all if you couldn't get over past situations?
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Comments (20)
What I would do in your situation...is delete all ex boyfriends from Facebook. News feed always has a way of showing all the info you DON'T need to see. I think you'll be better off if you did that. There's no need to still check up on him if he's not in your life anymore.
I tried to be friends with my ex and help him with his problems and it only caused more conflict between us.
that and he is a raging asshole.
only you can really know what to do in this situation...
I would say don't touch it. he's without you now, he can handle his problems on his own...
i honestly read the whole thing and still have no idea what you writing about.. the only advice that will work here is MOVE ON! be careful when you choose your friends/boyfriends next time
I think you're kind of answering your own question by saying that you still have angry feelings and placing the word forgive inside quotation marks. I agree with @sarahzthoughts@xanga though.. If he isn't in your life, there's really no need. (However, If you think consoling him over the loss of his father will really
make him feel better, do it. It really comes down to what matters most
to you: your pain or his grief.)
@Posh_Barbie_Doll@xanga - I don't really understand it either...
Facebook is horrible, thank goodness I don't have anyone added that I dislike.If you want you could, although leaving it alone would be better so you don't stir up any emotions.
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - Totally agree. Delete him from your friends, lose his phone number and move on.
You really need to move on, like the others have said. Facebook can send you insane.
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
lol TC, are you in highschool?
?? do you honestly really blame him? he was doing what he thought was right. if you actually care about what you had together at all, why hold any grudges? it's important to realize that living in the past is stupid. reach out to him, see how he *honestly* reacts.
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - Agreed.
It's not healthy to be checking up on ex's. looking at their status updates and comments can cause some serious torment lol.I would just delete them off facebook.
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - Agreed. I have only one ex, but he and I were really good friends before we ever dated. If we parted on anything less than amicable terms, I would definitely not have him as a friend on facebook.
I deleted my ex off my facebook when we broke up, recently he has added me back but i didnt accept his request. Its just not worth it. I have moved on and i dont wish to rub it in his face that im happy with someone else. He got obsessed with getting me back. Also, i dont need extra drama in my life. Its best to forget your exes.
if you didnt love him or still care about him you wouldnt be checking up on him. You would be carrying on with your life, and not worry about checking in on him or not
my ex that hurted me badly, well i still have him on fb, just to be a civil human being. but if something like that were to happen, i'd still ask him if he's okay. it's just the right thing to do imo. but that's it. no need to go out of your way for him, just like write on his wall asking him if he;'s okay and all. that's it.
@PMFoutofwater - agreed. That's why you can't really be friends with exes.
As for contacting him or not? If you can truly be grown up about it and you just want to express concern over his ailing father and not as some form of excuse to contact your ex, then I say go for it. But if you dig deep down inside yourself and really be honest whether about your reasons for thinking about it and it's to contact your ex for the sake of contacting him, then just move on.
You said it has been three years ...and you still haven't forgiven him? Let the guy live his life in peace. Three years is a long time to keep Facebook stalking someone. He probably has family and friends who can comfort and support him.
Give him your condolence and move on.
Why let what the past irk you so? It's not going to do you any good.
He wasn't a good (ex boyfriend) or friend (after) and your girlfriend wasn't either. It's not worth to holding onto the grudge.
BLOCK HIM on facebook. There is absolutely NO need to keep someone who has hurt you this badly around even through facebook. Clearly, you are still hung up on it, so by looking at his statuses and stuff DO NOT HELP.
Trust me, i've been there, done it, gone through all of it and then some.
Block him, there is no other way. You cannot control yourself because you still hold a grudge, so it's best to remove anything related to him from your life.
first of all, why is it such a big deal that he and your friend hung out? you guys weren't going out so it wasn't like he cheated on you. i don't quite understand why you would need to "forgive" them for anything at all.
second, he's an ex for a reason. you don't NEED to be his friend. you don't NEED to check up on him. you even said it yourself: you never really loved him. so what is the big deal?
if you never really loved him why is going to his facebook profile such a big deal? i don't know, this post is a little jumbled to me. the second paragraph doesn't seem to make sense. but from what i can gather from it, i can agree with most of the people who have commented and all i can say is MOVE ON.
i think you just need to grow up and get over it. i mean.. i know that sounds hard, and you were hurt and i understand... but in reality the only person its hurting is you. people need to forgive for themselves, because they feel it the most
quite honestly, you may never know how far they've gone.. but its not entirely your business either. technically shes your friend, or was, so shouldn't have done that.. but things happen. i mean if you weren't going out.. than as much as she shouldn't do that being your friend, he's also kind of free game
and i have the feeling that him being young, he was probably liking both of you.. i mean young guys like to max on their options
if i were you... i would probably send a msg and say you know i know things have been kind of rocky with us.. but i just wanted to say i hope you're alright and im sorry for your loss.. or else maybe ask how he is if you want.. but i probably wouldn't since i don't think it'd b good to see how he is while saying sorry for your loss. but maybe later you could msg him and see whats up. but maybe you should wait a little.. i know sometimes ppl need to chill for a while so things don't go bad..you might not b at the point where you guys can talk n be cool.. but i say if you want to, than go for it.. just put out the best intention, and don't be petty or bring up old shit. its done.
oh man, I think i know what you mean. I'm back with my boyfriend who was my ex for a few months last winter and one of my "friends" went behind my back and flirted, eventually had a kiss (though apparently it was awkward anyway) and never told me about it. She only brought it up after he came back to me and he told me everything.
I hate it, she was best friends with one of my best friends, but they're so much closer... so it made things awkward for ALL of us, including my boyfriend because he was always with me around them. We dated for 2 years before the break up and she didn't even have the nerve to ask me if I'd be okay (though I was obviously still hurt within a month of the break up! geez)
If you can't feel comfortable about forgiving, I'd just back off and let him figure things out on his own.
Everything else aside, losing a parent is much more heart-wrenching that what he did to you. While I understand your pain and I feel that you are justified in how you feel and your confusion, I also think that its time to put this aside. It really isn't good for you, personally, to hold such grudges. Just be careful in the future how you trust your friend, since she has obviously shown that she is untrustworthy. Personally, if I can't trust a friend, I don't really feel that they're worth having. :/ But, I'm not going to tell you to get rid of your friend. And, it takes two to tango, so I'm glad that you aren't just putting it all on one person, at least.
But, losing a parent is a whole different kind of hurt, and it is not easy to even begin to describe it. There's nothing wrong in working toward putting your grudges aside, and the first step might just be to send him a message, or give him a call, and ask him how he is doing and tell him you're sorry about his father and that he can talk to you if he needs to. At a time like this, a person needs all the support that they can get, period. :/
I'm sorry for the way that your friend and ex treated you, though. That's terrible of them. But, that doesn't mean you should let it consume you and let it dictate your actions. If you want to drop him a line and see how he is, then go for it. It might be good for you, personally, if you did it. :)