Friday, 01 January 2010
-
Why Does Everyone Think I'm Too Young to Want to Settle Down?
When girls are younger, we make lists of the perfect guy. Well, my friends & I did anyway. I'm pretty sure my list was more detailed than my friends'. He had to be tall, blue or green eyes, caring, funny, and like animals. As I got older the list grew when I realized I like guys with tattoo's and piercings, but no weird hairstyles/colors. I don't want him to smoke, or drink...excessively. No drugs either.
Now the list has grown to I have to be able to be myself, and he has to be okay with the goofy/romantic side of me. Another thing, I don't want him to be obsessed with anything dangerous (knives, guns, fire, etc..) I think I may be too picky, because I can't find one guy like that. The guy I'm kind of dating now collects knives, loves fire, and owns a Harley, which he insists I ride with him. I told him I'm not getting on anything that can go as fast as a car and has no sides or seat belts. I like life too much.
At 20 years old, I've dated God knows how many guys..None of the relationships lasted that long. Two and a half months at most, except for one, which was five months. I'm sick of dating guys that either cheat on me because I won't sleep with them, or break up with me because they don't want to cheat on me because I'm not sleeping with them. I'm pretty sure I'm ready to find the one, as silly as that sounds. I want to find my 'perfect guy', get married & have kids. I want it to be in hopefully the next 5-6 years, but I'm pretty sure it won't happen, considering I can't find a decent guy. I don't want to have a kid at thirty-four like my mom did, and not be able to play with them as they got older.
I tell people this, and they tell me I'm too young to want to settle down; That I should want to date more guys, and just have fun. My first love was the guy that I dated for five months, I don't want to go through that heartbreak again. My problem is that I always fall too hard, too soon and end up caring way too much. I give everything when I'm in a relationship, and always end up getting hurt. I don't want to 'keep dating and have fun', I want to find the guy I'm supposed to be with. I'm getting to the point that if I don't find the 'right guy', I'm just going to be done dating. I don't see the fun in having to worry if I'm doing something wrong, what I might say wrong, if they might cheat on me, and wondering when they're going to decide they don't like me anymore.
Am I the only person that thinks this way? Any thoughts on the matter?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: noPrinceCharming
- About Me: 20.Random.Outgoing.Hopeless Romantic.Photographer
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 16 Views: 0 78457 Comments: 0 1634 View all posts by noPrinceCharming
Comments (114)
No, your young, but I got married at 22, people still think I was too young to know what I'm doing. Nine months later, I'm still proving people wrong. Its all about perspective ya know?
i think when you know, you know, and nobody else can tell you what's best for you.
I'm glad to see that this post wasn't made by a 16 year old
There's definitely an age where it would be unwise to settle down due to lack of life experience, but I don't think 20 is a bad age to be considering it. I'm 21 but I don't think I could yet seeing how I still have yet to finish college and decide what I'll be doing with my life, career-wise (oh and I'm also broke). I don't think it's a good idea to get married before accomplishing either of those things, but many people do and they are able to make it work, so I guess it depends on the person.
Honestly, it's nice to see posts like this by people who are actually considering their future in a mature way without being obsessed with "living in the moment" and partying, sleeping around, etc like there's no tomorrow.
there are plenty of fish in the sea.
when you find the right one, go ahead. there isn't a right age for it. :]
You're 20. Your brain doesn't even stop developing til 23.You can look it up.
You also don't say what you're doing in life, school? work? Are you in a situation where you can meet new and interesting people, or are you living at home basically still stuck in the high school way of life?
You have a LOT ahead of you, whether you choose to believe that or not, it's true.Finding the perfect guy and settling down should be far down the list of your priorities.
I wanna settle down but I'm only 16. Mind you, I don't mean RIGHT NOW--that'd be ridiculous. I mean when I'm out of college, I want to. Always have, ha. Oops.
I don't think you're too young to want to settle down; I'm wanting the same thing, at not-quite-22. But it does sound like you need to branch out and meet new people, ones who fall into your definition of "the one" as you explained him in this post. Are you in college or at least working?
I was 27 and dating someone and first felt like settling down while my friend got married because she really wanted to and had found the perfect person for her. I think I'm more independent-minded with and than others.
What you don't consider is guys are like us, they want to be themselves, they are insecure at time, etc. Right now you're only considering your needs but what about their needs as well and compromising? Relationships are 2-way streets.
Give it some time, you're still young and still modifying that list because you are developing as a person--learning your likes and dislikes. Meanwhile be open to meeting people, one day you may find someone that is right for you in the long run.
Meh, I'm 18 and I honestly am just not interested in being with anyone else. I haven't been interested since I met my bf four years ago and the longer we're together the more I want to stay with him.
You're not crazy, it's just that no one else can understand your precise situation like you can. Other people do, however, have other perspectives and you shouldn't take that lightly. They know things you don't and (most) can see your situation in an unbiased way that you can't.
That said, you'll never find the Perfect Man by looking for him. Drop your need to find said man and just let yourself have fun - that's how most people find their Perfect Other. ;)
When you're in the moment, you're not able to look at things with the clearest judgment sometimes. When I look back at stages of my life where I thought I knew a lot or thought I was hot shit, I cringe, because now I can look at that version of me and see that I was immature, or not ready to handle something that I had thought I could take on at the time. I would hate to have to look back on this time and realize that I hadn't been ready for something so huge, and that it totally changed my life with consequences I wouldn't have considered when it was happening.
well, only you can decide what's right for yourself. personally though, i think people still grow immensely in their early 20s, and i think a person should (at least try to) fully know him/herself and his/her expectations of life before committing that life to another individual. it's not really about having more fun, its about further self-exploration.
"I'm sick of dating guys that either cheat on me because I won't sleep with them, or break up with me because they don't want to cheat on me because I'm not sleeping with them. "
LOL
It's not your age that concerns me when you say you want to settle down--It's your lack of relationship experience. Five months is not long enough at all. There will be guys who will fit your criteria, stop dating the losers long enough to let them find you!
I think before you can honestly say you want to settle down, you need to be in a long term relationship, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, by wanting to just find him and get it over with, you are hurting no one more than yourself. Being so glued to the idea of a relationship lasting forever really limits your ability to walk away from a relationship if it is going downhill. And that is something you need to come to terms with before you start getting into the idea of "settling down."
I haven't dated many people, and I definitely don't play the field so I can have loads of fun. I have been in a relationship for almost a year and a half now, and while I don't like casual flings, and I do want a real relationship with whoever I'm with, I also realize that I may have to walk away if it doesn't work, and if we can't make it work. And truly, it's the mistakes you make in those kind of relationships that help you find what you really want in that person you want to settle down with.
I got married at 18, so I'm in no position to tell anyone they're too young to get married. You'll both change a lot, so it's going to take a lot to make it work, but it's worth it.
I'm 21, and engaged. I was to marry before I'm 23 and be settled enough to have a baby soon after. Most people I talk to about it say I'm crazy and I should only be concerned about being young and having fun. I think some people are just not like that. Some people mature faster and are ready earlier to take that step in life.
I believe in a long-term relationship before marriage though. My 6th anniversary with my boyfriend is coming up next week.
I mean I'm 18 and have always been one to date long term because I value seriously, deeply involved relationships...
I don't think that's settling down, I think it's just preference.
I don't think you're wrong for wanting to find someone to be close to or share your life with. it's not settling down until you get married. I know people say at this age you're still "finding yourself" and that until you're done doing that, you shouldn't settle into a relationship with anyone because they could change, and it's hard to feel attached to someone who is no longer who you fell in love with. but just because people change doesn't mean that they can't change together...
from your post it doesn't sound to me like you want to settle down, because you haven't found anyone to settle down with. it sounds like you just want to find someone to be close to, and you want to find the person who you later in life could marry and settle down with... and there's nothing wrong with that. I think that's completely normal for young people.
I don't think age has any say in what you should do, unless of course your like 10. I'm 19 and I have had so many failed relationships and want to have what everyone else around me seems to have. I want someone to care about m s much as I care about them. If I find the one I'm not gonna let my age dictate how things should go. When you know, you just know.
Im 20. getting married in 6 months. people tell me im young.
Ive found someone with the same views as me...neither of us dated around and are ready to commit. you dont need "experience" to know what its about. It comes naturally cuz thats what we all yearn for. To love someone, and to be loved.
But in response to your situation; id suggest to just be content in your situation. I made a list myself on my "perfect guy" and My fiance does not fit the list except for the fact that he loves God, which is my top priority.
My list went something like this:
Loves the lord, shares my views, Tall, fit, athletic, has to snowboard, skateboard, be ambitious, adventurous, loving, fun, funny,
My FIance:
Loves God, shares my views, not that much taller than me, hardly can run a mile, im forcing him to try snowboarding, has said ive put him out of his comfort zone often in doing things he'd think only crazy people do, Loving, amazing, hillarious, .....amazing...amazing. I love him more than i thought i could love anyone.
love will come to you naturally, and once you do fall in love, your list will seem ridiculous and selfish in a way.
At 20, I was in the exact same mindframe as you are. I'm 26 now, and met my husband at 22...after spending six months proclaiming that I'd never get married because I couldn't find anyone...and then I stopped looking. And he fell right in my lap. I guess my point is that it's okay to want to settle down at your age...but looking back, I wish I wouldn't have been so focused on it in my early twenties. Because it'll happen when it happens. Saying, at 20, that you'll probably never find someone and probably never get married is silly. Life changes so quickly that you just can't predict things like that. But it seems to me that you either need to update your list, or you need to stop dating guys who don't adhere to it. My biggest piece of advice? Don't settle. Never settle. If he isn't exactly what you want, and--list be damned--doesn't make you feel sure when you consider forever with him, then get out. You have the right to find the exact person that will fit you for the rest of your life. And if it takes two months or ten years, then so be it. But don't settle just because you think it's time to do so. That's not how these things should work.
Stop pressuring yourself. You're young yet (not trying to say you shouldn't feel like settling down yet...just that it's okay if you're not to that point yet.) You have years before the pressure really needs to hit critical mass. The next few years will change you so much. Let the change happen and then see if your One And Only drops into your lap...or maybe you into his;)
-Katie
@turtletastic - I disagree a little that you need to be in a long-term relationship before you can be sure you want to settle down. My husband never dated anyone longer than a month before he met me. It made him a little gun-shy--they were all quasi-psychotic and it left a little baggage--but he knew he wanted to be with me. And we've been married for 6 months, but settled for three years. For some people, you may need a long-term relationship before you know for sure, but not everyone.:)
I do agree when you say not to get so focused on "settling down" that you stay in a relationship when it isn't working. I did that with a couple boyfriends. It made things a lot worse than they needed to be in the end.
-Katie
As a 20 year old married woman, i will tell you that marriage is not all the glitz and glamor people seem to make it out to be. Marriage takes hard work, and just because you have finally found the 'one' you've been looking for, doesn't mean everything is just peachy. Remember that no one person will be perfect for you and meet all your needs... the 80-20 rule. =]
Take your time and really analyze the guys your dating, have fun with it, you will know when the right one comes around, no doubt in mind!
For most people 20 is far too young to settle down with the whole marriage and kids deal, but there is nothing wrong with wanting to finally meet a decent person who you can see being with long term.
Nobody can tell you at what age you should be ready to get married, have kids, settle down, because it is different for each person and couple.
It looks like you're doing the no sex until marriage thing. I won't argue for/against it, but I will say you should be extra mindful of the pressure it puts on your relationships. I've seen that cause people to rush into marriage when they probably needed more time.
In general, though, I don't think 20 is too young. I've been wanting to settle down for a while now, just haven't found the right girl yet.
I'm right there!
I'm 20. I want to be married. I've never dated or anything, but I've got a list of qualities (and, btw, I just happened upon the guy that fulfills every single one, so I'm excited to know that there are a few out there).
20 isn't too young. My parents got married at 18 and 21. They're still together, still going strong.
Your wants will keep changing at that age. You ARE too young. Wait it out.
Geez.
- Kunoichi