Wednesday, 30 December 2009
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"She Wants to Upgrade Her Husband"
About a year and a half ago, I had dinner with a female friend. She and I have never had a physical chemistry and that being said, we have been friends. She was on and off with a guy that I have never met but have friends in common with. Six weeks later, they were engaged, and 3 months later they were married. The last time I spoke to her was about 4 months ago. She called me earlier this week and asked me to dinner. Last night we went to dinner.
She wanted to go to a nice restaurant, and I went with the flow. In the car after I picked her up and she insisted on giving me a hug and kissing me (no tongue), I asked what her husband was doing. She said that he was working. I asked if he was going to meet us out after he got off work. She said no. There were a couple of other things that were said, during that car ride that did not really register at that time, but in retrospect gave me pause to suspect her motives. We had dinner, and she wanted to talk about her life in general. It turns out that her husband is working two jobs, and they never see each other, etc. I was then suspicious about why he was not meeting us out because he got off of work around 9:30 and we started dinner around 9.
The more she spoke, the more she sounded dissatisfied with her marriage. They are struggling to make ends meet, even though, she has a pretty good job in sales. I suspect it is because she has some expensive hobbies that is reserved for the upper middle class. When the check came, I threw in a credit card expecting her to do the same, but she did not and just said thanks and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. At first I was upset about this, then I realized that she is struggling financially, but I felt used. She asked me to dinner, and friends don't suggest a high end restaurant if they cannot afford their share. But I have friends who do more extravagant things for me, so I chilled out about it. Yet, I could not help but think that she was using me as a chump who would take her out when she wanted to.
Instead of confronting her about it, I decided that I would just consider it community service. She then took me to a local bar that I have not been to in about 8 months. Her friend was working the bar, and giving us free drinks. While we standing there and hanging out, she started close talking me, throwing her large breasts on my chest, and putting her hand on my butt. This was in front of her bartender friend who knows she is married. I felt a bit uncomfortable at this point; we live in a right to carry state. Luckily, a couple of her friends eventually showed up at this same bar. When they came by, I stood around for about 30 minutes and asked her if she could get home. She said that she could call her husband to pick her up, but she really appreciated the night because she needed a night out. So I left her with her friends and went to meet up with some of my buddies who were elsewhere and that is when I actually started enjoying the night.
As I look at this, I see a lot of messed up things at this point. As I have stated before on many occasions, that I'm no angel, but if you are going to make a commitment, you have to go all in. It is either 0 or 100%, nothing more or less. Commitment is hard and I have for the most part failed at it. But she chose to get married to this guy, and now is doubting things when things are rough. It doesn't work that way, and to make him work two jobs to support them when she only works one is a load of shit. It is time to cut some expenses and sacrifice for each other until they can be in a position where they can live in the way she feels fit. Second, although I have the cash to go on dates and take people out for special occasions, this was neither, and so I felt railroaded and taken advantage of when the check came. I shouldn't be too bothered by this, but I only talk to her once every 4 or 5 months. It is not my role to take her out when she feels like it. I don't want to sleep with her, and I will never let that happen, but I know that she has neither the means or the intention to take me out or hang out with me when I am feeling down and out. And I don't expect her to ever do that.
The more that I think about it, and some of the things that she said and has done in the past gives me the impression that she wants to upgrade her husband. I definitely am not up for that considering how crappy she is treating him at this point. She knew that he was not the financial the most stable person, so it was unrealistic to think that it would be different after they got married. What was she thinking? If she wasn't willing to compromise and sacrifice for her marriage, then she shouldn't have married the guy. If she wanted a guy to pamper her and take the lead, then she should have married someone else. So as much as I am trying to feel sorry for her, I cannot. It didn't help that she lit me up after I left with text messages to check to see if I had a good time, thanking me for the night out, and seeing if I got home okay. I did not respond to any of the texts last night or this morning.
Thoughts?
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- From: ewsmd@xanga
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Comments (25)
i like pie
MOOOCH. you don't make plans unless you can afford them. that's so rude.
and her failing marriage is not your fault although it seems she wants to drag you into it.
damn, the girl used you. i suggest you never hang out with her one-on-one again. and if she insists, you should tell her all these reasons... while reminding her that she has a husband.
Kudos to her for being quite a planner. I think there is a hidden motive behind all these, which only her (and her husband) know the answer. Were you being used by her for the fancy restaurant and nice dinner? Yes, indeed. She doesn't feel adequate with what she has with her husband right now and trying to use you as the ticket to having fun. But saying that she wants to upgrade her husband? I'm afraid I can't agree with you. Some women just want to have fun yet still love their husbands. Commitment issues? Yes, she has trouble being committed to a sacred institutional like marriage.
Anyway, this post reminds me of an episode from Gossip Girl, The Wrath of a Con.
Sounds like she's a user. She's not really a friend.
I agree.
I'd say drop her as a friend. Friendship is just like any other relationship, it needs to be a two way street. If you're willing to go out of your way for her, but if shes not willing to do shit for you then theres something wrong. Obviously she has personal issues and issues with her husband and she needs to get those worked out, not avoid the problem by partying and going out with other guys.
I wouldn't hang out with someone like that. I know everyone has their own definition, but if I were her husband I'd consider what she was doing (kissing you, touching you, using you for a date pretty much) as cheating. A woman like that is nothing but trouble. Save yourself the drama and distance yourself from her before she gets you in the middle of her mess. A real friend wouldn't treat you the way she has.
Once a person gets married, they are allowed to be attracted to other people. But being so blatantly disrespectful by flirting with you in front of her friends is terrible. Acting on that attraction just shows she jumped into marriage too quickly.
shouldn't be friends with her, unless you want her husband to give you a black eye
hmm did you ever think that maybe when you tossed your credit card out there, if it was all on one bill, that she thought you were just taking initative and paying the bill? could just be a miss understanding.
kinda sux but i would have announced the split amount puahahaha. she chose to hang out, and she chose the restaurant.
hoe-ass
thats a bitch right there
Wow. I'm really sorry she had to take advantage of you like that. Shame on her...
i dont get it, so why are you still friends with her?
Total bitch move.
I would of just told the waiter, "Just my half, please," and make her pay for own half. If one asks to hang out, one should take care of the tab (preferrably) or go dutch.
I just want to say that I commend you on your actions. I know a lot of men that would not have given it a second thought. And you're right, commitment should be all or nothing.
As for her, she'll just have to figure it out, but she must be quite proud of herself thinking that you'll do all of that for her no questions asked... no points for that.
@firetyger@xanga - i agree totally, listen to firetyger
Give the girl a break. What she did was WRONG, yes, and totally not a good friend move, but it's not like NO other girl out there has ever done it. Yes, come on ladies, you know what I'm talking about. We know when we have relationship problems we tend to start craving the attention we're missing from someone else. I can totally understand WHY she would do what she did, but no it does NOT make it right. All I'm saying is she's not a complete whacko for doing what she did because tons of other girls out there do the same thing too, just a little less obviously than she did. How many times has a guy gone out and met some girl at the bar, they completely hit it off and then at the end of the night when he asks for her number she goes "oh I have a boyfriend". It's the same thing!
With that being said, even though it is normal for her to crave attention from someone else she should NOT have acted on those feelings. It's probably better if you don't see her again (at least until her marriage is back on track) because as long as her marriage is crumbling she's going to be missing attention and she's going to want it some other way. She should actually look towards her girlfriends for attention instead of a guy.
I don't blame you for feeling the way she did. That was really shady of her. Definitely not classy at all.
I agree with you. She chose to marry this guy, she made her bed and now she needs to lie in it. She needs to take care of one relationship before she decides to start any new ones.
Sounds to me like she wanted to use you as sugar daddy for the night.
I wouldn't have returned her calls, either. I have no respect for women like that, really. :/ They give women in general a bad name.
If the two of you were just friends, it would have been okay to politely ask her about paying for her share at dinner- as in "Aren't we splitting the bill?" Could she have mistaken your initial credit card move as an offer to pay?
The "touchy/feely" portion of the evening was definitely over the line, and it would be good to stay away. Makes me feel sorry for her hubby.
she's so full of it. some people just think they 'deserve' whatever they want, for some reason, and that promises (like the kind you make during you WEDDING) don't matter. You did the right thing, although kissing you and touching your butt was still cheating on her husband her part, at least in my mind, and as awkward as it might've been, you probably shouldn't have even let her get the satisfaction of doing that much.
Tell her to cut some of those expensive habits, get over herself, and settle down into the life she chose for herself, making the most of it. She is where she is because of her own choices, and tell her you won't be her fantasy escape from it. Not only is it not your job, it's not even what a good friend should do.
She might have just been doing it for the attention. Don't let her make you pay for her and make it clear you don't want the physical attention. I know it's fun to have a flirty female friend sometime but let someone else who isn't married fulfill this role for you, let her be unless she starts being normal. If you don't talk for 5 months and then suggest an expensive dinner that you can't afford, that's straight up messed up.
@moocowie@xanga - okay, if you need attention like that you go to a bar and you let boys buy you free drinks. that's a lot different than going to a friend and forcing him to buy you expensive dinner which is definitely a whole lot more intimate and the guy has different expectations than if it was a random guy from a bar.
i personally haven't ever gone for attention like this but I usually have a lot of guy friends so I don't feel neglected often.
@tmchica@xanga - People like attention in different ways, maybe she used to have a thing for this guy (and he never knew) and thats why she specifically wanted attention from him. You never know. She didn't force him to pay for dinner, she just expected him to pay for dinner. Had he said something about it she might have paid her share. And as far as the guy having expectations - I think a random guy from a bar would have more expectations from her than a friend, so it's safer to flirt with a friend than to flirt with a random guy because she knows the friend won't take advantage of her or try to sleep with her at the end of the night.
Again, not saying she's right, just that sometimes nice girls get taken over by their feelings and end up losing control over their actions. It's happened before, she's not the first one to do it. But yeah. I mean I agree with you she was doing it for the attention and it definitely is not the right thing to do considering her marital status.