Tuesday, 29 December 2009
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Dating: Who Should Make the First Move?
When it comes to dating, should guys always make the first move? Seems a pretty straightforward question, no? Possible answers: yes, no, or it depends.
It used to be so easy. Until not so long ago, the answer was clear: yes, men should always make the first move. To ask a girl if she wants to dance, if she wants to go out with him, and the following occasions. Men were expected to take the lead and were expected to keep making first moves for a long time. But of course, times have changed and it is common now that a girl makes the first move. Emancipation saw to that. But note that I said 'common'. I really don't believe that we have come at a point where it's fifty-fifty. I believe that still far more men than women make the first move(s).
Now here's the rub: some women make first moves, but how is a guy to know if the girl he is interested in will make the first move? Let me give you an example. My co-blogger Miriam and I met at a concert and started talking. A day or so later, I suggested we meet up for a coffee (which you could interpret as a first move), and we did. Now the interesting part is what happened after that coffee. She thought: if he's interested in me he will have to call again. I thought: well I've made the first move so now the next step is up to her. Result: we didn't follow up for another three weeks, both waiting for the other to take the next step. If we had both been a bit more stubborn, we would never have met again! Lucky for us, we did in the end.
Clearly many women, no matter how emancipated, feminist or independent they are, still prefer the guys to take the lead. The romantic in them still likes to be 'wooed', they still want to be asked. Look at the lyrics of this song, Shy Boy, by Katie Melua:
I'm sitting in the window of a street cafe Watching you walking by each day,It seems that you always wanna look my way Hey, you can't deny, boy,You're such a shy boy.
So good looking you seem to be But you're too tongue-tied to say hi to me,You could make it happen so easily Woah, I'll tell you why boy,'Cos I'm looking for a shy boy
So, the scene is: the girl in the cafe likes the shy boy that walks by each day. She think he likes her too. So what happens next?
Some guys act a bit too sure And maybe you're thinkin' that less is more But honey, you still gotta knock on my door Hey, just try boy,And you could be my boy
Well there it is: she is adamant that he has to make the first move (you still gotta knock on my door), shy or not.
So here are my questions:
Girls: do you still expect guys to make the first move(s), and why?
Guys: how would you feel if the girl made the first move?I'm looking forward to your comments!
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- From: hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga
- About Me: Jan-Wouter Stigter and Miriam Cassar write their stories connected with the songs they post for the next hundred days.
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Comments (77)
If someone is definitely interested, they should take it upon themselves to make the first move. None of this "guys should always make the first move bullshit." Don't play games and then complain afterwards that you can't find anyone. If you are digging that person, talk to them first and let them know.
I don't believe in fate, for those that do, remember that fate can only take you so far... The rest is up to you. You can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket! I would be very flattered if a girl made a first move and more than likely, even if I wasn't that into her, I'd give her a chance and see how things went.
I think guys should still make the first move. To me it doesn't matter how interested I am in him. If I guy isn't interested enough in me to put forth the effort to make the first move, why should I try to spark the relationship? Plus most women want a strong leader for a man.
What is this, the Victorian era? Antiquated notions of gender roles and dating be damned. I think whoever is the most interested party should make the first move, regardless of gender.
i think the guy should be the one who does the asking out/proposing. i'd never propose to my boyfriend, i'd want him to do it to me. but that's just me.
as far as who initiates things in the relationship? i've been in my relationship so long now that i just don't care. i'll ask my boyfriend on dates. i'll grab his hand instead of waiting for him to grab mine. in a new relationship though, i would prefer the guy made the first move.
Let's face it - anybody who insists the male must initiate is more than just old-fashioned. They're also a little sexist.
No, I don't expect guys to always make the first move.
@NikBv@xanga - Agree with you there!
For me this is a confusing issues when others read or hear my opinion but to me it makes since. On one hand I am a strong feminist but on the other I believe chivalry is not dead. I am a strong independent woman but I think a lot more for guys who make the first move, open doors, pay for a date ext. The part of me that says chivalry is not dead is extremely old school and wont call/text first and I wont make the first move. Sorry boys its up to you. :)
I don't think I'll ever put myself out there for someone who wouldn't do the same.
Besides, right now times are changing because of Feminists.
@bballchica49@xanga - If only women like you only knew why they get assholes as boyfriends or guys that are really only in it for sex.
I really think it depends on the culture you're in, at times. I'm Korean and it's damn retarded for the girl to make the first move in most cases where I am. Guys always have to make the first move. After that, girls can make keen suggestions but never outright ask, and guys have to take the hint and step it up continually.
Once you start dating that's a completely different matter in itself, I reckon. It's the process leading up to the point where you ask someone out officially to go steady with you that's the problem.
In my own opinion though, I really hate the concept of expectations for the whole dating game. I adore someone right now and I'm too scared to ask him out first because I'm worried he'll find it desperate and annoying, just because I'm the girl. Convention says that he should ask ME out first. Which is so stupid.
This is very confusing. I think women want to be wooed and certain a man is interested in her. I often make myself available but I want the guy to make the first move. I usually flirt and get a man's attention first but after that I want the guy to make the moves for a while to make me sure that he is genuinely interested...
i cant make the first move... EVER.. ever ever ever! i wish i could though
and if I did the first move I expect them to do the second b/c I feel I could sound desperate if I call again.. :(
Just don't wait too long...you'll let something good pass you by.
this is the 21st century, anyone who feels it should make the first move. don't wait for someone else or it's going to be too late.
@xXDC_luyouXx - personally i have never dated an ass hole. if a women dates a man and lets him treat her like crap just because he made the first move she was gonna be used for sex either way
If my sister-in-law hadn't have made the first move, my brother would have let her walk on by. In fact, he did let her walk by - she went after him!
It's not that I expect the guy to make the first move, it's that I'm too shy myself haha.
In a hopelessly romantic way, I think most girls would expect a guy to make the first move; a guy is supposedly the one who initiates everything.
I doesn't matter really.. As long as it's mutual in a some sense.. I suppose.
I think it's always been the 'traditional' way of things by having the guy make the first move. But I believe that if you really really like the guy, and nothing is happening, then the girl should go make the first move instead. Most girls would probably feel comfortable with the guy doing it, but if we stayed in our comfort zone, nothing interesting would happen : )
there's nothing wrong with girls making the first move... but surely, it's wrong for girls to propose marriage... lol; it makes us look kinda bad...
personally, i prefer to make the first move, that's if the opportunities arise. i've taken plenty of rejections before, what more could one more do to me?
Maybe it's because I'm old fashioned but i feel the guy should make the first move.
I find this ironic... because I just got done blogging on the same topic... I have pursued men, and always came away - feeling like less of a woman. Yeah ... that's "stone age" thinking, we've already had our sexual revolution... but it's what I believe. I WANT to be pursued... chased... and ultimately caught. I guess I'm a closet romantic... and at the same time, I don't think I'm that "uncommon."