Tuesday, 29 December 2009
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Keeping It Sexy When It's Long Distance
Q. I am currently in a long distance relationship. We've been together for about 2 years now. My boyfriend is a really open person, especially sexually. He is literally up for anything and expects the same from me. But the problem is, that's just not me. I used to think I was pretty open minded but lately he's been pushing my limits a bit.
Because we're in a long distance relationship he wants me to talk about sex with him. I've tried, but I don't really feel comfortable doing that. I never know what to say. It's really frustrating for both of us. He thinks I'm not trying, but it's just outside my comfort zone. Lately, he's been saying I'm not his type because I'm not open that way. I want things to work out between us, even if that means changing the way I act.Should I change? Or is the long distance relationship making him want me this way because he can't see me?
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Comments (70)
You're choice.
Long distance sucks I've been in a long distance relation ship for 6 months now, and it seems to be working out.
It definitely changes the relationship.
And it's really not that big of a change.
If you've been in a relationship for 2 YEARS and you can't find it within yourself to step out of your comfort zone for him, then I think you don't deserve him. Like seriously??
Make it work.
Pathetic...
@Dustin_wind@xanga - she's pathetic and she doesn't deserve him? what the hell?
Pictures say all of the words that you can't :) But I'm guessing you wouldn't be open about that either, so I'd say you guys need to compromise. He gives a little and you let go a little.
@ivarahBharavi@xanga - think about it, 2 years and she's running scared at the thought of stepping out of her comfort zone so she can be more open with the sexual aspect of herself.
She's stuck in her own little comfortable world. From what I've read I'm not going to be surprised if he breaks up with her.
your bf should never make you feel uncomfortable.
@Dustin_wind@xanga - if you read it, she did try to do it but she just CAN'T. it's not her fault, she's trying and she's obviously worried about it. you just sound really insensitive when you expect girls to be able to do what you want just to please you. she's not pathetic.
@ivarahBharavi@xanga - It's been 2 years. Enough said. She shouldn't even be complaining about this.
@Dustin_wind@xanga - or maybe her boyfriend shouldn't be complaining about it. of course HE'S okay with it, guys are always okay with sex. you can't tell someone what they should and shouldn't be comfortable with. and she sure as hell doesn't need jerks like you to tell her she's pathetic.
@ivarahBharavi@xanga - Guys are not always okay with sex. Make another sweeping generalization like that, and I'm sure everyone will discredit your so called advice. After a 2 year long relationship, someone should NOT have such a hissyfit when the guy wants more than the normal kiss on the cheek. Did you EVER think that he might be getting just a little impatient?
If she's complaining about his needs like this, then maybe she should dump him. Or you know, she could stop whining and be a little more open. That works too. Once she tries hard enough, it will become a little more comfortable for her.
If you want to keep your guy, always think of things this way: a guy might want to try something. What you won't try, another woman is willing to. So, if you aren't comfortable, and he's very willing, then unless he can understanfd and accept that you aren't that type of girl, the relationships not going to keep on. Period.
IF IT WAS A COUPLE OF MONTHS YOU'VE BEEN DATING I UNDERSTAND YOU WOULDN'T BE COMFORTABLE YET... BUT AFTER 2 YEARS OF DATING SHOULDN'T YOU BE COMFORTABLE BY NOW?!
wow. people on here are getting mean. good grief.
but at the same time two years is a long time to be with someone. i'm a little confused because i feel like this question or questions like these come up way too often. how do you feel comfortable enough to share your body with someone but you can't discuss your sex life ... i just don't understand how you can have it both ways.
@Dustin_wind@xanga - I obviously didn't literally mean that, but guys do want sex when they're in a relationship. she's not throwing a hissyfit about what he wants, she's just worried that she can't give him what he does want. she's making it about herself.
and I never disagreed that 2 years IS a long time and that it makes sense for him to want to do something more, but this was about you saying that she "doesn't deserve him" and that she's pathetic. those are the two things that I disagreed with.
@ivarahBharavi@xanga - My point is she should be comfortable with the idea of being more sexually open. There's no excuse for being like this 2 years into the relationship.
Ohhhh lady...first off, please try and avoid the people who are writing on here only to see their own posting. They aren't a good source to take from. Even if they have some valid points, their delivery is off.
As some people have already said, two years is quite a long time. Granted, I don't know if you've been long distance for two years, or what the deal is...but still...two years = a lot. That's a lot of time to be in a relationship with someone, and, in some people's minds *myself included* it's enough time to get to know your boyfriend pretty well...
He may be getting sexually aggressive because he can't see you, as you suggested in your question...there's some possibility there. However, if you're not comfortable or as sexually open as he is, after two years, you should both be aware of this.
Frankly, I don't think you should compromise yourself in this situation, because his desires for more extreme, long distance "sex" will become more and more...extreme. Also, if you're not comfortable with talking to him like he wants, it doesn't do anything for most men...especially since it's usually pretty obvious. From my experience, guys are turned on by women who are confident in what they're doing...and that includes sexually. If you're awkward or insecure about whatever he's asking you to do, you might as well not do it at all...the level of "sexual excitement" he'll experience probably would be the same if you tried it and were stumbing over your words, or just didn't do it.
If you aren't as open as your man, then the long distance relationship probably won't work out...and I'd suggest either ending it now, or trying to work through it, despite the liklihood that you won't ever be able to completely satisfy him like that, and visa versa.
If you do decide to press on, please know that I don't think that his desires for more graphic or "open minded" forms of sexual expression will get anymore comfortable for you...probably the opposite.
...good luck though. I wish you the best. LDRs are hard, no matter what.
RE: the whole "two years thing", the asker never said that they were sexually active for those two years. Maybe they were young-ish at the start of the relationship and didn't engage in that sort of thing till a lot later. Just sayin', we don't really know the whole story.
@mynameisblueskye@xanga - I agree.
If you're not compatible, you just aren't. It may not be what you want to hear, but it's true.
I think you (just as I think EVERYONE does) belong with someone who is going to make you feel comfortable always.
If he is changing his mind about compatibility, maybe you should rethink it too.
if my s.o. guilt trips me into doing things that I'm not comfortable with after I've tried it, then if I still go along with it just to please him, I'm going to gradually start to resent him and I might do it to make him happy but I won't really be happy. he is molding me into someone that I'm not. I tried going out of my way to please a guy and it left me depressed.
@teacupxgirl@xanga - Good point, that was just what I was wondering. The situation becomes quite different if they'd been abstinent for the entire 2 years and had never done anything sexual vs. if they had been having sex before the relationship became long-distance.
To the OP: if the conflict here is that you're not ready for anything sexual, then just explain that to your BF. I don't believe anyone should be pressured into sex/sexual activity before they're ready. If he's not willing to wait for you to feel comfortable, then this relationship doesn't seem to be working so well.
However, if the problem is simply that dirty talking feels silly/awkward, then I assure you that it gets better with practice! The first few times always feel a little awkward, but it gets better after awhile. Or you can try writing (IM/email) first, and work up to talking. Good luck!
i actually enjoy phone sex...it's awesome. just try it.
man if he is saying u aren't his type b/c u won't have phone sex w/ him then dump him. U shouldn't need to have sex w/ someone (phone or in person) just to keep them or make them happy. They should be happy just to have u to talk to.
You could try a program like skype or some other web cam type thing. You might feel more comfortable if you're actually looking at him and not staring at a wall while on the phone. Who knows, it might come naturally when you're actually looking at your SO. But, if you're not comfortable with any of it ehh. Maybe you two should of discussed your LDR relationship before he ( or you) went away
@Dustin_wind@xanga - I really don't think that's what the matter is here. I think if the guy wants her to talk about sex, and she doesn't feel like talking about sex, and he basically tells her she's not right for him because of it, he's the one who needs to grow up.
@cassferg@xanga - possibly yeah, I can agree with that. He is a bit impatient, as anyone would be after 2 years. So I think it's forgivable. I think the girl just needs to toughen up and try harder.