One of the rules of the "Bro Code" says that any ex of your friends' is off-limits to you. My male friend at college, henceforth referred to as "Dave," explained this to me. So Dave goes on to tell me about all the rules that guys have set up to keep their friendships...well...stable. Dave is annoyed at me for breaking this code, and it's being broken both ways.
On November 23rd, I broke up with my boyfriend of two years, "Charlie," because of various complications. We're both sophomores, at colleges 6 hours apart, and we've been best friends since 7th grade. Obviously the break-up has caused a bit of a rift in that relationship, but we've been hanging out and talking, so besides the inner turmoil, we are cool with each other.
Another friend of ours, "Matt," is 3 years older than us. Since he's been on the outskirts of my life for several years, Matt knows my sister and my mother really well and he's a cool guy. I started talking to him a bit after my break-up, to get a kind of middle-ground, you know? He doesn't go to college, lives in our hometown, and works for a concert audio tech company. Things got complicated when I started seeing in him the things I wanted to see in a person I'd like to date. Charlie and I didn't have a lot in common, and that was one of the problems with our relationship. I like music, the outdoors, and theatre; Charlie likes computers and audio engineering. But Matt's passion for music inspired me; he spoke about it with a reverance that matched my own. And he wants to own a theatre. And he loves camping. We have similar political and religious values and perceptions. It's been a month, and I think this man is, well, almost perfect for me. But you know, in the throes of young love, everyone says that. And we want to be careful.
When I say we, I mean me and Matt. He is feeling the same way towards me, excited but confused at how this could happen so quickly. And he wants to be sensitive to Charlie. He also wants to be sensitive to his ex-girlfriend "Sarah."
Sarah attends the same college as me. In fact, we're friends (for about a year or so now). She chose me to AD the show she's directing. She was really upset when Matt broke up with her 3 months ago. Since then, she's gotten over it, mostly. I don't know a lot of the details of their break-up, but I know Matt had a one-night stand with a friend, a girl he loved a lot, right afterward, which turned out sour. Sarah also started sleeping with another guy. (I don't know how people do it, honestly!)
So, Matt and I started out saying "okay, this will be experimental...see if anything comes of it...see if we can't learn to not like each other." But it's only gotten worse (better?)! Spending time with him is so much fun and I feel as though he really doesn't mind how weird I am, whereas Charlie would disapprove of some of the ways I act. Now, Matt and I have agreed our main goal is to "not have sex" over my winter break. We think it's too intimate and he says that he "likes me too much to mess it up with sex." A cheesy line, yes, but after his last encounter, I can see where he might be afraid of that happening.
Now while I am wallowing in guilt, Matt is trying to convince me that our blossoming "relationship" or whatever you want to call it, is not completely selfish. It's not a rebound. It's not for revenge. It's because we truly have feelings for each other. Matt likes that I'm weird and fun and that I love music, and theatre, and doing crazy child-like things. I like that he has all those qualities and more, that he has ambitions and goals!
I know that a lot of people take it to heart that you don't date a friend's ex, on principle of not wanting to hurt friends. But I have taken responsibility for Charlie's happiness for too long, and I want to be responsible for my own. I have mentioned to Charlie a bit of what is going on, because I don't keep things from him, and he says "I miss you but if you're happy, okay."
But is it really okay? Matt and I are treading dangerous waters, we've become such good friends along the way...but I don't want to lose friends, and neither does he.
We had a similar post a few days ago, but I want to know:
Do you recognize The Bro Code? What would you do in my situation? Am I stuck in the thrill of a new potential SO?
Other thoughts?
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Comments (27)
oooo.... I wouldn't worry so much about your boyfriend, he seems a little disconnected from the issue.
however, the girl your ADing for, that's tricky. especially in the theatre world, if you piss off one person they can ruin your career. so I would talk to her first, see what she thinks about it.
if you like him, and he likes you. and this might turn into an actual serious relationship, then go for it. you can't stop yourself just because of the people involve. just talk to them first about what's going on, and how it was never meant to happen so they'll get hurt.
Be honest and talk to everyone involved. try to respect their feelings and hear them out. hopefully they'll do the same for you.
Hiding it will just lead to drama, because it's bound to come out and you'll look bad if it seems like you were being dishonest.
there are much easier ways to approach this topic than through a xanga entry. hmm, well just by the way this entry is written, it sounds like the decision is already obvious; the bottom line is charlie is going to hurt from this. my advice is to do whatever keeps you happy, but keep it from charlie at all costs.
@UnopenedSuitcases@xanga - Agreed
Everyone will get over it eventually.
If you like Matt, he likes you, and you make each other happy, that should be all that matters.
They guy I'm dating now, was dating a friend of mine and was best friends with my ex.
My ex and that friend of mine, well, they were pissed, but they moved on. And I've never been so happy with dating someone, he's my best friend, lover, etc.
You can't help who you want to be with sometimes, and if you're not cheating on anyone, or demoralizing yourself, then go for it.
If you're happy, do it.
Simple as that. :)
You just have to figure it out for yourself and do what you feel is right for you in the end.
personally i think the "bro code" about not seeing your friend's ex is selfish. I mean, if you really did love the person at one point and you truly are a friend, would you not want these two people to be happy? If things did not work out for you with someone, why should you stop them (and your friend) from being happy if they find that in each other. Just a personal opinion on the issue - i know it's caused me a heck of a lot of drama and i'm often criticized for it but it makes perfect sense to me.
In the end, everyone will end up with who they're supposed to be with.
There shouldn't be a code! You like him, he likes you. People just need to see that, and not be so selfish themselves. If they are upset and thinking it's a rebound or whatever need to realize that it's hard to just ignore feelings.
Things just happen sometimes.
i dont believe in the 'bro code'.. i think its dumb that your potential 'true love' could be with someone else [your friend] at the moment and you have off limits when they break up? its stupid and selfish. i believe you should have a chance with whoever that you have feelings with if they are single.
in your case, i think you should go out with Matt. but maybe you should still consider the exs' cause they still have feelings probably. dont wanna hurt or have grudges towards you right? so maybe you should wait a lil longer.
If you were my female friend and I got dumped and you started seeing the guy I would have terribly negative feelings towards you, and I would probably not keep the friendship. But seeing as this has nothing to do with me- you should do it. Maybe this girl will be more relaxed about the whole situation. Whatever animosity your ex and his friend have for each other is their issue.
The bro code is dumb. One of my best friends was afraid to pursue his current girlfriend for a long time because she was his friend's ex. But they are so perfect together. People who don't know the history just wonder why they didn't hook up sooner.
In case you're wondering, my friend was so worried about offending his "bro" that he actually went and asked the bro permission to date his ex. It all seems ridiculous to me.
Okay. I'm a guy, and I say who gives a flying fuck about some stupid code. It's nonexistant. You're doing this for you. If your friend "Charlie" can't handle that you like "Matt" then he is no friend to you. I have no tolerance for selfish friends.
Only keep those in your life who will keep you in theirs...
giving it time and letting people heal over before you do anything wont hurt. i mean if you guys like each other now you should like each other later right?
Bro code is for immature men who can't stand the fact that their exes are happier with their friend than with them. If you can't be happy for your ex and your best friend finding happiness together, than you're just a negative nancy who needs to do a little maturing (this is also probably the reason why your ex left you in the first place).
bro code, who gives a sh!t!! no one is off-limit...
Pfft, fuck that shit. They need to get over it. I'm dating my ex's friend, well they aren't so much friends now, but that's my ex's problem. He did fuck up after all, so I really couldn't care less that he was offended by the fact that I started dating a friend of his who was also a friend of mine at the time. It was bad enough he was a jerk to me, but then he gets all jealous and pissy when I find happiness in someone else. Too bad for him, I say deal with it.
Do what you want. Things didn't work out for you and your ex or for him and his ex. If they were really your friends, they'd care about your happiness and not be selfish and jealous about something that is over. I think this whole thing is just stupid. "Codes" like this are for selfish people who get jealous over stupid shit.
the bro code can go to hell cuz i wouldnt dear follow that shit, NOBODY is going to make me pass by my true love and that person could be ur true love hey u never know and for someone (man made)to make some bullshit code up is way over the top for me. Nobody is going to stop me from being happy not even my own family so im deffinitly not going to let no friends take over my life NO THANK U!!!!!!
just cause a girl SEEMS like shes over a guy, she probably isn't. i had a similar situation - friend liked my BEST FRIEND who turned out to be my SO...when i told her out of respect, she flipped and got someone to dump OJ over me - girls can be nasty.
Yes I thought there was an exception to that rule in the bro code. Anyway, I think what's past is past so if it happens let it. The past shouldn't matter when you really like someone and they like you back and you both want to explore those feelings.
honestly i think that whole "rules" "code" shit is just that...complete shit.
Its your life. Your decision. Do what YOU want. If you trully believe that this is NOT a rebond for the both of you and you genuinely have feelings for this boy then....GO FOR IT. Life is too short to be worried about silly rules.
Dont pass up an opportunity to experience another relationship that could POSSIBLY work because of some stupid "bro code" that in the REAL WORLD has no substance.
eventually your friend will get over it and she will either decide to not be friends with you or to stay around.
thats her decision too...but to lose a friend over something as stupid as that is dumb. Its selfish...just because I dated them and it didnt work out Im suppose to now tell my friend that she cant try at happiness?? who knows it could really work out for them.
goodluck. I say go for it. One life to live. live it with no regrets.
@Leitey@xanga - HAHAHAAA. nice.
all's fair in love and war?
seriously though, i think this "code" is stupid in circles of friends. if you all hang out and are similar, then of course people will date their friends' exes. in a world this big, you shouldn't discount someone who might be perfect for you just because they are friends with your ex or you are friends with their ex (or both). i say go for it! the people who suggest talking to all parties to try to keep the peace are probably right, though. it can't hurt. and that way, even if it's NOT ok with them, they said it was, so they won't be able to justify getting pissed.
The Bro Code makes sense, but it doesn't account for the fact that people can't help who you love. My all means, ignore the code. It isn't a big deal in the long run.
hmm, i think i'd rather wait it out for a while, see how sarah takes it. for me i'm fine with my friend dating an ex of mine. but that's because i'm over it completely :) she may, or may not be over him :/