I absolutely love my best friend. She and I have been friends since kindergarten, about 19 years, and we have an amazing friendship. Despite being different and polar opposite in some regards (she's conservative, I'm liberal, she's a hardcore Christian, I dislike organized religion) we never let our differences get in the way, and we're always there for one another. There's just one small problem - she is jealous of my relationship with my boyfriend!
I don't mean jealous in a nasty, vindictive sort of way...more of a whining, self pitying way. She doesn't have a boyfriend, and always complains to me that she can't one, and goes on and on about how lucky I am that I have a boyfriend, and he's so loving, and we have such a great relationship, and she'll never have that...blah blah blah.
I've tried very hard to be sympathetic and help her out. She's asked me over and over again why she can't get a boyfriend, but every time I give her advice she comes up with an excuse as to why she can't do what I've suggested! She is a bit overweight and therefore blames her inability to find a boyfriend on her weight and appearance, instead of her lack of experience or refusal to take chances. At the same time, she will criticize me if I wear something semi nice and throw on some make up when we go out somewhere, telling me she thinks make up is silly and pointless. She insists on waiting until marriage to have sex, which I am fully supportive of, but she also doesn't like "too much kissing or touching," and I've suggested to her she may have to get over that to find a boyfriend at her age. Her response was that she shouldn't have to. I've suggested she look for someone at Church, Campus Crusade for Christ, or even a dating website. She tells me that won't work. Then she just continues talking about how she is doomed to be alone forever.
I've run out of advice. I do feel bad that she feels unlovable and doomed to be alone, but I don't know what to tell her when none of my advice or suggestions seems to be good enough. It's irritating to listen to someone tell you over and over that they
can't do something they haven't really
tried to do. Sometimes I think she knows she's being annoying and stops for a while, but then something will happen that reminds her and she'll start up again.
Have you ever been in this situation? If you were, what did you (or would you) say to your friend? Have you ever been on the opposite end of this situation? Is there anything I can say that will work?
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I have been in this situation... then, after my boyfriend dumped me, he went straight to her. Turns out when she told me she was jealous, she meants for real jealous. Like, jealous in the sense that she was into my boyfriend. Yeah, so clear that up just in case.
I would hold back on giving advice and suggestions. Just listen to what she has to say because some people like to vent and she probably needs an ear from a pal. Advice and suggestions are good, but at the end of the day, she has to be the one to put those into practice.
I'd be straight up and tell her she's got to change.
@goodbye__dinah@xanga - haha, no it's definitely not like that
I would ease on the advice and just round up a couple of friends for a girls' night out or girls' night in to take her mind off the matter! Show her that being single is OKAY. I think people need to be fine with themselves before committing in a healthy relationship =]
I haven't been jealous of my friends' bfs because they are usually not cute to me. I'm skinny and don't have a bf, so I derno if weight is the actual problem. I'm not that shy, just have high standards
my advice is for her to be more optimistic and not having a bf isn't the end of the world lol maybe she should hang around the single friends so she can relate to them more.
My best friend is exactly like this too, its completely annoying.
Oh wow, I know people in different situations who act the same way! I give the best advice I can and they always have some counter for it. Don't even want to try to make it better. So I stop giving advice. Then I get harsh. "If you're not going to do something about it, stop complaining!"
You can't really change someone's mind about themselves, it's something they have to realize on their own. She has some major insecurities and to be completely honest, it doesn't sound like she could even handle a relationship. What she might want to do is work on herself before worrying about boys. How can someone love you if you can't love yourself? :/
You sound like a good friend to her though. My advice to you is talk to her about this. It won't be easy, but just let her know how it's making you feel. Good luck (:
I know loads of people like this >< Im hoping they'll get there own boyfriends and grow up
I can't say this would be helpful but if you introduce her to more guys, then probabilistically she might find someone and stop.
She's trying to gain your attention in any way. She felt left out of your relationship with your boyfriend and make sure you know that.
I had a best friend just like that.
Instead of staying nice and shy, she decided to try and take him from me.
Stupid little girl (:
Her life's gone to h*ll now.
Yes! It's probably one of the most annoying things ever. I'm more of a social butterfly, she's a stay at home 'I want to be a mom and have a husband right now and no sex until marriage' girl. I've tried to set her up with guys I know but she acts like such a bitch to them it's no wonder they head for the hills. I've explained to her why they head for the hills and tried to help, but she refuses to just make little changes (like, I dunno, don't be a bitch?) and then she'll get jealous of me because I have friends who like to go out and have insane amounts of fun, but she refuses to come. Or if I hook up with a guy it's all she'll talk about, how I'm this popular person and I'm a guy magnet (I'm really not), and how she'll never be good enough for anyone. It's like, you could be where I am easily, I'm trying to help you, but you don't want it!
Me and her aren't friends anymore, and honestly although I miss her like crazy (it was her who cut contact with me, abruptly, blocking me on facebook and aim and texting me that I wouldn't be able to call anymore, but she was my best friend!!) I guess it's for the best, all that complaining was really annoying :P
@imperfect_still@xanga - See thing is, I don't hook up or go out and party that much. I just have a boyfriend, whom I met in class at college! lol. I don't go out really often or anything, and I mostly keep to myself. I'm pretty much always friends with guys before they end up being my boyfriend...in fact even now that I'm involved most of my friends are still guys! Maybe I find them easier to be friends with cause of stuff like this. My best friend really isn't friends with a lot of guys, so I don't think she quite understands them or can be comfortable and herself with them.
We've been best friends since I was 4 years old and she's the best friend anyone could ever ask for, I just wish she'd chill and stop complaining if she's not even going to try and take my advice! :P
@solidsnake8462@xanga - Hehe...I'm not sure about that...she's really inexperienced and prude, it would take a lot of searching to find a 24 year old guy who would be perfectly ok with just holding hands for a few months. >.>
I know someone I actually think might be perfect for her...but I'm not actually sure he's even interested in dating. I suspect he's asexual. >.>
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - It's definitely NOT weight. Sure, she's heavy, but she's PRETTY! And she's also a total sweetheart. Not to mention, I am also overweight, albeit less so than she, and that is obviously not stopping me from having a boyfriend.
Your advice sounds pretty good - not sure she's going to find the man of her dreams on a sticky dancefloor. Online dating is definitely the way to go for this girl. Agree that weight probably isn't the issue - confidence seems to be more of a barrier. She has to be able to give signals - she doesn't need to change, but if she isn't giving potential mates ANYTHING to go on, it's always going to be a struggle. Good luck...
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
your friend sounds really shy and stubborn
and really you just gotta push her into talking to more guys
hang out in groups or something
and if she doesnt like that then oh well, make her, otherwise she really will live in her own bubble the rest of her life, Alone!
the best way to meet new people is through other people so maybe ask your bf to bring some of his friends and just chill with them and your friend in a group so theres less pressure or awkwardness on her part.
but really shes just gotta do it.
She can make all the excuses she wants but its on her
She has to learn to talk to guys
Well, maybe your friend is like my friend. My friend is in no doubt overweight, and likes boys all the times. She won't take advice (when I told her that this one guy was bad news, she just went on), and she's a Christian. I'm also a Christian, and we both go to a Christian College (a horrible place to be if you're single- basically everyone gets married within a year). She's liked about 20 people since September of 2008. That's probably something your friend hasn't done (I hope!).
She gets jealous of me and my boyfriend- actually, he's one of the first boys she's liked since... last year. She talks the same way your friend does- how great the relaitonship is, how we're going to get married, how she always messes up with getting one, how she wants to get married (within 6 months!.....
She's probably not going to take your advice, so you could do a few things like: end the conversation as quickly as possible, or... be honest and tell her straight up that she isn't taking any of your advices, or you can start hanging out with her only when she's with a bunch of girls. Usually, she won't bring that up.
Oh yes, and this girl isn't confident either. It keeps them from having boyfriends (but you also don't want overconfidence). Try to help her with that. I'm still trying to figure that out from my friend (she's confident on making the moves, but no one likes her so she thinks it's because she's fat... but no, it's her personality). How is your friend's personality? Is she outgoing? When she likes someone, is she like my friend here?
Whoops. I wrote a lot.
I had a friend like that, except she would complain to me about how her boyfriend doesn't do enough for her and doesn't let her meet his family, and how much she envied my relationship with my previous boyfriend. :\ It was annoying as hell. -_-
I think it's best to hold back on the advice for a while. Maybe it'll give your friend an opportunity to figure herself out. That's just my opinion, of course. LOL :)
I'm almost in this exact situation, except the personalities are switched.
Hah, I'm still trying to figure out what to do.
Probably nothing that will actually get the point across without being rude. But, to me, it sounds less like she wants a boyfriend, and more like she is hoping that you will drop yours and hang out with her more again. Or, at least, that you will blow him off more often just to spend time with her, because she's too incapable of getting a boyfriend.
To me, it reads like this: I don't have a boyfriend, I really can't GET a boyfriend; it is just impossible. Therefore, as my friend, you should make more of an effort to spend more time with me than with YOUR boyfriend, because while you're lucky enough to have someone, I have no one. And a good friend would spend more time with me since I am in this situation.
Basically, shooting down your ideas are ideal for her. If she takes them and they work, then she will be in a dilemma, since I doubt she truthfully wants a boyfriend. She would be more happy just having you constantly there if she ever wanted to call or do something together, rather than having to hope you aren't doing something with your boyfriend at the time.
I know people like that. :/
Love isn't something you can give advice on. Someone who shares her views and respects her boundaries will come along some day. Tell her the longer she waits for the right one, the more worthwhile it is. Having a boyfriend just for the sake of having one kinda sucks, and you should let her know that if she wants something real, she has to find a good guy that respects her and treats her well-- and that takes a lot of time and patience.
And also, if she needs to have a boyfriend that badly that it's making her miserable, maybe there is a deeper problem than just being single. I know one of my friends used to be that way, where if she was single for a few days or weeks, she would be upset and just talk about it all the time, saying she would always be alone and never find the right one and whatever. She ended up having chronic depression and some other attachment-related problems that interfered with everything. Now she is single and happy though, because she is being treated. So maybe tell her to talk to her doctor if it is really bad.
Hope this helps some.
xX Ame ~*~ Hana Xx
Sorry if I end up being too offensive to your friend, but shes gotta be bugging the crap out of you. I mean, I get where shes coming from...maybe it sucks to be the only one thats alone but you just gotta get over and enjoy the single life. Sometimes, I just wanna share my happy moments with my friend but she always takes it as a "stuffing it in her face" kinda thing and she tells me to stop talking cause shes jealous. As for her case, she really does have to open up a bit. Its a fact that guys at an older age want physical attention. The only way for her is to probably find a church boy. Or just remind her that being physical doesnt exactly mean being a slut or something like that. Its affection.