I'm only 23, soon to be 24. Still, I've always been the type to hang with the older generation, talking about Billie Holiday or Dusty Springfield or Ella Fitzgerald. They always imparted that old wisdom on me and I like to think I had give them the impression that the new generation is not filled with ne'er do wells and emo sissies. More to the point, I was raised by my father and grandfather in the old fashioned machismo Code, wherein a man's greatest shame is to go back on his word or be disloyal to those who rightfully deserve it.
TO THE PRELUDE. In the past, I was all about the Code. The Code that said that I didn't have to shake hands or even acknowledge my enemies, of which I have a number. The same Code that prohibited me from stealing from my friends, friends of friends, or even strangers, but encouraged the theft or destruction of property belonging to my enemies. The Code that demanded that I not sleep with a woman that was previously involved with a a good friend, of which I have very few, and yet so many missed opportunities. The Code that demands I disown cowardly and junkie family members. The Code which demanded that, right or wrong in principle, I stand by my friends when the ram touched the wall, I.E. shit hit the fan. The Code that demanded that I never disrespect anyone's mothers, since so few sons respect their mothers as we properly should. You have to give your friends and loyal family members the the shirt off your back, the floor of your home, the food that is on your table. and they give you theirs. You have to bail them out of jail, especially if its their first offense. You have to defend your female friends and family members honor if they don't stick up for themselves, even if they object to you committing the deed.
The list goes on and on. For so many years I was the epitome of the Code. My fathers shining star, a living monument to my passed grandfathers Code of Guatemalan Machisomo conduct.
Now, down to the point.
When I remember my college days. Jas was one of the GREAT ONES. Liz was another, but
JAS the bomb
. Beautiful. Sane (not like Liz). She was and is a good person to the heart. She brought/brings a smile to my face with ease, and when she is around me I feel a glow in my heart and mind that felt and smelled of happiness and contentment. We did things in the early days, in the dark corners, but in the end she chose Stewie. Stewie was my loyal friend, through and through. He had proven himself more than any man should have too, because I have few friends and so many hang-arounds. So I gave my blessing, because she had chosen him and The Code demanded it, and they had their wonderful time. They had their wonderful times.
When they broke up, Stewie had asked me what to do, I answered instinctively according to The Code. He Knew I had feeling for her, HE KNEW. But to The Code I stayed true, he wanted to break up with her. I, my usual self, told him the same thing I had always told myself. "There Is No Selfishness In Seeking Your Happiness."And it went down that way. He spoke. She cried, while her friends drank hard liquor and spoke philosophy at my place.
Now, years later, I still communicate with her, telling her in a sly way that I'm almost jealous of her boyfriend. So here I am, left alone on my lonely throne, wondering why I should keep to my code. A code which everyone in my family says I should keep true to. A Code that has brought me so many enemies and so few friends. Outnumbered. Weary. I stand tall and in defiance because I don't know any other way to be. The hoodrats I mess around with don't bring me any closer to the warmth and happiness I found in the embrace of Jas or Liz. Violent defense. Kind-hearted outreach. Prosperity to ones friends, Savage destruction to ones enemies. This is the basic premise of my lifestyle. And no matter what I, or any, may say against it, I have gained prosperity by practicing it.
Tell me Men and Women! I sit here, a hard man sitting on his lonely throne. WHAT CAN I DO? Because I want a beautiful, warm, kind-hearted woman, at my side when I wake. I am no longer, or trying desperately to be, that lone wolf wannabe, down to fight at the drop of a hat, looking cholo with a chip on my shoulder, I used to be a 20 years of age down to fight for the random cause, the slightest offense, the shallowest eye-fuck. Waiting for the drop of the hat! I don't know any other way to be. I honestly don't. Any more of this and I'm bound to be a California Correctional Inmate.
Women. Tell me what I can do?
Men, tell me what I can do?
I was raised to be what I am.
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Comments (9)
if your best friend broke the man code of loyalty, then why do you still have to respect him? there is selfishness in seeking happiness when other peoples' feelings especially your close friend's feelings are at the expense of your selfish happiness.
I meant *his* selfish happiness not your. man code aside, I think people should have mutual respect for everyone and don't cross any lines out of common courtesy and self respect.
I have a code. Its the old code of respect, you give it. If the person gives it back then you keep them around, if not move on. Why fight, is it worth you time and the pain that will follow? Relax, its not worth it. Anybody can be better than the fools that want to chase a bus to the prison. Why destroy others and and their possesions, is it fair when it happens to you? Its all respect, if they want to steal from you let them, you can get another. Be the bitch but when they are dead or in jail your going to be laughing. If you want it bad enough you will get it.
why did your code have any value to you? was the value enough to sustain you? if not why sustain it?
those old rules of 'marriage' based on sex have been forgotten by so many; do they even exist anymore?is the flame of truth worth protecting if it will raze all you are to the ground?
i think you should give up at least part of your code. in place of love. cause while i have a kinda similar code, it doesn't prevent me from love; the reward.you have found that love is greater than any fight, better than any battle. war never dies in the warrior and the war of yore flows through our hopes and dreams eternally. but what we were fighting for, was nothing more, than our needs. now there is a new need, so pursuit (may be spelled 'pursue it').
giving up the code, isn't 'giving in'. but moving on to a new world, full of harsh and strange standards. and if you are strong enough to realize you need a better training regime. you can move on. sounds like the time for sustenance.
one point of advice, sometimes being nervous helps you get the girl. sorta like the first rep in weight lifting.good luck
I think this post was weird in that it focuses on relationships and this 'code' but really, how many enemies do you have? that's kind of a 1940s gangster movie sort of code, my friend. from the girl side of things.
I think as long as you spend your time brooding about Jaz or Liz you are not going to be in a very good place to try to catch the eye of anyone else. I think you need to get back into an activity you may have left by the way, and make an effort to hang out a lot with your friends to feel valued and get your confidence back big time, and also meet more friend of a friend type women. this will help you.
Then if Jaz is meant to be, maybe she will find her way back to you if her boyfriend is someone she's just dating. In the meantime you will really get yourself into a good happy place where its going to be easier to carry conversations with someone new and know that if they don't like you it's their loss.
good luck!
What do you mean when you said you gained prosperity by practicing it [the code]? Why did you uplift the "prosperity" of your forefathers before yourself in the first place? Screw the code! There's only ONE code I stand to, and it's the code of CHANCE. Don't ever let a probability of chance slip you by. In this world, "what are the odds" are just the chances you've failed to take action on. The world is full of JAS and LIZs', it's just a matter of living through honest rejections. It takes a lot of sifting before you find your gold- so get up from that lonely throne and take action now! Better to know now than to spend your whole life wondering.
Dating a friend's ex can ruin your friendship. It sounds like it isn't meant to be, and you need to get over Jas. You won't find anyone better as long as you keep brooding about one you missed out on. And there IS someone better for you. Someone who will respect you and love you for who you are.
Dude, get the fuck over yourself, you’re asking someone to give you the ok and go ahead to do what you feel like is raping your way of life.
It isn't, your grandfather and father after him, raised you to love and feel attracted too the warmth of this women, you got your taste from them. I think it was right not to fight for her, plus it’s in the past, it’s better to not let her be the cause of the loss of friendship, but at this point your friend has let go of her. Trust him to be a grown up.
So here’s your permission, bro’s be for hoe’s except if you love her, then go for it and your friends will love you anyway, that’s what friends do.
I don't get it.