Thursday, 24 December 2009
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Regrets or Lessons?
I try to live without regrets. Seriously. My ex found that to be a never-ending source of annoyance but it's true. Whenever I do something stupid or something bad happens, I try to find the lesson in it even if the lesson is just that I'm a lot stronger than I appear. Well the year's almost over and I've decided to spin my regrets into lessons learned. Here goes.
I stayed with Ian long after he stopped making me happy. I kept hoping that things would get better or things would change. He was a nice guy. Certainly wasn't mean to me. But was he good to me? Not really. He just was. There was no effort no romance no love. It was like I became a friend who he sometimes got to sleep with and only kinda sorta cared about. Then I met Bachelorette Boy and fell too hard too fast for someone who was too stupid. He did make me happy (for a while anyway) there was romance and effort (for a while anyway) and I felt loved (for a while anyway). I overlooked every red flag and continued to try even after it became apparent to everyone that I should stop. It ended badly and for the last few months I've been single and getting over that. I gained (and lost) some weight dealing with the breakup and started a blog to work through everything I've thought and felt. I could regret all of this but instead I decided to turn this into lessons. What did I learn?
1) People won't change. We are who we are and would I want to change? No. I'm happy with who I am and I want to be with someone who is happy with who he is.
2) Nice is different than good. Ian was a nice guy. That doesn't mean he treated me well. He really had no reaction to anything I said or did and made no effort to be a part of my life.
3) Look and pay attention before you leap. I saw the red flags with BB and I jumped in anyway. I mean for crying out loud his ex had a restraining order!!!! There was something there though and I let that something take over my better judgment. Listening to your heart is wonderful but you need to listen to your brain too.
4) A breakup can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Make it your friend. All of this forced me to be single and I haven't been in a while. I was scared at first... but now I think it's wonderful. I've gotten back into a great (and even better) workout routine and this blog is great for venting and getting feedback. It's always great to lean on the positive and not the negative.
5) My best friends will love me forever unconditionally. I have always known this but recently I thought about it and... jeez! This year I put them through complaining about Ian, dealing with my love triangle drama, massive issues with BB and the consequent breakup and what came from it. And all that? Was just this year and was just in regards to romance. When you combine the other 11 years of our friendship... I've put them through a lot and they are saints.
So do you have regrets this year? Or can you find a way to make them lessons learned?
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- From: JanetDart@xanga
- About Me: I've always loved Sex and the City and with recent ridiculous developments in the lives of me and my dear, darling friends I decided it was most definitely time to start blogging. I hope you enjoy laughing at our lives as much as my friends and I do.
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Comments (20)
I will always have one regret. Since every way I look at the situation... It could have been avoided and the person I was going out with at the time would still be here with me together. I know what I did wrong, but it was too little too late at that point.
Even though it doesn't hurt as much, I still regret not acting sooner or I would be loving the holiday seasons instead of dreading them.
So all in all I've learn my lesson for future relationships.
1) People won't change. We are who we are and would I want to change? No.
I feel that everyone has a negative connotation when it comes to "change", especially a person. I'm not saying a person can or cannot change, but why not look at it as improving yourself? Even though Michael Phelps won all those gold medals, I'm pretty sure he thinks he could still be better.
No regrets this year and everything is always a lesson learned.
Don't see the point in regretting something.
Just have fun and do what you do.
your love life sounds like mine xD
I don't think people change suddenly, but they evolve. You learned from your previous experiences and it changed you in certain ways. You evolved and hopefully became a better person. Every person that enters your life comes in for a reason, and every person you have sex with changes your soul a bit. I have learned much in life and continue to learn from every hook up, lover, friend, etc. It's about the journey, and the people you meet on the way make the journey memorable.
great lessons-- I try to do the same since its another opportunity to get better and make better choices in the future. I feel that the best time to think rationally and make good choices is when you have a clear head and for me, its when I'm not attached to the person I am seeing-- because red flags are easier to see. Being single and alone is great-- the more you know about yourself the better.
I disagree with only #1. I believe people can change but only the person in question can change themselves, you cant change people. You can inspire them but that's about it.
I dont have any regrets this year. Aside from all the celebrities I loved dying & me getting sick TWICE & stuff, 2009 was pretty good. I'm looking forward to next year being better than ever!
why is this entry so vague? this is why relationships become so complicated. it's not about being happy or making the other happy. it seems like for you it's more about living up to an application of expectation, and building up to an audition to attempt happyness.
why are the games required? why do you assume you've figured out everything about these boys? why do you get to make up all the rules? how do you know people can't change? thats such an incorrect cliche. people are constantly changing all the time. there simply has to be a drive to change. change requires time and motivation.
what about these guys requires change? have you made your desires clear to these boys? are you really giving these boys the chance they deserve? or is it just you who refuses to compromise?
jumping through hoops also requires motivation. motivation and time. whats the point if you are *always* so quick to just give up this easily? just relax your rules! go with the flow so everyone wins. no one has to go home miserable. it is christmas after all.
i LOVE 2 and 3, but cant agree with the rest of them
"2) Nice is different than good. Ian was a nice guy. That doesn't mean he treated me well. He really had no reaction to anything I said or did and made no effort to be a part of my life."
How can you really tell between the two? How can you tell whether what you want the guy to do is irrational and whether it is them not being good for you? I'm not sure how you can draw the line with this. It makes sense, yes. It's just hard to tell
I guess acknowledgement really is the first step in recovery from anything. Good luck!
I love this post. I broke off a long relationship of over 3 years a little over 1 year ago and I learned a lot of similar things. I learned them in different ways, but the lesson still got through.
I actually agree with #1. My ex tried to change when he got the sense he was losing me. He was good at faking it for a while, but in the end people cannot change their true nature, or hide who they really are forever.
It was a good thing I got out of that relationship, but I don't regret being in it. I learned too much from it, about what I want in a relationship and what is important to me to have in a partner. I also learned a lot about emotional abuse, and how abusers work, and will hopefully be less likely to take that kind of crap from someone in the future. :)
I'm still working through my break up as well...I did it and I'm happy for it, but when you're abused verbally and emotionally for 3 1/2 years it leaves some mental scarring and self esteem issues. My current boyfriend really helps out in that department though.
Good luck working through things. :)
The bad thing about regrets (aside from the obvious) is that they are in the past and you can't change the past.
Having said that, since you can't change what happened, you can only change the action, thought,whatever it was that caused the regret!
I try (and try is a big word) to learn from my mistakes. It don't always work, but, I do give it my best effort.
Merry Christmas!
Yeah you can regret things and still learn and grow from the things that happened. If you did something wrong you can still regret it but also learn the lesson from it. It all depends what it is.
Also yes people can change but only if they themselves want to and see a need to change. And only if they see what they need to improve. I have faith that I can change otherwise I'm going to live a sad life. And I have hope for others around me whom I know need to change.
And its good to be single to really get to know yourself and yes having more time and money is a great thing as well....time to spend with friends, by yourself, doing things you like to do and working out. Especially if you were hindered from doing those things in your relationship. I think you can grow and learn from things you regret.
@Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga - Yes! That is more what I meant. I should have said you can't change a person. Also, you can't believe someone who says "I will change". If that were true it would have been done already.
@TerrorSak@xanga - I don't know that I was vague so much as concise. I do not pretend to know everything about anyone. I also do not play games. I am insanely straightforward. I told Ian multiple times how and when he made me unhappy. I was open and honest and was constantly told "it will get better". I waited for 4 months for things to get better and decided my happiness was more important than his. As for Bachelorette Boy... If you care to know that story it's the first one on my blog. If you've read it you know why I left that one haha
@UnopenedSuitcases@xanga - Well after a year and a half with Ian I noticed that I knew everything about his family, his friends, his life, his house, etc. He probably couldn't even name my best friends if asked to. I also noticed that we spent 90% of the time at his place. I would go above and beyond normal girlfriend expectations and... he wouldn't drive 15 minutes to see me when I was upset about something. He was a nice guy but not a good boyfriend.
@Nightflower_Moonstone@xanga - I was also in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship. It is incredibly hard to recover but I think I've finally stopped believing that I am all the things he said I was. Good luck to you with your recovery and with your new relationship.
@JanetDart@xanga - That's true. Actions speak louder than words. Everyone can talk but not everyone will do what they say. Happy New Year! ^^
@JanetDart@xanga - Thanks! You've made more progress than I have - I still have my moments where I think back to things my ex said and think maybe he was right...especially when someone says something that trigger those feelings. For example, one thing he used to do was call me stupid, so when someone else suggests that, whether in seriousness or in jest, it can sometimes make me want to curl up in a ball and die. I wish there were more resources out there for people dealing with the aftermath of emotional abuse...sometimes it seems like it isn't really taken seriously. Even my mother, who saw how terribly he treated me before I did, thinks it's something I should just be able to "get over."
I can say one thing though - being with someone like that can make you appreciate a truly great boyfriend all the more. :)