Wednesday, 23 December 2009
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"If I Thought You Weren't All That, I Wouldn't Be Dating You Right Now"
This might sound mean at face value, but to me, these wods bring the point home. It seems just telling you how good you look might help, but doesn't really get rid of the situation in full. These are the only words I seem to have when I deal with a woman I like with self-esteem about how she looks or how she is. If I was vain enough to have all of those bad thoughts about you, what would I be doing here?
Men, have you ever had this situation where your woman sometimes complains about her looks, as if she wants to look good for some other man? The thing is she doesn't realize that the man she has chose her for a reason. Because HE thinks you are pretty. Because HE thinks you are interesting. Because HE loves everything that you are. If he didn't, you would still be single.
Look, I'm sure your man isn't exactly Zac Efron, but you know why you like him or why you love him. He will acknowledge that from here to the end of the relationship. If you dont like your weight or whatever, do what makes you feel better. But who else do you want to look good for right now? Are you dating a model on the side or something?
I remember that I had a girlfriend in the past who one day constantly complained of herself, and questioned why I liked her and why I chose her. After a few bits of pointing out her own flaws, I started to question that myself. Plenty of men out there, including me, would want what she has. It's a big world, and the beauty that's on TV is only a crumb of it. Every little flaw about her is what I loved. After she realized how much I really did liked her, despite her flaws, she felt a little better about herself. As should she.
So what if someone else thinks you are fat, or if someone complains about you? That's only afew people. If I didn't like you, I'm sure another man does. But right now, your man likes you, regardless. Maybe even loves you. If your man thought all of that stuff and figured that he couldn't handle you as you are, he wouldn't have gone out with you in the first place. Point blank. So, why do some women still have low self-esteem, even after knowing that somebody likes them exactly as they are? I don't get it.
Thoughts?
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Comments (37)
Fishing for compliments.
Either that, or she expects better of herself. "OMG I'm so fat!" is not her way of saying, I want to impress guys other than you. It's her way of reminding herself to diet or exercise more.
@black_lie@xanga - I think it's the latter. I seriously don't complain about my looks or weight unless I'm trying to encourage myself to be better. And I say it out LOUD in order to get my husband to support me in those kinds of things, too.
I actually don't think that when a girl puts down her own looks she is often looking for compliments. A few might do that, but I think that many girls who say negative things about their looks truly are unhappy with their looks.
As for why a woman would have low self-esteem even after knowing that someone likes them exactly as they are, there could be many reasons. They might have received a lot of criticism from other people, they might not feel that they are society's idea of attractiveness, or perhaps they hear other people getting great compliments about their looks, and the same isn't said about them ever.
@pobrecitaangelita@xanga - Yeah I agree. When I say my thighs are huge and I need to get my weight down, I MEAN IT. No amount of "oh you're small" is going to make me believe otherwise.
It can be either, though. Some people want attention and pity, and they'll take all the compliments they can land after each complaint, but some people actually are just verbalizing their frustrations about their bodies. After all, over 70% of women or some absurd number like that are unhappy about their bodies.
It's irritating, though, in a relationship, especially if your SO specifically says that he/she is too big/small/fat/thin/flat/etc. for you. Then you have to keep on responding that no, they're not, they're attractive. "You're fine the way you are, honey." "No, I wouldn't leave you for someone who looked different."
My ex-boyfriend had an obsession with belittling his penis (it was like...5.2 inches?) and it was understandable until basically every time the topic came around, he'd start bitching and whining that he's not good enough for me.
I can't speak for all the women on here, but I was in a similar situation. There was a guy that was interested in me and I did like him, but didn't think much of it because I thought he was "too good for me". It was a shock to know that he felt the same way because I thought he was way out of my league. As much as I wanted to be with him, I never felt beautiful enough for him which eventually made me put my guard up. No matter what he said, I just didn't feel beautiful. It was just something that I need to work on. Long story short, we never got together because I told him flat out that I need to learn to love myself before letting someone else do it for me. It's also true that there could be many reasons why people have low self-esteem. As for me, I had always been overweight---up until 2 years ago. I lost a lot of the weight and have a little more to go, but I still feel as though there will always be that "Fat Girl" in me. It feels strange to receive compliments because I was used to criticism and insults. It's quite difficult to overcome.
Self esteem comes from within, and no amount of any one person telling them how beautiful they are or how much they love them will change their self perception. It's sad, but it's true. It usually changes with just a click, something inside a person that makes them realize they want to change, and that they want to view themselves in more positive light.
my ex's were like that, would always complain about their weight or their looks or clothes. i could care less about the flaws she had, and if i did, as you said, i wouldnt have been dating her.
just because one person that's been in their life for however many months or maybe a year or more tells them how beautiful they are and all, it doesn't make up for the years and years of criticism that they been through.
I was always real heavy throughout high school, so whenever I liked someone I tried not to let them know. It always happened that they would find out though, and then there was this look they always gave me, like, 'ughhh great, you're disgusting and ugly and now everyone's gonna think I like fat chicks.'
Since then I've lost a lot of weight. There have been two very attractive men who I think honestly were attracted to me, but even if they told me they liked me I couldn't believe that they actually were. The crazy part is is that I do have confidence, I just want to be realistic. These two guys were very attractive, both physically and in terms of charisma and intelligence, and everything I could want in a man. I thought, 'damn, I'm cute but I'm no where near that level!'
I really don't care much about looks in the opposite sex. It's much more about personality for me. Attractive guys just really really intimidate me. If they care enough about their appearance to stay in shape why wouldn't they want their girl to do the same? Plus, I feel like male friends are more judgmental. Like if I were to date an overweight guy, which I'd have no problem doing, my friends would be totally supportive. I feel like for a guy his friends would make fun of him for being a 'chubby chaser' and that he'd be embarrassed of me.
I know I'm gong off topic, but...
Well someone has to complain about those flaws, right? In most relationships, there's always that point where someone is uncomfortable with someone's flaws.
So which one's worse? The low self esteem or the one that just finds out he/she just jumped into more than he/she asked for O.o
It's more out of curiosity that I would ask why a guy chose me or why he decided to pursue me.
My boyfriend couldn't change my low self esteem, but he does make me feel better, as long as there aren't any mirrors around (:
my idea on this? Society tells us we need to be 6 feet tall and 95 pounds, blonde haired and blue eyed. That's why so many women have self esteem issues. Because of society and the media. Period.
Because they don't know how to love themselves, and that's a problem only they can fix, and should have fixed before they ventured out into the dating world.
I understand where you are coming from (I personally have low self-esteem, as have my ex's) I don't understand girls who have everything they could want out of a S.O. and yet still diss on there own looks. I know for me when I am in a relationship (exspecially one that is a strong relationship) I know when the guy is lieing, its all in his eyes. I have never felt more beautiful than when any of my ex's (while dateing) have looked me me in the eyes and told me that to them I was perfect.
On the other hand, what about women who are single? Your post makes me feel like there are a thousand things wrong with me right now because I am single and have been for so long. I get up do my hair and my make up in hopes to catch some guys eyes and possibly there heart and every night go to bed as single as I was when I woke up.
I mostly agree with this. Some girls are down on themselves because of a few rejections when there are plenty of offers out there. But sometimes the girl might be just fishing for compliments.
What I don't agree with is: "Men, have you ever had this situation where your woman sometimes
complains about her looks, as if she wants to look good for some other
man?"
Most of the time, women want to look good for other women.
No one wants me :(
@The_happy_whatever_girl@xanga - I have yet to write something for those who are single. Stick around for that. I'm single too, and I don't have low self-esteem per se, but I could use a little more. The trick to that is to try not to let that rule you. Don't let it matter so much.
Women need to stop being so fucking insecure. This is why I wish I wasn't a lesbian.
They care too much about what men think, but all men want is a good fucking and if they like you they LIKE YOU.
Ugh.
- Kunoichi
@xsteph_ox@xanga - same here haha, but i prefer to think of it as 'no no wants me YET'
Girls don't always want to look nice for you or for anyone in particular. Sometimes you just feel best when you look your best. I know I feel slightly flustered when I'm out and I hate what I'm wearing or feel bloated.
It's not all about you, or men in general.
And it's often not about compliments, but more of a statement. Just kiss her, shake your head, smile, and walk away. Let her do what she wants with her pudge or whatever.
idk i don't think its about you anyone else. i get what you mean it should be enough that you think that of her. but i guess people with low self esteem focus more on the negativity. like hearing that from one person doesn't make it enough for them to believe its true. maybe she does need to look good for other people even other guys. that doesn't mean she loves you any less or cares about any of the other guys. i guess it just means that she needs more reinforcement to believe in herself
you probably do make her feel good about herself though. thats probably one of the reasons she wants to be with you, cos you make her feel special.
i dunno haha this doesn't make much sense sorry
When I think about this, it reminds me of something that I learned in my Early Childhood Education class about coloring books and their negative effects on children.
In the book, it says that children who are given a coloring book to color then asked to draw, lets say a dog, the children will try but feel that they failed because it's not as perfect as the dog in the coloring book.
In a sense, it's the same way with adults, not only women. If we're looking at supermodels and TV actors/actresses our whole life, we're going to feel like "I don't look like that, i must not be beautiful and/or perfect." Because the media gives us the thought that that is what beauty looks like.
Lol, this just made me think of that.
@NANSOO@xanga -
Same thing happened when I lost 93 pounds. I still have a ways to go, but I still feel like the young fat girl who was always put down, criticized, and ridiculed.
a little compliment and flattery never hurts...