So my lovely darling of a best friend came to talk to me earlier and told me about her situation. I won't go into too much detail but enough to get my point across. She was telling me that she is balancing two guys, as in dating both of them and that she wants both of them. She came to me because well I am a master at balancing such things. Except there is a huge difference between the two of us.
I am married, I am poly, so is my wife, I tell my wife and my lover about each other. In the end, the result is simple. Everyone is happy. I don't talk to someone romantically without informing both my lover and my wife. It may sound complicated but it works. My friend, on the other hand, is not the poly type. She's not that open and she has yet to talk to them about the fact that to her they're not in a relationship, they're just dating.
But now she is at a crossroads because she wants to get into a relationship and they both want to. I told her that she needed to discuss this with both of them. Some people are just not meant for an open relationship. There are rules to every relationship, especially an open one. You need to establish them and your boundaries. She looked at me and said that I have no room to talk because being as open as I am I don't quite understand her situation.
So my dear xangans, here's a question for you. Do you believe that different types of relationships involve different personality types? And if so, do you believe that you can change a part of your personality to accommodate your partner?
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Comments (21)
Of course you need different personality to be compatible with different relationships. A closed minded person will not be able to do open COMMITTED relationships.
Definitely. I don't think open relationships work for everyone, especially not the super-possessive or controlling types. But some personalities seem suited for it. Hippies stereotypically come to mind. lol
If you've gone your entire life thinking monogamy is the only possible and acceptable option for you, I doubt there's any chance of that ever changing. (You can try, but I bet it'll end up being very messy and painful for all parties involved.)
However, if you're already a fairly open-minded person, a polyamorous relationship can be successful. Creating rules and boundaries is certainly essential, as you've pointed out. Just don't sacrifice who you are (or your morals) for another person, no matter how much you may like them.
Um so I don't know anything about polygamous relationships, but as far as changing your personality to fit another person's personality, it happens every time you meet someone. Studies show that even through instant message, people adapt their utterances to the type of talkers their friends are - each relationship has its own dynamic.
Also, open relationships don't work for every personality, obviously.
hmm...that gets into dangerous territory when you start asking, "can you change a part of your personality"....
can you? of course! but there will be tons of complications from it: you may resent them, or maybe they won't like the "new you" as much as they thought, or you may be able to change in the short term but not keep it up forever. people can change, and are constantly changing (and growing), but if the change is unnatural or forced, it can be problematic.
to answer your other question, i do believe that different types of relationships involve different personality types. i don't think everyone's cut out for monogamous relationships, but i also don't think everyone's cut out for poly ones. it's about a person-environment fit, or in this case i guess a person-person(-person-person...?)-environment fit
I don't understand why people are happy in open relationships.
@silverlocket_88@xanga - Sometimes it just works that way. I'm a poly in a monogamous relationship, with the option that later down the road, if we find someone we like (or he finds someone for himself, or I find someone for myself), we'll talk about bringing that person into the relationship. It's a completely healthy thing, and you can be truly happy in a poly relationship. It just requires being open and honest, understanding that sometimes you can't give your partner everything they need, and that they may be happier with two. :]
While I don't believe in being poly, I do feel that each situation is different. So, if both guys are comfortable like how your situation is, then it can work out. Each person has a different way of dealing with different scenarios and they won't really know until they go for it. In the end, whether or not it works out, they will know.
of course different relationships require different personalities but when you find the right person, you don't have to act a certain for you to like them. they should already have accepted you the way you are.
yes and yes, but if one is too accomodating, then in my case, I eventually felt used.
@silverlocket_88@xanga - the only time I have ever been in a closed relationship I was not happy. I felt confined and I tried way too hard to get my girlfriend of the time to appreciate me. She did not exactly accept me for who I am.
While being with my wife, we both agree that we would only be together if we can be free in a way. That is why we are happily married and we learn to devote ourselves to each other while we both have other partners as well. It is just an element and not the entirety of our marriage.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - That is why balance is essential in all relationships, it's just that in poly relationships there is just more to balance in certain ways
so you're so open with each other that you wouldn't get angry or jealous if she said the other guy was way better in bed? what if she likes the other guy so much more that she stops being intimate with you and you'd be okay with that? how would you sexually balance things? all the things that she does with the other guy, she is going to do them with you,too, so it is even?? do you expect or even want to hear all the explicit details?
I am going to try to stay objective considering I actually know you and your wife. As you know my situation is that my wife is poly while I do not have a poly mindset as I like to call it. Though I love her so we have an open marriage. I am patient and we have our set boundaries.
Though I admit sometimes I am jealous but I do know that she does love me and that she has a lot of ways in showing me that she loves me and that she cares. Sometimes I wonder how you can be so free willing with your wife.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - sometimes it can be rather complicated but I know she loves me. I talk about my lover with her and she talks about her lover with me. Love is more than just sexual. Though I will admit that I am rather fond of having a sex life with my wife. Her lover fills certain needs that I cannot as my lover does vice versa. I help take care of her lover and my lover helps to take care of my wife.
Sexually, without getting too explicit, I am very versatile. I don't get angry and I don't jealous. And also I am rather fond of hearing certain "tales" about my wife
I am poly as well, sometimes balancing is quite tricky
I don't think everyone can actually be happy in a polygamous relationship. I know my boyfriend would get super angry at me if I ever suggested that I might want to date some other guy in addition to him. But I'm ok with that because I would not be happy if he had another girl in addition to me.
He's the possessive type. He would never be able to adapt to sharing, nor would he want to.
I'm a bit needy. I can share him with his friends and family and have no problem but I would never ever be happy if he was giving the same attention he gives me to another girl. It would bother me.
So what I'm saying is that, some people just wouldn't be happy or want a polygamous relationship, and in the case of my boyfriend and myself, neither of us would like it so it would work.
That said I think it CAN work if BOTH parties are suited to it in their personalities. However, if one person isn't then I don't think it would work. Some people just couldn't be happy sharing and some people just plain wouldn't want to share.
I'm not a commitment freak by any means, but I do like sharing things with someone else. I don't frown on multiple partner couples in the least, but I don't think it's for me. I don't think most people can handle that sort of relationship. People are so complicated as it is, then you start getting into insecurities, and la la la. It can be a craaaazy mess. Lol. So yes, it completely depends on the people involved.
@shadesofillusion@xanga - This is such an interesting topic, thanks for sharing. :)
@My_Imperfect_Words@xanga - my friend was just trying to tell me that she basically wanted to be with both of them and she wanted to change her view on relationships for both of them but in my view, some people are just not meant to be in a poly relationship. personally I am but I still appreciate those who are not.
Yes, people are very complicated indeed.
it's not for everyone, even if you can be openminded. the positives sound like they could be lifealtering in the best kind of way. if it was up to me, i dont think i could handle the negatives (any of the negatives) that would show up without losing it. good luck and be safe =/.
yes, you definitely need a certain type of personality to be okay with an open relationship. you cannot be a jealous person, and you have to be very accepting of other people.
i am too jealous to be able to handle an open relationship. if i'm with somebody, then i want them to be with just me. if they want to be with other people, then that's fine, but then i'm going to end things.
i have nothing against people who are poly. if you can make it work and keep everyone happy, then i say why not? if nobody's getting hurt and you all want to do it, it'd be stupid not to. however, if someone ISN'T okay with a poly relationship, it's pretty much impossible to change their mind completely about it. even if they act okay with it, more than likely, there's a small part in the back of their brain that's hating every moment you're with someone else.
but, like i said, if you can make it work, go for it. i wish your friend the best of luck.