Tuesday, 22 December 2009

  • Experiences That Affect Your Relationship Habits


    When I was younger, I would read those J14 or teen magazines, and cringe at some of the other kid's stories about their parents... splitting up, or divorcing. It really didn't mean much to me (sorry to say) at the time... until one day, my dad walks into my room with a blueberry muffin and chocolate milk, continues to explain that him and my mom will no longer be living together. I'll spare you the details of the major break down and what my mom and dad said afterward, but the point is... it was over.

    I hate to go into psycho babble, create an excuse by putting the blame on them.. but I really think that my parents failed marriage caused me to create this "I wont make the same mistake, I wont give up". Except, it didn't make me more picky with my preferences... it turned my relationship views for the worse, and I was a magnet for the wrong-guy, but wouldn't give up on the relationship. I don't necessarily think this is a right or wrong point of view, but it's a very difficult one to have, especially when you are an emotional person like myself. Especially because relationships with men turned into a much bigger point in my life, when they shouldn't have been.

    How about you guys... Has anything happened in your life that you think had a huge impact on the way you view or act in your relationship?

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Comments (35)

  • laurenmaureen@xanga

    things have happened in a past relationship that affect my most recent one slightly.
    like... i have weird issues with apologizing for stupid stuff. and slight trust issues.
    and i have a tendency to think all guys are after one thing, which is so dead wrong in my new relationship. but he understands. which is incredible.


    gah, stupid exes hahaha.
  • sweet_imperfectionz@xanga

    hah defiantly stupid exes...if it wasn't your parents relationship that tainted your views a little bit it would be one of your own relationships. recognize and don't try to fix to much to fast. eventually i think it all works out for everyone but i think it could be because i whatched defiantly, maybe one to many times.
  • silverlocket_88@xanga

    I know how you feel. I don't believe in marriage anymore since my parents marriage failed ( there were third, fourth and the list is extensive person issue)
    Sure, it is not their fault neither the circumstances but its just sad people don't take their marriage vows seriously anymore.
  • lil_KyungMin@xanga

    Perfect post to relate to. I've been cheated on by 2 girls, but the weird thing is I didn't actually feel so bad. It wasn't painful as long as I thought it would be, but from those 2 relationships I learned not to focus so much on what the person is (both korean in my case), it's more about who that person is. So that gave me something to think about.

  • SFPD_PursuitZ77@xanga

    I never believed in marriage and it took me a long time to open up to dating and all that stuff due to what I witnessed in my childhood with my parents. Long story short my dad and mom are no longer around anymore.
  • imperfect_still@xanga

    My parents stayed together - I honestly think that was worse. To see them fighting constantly, and try to hold them back from each other, I no longer believe in marriage. Partner that with dating the same guy on and off for 3 years, continuously having break ups but being unable to get away from him (and him unable to get away from me), and you have a 5 star unwillingness to even love again.

    I think that's part of the reason why I can be a bit promiscuous, and I wonder if it's also why sex doesn't have to have an emotional basis the way it does for some of my girl friends....
  • Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga

    idk my parents got divorced when i was 21. but i  think it still messed me up. and now i live with my mom and we fight everyday ... and i think i'm starting to treat my bf with the same kind of disrespect that she had for my dad. i don't know what to do :(
  • heavy_lightness@xanga

    My parents divorced when I was 9 (I'm now 22) and like you I have a have to make it work mentality and I always seem to go for the wrong guys. I split-up with someone not that long ago who was totally wrong for me but I couldn't end it because I desperately wanted it to work and wouldn't give up.  I've now realised that I'm looking at things in the entirely wrong way because not all relationships can be saved and it's not that I'm giving up but I'm actually moving on in an attempt to find someone who is right for me. 

  • anonymous

    My parents got divorced when I was 15, while I was in my first relationship.  I struggled with the make-it-work mentality, and I still struggle with it today, 5 years later.  The last boyfriend I had was horrible, boyfriend-wise.  I still can't get over the drive to repair things between us.  It makes it hard to move on, that's for sure.
  • anonymous

    My parents are still together, though my mom taught me that in her eyes, everyone and everything is out to get her. That panic-attack-ness attitude was passed down to me, and has caused me to have low self-confidence and low self-esteem, which causes numerous problems in my relationships. Being too clingy, needy, almost codependent... yeah. Keep getting the guys that are really great, but over time tend to drop their affection, leaving me to beg and plead for it almost. Never been cheated, luckily.

    I am tackling these flaws day by day, though, and they get better with time. I've improved so much since I was 17 (now 23), but still have a ways to go. =)
  • XoAsianBabioX@xanga

    well i was the one to find out about my father's affair, and saw his love letters to and from her. def affected me. 
  • Rachelz_World@xanga

    I would have to say that even though my parents are together and everything it would be past relationships for me. Sometimes it's  trust issues and sometimes after so many relationships I feel guilty for things I did wrong and make sure not to do those again however, like you, I decided I wasn't going to give up i was just going to keep working at things but it was with the wrong guy and I was in the relationship for a lot longer than I should have been and it was hard to get out because I had it in my mind to work things out no matter what.
  • Rachelz_World@xanga

    so just make sure to make sure its the right guy if you do that. a guy who wont throw your past mistakes or parent's mistakes in your face
  • JennyGee@xanga

    oi, yeah.  parents are divorced, dad was abusive...made it difficult to trust.  but i was lucky enough to have an amazing first boyfriend (who i dated through high school and college) who taught me that not all men are deceitful.  i still feel bad sometimes for breaking his heart.  he was an amazing guy, but not for me.

    point being, i think past relationships can affect current relationships POSITIVELY, too!  that boyfriend gave me such high standards and respect for myself, that i assume that's how i should be treated, and it helped me hold out for Prince Charming

    and i think that, no matter what happens, our parents' relationship deeply influences the way we view all romantic relationships
  • HollowTendencies@xanga

    my father was an abusive alcoholic when my parents were together. i find it extremely difficult to become intimately comfortable with a guy. extremely.

    and also my ex-boyfriend pretended to be in love with me for a year and a half. so i think that sort of made it a little difficult to trust any guy as well. 
  • wingedferret@xanga

    The same thing happens to me. My parents divorced over things that i told myself i would never let myself or my future husband do. Sadly, it's had some effect on my relationships that draws me to very, very wrong men. And i still don't give up on them, either!
  • iheartemo26@xanga

    I was in too serious of a relationship at too young of an age. Also, the guy was controlling and crazy. So... for a very long time after we broke up, I wouldn't date anyone for longer than a month. I was so resistant to being defined again as "____'s girlfriend" instead of myself. And I was WAY over-sensitive to anything I might perceive as a guy trying to control me. It took me a long time to get over all of that!
  • anonymous

    i can relate to this topic. food for thought.
  • xica_iris@xanga

    I think it makes sense that you say that it hurt to see your parents split up and break down the image of "love forever".

    I think sometimes parents failed to really talk to us about setting standards and a few basic guidelines on how to tell if fighting for "him" is in vain. Maybe you think "what if they would have strived to find a resolution, rather than just split, then you wouldn't of been so hurt.

    My dad's absence definitely affected my choice in partners. I date older men, like 10yrs older than me, but now I don't blame my dad's absence on that choice. I was able to forgive my father and take the good that my dad has and try to avoid the bad so that I don't allow my separation anxiety tendencies take over when the relationship is going sour.

    I hope you are able to grow in another direction now that you've been able to pin point what hurt your relationship choices.
  • NYPr1ncess@xanga

    @laurenmaureen@xanga - they say that you shouldn't bring old baggage into a new relationship, but it's so much easier said than done! good luck with your new boyfriend, I really hope it wont take you long to just let go of things from your past

    @silverlocket_88@xanga - absolutely! It's rare to hear that a marriage works out now days... and you can't help but ask yourself, wtf??

    @lil_KyungMin@xanga - Im very sorry about that. My ex boyfriend was a pathological lier, and the entire time I thought he was home or at his cousin's house, he was cheating on me. This lasted for 3 years... it played a huge part of what I think about when it comes to cheating. At first, I was devastated, but later on.. I actually had a diff point of view on it. Kudos to you for staying strong!
  • NYPr1ncess@xanga

    @imperfect_still@xanga - there is nothing wrong with a lil promiscuity But i really do hope you will eventually feel more emotional in regards to having sex with someone.. because sex is a beautiful thing but booty calls get old. Hopefully you haven't passed the point where you ARE looking for an emotional/sexual connection with someone... and you just continue to close yourself off because youre still dealing with the impact from your parent's marriage?

    @Mary - oh girl, I hear you! Clingy, co dependent, thats my middle name, and I need constant TLC and affection lol. In fact, cheating on my boyfriend was an attempt to NOT be so clingy and dependent. I wanted to feel like I didn't always need to be with him.. like it would be okay if things didn't work out cos, Look, I have someone else. But it's really great to hear that your working on these personality traits, that I don't think you can call flaws... but if you don't like being clingy or needy, you can work through it.. like you are doing, and be successful with it.

    @XoAsianBabioX@xanga - wow, im really sorry... thank you for sharing that small bit though... Im sure it's not easy to say, and it hasnt been easy to deal with. But I've read your blog, you seem to be pretty damn good for someone with such an experience!

    @Rachelz_World@xanga - yes youre totally right... and it hasn't been just my parents divorce that's had an affect on me, my past relationships have had tremendous effects on me. But really, and Im sure you know this, theres nothing to do except pick up the pieces, move on, and work on yourself. Its difficult to find the "right guy" but, it's deff something Im working on and the progress has been, the "much better than the last" guy. lol
  • hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga

    after reading these comments i have this to ask:  what is worse for the kids - parents who constantly fight and/or are incompatible but stay together or those who divorce? 
  • NYPr1ncess@xanga

    @JennyGee@xanga - wow, congratulations! You have been the first person Ive heard of to be affected positively by a past relationship lol! Its too late for me now, but I can only wish more people can have the luck that you did :)

    @HollowTendencies@xanga - In a way, do you feel that not trusting men has made you stronger? It may be a silly question, because in some way it has to have made you stronger, but some people that Ive known have had an opposite effect.

    @xica_iris@xanga - that is an amazing accomplishment you made! Some people are never able to get themselves up and not put the blame on someone else in situations like that... but you obviously pulled through. And I can't agree more with you. I think that the lack of talk between some parents and their kids, regarding relationships, causes a lot of confusion and unnecessary mistakes made later on. I would like to say that when and if I have children, I want them to know all that I have learned when it comes to relationships. Thank you, I haven't really hit the right path yet, but I do know what I have to look out for in future relationships.
  • NYPr1ncess@xanga

    @hundredsongsinhundreddays@xanga - very difficult to answer.. kids who come from a broken home (i.e. me) might say it wouldve been better if the parents stayed together, but on the other hand, if parents stayed together for the sake of their kids and are clearly miserable together and it shows, the kids would say they would be better off divorced. Personally, I can't stress how important I think it is that before parents become parents, they spend a little more time focused on each other, before they focus on their baby. When you have a child, its no longer solely about you.. and if you divorce, keep it clean... if you decide to stay together for your children's sake, sincerely work on your relationship. Then again, no one is perfect, and you can't help what life brings you. In the end, its a fucked up situation, lol
  • BroadwayBound93@xanga

    I'm not sure.
    I can't put my finger on it, but for some reason, I do not like the idea of relationships.
    I wanted a boyfriend all throughout middle and the beginning of high school.
    Then I realized I'd actually have to hang out with him alone and not look like a fool.
    Plus, I just didn't want to deal with all of the couple-y stuff.
    Most of it probably comes from some hidden insecurities or something, but seriously.
    All of my relationships, platonic or romantic, are just jacked-up.

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