Monday, 21 December 2009
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"I'll Be There for Your Baby, and My Girlfriend's"
I just turned 16 on the 14th of December. Why is that significant? Because I have another year and a half until I graduate high school and I'm pregnant. I'm scared, I'm nervous, and I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. I just found this out a couple days ago.
The worst part, I've told three people, two of my very close friends (one male and two female, we'll call them Sarah & Jermy) and the father (Jessie.) When I told Sarah, she was excited. She offered to babysit if I ever needed it and even said if I didn't want my child she'd adopt her. I declined because she has no ability to take care of a child and I'm not even sure about adoption, but I'm thinking of keeping the baby (I don't believe in abortion). But the very first person I told was Jermy, because I trust him with my life and he knows Jessie.
Distraught over telling the father, Jermy talked me through it and, in Jessie words, he'd "sign it off and let you do what you want." Meaning he'd let me have full custody and choose to have no involvement. After talking, Jessie decided he wasn't all that hesitant to be involved but he would only visit on weekend and would be known as "Uncle Jessie." I quickly turned down this offer. I think it's wrong to lie to the child and tell them that their own father is really their uncle. They deserve to know, right?
In the bottom of my heart, I want Jessie to be involved because this is his child as well, and I hate to believe someone can just abandon their child. When I was discussing my internal conflictions, frustrations, and even fears with Jermy, he told me he wanted to be there for me. I expected that he meant this in a friendly way, but to my surprise, he said he wanted to take on the fatherly responsibilities that Jessie should have. But then he tells me that his girlfriend is late and if she in fact is pregnant that he wouldn't blow me off. Wait... Back up, you got your girlfriend pregnant and you want to take care of my child?
I may be pregnant, but I'm still 16. I'm not looking for a husband or some man to be my baby's daddy. When the time is right I will find someone perfect for both me and my child. Is this thinking process correct? Is it wrong for me to want Jessie to be involved in with his child? And what about Jermy? Do I tell him to take a hike? Do you think his intentions are pure? Any advice?
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About the Author
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- From: elizabethmia_scenoemo@xanga
- Name: Lizzy Beth
- About Me: I just wanna fade away, like so many others, into the background or into the sky.. just away. I don't know if I have an eating disorder, but loosing weight helps me feel good, and I hope you all can support me in that. I'm a writer, poet, and novelist. I draw and music is my life.. to many artist to list. Class of 2011! I'm starting college eairly though, learning auto customizations. in/exterior. may switch to a psychology major though. My dream car is a 1975, candy apple red, black or creame interior, with black skulls on cherry stems on the hood.. 140 mph max speed.. even though I'm into cars I'm still girly. lets toke it up, and supprt the fellow girls.. i like to get stoned [alot] by the way. and I love to help others so don't be afraid to ask for help, support, love, or someone to vent to. I would love for your support in my journey... of loosing
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Comments (94)
uncle jessie! from full house :D
...bleh i'm 16 too. i can't imagine the stuff i'd have to go through if i went to school visibly pregnant.
high school is pretty early for most people to be thinking about marriage. don't be disappointed if you have to have your child alone and single. i'd get an abortion, but more power to you for sticking it out all the way.
his heart is in a good place
wow. I've never gotten pregnant and I'm 22...but I don't know...i'd be weary of a guy who says he will take care of your baby AND his girlfriend's possible pregnancy. Does his girlfriend know about you? I don't know...if I were you I'd feel kinda paranoid of her going psycho. I think, though, that you should stick with Jermy's advice. Jessie's irresponsibility got you pregnant and he knowingly cheated on his girlfriend at the same time..what says he will actually stick around?
Well if he would like to help, I think you should let him. Just make sure he isn't doing these things for a romantic purpose, because that would be a whole other mess. You don't need that right now.
As for the father, there is only so much you can do in order to get him to come around. I think he's really low if he wants to lie to his child, and pretend to be his uncle. Like what the hell? Does this guy think before he speaks? That is so unfair. Telling the child their daddy isn't around, yet he actually is but pretending to be their uncle. How confusing. Tell this guy to saddle up, because it takes two to make a baby. And he had a part in it. He should at least be helping you get all of the supplies and such.
First off this guy Jeremy is probably just horny. When a girl is pregnant she is outputting some pheromones which can turn some guys on pretty hardcore. This guy isn't really thinking, he may have knocked up his own girlfriend and sounds like he wants to create some quasi little family which involves him and two pregnant 16 year old girls. One word "Polygamy". Or so it sounds like that's what is running through his head. He's not thinking about responsibility and raising two kids. He's thinking about sex with two girls.
Just forget about him completely. You shouldn't have even told him first. You should have told the father first.
This guy Jessie sounds like he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to be completely out of the kids life, he wants to be a pseudo father... 'Uncle Jessie" without any of the real responsibilities. Sorry buddy. It doesn't work that way. Either he's there with you, or he's off paying child support.
One thing is for sure you're life is going to change. At 16 you've got a lot ahead of you. Kids are great. I have one myself, but I didn't have him till I was 25. I can't even imagine having him nearly a decade earlier then that. Your brain alone isn't even fully developed until age 21 (hence the reason drinking is illegal before that age). So the idea of having a kid at age 16 is pretty young. But you wouldn't be the first and there was a time in history when 16-18 was probably the average age for having kids. The problem is our society today isn't really set up like that anymore.
Todays society is set up where people really need two incomes to survive and decent jobs at that. Look at the reality of everything.
I think Jermy's oversimplifying the situation. He may have great intentions, but he has no idea what hell taking care of two women's babies would entail. And I doubt his girlfriend would appreciate it.
Jessie does realize that he's going to have to pay child support, right? He can't just be good ol' "Uncle Jessie" who pops in for a short visit every once in a while. You're right to get on his case about this. Since he pretty much started this, he can't just sweep it under the table. If he tries to bail out on you, you can take legal action against him.
In my opinion, you should not give full responsibilities to Jermy, as he is not the biological father, and he also has a girlfriend. It's a sweet offer, but he should not be taking responsibility.
You need to talk to Jessie and make sure he understands that this baby is just as much his as it is yours and you both need to come to an agreement.
Also, I suggest you go tell an adult. A parent, friend's parent, guidance counselor, etc. They can also give you some good advice and help you along the way. AND see a doctor.
Goodluck! (:
Having a baby is not the end of the world it is the beginning of a life you are responsible for. You have 9 months to figure out and plan how to be a mother, student and wonderful girl.
The Signature Of A True Human Is The Smile He/She Brings On The Face Of Others.
LonelyPoet
good luck sweetie!
this sounds like a complicated situation :( the fact that the father doesn't want to be fully involved with his own flesh & blood would drive me crazy. he's responsible for the child as much as you are.
jermy's intentions should be pure, since you have a close relationship (he was the first one you told your story to). but i would want to know if his gf is pregnant first. if she is, then maybe you should suggest that he can help out if he can but don't feel obligated to be there since his gf should be his priority.
Jeremy can always help, but he's not to entitle himself as someone to take full responsibility. That was gentlemanly of him though. Your friend Sarah can help sometimes too.
it's not Jeremy's full responsibility and he is also an underage kid like yourself. What can he really do for you? Plus, if his girlfriend is pregnant, he plans to help raise two kids and take care of them? HE IS LIVING IN A DREAM.
If Jessie doesn't want to help or be there for the baby, he needs to pay support.
Or you could look into adoption, but that's up to you. I couldn't tell someone to give away their child.
Good luck.
xo
first of all, i think that your attitude is great and your thinking process is completely reasonable. i know im just a random person, i just saw your post on datingish and the heading intrigued me because i have a little sister and she just had a baby about 5 months ago @ only 16 and was/still is going through a similar situation. please forgive me if my advice is a little unwarranted. judging by what i read, i think your friend jessies intentions are in your best interest, but he may be biting off more than he can chew in the long run. maybe he has an unrequited crush on u? i would thank him for his offer and help but i dont think it would be wise to set your heart on it completely. if his girlfriend is in fact pregnant he will find out how hard it is to take care of one, let alone two babies! and he might end up feeling bad about not being able to help you in the ways that he'd originally promised.
secondly, i also think that a child needs to know their father. once their old enough to fully understand they will wonder who their father is. even if hes not around a lot, it'll be easier to explain the truth to them but obviously it will need to be explained with a childs perspective in mind. once you start getting further into your pregnancy he might change his mind on that issue. after all, you both are young ( im assuming hes the same age or close to it) and time will make you feel differently about certain things and you'll have a clearer perspective of things. <<mostly speaking of your bd. sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you will make it, and like you said find a man who will take care of you and your child the way you both deserve. good luck girl!
Good luck, you'll need it. I don't have any advice but I just want to say that despite your massive irresponsibility in getting pregnant in the first place (you're going to have some rough times at 16, especially with school and pregnancy), your decision to keep and raise the baby is extremely responsible. You also have college to think about, and a job.
If you don't already have a job, secure one as soon as you can, hun. You're going to need it desperately. After you move out with your kid, handouts from mommy and daddy won't exist.
They say a woman becomes a mother when she gets pregnant, and a man becomes a father when he holds the child. I say this because Jessie may be feeling a bit overwhelmed right now and trying to find an escape. He needs to seriously think about you and your child. No matter what, he IS the father, and that's a reality he needs to come to terms with. He owes that child love whether he likes it or not.
As for Jeremy, I think his reaction was a bit much. He has his own responsibilities and would be way in over his head, no matter how great of a guy he may be. I think his intentions were sweet, but he should put HIS child/ girlfriend first.
Them aside, you have a great mentality about it all. I don't know you, but I think this kid will be just fine (:
@xjadersx@xanga - Agreed.
Lol I'm amazed at how many kids don't believe in adoption or abortion, while simultaneously not believing in birth control.
Don't count on anyone to raise this baby for you. Just because people are excited and making promises doesn't mean they'll come through for you. People get caught up in the glamor of pregnancy but once that puppy comes out and the real work needs to be done, you'll rarely find babysitters or spare father-figures just sitting around waiting to be plucked. Especially if Jeremy's fatherly duties will be required from his own child.
And the father. Oh please, don't be dumb and give him a free ticket right out of his child's life. If he doesn't want to play daddy: CHILD SUPPORT.
Get a job, use your 9 months to figure out where you're going to live and how you're going to handle school. Talk to your parents.
@poetrybox@xanga - Positive feedback---love it.
Okay, I don't mean to be insensitive or rude, but you believe in having premarital sex, but you don't believe in abortion? What about brith control?
You believe in bringing a child into a world where it's parents aren't together, nor have the proper means to take care of it, but you don't believe in sparing the potential child from that, aborting it, and having kids when you're ready and can support it? Lastly, you think you're not ready for a husband or some man to be your baby's daddy, but you're ready to have a baby?
Please think about these questions seriously because I find your reasoning a little distorted.
You will be fine and things will be okay :) It's not wrong that you want the baby's father involved. It is his responsibility--both of your's for the actions you both willingly consented to when you became sexually active with each other. It is too unfortunate that the father is so selfish and not wanting to take responsiblity. However, he is probably just as scared about what will happen to him and his life too. As for your friend who volunteered to be there for you, tell him to take care of his business first. You already know how it feels by not having the father be 100% in it and involved so don't take away from someone else who may be in your shoes. He's very kind for making an offer and by all means, he can be there for you as a friend and be supportive. However, don't let him get into the "rescuer" role. It's very common and natural for our friends, the good ones anyways, to want to jump right in and do everything for us. But, this may not be good in the long run. I'm glad you can see through to this issue and I think you already know what should/should not be done. You are not alone and look into local community resources for assistance. Breathe---you will be okay!
It's not surprising a 16 year old male wouldn't want to be involved with his child. And it's sad that he has no obligation to stay with you or the baby. A guy can easily walk away and never look back, which is wrong, but does happen.
If you aren't ready to have a child, please use protection or abstain from sexual intercourse. It really is as simple as that. I have no children of my own, I'm only 19 and do not want or plan to have any. I have no real advice for you other than what was already stated.
I'm sorry to say, but welcome to the real world.
PS: Just had to post this vid here because it is SO RELEVANT: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRGgWBROuWs&feature=player_embedded
ana and mia will have to leave while you're pregnant. that or the baby could die. it won't be the first thing you'll have to give up. boys will be the least of your problems.
my mother was in your position and so was her biological mother. my mom kept me, hers did not.
you have to do what is best for this new person. if you can't personally give up what is necessary, then you should give up the baby.
i really hope the best for you and your future child.
I respect you for keeping the baby! But you really need to tell parents!!! They might be shocked, they might be a little disappointed in you, but that will quickly pass and hopefully then they'll be able to support you and help you. And you probably should let the father's parents know too. Even if he doesnt want to be involved I'm sure they would like to get to know their grandchild! And maybe theyll knock some sense into their son...
Thats horrible that the father doesnt want involvement. Or that he wants to be "uncle" wtf? Its sad! And I totally understand why you want him to be involved... it is HIS child too, whether he wants to admit it or not. I know a girl that had a baby and told the dad, but he wouldnt claim his child until he got a paternity test saying it was his (even though he was the only guy that girl had ever slept with.) It took him 5 months to come around, but hes finally becoming a father, and a fairly good one! Maybe this guy will come around too... you never know.
I think you reasoning is good though. Dont get desperate for a guy to fill the daddy position if the real dad wont own up. Thats not the right thing to do. One of my friends had a baby at 17 and the dad is hardly ever there. She goes through guys like crazy because shes so desperate to fill the daddy and husband position... and every guy she dates she tries to push into marriage waaaay too early and it scares them off. You'll be fine raising the baby yourself. Its not going to be easy to be a single mother, but it can be done!
Dont be surprised if you lose a social life and your "friends" that are so excited for you start to drift out of your life. They have no understanding of what it takes to have a baby at 16 and they probably wont be there for you like they say they will when the baby actually comes. I'm sorry, but its just what I've seen.
As for that other Jeremy guy, I'd tell him thank you for the encouragement but if his girlfriend is indeed pregnant he needs to focus on her and be there for her and HIS kid. Not that he cant support you and be there for you too, but your kid is not his responsibility. He shouldnt take on more than he can chew.
For you, good luck and I wish you the best! Keep your head up and pray. Thats my best advice!
What the heck? You know how some people have motherlust and they just keep popping out babies or adopting? Sounds like he's the guy version of that =P
@NANSOO@xanga - Thank you very much