Sunday, 20 December 2009

• Why Do Women Stay?

  
  

  Reading "I Learned about Love from my Parents", I too, have wondered why many parents stay together for the children's sake.   More specifically, I've tried to understand why women with children stay in a conflict-ridden marriage.  From a female's point of view, and especially in my country, I think many women in stay for the children's sake or because of the financial difficulties they'll incur if they left their husbands.  To illustrate my point concerning money, I'll refer to another fb note of mine where I discuss the socioeconomic and legal changes surrounding the conceptualization of 'the family' in my country, as has happened elsewhere.

  Until the 1970s in the West (and 1993 in Malta), law related to marriage was founded on four assumptions of the marital contract namely that: the husband is the head of the household; the husband is responsible for economic support; the wife is responsible for domestic service and childcare and the wife would take the husband’s name.

  Today Western family law has adopted a gender-neutral approach that emphasizes gender equality and shared responsibility rather than gender differentiation. 'Husbands and wives are now assigned the same economic functions in family law. They are both considered responsible for their own economic well being, as well as that of their spouse and children. Wives are no longer conceptualized as dependents but as equal to their husbands, and children are regarded, at least in law, as the dependents of both parents' (Eichler, 1997, p.13).
  
  Despite the changes that have occurred, legal conceptualizations of the family alone do not alter social behavior. A cursory look at how many Maltese women are in paid employment and how many men are primary caretakers of their children proves that we still live in a patriarchal society structured on the male-breadwinner model and founded on traditional family setups.  Marriage, in reality, is not practiced on the equal partnership model. Most men 'bring home the bacon' and most women are still mainly responsible for domestic work and childcare. 

  In other countries, various socioeconomic changes have led to a sharp increase in the number of married women who work in paid labour.  This is not the case in Malta.  Here, we have the lowest female labour force participation rate in the EU.  Why is this so?  Maybe women don't want to go out to work? Maybe it suits them to stay at home so it really doesn't 'pay' to go to work? Maybe some men do not want their wives to work? Maybe this is due to traditions and customary norms? Maybe there needs to be more childcare centres? Maybe structures have to change and work has to become more flexible to allow women to manage their work and domestic/childcaring roles better? Maybe more financial incentives have to be given to women? These are just a few of the possible explanations as to why women, either through choice or constraint, do not engage in paid employment to the extent as their European counterparts.
  
  However some married women (as is the norm in other countries), either through necessity or choice, do work outside the home.  Most, however, work in part-time jobs especially if they have dependent children to care for.  Some work fulltime.  In the case of 'the dual-earner household', marriage should truly be a partnership of equals. However numerous studies have shown that this is far from the case - women still do most of the work inside the home irrespective of their work status and this includes most of the 'emotion work'. Whats more, working women still earn much less than men do. The gender pay gap is a phenomenon that can't be ignored. In reality this means that husbands can use the fact that they earn more than their wives to exert more power over them in the matrimonial home. Money is often used as a weapon by men over women. And therefore, this is perhaps what keeps many unhappily married women from filing for a separation (and divorce) from their husbands. The fear of not making ends meet may be too much for women to bear, especially when they have children.
  
  Now what happens when a Maltese working woman decides to leave her husband and they both continue to reside in the matrimonial home until it is sold? Well ironically, since they are equal partners in the eyes of the law, they have to split everything 50/50 including mortgages, bills, other expenses, upkeep of children and so forth. In such a situation, a wife ends up being hit much harder financially than her husband due to her limited and unequal income. So while Maltese family law was intended to make women more at par with men in marriage than ever before, in such cases working wives end with the raw end of the deal. Where is the equality here given the disparity in earnings? In my opinion, when it comes to incurring expenses, the law should consider the earnings of each spouse for feasibility and fairness sake. Each spouse should in turn pay relevant expenses in proportion to his/her respective earnings otherwise women will continue to suffer disproportionately to males.  And boy can I relate to this.  Never before have I felt so poor and financial insecure as I am feeling now, despite the fact that I work in fulltime employment!!!
  
  Such situations make us stop and think about why many Maltese women don't work, why many don't leave their husbands and the financial difficulties they often find themselves in when they do. Such situations make us question if marriage, revolves primarily around money and the financial security it brings with it.  It's no wonder than, that many unhappy wives ponder heavily over the thought and repeatedly ask themselves 'should i stay or should i go?'  For freedom and pursuit of happiness (literally) has a price, and one that many women are not too willing to pay.

  My song post today refers to working women and the emancipation that paid labor should bring with it.  There have been many songs written about work but not that many from a female's perspective.  One that springs to mind is Donna Summer's song She Works hard for the Money.  This song rings so true, especially for those women who work very hard to make ends meet. 

  Why do you think women stay in an unhappy marriage?  And would you agree? 

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