Sunday, 20 December 2009
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Just a Little Bit of History Repeating
Last night my dear friend Nicole came over for some good old fashioned baking and drinking. After finishing off a few bottles of wine Nicole became very upset and began talking about her (now) ex: Alex. Nicole and Alex dated for a few months. Things were going great and Nicole was amazing too him. She would drive an hour to see him all the time. She gave him space when he wanted it and affection when he wanted it. Then after a few months... Alex fell off the planet. Stopped calling. Stopped texting. Stopped e-mailing. Stopped responding to anything that was sent to him. We're pretty sure he just found someone else.
Nicole's last boyfriend? Luke? Same thing. Randomly fell off the planet. Stopped calling. Stopped texting. Stopped e-mailing. Stopped responding to anything that was sent to him. Nicole is convinced she's just doomed to have this pattern repeat on her forever.
Is that true? Are we just doomed to repeat our past relationships? How do you break the cycle?
I have been thinking about this a lot lately as well. My relationships seems have a pattern. Meet a guy, date for a while, treat him really well, don't get treated well in return (or worse - get treated terribly in return) until... I get bored and... (I'm so ashamed to admit this) find someone else and leave this guy for a new one. Then either that relationship fails (i.e. Bachelorette Boy) or I stay with him until once again the pattern repeats and I move on. I left Nick for Ian and I left Ian for Bachelorette Boy. I left my first love for someone and that relationship failed.
I realize the obvious answer seems to be: STOP DOING THAT! But sometimes I think that's easier said than done. I don't claim to be perfect and I realize that this it a terrible pattern... but how do you break the cycle? I'm terrified of getting involved with someone because I don't want to do this to anyone and I definitely don't want to get hurt again. So much to consider. So much could go wrong.
Do you think you repeat your relationship habits or are you smart enough to learn from your mistakes? How do you break your own cycles?
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- From: JanetDart@xanga
- About Me: I've always loved Sex and the City and with recent ridiculous developments in the lives of me and my dear, darling friends I decided it was most definitely time to start blogging. I hope you enjoy laughing at our lives as much as my friends and I do.
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Comments (18)
"If you wan't something you've never had, you hafta do something you've never done. Coz if you keep on doing what you've always done, you're just gonna get what you've always got."
Wow, you know what is absolutely crazy. I was just having a conversation about this an hour ago. But mine was a bit different in some aspects. It all has to do with change. Why does anything have to change in a relationship? In every relationship I have ever had there has been a certain point where everything changes and it's never for the better. Of course the mushy gushy feelings subside after the first couple months of a relationship but emotion is still there and you still like/love each other. Why do we stop trying it's like once that mushy gushy period is over and we already have the person we want with us, we stop trying for them. We don't do the things we used to do that made them happy with us, we don't say the things we used to say that made things seem absolutely wonderful. Everything changes. Why is it that we think we don't have to try for one another anymore? Is the whole world doomed to cheating and never being able to be happy anymore, are we all doomed to not being able to have one honest relationship where we all put in one hundred percent or is it going to be where only one gives a hundred percent like Nicole here. It seems she did everything right and still lost the guy, are we just all to the point where relationships are going to be defined as sessions instead? If I could answer your question I would, but I don't know the answer. Quite frankly I don't think it can be answered with something that doesn't get questioned! Nicole hang in there girl, one day we might get back to the type of love, commitment, and relationships the world once knew.
Latoshia love your way.
date a younger person that will break the cycle. As for Nicole, she need to set her priorities right and see if the guy fits into that. Looks like she is losing guys not because of her problem but because guys can't fit into her priorities. Think neutrally you both will be able to find where things are going wrong. If there is a wrong then there are two sides to that wrong. Fix your part the other side will fix by itself.
The Signature Of A True Human Is The Smile He/She Brings On The Face Of Others.
LonelyPoet
What are the reasons a man might just drop off the earth like that? How about in your friends case?
The guys nicole dates sound like assholes.
my relationship pattern is that I cheat on every guy that things go well with ... working on breaking that habit though with this guy! wish me luck!
I haven't really noticed any patterns in any of my relationships, but I guess, then, I haven't had too many..
I can't really give you any advice, because I don't really know all that's going on (obviously), but yeah, maybe just take a step back, and try to figure out if it IS you. From what I've observed, patterns happen because there's a common thread, and well, in this case, that thread would be you (and Nicole).
lose all your possessions
start at rock bottom.
sorry i watched fight club last nite. i have the urge to do the same thing
@hiddenInside - Too true!!! I think about this all the time and when I was dating my ex boyfriend Ian I asked him once (towards the end) where the romance went. I told him I wanted love and I wanted to be loved and I wanted to be swept off my feet not just the first few months but every month and every day. He said I didn't do romantic things either... but didn't I? I planned his surprise birthday party. I baked him cookies when he was sad. I left work and showed up at his house with ice packs when he hit his head at work at had a concussion.
I truly hope the day comes where things aren't doomed to fizzle and become one-sided.
@BlehhItsTu@xanga - Well Luke dropped off (we later determined) because his friend was cheating on Nicole's friend (his wife) and he felt uncomfortable being in the middle of that. We're pretty sure Alex was dating someone else. Both men were too cowardly to simply tell her they do not wish to see her anymore.
@goblinsinthemirror@xanga - But they never start out sounding like assholes. Jerks are sometimes hard to spot. Your cycle sounds like mine! Good luck!!
It's all about changing and learning from our past relationships. If you find yourself falling into a pattern from previous relationship, quickly make a change.
@JanetDart@xanga - I agree so much! I asked Jacob [my boyfriend now] why he wasn't romantic anymore, he told me that he already had me he saw no need in doing the things he used to do when i'm already his. He said that we are not in a fairytale and that I need to accept that! Of course he always regrets what he says to me after he says it. :/ MEN! I swear. But yeah I hope one day we can get to the solution to all of this and they will understand that they have to work to get us and also work to keep us!
Latoshia love your way.
It is very hard for me to break habits and cycles from past relationships. What is helpful is taking time to myself, reflecting, and writing. You have to realize what went wrong and take huge steps to prevent those things from happening again.
this happened to me a while back with the relationships i was in and i realized that the reason it kept occurring was because 1. the guys i was interested in were all the same type of guys 2. i kept doing the same thing in the relationships and 3. i thought it was the best for me. but now, i decided not to do the same thing and dated different guys from the ones that i'm always attracted to, to break the cycle.
the dilemma is that if you give the guy what they want too quickly then they'll think it is too easy to get what they want and it gets boring, so he might find someone new and harder to get, but if you don't give them what they want and play too hard to get, they'll think you are playing games and get annoyed because they can't really get what they want, so he might find someone less harder to get
or he is just a jerk. balance is key but yup, easier said than done with all these mind games
I'm usually the heartbreaker. I don't know if it is a cycle. it just happens that way
I think people repeat them untl they realize that they have to break them to really get somewhere
"He's Just Not That Into You" is a book I recommend for every woman on this planet, whether they are dating or already married with 3 kids.
hmm, most of my relationships have been really different, but i think it's cuz i date vastly different guys. that makes it hard to develop patterns. but, i am a bit of a commitment-phobe (maybe you are, too? if you keep leaving perfectly good relationships....). ever hear of the book "Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky, and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Fear of Commitment"? It's be Elina Furman (sp?) and is super funny, haha. i gained a lot from it!