Sunday, 20 December 2009
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His Ex's Engagement Ring
My boyfriend and I are 13 years apart, so he has a few life experiences I don't have. One of them is having an ex-fiance. Now, I know the story, I know the pain and I know that he still has the ring. I know that he didn't want to look at it for a long time and now the problem is finding a good price for it. He hasn't been able to find one though. I agree that $100 for a $1000 ring is a rip off.
I haven't made a big deal about the ring because it was about 3ish years ago, he loves me and we've had almost 15 months together :) I never tried looking for it, I swear! When I found it I was looking for glue! I saw the white box behind a piece of paper in his dresser and knew I should just close the door and walk away. So I picked it up and opened it and saw the ring. It was quick. I put it right back where I found it. I can't explain how I feel about actually seeing it but its been 3 days and I'm starting to get kinda bleh about it.
Should I tell him I saw the ring and really start putting the pressure on him to get rid of it? I believe getting rid of it would benefit him also cause it would be a big step in getting rid of the past that hurt him so much.
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- From: kaybaby666@xanga
- Name: Kristen
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Comments (36)
That's got to hurt! I think you need to tell him you found it, then maybe you could help him get rid of it? :)
I think you should only say something if you think it really starts to get in the way of your relationship, as in it bothers you to the point where you can't seem to get over it. Otherwise, I say you leave the self-healing to him.
Just mention you came across it. If I was in your shoes I would want him to get rid of it because its the start of something knew and letting go of the past. Let me know how it goes.
I wouldn't say anything.
If you're really fine with it you'll accept that he'll get rid of it on his own.
He needs to just accept whatever price he can get, and work it out.
He'll feel better for it, but it's something he needs to do without feeling pressure from his current girlfriend.
I don't think it should be a big deal. I doubt he's holding on to it for memories or because he can't let go, like you said yourself, selling a ring for a $100 that you spent over a $1000 on is a crime. I wouldn't read into it any further than that.
Also, do you have anything left over from your past relationships? Maybe nothing as big as a ring, but I think everyone does to a certain extend. It doesn't have to mean anything negative.
I would only bring it up if you want to push him away. One probable reason he likes you is because you don't pressure him about his ex.
I would mention it casually. Sort of like, "Hey so the other day I was looking for glue, and I came across that ring. Were you still planning on selling it?"
You don't have to be accusatory or anything. As you are genuinely curious, just ask him.
I wouldn't mention it... however if it bothers you so much perhaps you can find the right time and casually talk to him about whether or not he wants to depart from it.
Maybe I'm reading too much into this but it seems like him keeping the ring is bothering YOU moreso than him; as if you want him to get rid of it for your sake instead of his. On top of that, you will have to contend with explaining to him how you "accidentally" went through his things to find it.
ummm. he def. needs to get rid of that!!!
I have a very similar situation as you do, my husband of 6 months still has his engagement ring. I wanted him to get rid of it too. Then I realized the ring is not about the memory of the ex, its symbol the hard work and long time saving that he doesn't want to forget.
Well its a man thing, I'm sure that he will agree to get rid of it once he finds the right price.
There's a good website www.idonowidont.com its an auction site for wedding stuff and he will get a much more resonable price.
Just like the comments above, causally bring up the subject when he has nothing to do, and go from there.
this isn't a big deal, i would help him get rid of it, he'll adore you more if you help him out instead of criticizing him for holding onto it.
@chocosunshine@xanga - I was just about to giver her that site. Seems like the way to go to me!
As for telling him...well, if it really bugs you, fess up--because you weren't doing anything wrong!--and talk about it. But only if it bugs you. Otherwise, let it lie. He isn't with her anymore and that's what's important.
-Katie
I think you just have to accept that it's his past, not yours, and from what it sounds like, he's not keeping it for memorabilia's sake. It's a valuable asset- he wants to keep it until he can find a good price. There is no harm in that.
Is he actively trying to sell it? It'd be best for him to get rid of it, because it's not like he'd use the same one on you, plus he'd get some extra holiday cash. Try facebook marketplace, craigs list, or ebay.
When I was with my ex (who was also engaged before me) I asked him what he did with the ring after we had reached a more serious stage in our relationship. If it bothers you that he still has the ring, tell him honestly that it does.
I suggest that you make sure of your motives before asking to get rid of it. Are you really wanting to get rid of it because you want to help him move on? Or are you wanting to get rid of it because it hurts you?
If it's hurting you, I'm gonna suggest you talk to him about the pain. But not about getting rid of it. You can say that "getting rid of it will help you stop hurting" but really? Will it?
My point: It's important to have the right reason to do the right thing. Trust me, when you're doing the right thing with a wrong reason, it's the wrong thing.
I hope this helps, if not, you can send me a private message and I'd love to discuss (argue if you want) this further with you.
Love,
Ritzy
@xXDC_luyouXx - i agree. and hey! you have a new xanga name.
maybe he is thinking about proposing?
Although it would be great that he gets rid of it to move on from the past.. It's also very hard. I have all my ex's things that were given to me. Not a day goes past that I just want to burn them all and stick an m-80 in the ashes.. But something just keeps me from doing so. Like a little voice.
It's hard letting go of something that used to mean something so great. But in all due time it will lift.
Gay guys also give engagement rings to each other? So is he a gay who went straight, or is he bisexual? I'd pressure him to get rid of it, my boyfriend and his ex had promise rings and I don't even like thinking about them, even though I know he's buried his somewhere in his mom's house 6000 miles away.
It's just a ring. It's not his liver or his heart.
I think that would be a totally acceptable conversation to have. Just tell him you accidentally stumbled upon it the other day and curiosity took over and you think it would be a positive step for him to try to get rid of it again. You could volunteer your assistance as well though don't be hurt if he wants to do it on his own
i would be upset too and i would bring that up to him too but i would just non chalantly say it to him and not make a big deal about it.
if you would like him to get rid of the ring, you need to speak to him about it. let him know that you found the ring and that you're sorry about it (it sounds like he didn't want you to see it so he might be a bit upset with you), but it really bothers you that he's keeping it, since it was from a past relationship. be kind about it; approaching him angrily will only make him upset with you. let him know you'll be patient until he gets a good price for the ring, and that you appreciate his efforts.