Saturday, 19 December 2009
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Am I Crazy? Part 2
On my previous post, I established the situation with the girl.
We eventually decided we should talk about this and I wrote her this email:"I think that it's possible we have something going on here. I like you Quynh Anh. I know I feel closer to you due to everything we've shared and talked about in the past months. I'm thinking that maybe we are meant to be. Maybe something could work out between the two of us. The problem between us is the distance right? Distance isn't really that hard of a factor if we find ways around it and I know there's bound to be ways around it. I'm not trying to sway your mind towards one decision or another but I'm just saying what I'm thinking. It's just what I think but the talk gets pretty serious here since we gotta be reallyyyyyyy careful."She replied:"I'll be very honest with you. I feel close to you too, but quite frankly, I am horrible at commitment. I'm such a pessimistic person, I just don't know what's going on. We've only talked online for the past 6 or so months. Sure, we've exchanged personal stories, but, if you think about it, It's SO much easier telling stories to someone online, let alone out of your own state. It's just that... I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm such a horrible person. Yes, I say "I love you," I didn't expect this kind of response from you. I just get scared with the idea of commitment. I've been hurt many times, and I just don't want to go through the same ordeal. I feel very empty, and I don't think anyone can fix it. In fact, I do get quite scared when things start to become serious. I always think to myself, "What if he leaves me? What if I do something stupid?" I don't want to be another "Paige"(Girl I liked before) in your life, so please, don't let me hurt you. It's just, when things get too sad, or too stressful, my mind just shuts down. I stop thinking about it. I don't know what's going on, Khoi. Please help me figure everything out."So I am at a complete lost. Usually I can manage some type of response but now, I'm utterly confused at what to do. Can anyone advice me what to do?
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About the Author
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- From: diCHETdimay@xanga
- Name: Khoi
- About Me: Just a 17 year old trying to live life to the fullest.
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Comments (21)
ahhhh hhh welll. idk. you guys are so young, i never really had a serious relationship so young; so i really dk. but my suggestion would to just have patience, and say that you are willing to wait, and just stay a supportive friend for a while. if you guys continue to stay in touch, and things work out in time, then you'll know. but you might not know all the answers for a long time.
ACTUALLY - i am dating a guy i met when i was 16. we stayed friends throughout my HS years and stayed in touch through college, utilizing aim/myspace and such, though he was always hours away. as soon as i graduated college, it seemed, idk, something happened. it clicked for us, we knew. we had each dated other people in between that time, but with us ... well, i hope it stays different. :)
=\
She doesn't sound like she's ready and she doesn't know what she wants out of it either. Are you not okay with how things are going right now? The point was to let her know how you feel, right?
Dude, I told ya already. SKYPE DAWG! Aight? ...We'll okay, if she's honest about her lack of commitment, then screw that. Like me (in Colorado) and that chick from central valley Cali, it ain't gonna work. Just move on.
I think her fears of commitment are pretty common. If she is really what you want, then show her this is a risk worth taking for the both of you.
I think you gotta let this one go bud,
There's just too many serious factors not working in your favour:S
Firstly the distance; I know you plan on working around it, but the second factor is her inability to commit, meaning she might not be as willing to put in that much effort. And thirdly, she doesn't know what she wants. So you won't be able to make her happy, and you'll only end up getting hurt in the end, from how little you receive in return for all your effort.
her response is confusing. idk why she's asking for your help. >.<
but~ it's obvious she just said no. :T sorry. don't think this is going to work out.
Honestly, it sounds like a BS excuse to me. An excuse that allows her to still lead you on.
DUDE!! Can't help you, you're probably crazy. Just because she share
her stories with you (and vice), it doesn't make her the ones. And just
because you THINK you feel closer, it's probably a false alarm. And
just because you know her past, doesn't mean you know her now; who she
is now is completely different than who she might be in the past.
She's stating when she gets too close to someone she becomes emotionally unstable and will undoubtedly push you away, then reel you back in, which in most cases would cause the person (you) to become thinly spread, then put an end to things. Pull back for a while, listen to her words. The type of person she is holds a similarity to me. I have a self-defeating personality, which she seems to have. Stay by her side, but do not pressure her. Let her kick, scream, and cry, let her test you. If you really think you are meant to be, you have to prove this to her by staying by her side even if being dropped in a cage of starving wolves feels more appealing. That is what love is in it's rawest of forms, a powerful unbreakable bond.
She really is not ready for a relationship. Until she is ready she will give you her heart. But since she's not mature enough to handle a commitment, don't let her hurt you more by scaring her out of your life.
It's good you told her you like her, because that's brave. It's good she was somewhat honest with you by saying she's not going to give you a chance. Stay friends, and I'm sure you'll find the girl that is ready for you!
dont do it bro
@Gorrific@xanga - this.
i'd just stay friends with her. i've been in that situation plenty before. i mean i've never been this weird with my responses, but she probably already knew that you were developing feelings for her, and was hoping that you'd never bring it up, so she wouldn't have to deal with it. she's not ready for a relationship, and she's also brought up "Paige"...there are a few things she's trying to get you to see to dissuade you from pursuing her, at least for the moment. first, that she's "not going to committ," second, that she's "too afraid/hurt to get too close," and third, that she "might still have feelings for someone else." none or any of these could actually be true. I think your best course of action would be to drop the subject entirely, and somehow prove to her that you're perfectly fine with the rejection, and that you're not going to get attached, etc etc. of course, still talk to her and everything, but give it a little while, and start talking about other people, whether or not you're interested in them. something along the lines of, "so there's this girl at school and this happened, so funny omg."
oh yeah..and to respond to this email? you might already have done so, but..just tell her you understand her predicament, and that you're not going to push anything, just wanted to let her know how you felt. say you'll do your best to give her as much support as you can, and that you'd like to continue to nurture the friendship that you two already share. don't say you'll wait for her to come around...that's sort of pushing the subject :P finally, ask her questions about her 'confusion' or whatever. tell her you're willing to talk to her about anything she wants, and that you're open to everything. chances are, she'll give you another blunder of an answer, because she's "confused" (but more so because she's actually not that confused...probably, and work it from there.
anyway..good luck to you! hope everything works out in the end. =)
and, haha, i write a lot.
You be as good a friend as you can be to her. That's the most important thing.
She wants your help, you help her. Ask her what there is that you could do for her. If she's unsure, then the best thing you could do for her is listen.she's not ready. she's just gonna end up hurting you whether intentionally or not. that response of hers sounds so familiar
Hello, this is such a cute little love story. :] Here is my take on it. I don't think that it's the fact that she's not ready, I think she is seriously scared. As she said in her email it is so much easier to tell people stories over the internet! I am the same way. I would never be giving advice to people who are in my face as much as I do people i meet on the net. It's a refreshing way of getting things off your chest to people who don't know you and can't really judge you by anything other then your words because they don't know you! She says she is scared, and I think she really is. Take this as knowing her on a more personal level. She says she has problems with commitment and as you said you are not trying to rush into anything. So remain her friend and show her she can depend on you. Be the best friend first think about being the boyfriend later. That's how great relationships start. I can relate to her, it took my boyfriend I have now two years to get to me because I too have problems with commitment and was scared. We didn't have the distance so he could do things for me that were up close and personal but that doesn't mean anything. If you really want this girl to be yours you will figure out ways to show her that you are the man she needs to be with! Everything will work out how it's supposed to, but the biggest advice I can give to you is this. Remain her friend and show her that she can count on you, that even though she admitted she has flaws that she is still flawless in your eyes. There's nothing that makes us girls want you men more then when you still like us after we admit we have flaws and you still have our back and try for us. :] It makes us want you that much more to be ours. Hope this helps!
Latoshia love you way
Stick with her, bud. That's all I can tell you. Support her and don't remind her that you like her, ever, just keep doing what you were doing, and keep in contact. If she sees what a great guy you are, thats amazing. If she can't, then stop pursuing her and find someone else. You can't move someone like that until they're ready to be moved.
My situation was the same as hers for the entire summer. My ex hurt me and used me, a lot, and I didn't want anyone, didn't want commitment, just needed someone to make me feel wanted without all of the hangups of a relationship. I had met this guy in the spring after my shitty breakup, and he told me right away he liked me. I felt a connection, didn't want anything else but him holding me because it made me feel secure. He just kept comforting me, kept lifting my spirits when I was down, and loved me even though I was scared and hurt. He never pressed the issue, and would drop what he was doing to come get me and hold me and pull me back together when I was upset.
I loved him for that, and still do, and now we're together and everything's so great. I'll never need anyone else. Maybe if you show her that you don't want to press the issue, and you're willing to give it time, she'll see you in a different light.
Stay cool ;3 Whatever happens, keep your head up. Distance is a factor, however, there are ways to communicate other than e-mail. Figure out times to talk and see how that goes.
DON"T PUSH, stick with it ONLY if you TRULY believe it will work.
Don't push- let her figure it out. Let young lady feel safe, as there is no real commitment she has no reason to hide. As there is no push for answers, her mind can be calm and think clearly.
Don't bring this topic up again, talk to her like a fFRIEND who just wants to know how she's doing today (COME FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE) to assess where her head is at to truely understand what is going on is impossible <- do not think you can do this.
If from the different angle you realize that she might not really be interested or that she is but is truly haveing a trust issue with you in particular...then you can move from there.
hopes this helps.
you're not crazy.
and it really is scary to take the step from talking online to meeting in person. i know. i met my husband online. he lived 3000 miles away from me and i flew from east to west coast to meet him. we almost eloped my second day there
: ) ask if she just wants to arrange a visit of some sort as friends. dont jump directly into trying to date or commit to each other.
it is scary though, specially from the female p.o.v. going to meet someone you dont know. give her time.
if she still doesnt want to meet you after awhile, even just as friends, id say you should refocus your attentions elsewhere.
good luck! i wish you the best.
set it and forget it. when she's better at commitment, you'll be in better shape to pursue what's "meant to be."
maybe it's me being a major pessimist, but she sounds like a realist to me. you guys are a LONG distance "hopeful couples" with no "actual" solid connection (couples who actually DATED prior to the distance have problems) except via email and IM's. Yes, it's quite romantic to believe that love conquer all, including distance, but on a realistic level, it's foolhardy.
It would be magical and even endearing to think it could work but both parties have to be quite CERTAIN about the possibility of such a relationship working itself out. You two both have to commit to your "relationship" status without any naysayers at your surrounding areas; friends, people who are your voice of reason, etc, and I doubt any of them would cheer you on blindly because they would like to think it can work out. She's been hurt before, many times even, which means she's going to have trouble with TRUST. And you have to have a foundational TRUST in place before you can believe and mean "I Love You." Again, all very dramatic and heart wrenching, which is prob. the reason why you feel so close to each other.. WORDS TEND TO DO THAT to people. Sharing personal stories and rather than them shunning you for it, when they embrace you, it's a whole level of special magic. HOWEVER, if she's not on board, calls herself pessimistic and has had relationship issues (from what I can see as trust related), then maybe...JUST MAYBE...
you two are just reaching out to actualize a story book fairytale. I'm not saying it won't work for ANYONE. I'm not saying you guys CANT HAVE IT. But it can't be actualized if she's not as committed to you as you are to her and distance, lack of physical contact (comfort n etc) and something concrete to base your "relationship" as somethign REAL can be difficult for her, later straining on you both. *shrug*
LOL so if I ever need an update on your relationship life, I know this is where you will be. That is great. >:D