...how someone is doing. They say you never forget your first love, and I think that it's true. However, you don't often end up with your first love, and that's also okay. The second love is more mature, more whole. And I care about my husband more than anything. But...
I've been curious all this year as to how an ex of mine is doing--he recently got married and is living fairly close to where my husband and I are at. While I will NOT be the psycho-stalker-ex who goes around calling or trying to find someone, I did write a poem for the last assignment of my poetry class. Sometimes you just have to accept the absence of closure. Sometimes the only closure you'll ever be given is to know that it's selfish and the wrong thing to do to try and seek that other person out.
I hope he's the happiest he's ever been.
I hope he loves her more than anything else in the world.
I hope he's surrounded by friends who support them.
I hope he only thinks good things when he remembers me.
Here's the actual poem.
Reflex
About once a week,
I begin typing your number
into my phone and stop
before the call.
It’s like taking a gravel path
to a familiar home on the hill—
your feet remember,
but nobody lives there now.
Yesterday I dreamed this scene:
we all sat around a table
and you introduced me to your wife.
I said, This is my husband
and we ate ice cream
but even the chocolate toppings
and peanuts and strawberries
couldn’t mask the slight sourness
of expired memories.
Today I imagined the squeak and shift
of patent-leather shoes,
and how you must have watched
the air catch her veil, revealing
enraptured hazel eyes,
flecks of desire and adoration
trapped like feathers in their amber.
And you probably took her hand,
pressing your thumb over
your great-grandmother’s ring
to etch the circles of your family’s love
into her skin and yours.
I could delete your number
from my memory,
long since deleted from my phone,
if I could accept
the half-drawn circle,
an unfinished manuscript,
or the promise of perfection
without perfect eyes to see it.
Have you ever felt this way?
True
Comments (32)
No.
Once I'm committed to someone, I don't wonder about others.
That is a beautiful poem. I think about my first love every now and then, but that is because I haven't found a second love. =\
That poem is wonderful. And I love the picture.
Unfortunately, I can't offer any advice on this because I've only had one boyfriend, and we're still together.
My situation is a bit different. I have been with my husband for a total of 7 years. We've been dating for four and married for three. We have a beautiful 3 yr. old daughter together. I've never had a bf before him mainly because my parents were strict and partly because I was shy and didn't know how to approach guys. I first met my husband online and from there we started a long distance relationship. During the course of this relationship, he cheated on me. She was someone who lived much closer to him and he felt as if he wasn't getting the full effect of the relationship being with me...the physical aspect of it at least. He continued dating her for four months all the while I was completely devastated and heartbroken. We promised we would remain friends after the break-up but it didn't really work out that way. I could tell her really cared about her...maybe he loved her too. After their break-up, we began talking again and eventually got back together. Since then, he has not cheated and has remained completely faithful but sometimes I begin to wonder, does he still think about her from time to time? Especially when we're arguing and I can tell he's frustrated with me, does he think about her then? I know it's not wrong for him to think about her especially if she meant something to him and also because she was apart of his life at one point in time. I just wonder...
well thats why i'll never leave my bf he is my first love and i feel like we learned everything with each other, how to kiss, how to touch, i can handle every issue between us everynow and then but i can never ever handle my life without him but as long as u r married then dont play with the fire, u and him are over, u r married and u r married do make a stupid mistake focus on ur future life, ur husband and ur kids ( if you have ) just dont try to take to him or even see him because you need to forget all about him .. i know its hard, but as long as you took broke up and even get married then whats the point !!!
Been there. Still there.
It's curiosity about what life's like without our routines. And it's hope that life is better for the both of us.
I don't see anything wrong with wondering about how someone is doing. He was a large part of your life, and it's natural to worry/wonder about someone you care about. It's not as horrible a thing as people are making it out to be unless you do something rash.
I can totally relate to you right now. I wonder how my ex is doing. I just want chat with him and catch up..
I'm currently engaged to a guy that I love and respect...but I still want to know how my ex is doing.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately.
i've been there and back so many times. there's one particular one person that i sort of screwed up the relationship because of my pride and now he hates me and wants nothing to do with me but i would like to just know how he's doing and tell him how i messed up. hopefully one day i'll run into him and will have that chance to do so.
I will never forget my first love. Ever. She changed my life, as I did hers. I don't still love her, but I deeply deeply care for her and am certainly never going to forget her or block her out of my life.
@jeezshoua@xanga - you and me both...if I'm with someone new my attention is directed towards that person alone. It's hard enough making sure that person is happy, why would I strain myself to see if an ex is happy?
Weird. I can't imagine how you people who wish your ex's well feel. My ex was emotionally abusive, and I've talked to a counselor at my college who told me I should cease all contact with him. He was also a compulsive liar and would emotionally blackmail me throughout our three years together, and I lost my virginity to him when he basically pushed himself into me when he knew that I was still against premarital sex.
I loathe him and I don't wish him happiness. I want him to suffer and to feel as much guilt as he should about the way he treated me.
I do wonder how he is doing, though, although it is different from the kind of wonder you have. I wonder if how bad he feels about our relationship, and I wonder if his life is in shambles now that I've left him.
@jeezshoua@xanga - I agree.
My ex was really rude to me before we broke up..and just yelled and screamed at me on the phone and constant fighting with me. Maybe from time to time something reminds me of a time back then and I wonder if he is still that way..but definitely not to the point that I really care about it. Or who he makes happy in the future or who he might still treat the same. I'm 100% content where I am, and with my fiance - I don't need to, or want to keep thinking of an ex. That would be weird.
I have. Despite that there are really no emotional ties left, I still kind of wonder how he's doing. We've never really been in a relationship, more like an "almost relationship." Perhaps it was because we parted on friendly terms, since we became friends instead of boyfriend and girlfriend, that I sometimes wonder how he's doing.
And I don't think that it's weird or wrong. Once you're out of a relationship with someone, they end up being something like an acquaintance or a friend, there's nothing wrong with thinking of a friend, right?
My current ex was my first love. Her first real love, they don't talk. But I do know she would look at her facebook and it always made me wonder. Now I am in the same boat so I got rid of my facebook and deleted her from everything, except my phone. It's natural to wonder how your ex/first love is doing. It's not a bad thing.
no, I've never written a poem, but I have typed blogs about that person laced with my disgust for him.
I only reference my first love while talking about similar careers-- I don't feel some weird draw to him, or some urge to contact him.
This is one of the most beautiful poems I've read on this topic. Thank you so much for sharing. This is so relevant to me you don't even know. This is exactly how I've been feeling this week. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Thank you again- absolutely beautiful. Definitely a post meant for me- it's sentiments have placed my heart at peace.
I wondered about a past love of mine for years until we reconnected through Facebook. Discovered that she wasn't the person I knew her to be. It also made me realize why she was indeed an ex.
They keep a piece of your heart.
It has been over 4 years and I still remember his phone number, when I can't even remember my own number.
Aw, what a nice poem. I think that's very normal. I always wonder what other people i have met (i guess this isn't exactly what you're saying..) are up to... but then again, it's just the way i am. I become highly curious about other people, probably to check if i'm living normally. XD
But my first love, i am still with, so i can't say i've ever wondered what another 'love' is doing now. What OP says is true i think, you never forget the first love, and it's even truer to say that more often than not, you don't end up with them. I know that if i lost my first love, i would never be able to get over them. Since it was a big thing for me, i doubt that i would ever be able to love in that way ever again.. o.o;
your poem feels to heart-warming or in the sense of a way.
i have always felt, even though i was no longer with the person i've seen, i always would like to know how they're doing. its the way of life i assume. but somehow, not knowing is always better too.
My first love is weird.. because I never actually dated him. We just hung out few times but mostly we just talked for hours end nearly every night on msn for 5years. I've fallen in love with him in grade eight and now it been two years since I'm done grade 12 and I STILL think about him and love him. I do have a boyfriend for over a year and love him as well. I kept trying to deny to myself that I never loved him but every once in a while, especially these days I miss him. We don't talk anymore since I thought it'd be best to get over him, it never worked. It's not lust either as he wasn't exactly a 'looker' nor did I ever thought anything sexual with him. Just plain o' love. I gave up denying it now. It's just such an annoying urge though wondering what could've been. I do love my boyfriend but I can't help but wonder.
Beautiful poem. I believe that you never forget your first love. That can translate to a lot of things--wondering, playing the "what if" game, still being upset about things that happened while you were together, hoping to get back together, trying desperately to avoid the person...everyone deals with the feelings in a different way.
For me, it's just a comfortable feeling. Like any other close friend who's had an impact on me, my first love is someone I won't forget. There were good times and bad times; I'm sure I could remember both if I tried. Because I try to keep negative thoughts, feelings, and energy from bothering me and the lifestyle I've worked to create for myself, I don't allow myself to think of him in a negative way. We had a lot of differences, and that was why it ended. He had negative qualities, but personally, I'd rather remember someone in a positive light, so I choose to do so. He meant a lot to me at the time, and I have nothing but gratitude toward him for that.
I don't really wonder. I don't imagine. I don't play the "what if" game or hate him or love him or feel anything at all, really. I hope that he's as happy in his "new" life as I am in mine. I hope that if our paths ever crossed in the future, we could be kind to one another, say hi, and go on our ways without hostility. I hope he eventually finds happiness and love and all the things that make life so worth living. But do I wonder about him? No. His happiness has nothing to with mine, or with me at all. I don't need to know what he's doing, or whether it makes him happy or not. I believe happiness is within reach for everyone, and I have faith that some day he'll find his. I don't allow curiosity or a flash of a memory to make me start thinking any deeper about it than I need to.
This was beautiful. I also will never forget my first love. While I no longer am in love with him sometimes I wonder how he's doing. I even wonder if we could be friends someday but I don't know if that will ever happen.
I have felt like this, and honestly I have to say that I don't think your over your first.