Wednesday, 16 December 2009
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Guy Friends: How Can You Tell?
I am currently dating my SO for almost 2 years and I have to admit right now, I flirt...a lot.
I never do it to try to get with anyone else, I just flirt. It's in my nature. Sometimes I just like the attention I get...?
*clears throat*
Anyway...
So, there is a friend of mine who's pretty close to me now. He's part of my big group of friends and over this past year, we had gotten to be pretty close to the point that I may talk to him everyday or every other day.
I don't have any feelings for him or anything at all, but sometimes I find myself flirting with him when we're together in a group (we've never actually hung out alone, so I couldn't tell you how we were when no one is around).
Recently, a friend of mine had developed a little bit of a crush on him, but she's dating this other guy for about 2.5 years or so (they were going through some problems at the time which is why I think she developed the crush, but another story for another day). I asked this guy friend if he felt about her like that, and he said no that he could never let himself feel like that about a friend and especially one who's in a relationship already.
I let the situation go.
But now, sometimes I find him flirting back with me, and the last time we all hung out in a big group, he was near me a lot and would tackle me a few times. Also, that night we all went out to hookah and I could have sworn on anything that he kept staring at me from where he was sitting (we were not near each other but we were facing each other from across the table). Granted, it was dark and I admit that it could all have been in my head, but I don't feel for him in that way so, I have no idea. I remember what he said about my friend, and not liking people in relationships, but is it actually true?
I was basically just wondering, how do you know when a guy friend might be developing feelings for you? I want to know because then I will know to consciously avoid flirting when it comes to him. I don't want to give him the wrong impression or anything.
Are there any signs I should look for the next time we hang out? I know straight up asking won't get me anywhere because he knows I'm involved, but is there any way to get him to "tell" me?
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About the Author
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- From: MasterCheerios@xanga
- Name: Alyssa
- About Me: Born and rasied New Yorker. Realistically cynical and a skeptic at heart. I've got my opinions and you've got yours, now let's talk them out like rational humans, please?
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Comments (26)
If you're not ugly, and he's not gay, then he definitely wants to boink you.
haha to the first comment.
i flirt when im taken too.
Why is it that it's so easy for you to say that you can flirt all in good fun without developing feelings for someone, but the idea that a guy could do the same thing with you doesn't seem to cross your mind?
In any case, if you decide to ignore the issue for now and go on in the same way... the good thing is that if he ever accuses you of leading him on you'll have plausible deniability based on his assertion that he's not into girls who are in relationships. On the other hand, it might be good to just be clear with him and get everything out in the open, or if that would be too awkward, have a trusted friend do some investigative work.
@coolmonkey@xanga - From a female's perspective: if you're attractive to her and available, she will be interested at some point in time.
hey, i'm just like you!
but honestly, if you have no intentions of dating him, and he says that he has no intentions for girls who have bfs already then no worries. i wouldn't even bother caring unless it became really obvious that he liked me. but this isn't the case. haha.
If you haven't hung out with him without the group, you aren't as close as you're letting yourself believe.
even though he say he doesn't do that, we all know that sometimes, shit happens and you can't control feelings. best way to fix? wait a few more times and feel him out and see if he seems like he likes you or not. if anything make it clear to him and talk to him about it
why do you even want to know if he likes you, you're already in a relationship?
@mewithoutu77@xanga - so she will consciously try to not flirt with him and lead him on
@twilight_driver@xanga - the reason why was more out of lack of opportunity rather than intention. I go to school out of state and so anytime i come home everyone wants to get together as a group and if u hang out with someone without inviting other people, they get upset or think weird things ><
@mewithoutu77@xanga - because alot of drama comes with guy friends that like you -_- and because she probably wants to stay friends. i think shes aware that shes in a relationship too. she has a right to want to know.
@iiinfinitesimal@xanga - @thisxemergencyx@xanga - what good is going to come from asking him if he likes her or not? if he does, he's not going to be honest with her because she's not going to return that feeling back to him. plus, he's not going to want her to stop flirting with him. i don't really see any good coming out when she asked. i've been there, and have lost in the situation. but maybe that's just me.
You are in denial!! You just don't want to admit it. You've been in a relationship for 2 years. You find your co-worker some what attractive and a tad bit interesting. He already shut down your friend and you don't want to be the next victim. It's okay, from the looks of things he might like you to. I say make a move on him.
@CapsizedHearts@xanga - Me too, but for no reason other than it's just normal heh.
@mewithoutu77@xanga - Naw you're right it won't do any good. Best case scenario he says yes he likes her, then they have to part ways because she won't want to cheat or put her bf in an awkward situation.
I'm pretty sure when a guy tackles you, he probably likes you. Unless you tackled him first or started it by punching/kicking/tripping him.
Don't read too much into it. He already said he wouldn't go for someone already in a relationship, so odds are slim. Plus, if you don't want to date him, it's not a big deal anyways.
even if you have no idea if he likes you or not, I don't quite understand why it's such a big deal to put on this blog. JUST DON"T FLIRT back with him. You don't need to analyze and verify anything. I know you don't want to lead him on and just want to be his friend, but honestly why must you know how he feels? You should just follow your instincts and actively try not to flirt with him. It'll be better for YOUR relationship and you won't risk your friendship. It's a win-win decision. You don't want your friendship to be based on flirtacious behavior anyways....
Honest, honest? We flirt like that too, but we always make sure to slip something in from time to time so they remember we aren't available, "ah, so my boy texted me this great joke the other day" "ugh look at the weather, me and boy are supposed to have a date tomorrow" get it?
We have a few guy friends who really like us, we just make sure that they know, that we're not interested in them like that. If they seem like they're coming on too strong we set a boundary, if they aren't there quite yet we brush it off like we don't notice or don't care.It was my understanding that you don't have any feelings for him.. So, I wonder why you would even want to know if he likes you or not? And. you are taken at the moment.
christy
@mewithoutu77@xanga - i don't know. i'm just saying that's probably why she wanted to know
I think that since you're worried about it enough to think about it so much, and to make an entire post on it, that the safest thing for you to do is just stop flirting with him. Consciously avoid doing it, because I do think something might be going on with the way he feels about you, and flirting with him will just lead him on. :/ And that's not a very nice thing to do to a friend, right?
Also, I wouldn't trust anyone that says they could never "let" themselves feel something. You don't allow or disallow yourself to feel something. You either feel it or you don't. Its just your actions that determine what you do about it or the type of person you are, you know? So, I think its entirely likely that he has found himself in a situation where he's interested in you, even though you are involved.
Also, just throwing this out there, but he might have made that comment about not allowing himself to feel that way about a girl that is in a relationship just to avoid having to give another reason for not wanting to date her, when the real reason might have been that he was actually interested in you. :/
Who knows?
Either way, I think the safest thing for you to do is just consciously avoid flirting with him, so as not to lead him on in case. That way, it just avoids a lot of messy, bad stuff that may end up forever changing the friendship in a not-so-good way or even severing the friendship. And from what it sounds, you want to avoid that. :)
gahhh, u ppl and your mind games. if you're not interested in him, then stop flirting with him. just stop.
@twilight_driver@xanga - well said
i was in this kind of situation, but I was that guy. I found myself crushing and she was mega flirty and we hung out alone a lot, so I decided to cut the contact little by little until I found a girl. that didn't like me :[
@mewithoutu77@xanga - yea, it wont do any good youre right about that. but it happened to me too and id want to know rather than having him act all weird about everything especially if i have a boyfriend..
OH LOL i'm JUST like that :P Here is a fool proof plan...PLEAD INNOCENT! Just flirt as you always do, and if he ends up liking you, just tell him that your not interested and sorry if he thought you were leading him on, it's just who you are. But make sure you flirt equally. I mean i flirt with girls just as much as a flirt with guys, and freshman as much as seniors. The freshman tend to always read into it xD even though they KNOW i have the sexiest hottest man ever who would kick their asses and i'm WAY to old for them :P the seniors pretty much know me though...but yeah pleading innocence always works ;)
Flirt but don't get trap in "I like you but not in love with you" kind of relationship