Wednesday, 16 December 2009

• I'm Not An Expert By Any Means

  I'm still trying to figure this whole thing out. But what does a relationship need in order to be successful?

  
  

  #1. Trust.
  Above all else, a relationship needs trust. Trust is the foundation for every other important piece of a relationship. You have to be able to trust someone with every bit of you. You should be able to trust them with your past, present, future, weaknesses, wants, needs, hopes, dreams, fantasies... (yes, all of them.)

  #2. Communication.
  You should be able to tell them anything. Absolutely anything. If you're uncomfortable talking to them about something, understandable. But regardless of how uncomfortable you feel; you should still be able to do it, and you should have enough trust (there goes that again) that they'll accept it, and listen to you, support you no matter what. You need to communicate in order for someone to know what you expect, what you need from them. Majority of fights occur because one party did not know or understand what the other party's expectations were. If you clearly spell it out to someone what you need from them, it's kind of hard for them to mess it up. It's VERY irritating for someone to be angry at the other, and they say "what did I do" and get the response, "you KNOW what you did!" it's like dude... if they're asking what they did, they clearly don't know, and can't make it better until you tell them. This is the most immature response possible... communication is key.
  

  #3. Time.
  I guess this actually should come first, because relationships do not begin unless you take the time to build trust and learn about one another. Taking the time to learn about one another and know about each other is really the only way a relationship is possible. As well, if when in a relationship you don't have/ take the time to talk/ be with one another, then what are you doing? What's the point... where's the dedication?

  #4. which brings me to- Commitment and Dedication.
  Relationships take time, commitment, and dedication. If you are not wholly dedicated to making something work, you will not commit to it, it will fail. Simple.

  #5. Appreciation, Understanding and Acceptance.
  I had separate categories for these but they all kind of blend together. Appreciation, I think, is how you come to be dedicated. You have to appreciate someone before you can be with them. Inside and out; appreciate, embrace and Accept everything that they are, good and bad. I've seen (and actually more or less participated in) many relationships where people like each other...  for the most part. This simply does not work

  When you like someone for the most part you tend to think, "well, maybe they'll change what I don't like, to be better for me." Which is selfish, first of all. You cannot expect someone to change because you want them to. I believe that as soon as people start trying to make others change, things go downhill... maybe they will change for you, but when they're around other people? They'll probably be the same as they ever were. This leads to dissatisfaction and trust issues. What happens when you truly embrace and accept someones qualities in the first place, is generally that you will help to bring out those good qualities, and help the person to see where they may fall short, and improve on the not-so-good. There are things about certain people that are just in their nature that they can't really change, you need to make an effort to understand why they are the way they are, and accept it. If this can't be understood and the person is expected to change their behavior, they won't feel like you wholly love them. Only the most understanding of people can have truly unconditional love.

  But what is unconditional love? I believe you are capable of loving someone unconditionally when you've gotten to the point where you understand them so well that you know for sure they could never do anything in their life that you would disapprove of, or wouldn't be capable of understanding. It's all about understanding the person, how they think, their personality, etc., and being able to understand why they are the way they are, why they do the things they do, and accept it. Long explanation.

  #7. Responsibility and initiative.
  Yeah. Responsibility. In what aspect of life doesn't that word come up? If you tell someone you love them, you have taken the responsibility upon yourself to take the initiative to make damn sure that they know you love them and why, always. Let it be clear that this responsibility can only be placed on you by yourself... no one can make you love them. You decide to love someone; you decide to make sure they know it; you assign yourself that responsibility.

  #8. A desire to care.
  This may be entirely wrong. I've come to think of love to exist when you get to the point with someone where you know them so well, and appreciate every bit of them so much, that you have a desire to care for them. You want to be their happiness, you want to help them in every aspect of life where they are faltering. You would do anything (within reason) to help them avoid pain, and you would most certainly never inflict it on them yourself. You have to find this person worthy of taking care of. It's hard enough to take care of yourself... you have to find them so beneficial to your life that you would do anything to care for them and keep them around.

  #9. Priorities
  This goes along with understanding and communication. For a relationship to be successful, priorities must be in order, especially at a young age. Both parties must understand and know the important things in each others lives, and that those things may sometimes have to come between them. Things like school, work, or family should always be more important than your significant other, and your significant other should understand that. Other way around, you need to know when to place your significant other as a priority (play video games for half an hour starting at 9 or call your girlfriend at 9 like she asked you to? Priorities.) Though, I feel that this only generally applies to young relationships.

  #10. Selflessness.- "adj. Having, exhibiting, or motivated by no concern for oneself; unselfish"
  Sometimes you have to make sacrifices and put the other person's needs before your own, and not expect reparations or repayment. Though let us not forget that vice versa, sometimes you need to put your own needs first; it's a delicate balancing act.

  #11. Patience.
  Relationships require evolved patience. I have learned more patience than I thought I could ever have. You must be patient when things don't go the way you plan; you must be patient when things go wrong, and you must be willing to take the time to understand and fix problems. (Oh hey. Time and understanding again.)

  #12. Comfort.
  I guess this goes more with trust. You must be wholly and entirely comfortable with someone to enjoy their company. Both mentally and physically. if you are not physically comfortable around someone or vice versa then you do not each truly love every part of the other. As much as people say it's only personality that matters, if you don't love the way someone looks, you don't wholly love them. Even if looks aren't who you are, they are still a part of you.

  #13. Integration.
  Maybe this isn't the best word for what I'm going to try to explain. I read a blog entry a while ago, and it really made me think. This quote made so much sense to me- "However, when you take the time to discover her for everything she is and find her intentions, it’s about letting her change you into the man you were always meant to be and allowing yourself to need her in order to become more than who you are."

  Except I'd like to apply it universally. When two people take the effort to become so close, they almost partially integrate their personalities and souls into one... the right person will turn you into the person you were meant to be. Maybe upon meeting them you don't love yourself, or dislike some of your qualities, but when someone else can honestly and truly love, appreciate, approve of, everything that makes you, you- it makes you accept yourself and see what your greatest potential could be. it's a hard concept to explain and I'm not doing well at it, but as a concept, I like it very much.

  #14. Happiness.
  I believe above all else a relationship will only succeed if you truly make one another happy. There is no way to have a flawless relationship. There will be disagreements. There will be sad times... there will be anger. But as long as you've found someone who makes you truly happier than you've ever known, it's worth it. There should always be more happiness than bad feelings. Apply it mathematically; if you spend more days of the week angry at your loved one than happy with them, your relationship probably isn't going well.

  So. Agreements? Disagreements? Add your own?

  As a side note, I'd like to mention that intimacy and sexuality are a big part of any healthy relationship, and I feel like they can only truly be appreciated and experienced to their full potential when two people are this fully entwined with one another's beings... however, intimate/sexual relationships are a whole other lengthy topic, from which I'll refrain expressing opinion and discussing on the interwebs. I like to keep those things to myself :)

  • 4:01 PM
  • 1567 Views
  • 38 eProps
  • 26 Comments