Tuesday, 15 December 2009
I've learned from the experience so that's why I'm sharing it with you all.
So a few months ago; I was with someone, whom I didn't know too well. It happened so fast.. I don't really know what happened. From her telling me she loved me, to planning marriage? I got scared.
Was somebody really feeling me like this? It's a scary feeling. I'm not talking months, this was like weeks into us talking. So I'm just wondering, "is this girl serious" (by the way she's a few months older then me). I didn't understand her immediate attachment. I was very interested in her, and I showed that in text messages. The devotion I had to her in the beginning (because I believe in giving a relationship my all, or at least most if I'm really interested). But that faded; which was strange because my persistence wasn't wasted.
I took advantage of her emotions and threw certain things in her face. I've had a ex (that I wanted to make amends with).
I hate having negative emotions over a person I'm going to see on a regular basis. So when I told her about it, I lied to her right away (not that I knew I did; I had no reason. Well actually I did). I was trying to keep the window of opportunity open, so if it didn't work out with her, I'd always have the "side chick" (in this case, it was my ex before her).
Strike 1: I played her for a fool.
A female friend (I tried to get with her but that didn't work out. We're better off as friends anyway). But I didn't realize that until we broke up (ironic right?). So I would text this friend, because that's what I usually did but she had a problem. But instead of actually respecting her wishes (mind you I had already lied to her), I made it worse. My resistance towards it was another red flag. While I knew my intentions were sincere, she didn't. And that's where the insecurity came in...
Strike 2: I didn't respect her wishes.
So I've messed up enough as is right? I should have been thrown to the curb, but she didn't! Why? because I guess she really cared. But I didn't make it any better (when I could have.)
Strike 3: I hit her (once.)
I'll say once because this wasn't the only time... Why did I do it? because I knew I could get away with it. I wasn't even mad at her. Even reliving this makes me feel like the worse person, because I'm not like that at all. Remember, I was taking advantage of her. It wasn't right and I know karma bit me in the ass after we broke up.
The break up was terrible... however; I knew I had to get away from her for a while to clear my head. I dealt with her for as long as I did because I hated my situation at home (while I was working on it while I was with her, it wasn't at the pace I wanted). So the breakup did 2 things. I went back to square one and took time to think about the entire relationship and instead of blaming her for being flat out insecure; I admitted to myself. My situation didn't matter because the relationship made me feel the lowest of the low, so whatever shit I was getting away from didn't matter. But it did get better in time, seeing as I do have goals in mind and a mean to achieve them.
I've never been the one to want to be friends with an ex, but she really didn't deserve that shit...
I feel this confession will allow me to move on from that experience, and maybe put her mind at least instead of her thinking I'm crazy because I'm far from it.
I know I was wrong on so many levels...
Do you have any confessions you've wanted to make?