Say you're setting up two [Muslim] friends of yours, [in an Islamic manner (aka they're gonna talk and get to know one other, but not "date" in the traditional sense of the word)]... and the girl's parents are divorced.
1. This doesn't really mean much regarding her as a person - it's not like she's gonna be frowned upon because of it, nor will the guy really care (as far as I know, since most people born/raised in the US don't really see this as that big of a deal, and this guy's pretty chill).
However,
2. It's certainly not the norm in non-Western cultures to "have" divorced parents. It's something that's unexpected (and yes, the older generations still attach a stigma to the children of divorcees). When it comes to my generation (we've grown up with plenty of friends whose parents divorced either while we knew them or before), I realized today that her parents being divorced is certainly
unusual (not bad or shocking) in some senses, right after I mentioned that she was going to visit her mom over break since she had moved to a different state.
All he said was "interesting" but it made me suddenly aware that, in my descriptions of what my friend was like, I never mentioned that her parents were divorced. I did mention her siblings, how long I've known her, what she's interested in, what she's like, etc. etc. but I never said that her parents were divorced.
It's sorta a weird position, because I don't want to bring it up now as if it's a big deal... because then it'd make it seem like I feel it's a big deal, which would make it... a big deal.
This isn't something to define her, yet it's not something that's completely trivial anyway (well, maybe, given the divorce rate?). I do think it's rather on the same level as "she majored in History" though... maybe... ?
And in not saying anything, does that convey that it can't be mentioned, and thus, again, it's a big deal?
Honestly, I just don't really think of it as a defining characteristic, and I certainly didn't want to label her "child of divorcees" by throwing it out there in my brief description of what she's like (I mean, it's not like this is a personality thing)... but it certainly is a background thing in some ways. That said, I also didn't mention her family income level or what kind of house they live in, or what kind of car she drives, etc. so it's not like I really purposely left it out. How awkward would it be if I was like, "Her name's X, she's got two older brothers, she went to the same undergrad as I did majoring in History, from X city, her parents are divorced, she's X height, more on the slim side..."
I mentioned this to my mom, and just how I don't want my friend (the girl) to be thrown off when/if he asks about her parents and she realizes that I didn't mention they were divorced even though I did mention all this other random stuff about her.
Is it a big deal? Is it worth mentioning? Am I just over-analyzing like always?
Comments (15)
I think you're over-analyzing this. It shouldn't be up to you to tell this guy that your friend's parents are divorced - she should be the one to do it, plain & simple.
In fact, it's usually a bad idea to bring up any person's "faults" when setting two people up because that tends to sabotage their first impressions of each other.
The only exception to this rule is if one of them has REALLY big faults, but if that's the case, then you probably shouldn't be setting them up with anyone to begin with.
If it is worth mentioning, let her mention it to him. It's a newer generation so it most likely won't seem a big deal. But I do understand that the parents might have a problem with it if they ever do end up dating. But, it would be more her choice if it would affect their possible relationship.
I think you're over analyzing. Yes, it is something that should probably be talked about when you're dating someone, but I don't think it needs to be brought up right away. I think it's something he's bound to find out, anyway, if things get serious. And you're right--bringing it up will only make it seem like it's a big deal when it's not. There's no need to tell him. Leave it up to your friend to tell him in her own way.
it shouldn't matter, that's your parent's relationship, not yours.
you already did mention it. when you said she was going to visit her mom in another state. that, to me, implies her parents are divorced. don't go out of your way to explain this to the guy. i would, however, talk to your friend about it. i imagine it's probably not a big deal to her to talk about it anyway, so if the guy does ask about it, she probably won't be "thrown off".
let her mention it herself?
I think you're over-thinking things here. :p However, if it is such a worry for you, let her know that you forgot to mention to him that she was the child of divorced parents, and you don't know how he feels about that. Although, don't say it in a way that makes it sound like you think he's probably gonna be a douche about it. o.o;;
Still, just let her know about this little forgetful slip, and then she can be prepared to deal with it herself however she feels is appropriate. Her parents being divorced is kind of a personal thing, anyway, and she might feel more comfortable talking to him about that herself rather than having someone else get into it for her. :)
It wouldn't be up to you to tell someone another person's parents are divorced. Being a child of divorced parents is not the worst thing there is.
@crazygrampastuey@xanga - @FelicianaAlisha@xanga - haha thanks, it's good to hear from someone else that i am indeed overanalyzing
@laytexduckie@xanga - @nad_nuts@xanga - thanks - i'm in agreement too, i'll let her mention it to him
@tracezilla@lovelyish - @jamoncita@xanga - thank you both for the really helpful comments! that was the main other thing that i was concerned about - whether she'd be thrown off, esp. since i've already given him details about her siblings and what she's doing with her life, etc. i just didn't want it to seem like a purposeful omission that meant something bad, you know? and i don't want my friend to be in a position of, "oh, our mutual friend didn't mention that even though she mentioned all this other stuff?"
@GaMeGurLsH@xanga - @mewithoutu77@xanga - well yeah, i don't see it as a big deal, the guy most likely won't see it as a big deal... that's not the issue here. it's whether "her parents are divorced" is something that should be shared as a basic background info fact or not, and in saying/not saying it, whether that implies something about her.
thanks for the feedback everyone - it's definitely helped
@jamoncita@xanga - bingo! agree. if it comes up again, you can always say something like, "did i mention her parents are divorced?" so it seems like it is not a big deal to you. I understand your concern, though- my parents are divorced, and my dad was abusive O_o, so deciding when to talk about that with a new romantic partner is tricky.
@JennyGee@xanga - oooh that's helpful. cuz yeah, i don't want him thinking it's a big deal or that i'm purposely keeping it from him (which would mean I might think it reflects badly on her or something like that).
he's a pretty chill guy though - honestly, i really don't think he'll care, though he might find it interesting that i didn't mention it earlier. (we're both law students, lol, so this kinda "hmmm" analyzing stuff/discussion is what we tend to enjoy way too much)
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Why does it matter?
I agree with the others about just letting her fill him in on it.
If you're worried about her being thrown off by you not mentioning it to him, maybe just let her in on key things you did mention or let her know you didn't mention it?
Maybe she wouldn't be thrown off by his questions, but I honestly don't know because I don't know much about the culture, so I may be completely ignorant by thinking of how it would be for me and could be, therefore, completely off.
My bf's mom once said she was worried about how well i'd do in the relationship since i came from a "broken home." Funny thing is that she had a kid, divorced, remarried, and then had my bf. So is her other kid from a broken home too?
You might be overanalyzing it. I don't know how much it matters in the Islamic culture and if the guy is more traditional or more in touch with the U.S. culture. I feel like it'll easily come up in their conversation and she could just tell him. If you're super worried, then I agree with the other comments abt just quickly mentioning to her that you didn't mention it.
@snidget84@xanga - @perpetual_chasm@xanga - thanks for the helpful comments! islamically, it's not a huge deal (divorce is seen as a last resort type action, but it's there and it's acceptable)... but yeah, i think culturally, it's more of a big deal. any non-two parent household is seen as "fringe" in a way (even where one parent has died). however, the younger generations don't really care... it's just honestly "rare" and thus surprising to hear that someone's parents are divorced.
my worries were along the lines of him not knowing how to bring it up, or her being thrown off, and it always being this unspoken/awkward thing, haha. as you guys can see though, i over-analyze! and i'm a bit dramatic/imaginative/etc. so i keep thinking up scenarios that probably won't happen.
i think they should be just fine.