Oh man, I do not, like this guy.
He is my "fiance". I put it in quotes because it's a complicated situation. Wow, he is so unattractive. Is that wrong because I feel like I can't love him because of his looks? Okay, I might sound a little shallow. I swear I'm not. That's not me, it never has been. His personality is cute, but it can get creepy. He's European, and a super gentlemen, but I can't fall in love with him.
It's been a year.
The first month, we talked over the computer, and sort of hung out near the end of the month once or twice. I was overseas when this happened. I had two more weeks until I left to come back to the states. I seemed like I loved him. I would tell everybody how happy I was, yet I was not attracted to him and secretly felt like I was lying to myself and everyone else. His birthday was two months later and I got so excited to buy him clothes and stuff but I did not love him.
I have made many mistakes in my life. So, I took a long time to think about this. And I decided he is the one, my reasons include: my parents happiness, my family's happiness, and my future. Unfortunately, as more and more time passes, I keep feeling I made the worst mistake of my life.
My friends advice have been that I need to be happy. Emphasis on I. And also that, you can't learn to love anyone. One friend said I should think about how much I will hurt him.
I wrote this entry in hopes to hear peoples opinion. I don't know if I am messed up in the head because my family believes he is perfect. I don't. What do you think?
Comments (85)
Live life on your terms. No one else can be happy for you.
You're the one who has to spend the rest of your life with him. If it's not there, it's not going to crop up because you will it so. After an entire year, it's pretty clear that you feel no attraction. Your family and friends aren't marrying him, YOU are. So do what's right to you. There's learning to love, then there's forcing it.
uhm...I don't think that's how love works...it's not acquired.your friends are right you need to focus on what makes you happy and if you feel this way now you're simply wasting time and energy where there is nothing and it will inevitably end...so why waste your time? good luck!
I preface most of my comments with I'm an a-hole so take everything I say with a grain of salt. Before I go off on you, first I must expose my feelings on commitment. If you are going to be in a committed relationship, then you should be all in 100%. By this I mean, if you are going to wander, then don't commit. In your case, you will wander and eventually give into your desires when you meet some one who you are actually compatible with and not just "willing" yourself to like.
Honestly, relationships work by the rule of threes... It takes you three seconds to determine whether you can see yourself having sex with someone. It takes 3 minutes to figure out if the feeling is mutual. It takes 3 hours to figure out if it will happen. It takes to 3 days figure out if you are physically compatible. It takes 3 months to figure out if you are socially compatible. It takes three years to figure out if you are truly compatible. If at any one of these stages you fail, you cannot expect that you will pass the next one. You knew within the first three minutes of really human-human interaction (not this virtual bs) that you were not attracted to him or compatible. DO NOT GO THROUGH WITH THIS. You will regret it and you will torture him in the process.
@ewsmd@xanga - Wow. I never heard about the rules of three.
If you feel like that already, it's time to turn around and end it. It's not easy, but you have to think that this is going to be the person you're going to see every day, wake up next to, eat breakfast with, etc for the rest of your life, and if you can't handle that, break it off now. If you're having doubts on whether you love him or not, you really need to step back and think about it before it's too late.
You either love someone, or you don't.
Your family can learn to like the next person you date. When I was 15 I dated a 17 year-old and my family thought he was cute and quiet, such a gentleman. In truth he verbally and physically abused me and threatened me all of the time. There came a time where I realized that yeah, my family thinks hes great but he's not and if I don't love someone inside and out then it is NOT meant to be. No one should marry someone just because their family likes them, screw that, marry someone because you love them inside and out, for their talents and their faults.. You deserve REAL love. It may hurt you, him, and your family at first but just remember that you are all better off moving on then living a lie.
Nothing is too complicated that you can't extract yourself from the situation. Be honest with yourself. You're not marrying him for your own happiness. What kind of future could you possibly have with someone whose personality you sometimes find "creepy"? If you were in love with him, you would be attracted to him no matter what he looks like. All of your instincts are telling you to end the relationship before it's too late. Why aren't you listening to yourself?
in the bible it says you are here to find your equal, nothing more, nothing less.
maybe the only problem here is your self-perception.
Ignore the family. What do you feel in your heart? If you feel nothing, it matters none the importance your family puts on him.
I don't think this marraige is going to work out by the sounds of it. It sounds like you won't be happy. I hope you make the right choice.
@ewsmd@xanga - Wow. The rules of three are pretty cool, I wonder if they actually work.
I know you CAN learn to love someone. I have met very happy couples from India who were matched by someone else when they married, and then learned to love the one they were with. That's what the song's about, "Love the One You're With." You definitely CAN learn to love someone.
Furthermore, if you really think you're going to stay physically attracted to anyone when they're 65 years old, you're nuts, unless you understand that true physical attraction comes from a couple who has learned to sacrifice for each other. Commitment and deep, deep mutual trust is very sexy.
On the other hand, you can't force yourself to be compatible with someone. If things aren't clicking, they're not clicking. You sound like you have the opposite problem from the one I had in my last relationship. She and I had amazing chemistry, and she was exactly my "type" physically, but we did not click at all. I was just telling someone that I find that if I really like a girl's personality, she becomes attractive to me. I know this is even more true for girls than for guys. So if you don't find yourself becoming more attracted to him, it might not be the shallow stuff. There might be something missing in the exchange of personalities, or something, that is causing you to not feel drawn to him.But honestly, if you're just being shallow, that alone may not be a good enough reason to reject someone who makes you happy and blesses everyone in your life with who they are.
One more thought: one of my best friends in the mid- to late-thirties age range told us that for years after he married his beautiful, savvy, smart wife that he was not sure he had married the right woman. Then one day it was like it dawned on him that, in God's eyes, she IS his wife, which means she IS the right woman. I remember what he was like before he had this realization, and since then he has fallen madly in love with her. It's really amazing. The real hesitation wasn't his wife, it was him. He didn't know what HE wanted. But once he stopped focusing on himself, he realized how incredibly lucky he is. And I tell you, they're one of the most wonderfully in-love couples I have ever known.
i think you know what to do and are wanting our affirmation.
the rest of your life is a LONG time to "keep your family" - - who will be living in a different house than you and your HUSBAND -- happy ... you can't keep up an act forever.
Don't you think your life is a little short to be wasting on someone who doesn't make you happy?
@nuffaH@xanga - exactly.
the only person to guaranteed to still be there at any point in time is YOU.
if you go through with a loveless marriage, eventually both of you will end up unhappy and probably divorced...i know i never want to get divorced. ever. it's not the last thing i want to do--it's not on my list at all.
when my family was against my current bf at the start of our relationship, i saw less and less of my family. my bf was not someone i was willing to give up, and ultimately i forced my family to spend time with the two of us and now they've come around.
marriage and relationships are about finding someone you love, someone who makes you happy. if you haven't fallen for him yet, you probably won't. it's hard because you still seem to care about him, but it seems the best option for both of you is to break it off and move on...it's not fair to keep him around and let him believe you love him when you don't.
@JGBallard@xanga - the story about your friend is beautiful :) and that's a really cool way to think about things.
please don't marry him just to make other people happy. my sister got married her first time when she was 21 and it was the biggest mistake of her life. she realized before she went through the ceremony it was probably not a good idea and she was too prideful to admit it. marriage shouldn't be taken so lightly, the rest of your life is a long ass time...lol. im saying this in your best interest. please don't go through with it purely for financial reasons (which im guessing it what you meant when you said for your future?)
Nonsense, everyone is shallow. So don't feel bad.
Also, if you don't want him, leave him. I hope you're not one of those people who are in relationships for the sake of being in a relationship. Because I find people who can't be single pathetic.
Just saying. Be smart.
- Kunoichi
When you really truly like/love someone, they become attractive to you. Their flaws become cute little characteristics. You can't make yourself love someone, no matter what you say or how hard you try. If you're really having these doubts I would break it of.
If you have doubts, break it off. I can't say it's simple because it's not. I can't say that I'm competely void of being shallow, everyone knows that...excuse me the majority of people know that physical attraction is still part of the love equation. However, it is not the main reason for love, but it is part of it. It is also within our nature to like something that is physically appealing there's no way around that. Everyone has their own definition of what is beautiful in their eyes and I'm not just talking about hot or ugly or anything in between. Beautiful as in personality, a little bit of looks, some humor, some intelligence.
Picture yourself walking in the street. Would it make you happy or comfortable walking with him if a few people thought he was physically unnattractive? If I were him and you were walking with me and felt that, it would make me feel uncomfortable that you aren't satisfied with the way I look. It's late for me so if that makes no sense then I apologize. Personally, I will say from my own experience... if you cannot be yourself around him and it doesn't feel comfortable or convenient or however you want to say it, then don't be with him. Don't be fake. Be real with him and be honest. Love is hard and everyone has a moment where it will be hard. Marriage together should be about each others' happiness, however if you both do not meet in the middle it won't work. Do you look at yourself as being half-empty or half-full? And don't jump into it because it's convenient for everyone else. They're your feelings.
I agree with your friends. If you're already having doubts, it's probably best not to get married and let him know this. It would be better then hurting him even more in the future. If you do not love him, and don't think you can, than you can't and won't. You can't force yourself to fall in love with someone. And the reasons you listed as to why he is the one, don't even have anything to do with you and your feelings towards him. It seems like you decided this on the terms of making everyone else around you happy. And your future isn't going to be nice if you do end up marrying him and don't love him, especially since you already think you've made the biggest mistake of your life.
I'd rethink the whole situation.Marriage is hard enough when you have everything going for you....liking feeling totally and completely madly in love with the person. You are setting yourself up for failure if you go through with this.
For anyone that's gotten divorced, they knew walking down the aisle that it didn't feel right. There was something nagging them and they ignored it. Don't ignore your feelings!!!! This is going to end very badly if you marry this guy. Do yourself AND him a favor....he might be hurt now, but he will thank you someday. He deserves to be with a woman that loves him wholeheartedly, attraction and all. And you deserve to find the right man for you.
What if by marrying him you miss the right guy for you? Please do the right thing. After reading this post, i am 100% sure you will either get divorced or be completely miserable if you marry this guy.
you can't force yourself to love someone....but on the other hand, i know of many couples who learned to love eachother as time passed...but why learn to love someon when there could be someone out there that you truly fall in love with? believe me, from almost 4 years of experience, being forced to love someone before you feel it, sucks, and slowly that turns into hatred and regret...but you move on and learn to love again ^_^
Follow your own rules. Maybe you were in love with the idea of love with a kind gentleman. And maybe in reality, you need someone who'll treat and tell you like it is....or just that the fire is not there anymore.