Tuesday, 15 December 2009
-
Upgrading from You
This weekend I found out my ex is getting ready to propose soon to his current girlfriend of 2+ years. We dated 3-4 years ago. We had a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship and ended up with a bad break up. It took me 2 weeks to get over him…But I wonder if it’s all crashing down on me now. I don’t think I have feelings for him anymore. But I’ve always wanted to upgrade my future boyfriends to be better than who he was/is in my standards because he was so selfish…I believed he was the textbook definition of a Narcissist.
I know it’s awful of me to think this way but I can’t help but think that my current boyfriend is worse than my ex. I know he loves me but I can’t forgive and forget the things he’s done and not done. For example: he lies to make himself seem more impressive than he really is…a trait he caught from his demon mother. He remembers the date of my bday but forgot about it on the actual day (I think if he did make any kind of planning he would remember, right?), then he gets mad at me for ruining his surprise of wanting to celebrate it at night instead of having to say it in the morning (see the lying trait). He and I have been dating for 3 years and we have been living together for ½ a year. I just know that even if the Ex never loved me as much as I cared about him, he will still do something special for my bday. And if Ex had loved me the way a significant other should then he would try his hardest to make me the happiest girl.While I’m comparing, I believe Ex’s soon to be fiancée is better than how I am so he’s upgraded while I’ve downgraded. I don’t know her well and I’ve only seen her twice so far. But she’s decent looking, skinny, and tall while I’m decent looking and tall. I lost the skinny part at the end of that relationship LOL. From the look of it, it seems the Ex has found what he’s been looking for in a S/O (tall skinny and good looking) while it seems I’m still horsing around. In the first 1.5 years, I thought my current boyfriend would be THE ONE, but not so much now. And it’s been going downhill the last year or so. I know the RIGHT thing to do is to move out and break up…but I still care about him. I’m just not sure if it’s for the right reason.
Have you ever been in a situation where an ex S/O is getting engaged/married? How did you feel? Did you feel similar to what I am feeling right now? (I’m still not sure what I’m feeling…jealousy? Disappointment in my current relationship? Or confusion over my future? I am worried about my future because I am in my late 20’s and can’t fool around for much longer) How did you manage to get rid of those feelings and to move on?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: anonymish
- About Me: This post was submitted by a Datingish reader who wanted to remain anonymous. You can submit your own anonymous post at www.datingish.com/submit-post - just make sure you let us know you wouldn't like to have your username displayed!
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 227 Views: 0 543096 Comments: 0 13046 View all posts by anonymish
Comments (20)
My 5 cents is this: this situation has caused you to review your own life. I don't think its jealousy or anything like that. This is a GOOD thing. The hardest thing anyone can do is take an honest hard look at the way things really are not the way we'd like to see them. You seem like a person who doesn't expect the earth - just someone who truly cares. Not to judge, but your current boyfriend seems like he's kinda more wrapped up in himself (demon mother passed that on no doubt). In my experience people don't change very much.
My advise is don't compare. Your SO and Ex are two different person. They met you under different circumstances. It is unfair for them and yourself IF you keep comparing.
Discuss with your current SO how do you want him to treat you, and end the relationship IF you think you should end it.
I was kinda shock when I knew he moved on, I was like "Of all the bitches, why her?"Kidding! When you are really over someone, you don't feel anything except happiness for them. Thats what I felt for him.
First of all, I am an a-hole so take anything I say with a grain of salt. But as such, the majority of women find me intriguing. What you are going through is a typical girl thing. First, you expected to be engaged/married long before your narcissist, but you did not take into consideration there will always be a woman around who will think that she can change him, so when he decided to settle down, he had options. You on the other hand moved on and settled in to the next person out there. One who obviously does not feel comfortable in his own skin (lying to make himself seem more impressive, etc). So now you are faced with the question of why you are with this guy. It is time to do some soul searching right now. Are you with him because you don't want to be alone, or because you really think that he will mature into the ideal man. In either case, you are in for disappointment. Move on, and find yourself marriage material. If you settle, you will have to always suppress the urge to upgrade and that is not fair to anybody.
Don't think of it as one-upping your ex. But it sounds to me like this situation is making you wake up to the fact that you are not enjoying your current boyfriend. Why be with someone so long if they have these traits that obviously perturb you?
It sounds like you are hurt that the person you rejected has found someone he cares about enough to marry. You don't necessarily want them back. You just don't want them to be happier than you merely because it makes you feel as though you are falling behind in life. Take this opportunity to step back and assess your OWN situation. You're obviously no longer enchanted with your current boyfriend. Why in the world are you still hanging around? Ditch him and move on. Marriage is not the ultimate rite of happiness. It's normal to be confused about your future but don't base your happiness on the progress of others.
everybody envies any life but their own.
@ewsmd@xanga - agreed.
I know how you feel.
My ex is recently dating another girl -- who some might see is an upgrade for me.
Fortunately, I am certain that I've also upgraded as well and I'm happy with my relationship.
I just don't want to see my ex upgrading and being happy considering he was such a jerk when he broke up with me.
Regardless, life is all about improving. If you truly don't think you've improved in this department, then it's time to move on.
Unlike in my situation, I know I've improved, but I just hate seeing the sight of my ex being happy. Some things will just need to take time to fade.
@ewsmd@xanga - i agree.
i also think everyone tries to upgrade from their previous SO, no matter how nice or bad the break up was. it's human nature.
They're an ex for a reason.
@ewsmd@xanga - yeehh.... he didnt even make plans for your b-day? i would be so devestated... my boyfriend bought me this online videogame subscription, and had me download it at midnight on the exact date of my birthday, even though we were an hour apart. that made me feel so special and remembered! we've only been together for a year and a half, but if it started to go downhill, i really wouldnt let it just slip up.
i think you could do much better for yourself, i mean aside from the ex, the current bf who's no better, and if you're worried that its your own personality that's limiting you, stay single for a while and review your own traits. you'll probably learn alot about yourself and mature naturally, and somebody really worth it may come along in the meantime.
I have had a similar feeling- my ex cheated on me with a girl, and not even a year after we broke up they became engaged. At first I was pissed, because I haven't been in a relationship since i was with him. But then I realized that it wasn't that I didn't have the option (I've had guys interested in me, and i've gone on dates with a few), it's that I just didn't feel the zing, and I really actually enjoy being single. Plus I know my ex is a very clingy, insecure, and high maitenance guy with a clingy, bipolar (now) fiancee. I personally feel like I've gotten the upgrade and he's gotten the downgrade. but that's just me. :)
haha. i feel ya girl! i bawled when I found out my ex was engaged... even though I was sure I was over him! I'm not sure what it is! I know a couple of my friends who have had that feeling when finding out about an ex's engagement. I think it has something to do with feeling incompetant... or something of the sort. Why aren't WE (We = self and ex) the ones getting married? Why didn't WE get our happy ending like we were supposed to? Why did WE go wrong?
And although we may be completely happy without him and moved on and 100% happy, we'll always live with the "What If" factor. What if we would have tried a little harder? What if we would've never broken up.. wouldn't that be me getting ready to walk down the aisle then?
I don't know. I still wonder "what if" and we broke up 5 years ago. Weird.
@fatal_mess@xanga - i feel this....
recently i had been sort of pondering my ex's new engagement. (i'm just happy i'm not alone in this situation :) )
i have an amazing boyfriend and a good life. and for the past year, i've been truly happy. maybe it doesn't matter what my ex fiance is doing... he's an ex for a reason.so instead of thinking about him-and-her, why not....just forget about them and enjoy my life?
thanks datingish lol =)
grow up.
My love of my life, high school sweet heart, the one I was with before I'd ever been hurt and loved more deeply in and more completely than anyone before is getting married this month.
Its to a girl that he decided to hang out with one weekend instead of me back when we were broken up and thinking of getting back together. Last year he cheated on her with me. He's cheated on all his gfs since me with me.
I am very sad that he's getting married. I've dated a few people since him and all have been better than him and most treated me better than him and were better looking. But he's getting married and I just changed my facebook status from engaged to single...so you can see where I'm at.
If it wasn't for him cheating on her with me last year then I'd be heartbroken but because he was willing to cheat on her than I feel so much better. Sick as that is.
there is a reason why a person is an ex and you have to remember that... i dont think anything is an upgrade/downgrade for anything... every relationship is different. you can compare the differences, but up/downgrade kinda makes it seem like its a game to be in a relationship.
if you feel things are off between you and your SO talk about it specially since you live together, its important to communicate!
as for getting over your ex, there are levels here, depends on how you are and they are. when my ex and i broke up, it took me about 8 months to go back on a date with anyone... it took her 1 week (she did cheat, so no shocker)... i think i have found someone who is way better and treats me differently.. its not an upgrade, its different... i know she thinks she upgraded because he is willing to follow her track to get married and stuff while i wanted to get my life in order... its different thinkings that will change everything... dont stress yourself over it...
Don't compare but reevaluate your life and relationship. Do what you gotta do to get where you want and need to be.
If my ex significant others was dating, getting engaged, or married, I'll be happy for them. I wouldn't compare my life or relationship to theirs.
@flyaway23@xanga - your ex was a jerk cause he wasn't right for you, but that's not to say he hasn't matured. my ex was a jerk too, but he MAGICALLY became the perfect man for another girl who looked like a man. i thought i must've been super ugly or something, but i realized guys are jerks when they're not with the right person. my SO was an ass to his ex, never held her hand, never did anything special with her, but with me its all different. people change :P but im glad your relationship is an upgrade from that jerk before! :D
My story is a bit different from all. This guy I liked in high shcool. Finally asked me out. within 3-4 weeks he was already cheating on me. Haha. he came crying back to me because that girl dumped him just like i told him she would. but then after that he married someone completely different and then shortly after had a motorcycle wreck. so. i think it ws just God's way of protecting me from being a widow.♥