Monday, 14 December 2009
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Hello? I Still Care
Dear Boy who acts like a Jerk,
What happened to you? Why can’t you speak to me? Are the memories that I trigger into that shallow head of yours too painful to bear? To be completely honest with you I think it is incredibly immature that you cannot speak to me, and I am not exactly sure why you cannot. Is it because I rejected you? Did I finally downsize that obnoxiously large ego of yours? Or is it the fact that when you look at me you cannot keep to the boundary of friendship? Perhaps this is selfish of me, but I miss our friendship. As wrong as it is to say this, I don’t care about how you can’t be near me without wanting something, I just want to know you’re alive. That you’re happy. That underneath that callousness, there is still a heart that beats. I just want you to talk to me, even if I can’t see you in person, which is probably the best thing to do—avoid real contact, but would emailing or messaging each other be such a bother? I want to share so much with you, about my life, some discoveries I have made, experiences I have had at college and realizations about myself that I have come to. Can you let go of your grudge and let me in, let me into your life again?
Sometimes I really doubt what happened between us. Were you just trying to chase after me for a physical desire and because I turned away from you, you no longer bothered in attempting to sustain a friendship? Or is the real reason, the one I hope it is, that you cannot fathom speaking to me because it will only remind you of what you cannot have? I’m not even sure why I wish that we could be friends again; you never were in it for friendship, and I never considered you just a friend, you were always more. And even though I am fearful that in speaking to you, buried and forgotten emotions may soon again rise to surface, I still would like to hear your voice. I think what has me dying to speak to you again is your eyes. Although you were never generous in displaying how you cared for me, I always saw it in your eye.
I don’t need you to be my best friend, my boyfriend, my admirer. I don't want that. I just need to know that you still care. That what happened between us wasn’t a lie…please dear God don’t tell me it was a lie. Although some may only speak negatively of you, I still cling to the hope that you saw more than me than just a physical attraction. But by you cutting me from your life, I feel abandoned in this darkness. It makes me feel like you really didn’t care about me because if you did, you wouldn’t shut me out the way you are. Don’t you see that even through the damage you have inflicted, I still care about you enough that I wish to hear from you occasionally? After all the lies, the cutting words you spat threw through the phone to me and the incessant flirting with other women, I still care. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?
I sincerely hope you’re dating someone, and I hope that she proves me wrong when I said that no other girl would ever care about you the way I did. But then again, she might prove that I was right all along. Maybe no other girl will care for you as much as I have and still do. Although you have hurt me in countless ways, to the point that I fear giving any other male that I meet an inch of trust, I am still here, keeping you in my prayers and caring about you. Because unlike almost every other person in your life, I see beneath the shallow, coldhearted, cruel mask you use to shield your hurt, rejection, abandonment and insecurity. I see you for the person that I’ve grown so deeply to care about, for the real man you are that you never allow anyone else to see.
I don’t care if you’re angry with me or if you hate me with a flaming intensity, because I have learned that it is impossible for me to despise you the way you think I might. I know you better than you think--you want me to hate you, you want me to loathe your existence because then it will justify why we no longer speak. But the truth is this; I will always care about you. No matter how many lies you told me, no matter what words you used to tell me I was self-righteous, no matter how many other girls there may have been---I still care and hope that you’re happy. Truly happy.
So hate me, baby. Hate me and list to yourself all the ridiculous reasons you probably conceived as to why I said “no” to you. Because deep down in that heart of yours that once had feelings for me, there is a man I know well, and although you won’t ever share it or show it, I know that you cannot wrap your head around why a silly girl like me still cares about you, even after all we’ve been through.
Yours Truly,
The silly girl.
Have you ever felt like this?
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About the Author
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- From: ktina628@xanga
- Name: Kristina
- About Me: I’m Kristina, trying to follow the less traveled path.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 5 Views: 0 11227 Comments: 0 220 View all posts by ktina628@xanga
Comments (88)
um, i love this, just saying..
oooooooooo I'm in that situation right now!!! I even text that fool happy birthday and nothing!
yes, I have felt that way. he hasn't talked to me in months
I mentioned my birthday and he didn't even care
won't even say hi anymore. I don't hate him but I get sad a lot.
I am feeling the same way right now.
I just wish he would have the guts to tell me he hates instead of giving me the cold shoulder.
damn! if a girl wrote this to me. I would feel like shit and would want to start over to talk again.
@ohdayumcamilleff@xanga - although I'm not a female, I thought this was an awesomely written post too.
@Ms_s0cal@xanga - maybe he got your text, and deep down inside loves the fact that you did text him...but he's either too embarrassed or just doesnt know what to say in return?
I think some guys are dummies in the sense that we (always including myself) never do anything right the way we should in relationships the first time around. And when we falter with something, we become embarrassed and try to shy away from the situation so we dont have to confront it. To the girls attempting to rekindle the communication, and arent getting the responses they're looking for...I think it's easy to say that you've tried your best, and the only thing left to do is either let him come to you, or move on.
Definitely have felt that way. Maybe not the same situation, but yeah. Hope the jerk becomes a little more mature after this letter.
strong. props
This is...perfect. I've been there too many times, it's always the same.
sounds exactly what I'm going through. :/
Dear Silly girl,
I have received/read your letter, and it is very compelling. I hear and understand how you feel. Take that into consideration while reading this reply letter. You are being completely irrational, and unrelenting in your quest for contact with me. It seems like you're having withdrawal symptoms, and are not able to control your outbursts.
You know, now that I think about it, this seems like a bit more than the simple case of withdrawal. This letter wreaks of an overbearing ego. "I sincerely hope you’re dating someone, and I hopethat she proves me wrong when I said that no other girl would ever care about you the way I did. But then again, she might prove that I was right all along." Let us examine this statement from both perceptions; if you were right, and if you were wrong.
If you were right, how would that make you feel inside? Would it joy you to know that you were the absolute "best" for me, and you're the one that rejected me? How would you feel if I were to actually share such information with you; that I have since dated a copious amount of women, and none have affected my heart nor soul, the way you have? If you truly wanted me to be happy, wouldn't you in turn, not wish for such a notion out loud, or even say no one would care about me the way you did?
If you were wrong, what would happen now? Truthfully speaking, this letter seeps with emotions that you still have directed towards me. The hurt is still fresh and potent as well. Why would you desire to speak with me about another woman, whom is taking your place? Would you like to interview me about her? Would you like to interview her, as well? That would be marvelous; an emotional ex-prospect, speaking to a current girlfriend/future prospect. Mmmm, magical. I'll make sure to bring my video camera along, just in-case you two fight. If clothes come off, I can sell the video and we can split the profit three ways.... You okay with that?
Excuse my cynicism; I just need you to understand some things, now that we are going our separate ways. I feel like even after your rejection, you are still attempting to keep power over my actions and emotions. If you respected me and my feelings, you wouldn't have written this letter to me so soon, with such fervor. Since you are sure that they are indeed still there for you, you should respect my privacy and allow me to deal with them, as I see fit.
We are going separate ways... This means that though I may have shared my vulnerability with you, and even exposed myself to you... You are not by ANY means, entitled to it. You don't "see me for who I really am" anymore.. You saw me. I understand and appreciate that you're worried about my heart and its condition, and am grateful for that more than you know. It simply doesn't beat for you. It beats for me and whomever I want it to beat for now. You had the opportunity to look deeper into my heart than you had ever experienced before, and you said no. Accept your decision, and move forward. You're so confident in your caring abilities, right? I'm sure you'll find another man to invest his time and energy into you, I'm certain of it. I am glad that you "see beneath the shallow, cold-hearted, cruel mask you use to shield your hurt, rejection, abandonment and insecurity."
Sadly enough, I have to say, it takes two to tango. I recommend you spend time with your loved ones, and heal from your loss, as I am.
I really do hope you understand. As compassionate as you are, I'm sure you do. I am a male; I am expected to place my principles above all, including my vulnerability, when having to choose between myself, and the greater good. In a few years, all will come together, and you will understand why I made such a decision, while holding your new interest. Maybe in the future, we will be able to be friends with one another. Maybe...
Signed,
The Boy who acts like a Jerk
P.S. Don't call me "baby", please. Thank you.
Damn. This is how I felt back in the beginning of the year. Although the situation was slightly different than what you describe here, the end result of feeling abandoned and etc is exactly the same. -_-
i'm utterly speechless and i cannot even think where to begin and find the words.
you totally summed up what i have felt not too long ago. and i would never have said it any better. i wish somehow, i can relay the message just like you have, but people have certain ways to shut you out, and they would never even know, and which would trully be a shame.
@peterpahn@xanga - are you really sure about that? there are those even if she has told him how she felt directly, he would reject her and never look back.
for most men, principles do matter the most. just like Simply_Cynical has said.
@Simply_Cynical@xanga - this is sooo right on! If she rejected him,then why is she in such deep emotional torment? Swollen ego perhaps? Sounds like no one ever let her before with their dignity in tact but she better get use to it now.
Men are not toys to play with!
@peterpahn@xanga - same way here..
Sounds to me like you want your cake and eat it too? You rejected him, he is hurting. However it is that he lashed out at you, whatever it is he said, was his way of covering up rejection. Nobody likes to be rejected when they care deeply for someone. You care about him as more than a friend and he knew that, yet you didn't want him ..... that's what I'm pulling from this. And if that's the case, then you're in the wrong honey.And you simply don't deserve his friendship.
@Simply_Cynical@xanga.com - you are right on.
@Simply_Cynical@xanga - Perfect response that accurately sums up what I was feeling as I was reading this. Sounds like someone needs to get over themselves, and it sure isn't the "boy who acts like a jerk"
Maybe he's just not that into you.
I haven't loved a post like this in awhile. <3
Reminds me a little bit of the feelings that I have towards my ex -boyfriend, and it summarises some of the feelings that he must definitely feel towards me.
he's just not that into you...
@mycontinuity@xanga - haha, I agree, sorry I didn't see your response till I posted mine up. Either way, I think it's really true...the question should be, why can't she accept that?
@peterpahn@xanga - You have no idea how happy your response made me. I wish.
@Simply_Cynical@xanga - I'm sure this blog really hits home to you being that you left such a lengthy response. However just because the girl in your life may be in a similar situation does not mean that we are BOTH feeling the same thing. I think you missed the point of this blog. It's not to seem egotisical even though there are moments sometimes in wish I feel that way. It's to show that no matter how painfully I was hurt by YOU, in the end I still care because I know that man underneath that harshness is good. Because the thing about dating "jerks" like you is that your so fearful in letting people in that you block people who might actually help you so you won't get hurt in the end.
I also did not mention anything about wanting to know about other girlfriends. But if I did, do you blame me for wanting to know? Some girls would be jealous but I on the other hand would be happy that HE is HAPPY. You see, this blog is not meant to say "hey your supposed to be with me". Its supposed to be "even though my heart is scarred from you, I hope you find happiness and know that I'll always care for you in the very least as a friend"
I think you should submit your response to the girl who feels that way about you, but you might find that you were also wrong in interpreting what she is saying. Have a good day.