Sunday, 13 December 2009
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Caught in a Lie
You know what they say; anything that happens in the dark eventually has to come out in the light. I was hanging out and talking with my boyfriend last night and our talk eventually led to opening up the past. Basically, I got drunk for the first time in my life this summer; I passed out and was like a ragdoll. Worst part is I got drunk with people I didn’t really know well. I remember bits and pieces of that night and have tried to shove it off my mind like how another guy had his tongue in mine- mind you I wasn’t kissing him back. All I thought about that night was how stupid I was and how much I love my boyfriend and how I blatantly ruined our love. I didn't tell him or anyone really because I didn't think I was cheating because I didn't give my consent but I really don't know because I could be wrong.
My boyfriend found out all of this just now, 5 months later because I tried to deny to myself that it ever happened. Now he calls me a liar, says he never lied to me ever and that he couldn’t believe I’m capable of lying to him. This is the first time I’ve lied to him but I feel like I didn’t do it purposely to do something stupid like that and try to cover it up later, but even though I'm not gonna try to make excuses for what happen because it happened. I know now that if anything ever stupid happens it’s better to expose it now than exposing it later.
Like Proverbs 12:17-20 says
He who tells the truth furthers justice, but a false witness furthers deceit. Idle talk can pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise can heal. Truthful words will stand forever, lying speech but a moment. Deceit is in the hearts of those who plot evil, but for those advising peace there is joy.What should I do? How do I explain to him that I was just a coward for not confronting this earlier and bringing it to his attention? Is there even a point to stay with someone once they lose your trust?
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About the Author
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- From: wachamakulit@xanga
- About Me: Things change as you grow up. Priorities change, goals change, dreams change, and sometimes you find urself completely lost in the middle of everything after having thought you got it all figured out. It may seem now that you'll never get out of that rut or it may seem like you'll never find ur old self back again; Ur headstrong personality, the driven one, the dreamer, the fighter, the full spirited and carefree one. All of these hopefully had just been covered by time and will resurface eventually. Its time for me to discover myself again bc as of now Im not sure who I really am anymore. Im not sure who I should hold onto or let go or care for. Maybe this is the time that I need to care for myself and rediscover everything again. I dont want to be lost anymore.
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Comments (31)
im not sure how, but you should tell him.
well for one, you shouldn't have been getting sloppy drunk with a bunch of people you don't know. anything could have happened to you that night, you're lucky all the happened was a kiss... hopefully. maybe you're bf will find it in his heart to forgive, i definitely know how you feel. but just consider this a lesson learned i suppose.
i understand your view of things and how you dont think it was really cheating since you didnt consent to anything, but i understand his side of things. I'm sure he feels that you were hiding the incident from him and therefore you must have been cheating on him. You should just tell him the truth, and from now on honesty is the best policy. just because you pretend it didnt happen doesnt make it go away and if you truly love someone you cant hide stuff like that from them.
yeah, you pretty much screwed yourself. but most people forgive, so uhhh.. tell him you understand why he doesn't trust you and that you will wait as long as it takes to gain his trust again.
and never fuck up again, EVER.. EVERRRRR
Try to explain it once and after that if he wont accept it then thats that...
You need to present your view of things to him in the way you've talked about it here. You should also explain that it was a mistake, that you shouldn't have gotten drunk with people you don't know, and that it wouldn't happen again. If he's unwilling to try to work things through with you and at least attempt to forgive you, you should consider whether or not it would be worthwhile staying in the relationship.
Obviously, he has a right to feel the way he does. But people who hold grudges are just as destructive to relationships as the people who did something wrong initially.
I hate the "I got drunk and taken advantage of" excuse. You're never that drunk. Trust me, I've been fucking smashed and I still remember what was going on.
Honestly, he has every right to leave you. But for your sake, I hope he is a forgiving person.
@Gorrific@xanga - Im not trying to make an excuse for what happened. I know that its my fault. I dont drink and I was given 6 shots of Bacardi 150 and didnt know how much alcohol that's in it until I researched it.
Um, I don't care... you knew you were kissing him. Were you dating when you kissed this guy? Cause if you were, you're a cheater. and that trust is gone, and you must move on, it's not fair that he would be with someone who cheated on him and someone who isn't honest. think of the situation reversed..
Maybe you have learned from what you did, and your relationship can somehow be repaired.
My ex, made out with her friend when she was drunk. My friend was at the same club taking pictures of who she was with. In the background, my then girlfriend, was kissing her friend.... When i called before I saw the picture, she said nothing happened. I saw the picture, confirmed it was her, called her... she said it was a bet. We broke up the next day and two months later her roommate told me the truth that there was no bet. We were trying to be friends and finding out the truth later was painful. She said she thought we discussed being in an open relationship, probably another lie. So... needless to say. Right after we broke up, her and that girl, totally hooked up, and we were still spending every fucking day together like nothing ever happened but we weren't dating anymore. Now though, we are not hanging out or talking because i need time to get over her and all the lies she threw at me.
You need to have him figure out if he can still trust you. That is a BIG deal even if you loved/cared about him. Now he may start thinking about how everything you have said to him is a lie. Maybe you really don't care about him because even if you were drunk, why would you let something like that happen. Just give him some time to think and don't push him. Let him know that you are still here and love him very much and it was a mistake you would like to overcome together. But BECAREFUL because now its going to be trust issues times a million. Even if you broke up and still talked, he may never trust you again. Who knows.... I hope you two can work it out though.
@endlesscrowd@xanga - the problem was i had complete no control over my body that night so even if i wanted to push this perosn away i couldnt, my arms wouldnt move and Im being dead honest. I would pass out then be concious for like 5 seconds and then pass out again. I fell on the floor once and I could remember that and they said I fell on the floor a lot of time but i dont remember that.
just tell him and explain why you lied? at least you tried making things up.. if things get screwed up, then i guess that's just sad. anw all the best!
Actually a similar situation happened to me, but I told my bf RIGHT away. The thing is, you put yourself in a bad situation, don't make it worse by lying to those close to you later. Explain to him that you weren't hiding it as a way to make yourself look better, you were hiding it because you were scared and unsure of what happened and you were unwilling to face it. He should be comforting you really, but whatever, you lied and now he's paranoid, make each other feel better. Tell him the truth, and hell when people mess up in the beginning of a relationship and find out months/years later... I don't think it counts... It's like... yeah, we weren't serious then lol.
@Je_Suis_Vrai@xanga - youre right i mean weve been together for 5 years. I would never ever ever intentionally hurt him. I would think he would know who I am by now specially that he's my best friend. I made a mistake
@wachamakulit@xanga - Then you'll be fine. BECAUSE he's just hearing about it, of course he'll be upset... Wouldn't you? But, explain to him what happened... And remind him of all the time you've been together since the incident. You should be fine, let him take a day to get over it and realize what he has NOW.
@wachamakulit@xanga - You have to be careful when drinking then. :( I hate it when someone is so wasted they either can't remember a thing or they can't control whats going on. Does he know that? I mean it may not help since clearly the events have already taken place but I mean... did you drink after that? I probably wouldn't have put myself in that kind of position after that situation as well. Hmmm.... I really hope things work out. I have been on his side recently so I understand where he may be coming from. If he TRULY loves you, he may forgive you but that trust may be gone. :(
@endlesscrowd@xanga - soooo true!
Do your best to be true to yourself then you'll be true to another one day!
maybe send him a link to this post?
It just sounds to me that you were drunk xD and it is now coming to your mind now; it happens to recall memories later on, but we all deny those memories, because we wouldn't normally do that; but i don't think it is considered lying; Denial and Lying are too different things; just tell him the truth; that you couldn't believe you could of done that, and it wasn't your fault (except hanging out drunk with people you didn't know well) and that you weren't sure because you were drunk; he'll forgive. I don't think you were doing it purposely. Denial is something that comes naturally to us and without notice because we guard ourselves to a certain extent. Anyhow, he will forgive you; just tell him the truth and i'm sure..
but i'm not going to call you a liar, because you weren't doing it purposely (and liars do it purposely); remember denial is not lying; but tell him you were sorry and tell him what happened as best as you can remember. Just because memories come up, doesn't mean i lie about them when i don't want to remember..it just means i'm protecting myself suppressing those memories; remember being drunk fogs up your mind..xD and not many people remember anything..
@Gorrific@xanga - not necessarily, some people can remember everything after being completely smashed but some people can black out if they are too drunk, and only remember bits and pieces but not everything.
You know it happened so you lied to him. You deny that it ever happened because you're ashamed. Being in denial is like lying to yourself because you don't want to believe or realize that it ever happened. You lied maybe not with the intentions of trying to hurt him but you should have known the consequences of drinking and getting drunk. I hate how people use "being drunk" as an excuse because no one poured a drink down your threat repeatedly, it was your decision to do so...at least in this case it was. You have to take responsibility for your mistakes and actions and be honest with him. If he really cared about you, regardless of what stupid decision you made, he will still be by your side no matter what. But you never gave him that opportunity...and I don't honestly know how he's going to trust you.
@Gorrific@xanga - I have to agree with you on this , i have been so smashed i was preaying for death but i still remember the whole night.
You also (this sounds so bad so don't hate me) have to think about yourself. I don't know what kind of boyfriend you have but this kind of thing happened to me and I told my boyfriend right away but (obviously) he totally freaked out- which, don't get me wrong, he had every right to do. But then he held it over my head for the next year that or relationship dragged on. It was miserable- I made a mistake but he just couldn't get ever really over it. If you work through it but he brings it up constantly or consistently makes snide comments about you being a liar you should call it quits because it is just not good for you. You should be sorry and make an effort to stay together but you should also know when to call it quits because you don't deserve to pay for your mistake for the rest of your time together.