Sunday, 13 December 2009
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The Trials and Tribulations of Singlehood
After many years of weighing the pros and cons, I've decided that for the most part, I don't like being single.
I have been single (that is not in a Facebook status worthy relationship) for my entire life, minus a 4 month long high school "romance". I know I am still young and I have plenty of years to find someone and I'm not worried about ending up alone. I've never been one to really complain a whole lot about being single either. I find plenty of other ways to keep my life fast-paced and busy. But hey, a girls got needs which simply can't be met by the single lifestyle and they are starting to really get to me. They are as follows:
1. I miss the emotional connection. I want someone to call late at night when I can't fall asleep, or someone that can make me feel better even on my worst days. I walk around the mall with my girlfriends and watch them purchase little gifts for their SOs and secretly wish to myself that I had someone to buy for just because I felt like it.
2. Crushes are not fun. Well at least not for me. I tend to crush on guys that are basically, well, perfect in every way and it never works out. I put them on a pedestal and thus am too intimidated by them to be able to be myself. So usually when I crush on someone I usually just end up depressed at the fact that it is never going to turn into a relationship.
3. I'm just not good at being single. People who are single for long periods of time tend to fit into one of two categories: either you reap the benefits of singlehood by sleeping with several partners and forgoing any serious commitment, or you are set on maintaining a pure, chaste lifestyle that you don't want a relationship to interfere with. I do not fall into either of those categories. I don't sleep around but I'm no perfect little church girl either. I'm not opposed to all forms of sexual activity, but I'm not going to mess around with just anyone either. Also, I am not flirty. I'm awkward and get really scared when a guy a semi-like shows interest in me.
Basically, if I could find someone to be in a good, healthy relationship with it would definitely ease these feelings and just make my life in general a little better. I've spent 19 years of life alone, I think it's time for someone to come along...
What do you think are the biggest pros and cons of singlehood?
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About the Author
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- From: meowmeow
- About Me: 20 yr old college student.
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Comments (43)
Wait. What about what you learn about yourself that you can't learn when you're with someone. Singleness isn't such a dismal place that we should toss it away so quickly. I admit, there are times I'd much rather have someone to hold me, but over all I don't think I'm less because I'm not with someone. We are relational people and there are ways to connect with your friends on that level. I think we should seek it in our friends before we seek it in the opposite sex anyways. Being single does suck sometimes, but it's not such a terrible state that I'd go to such great lengths to fix it right now. Overall, I don't see it as a huge struggle just one of those things in life that just is.
That was rambly and didn't make a lick of sense. Oh well.The biggest con, for me, is a lack of connection with someone (emotional, physical, sexual), but that's also the biggest pro because I can do what I want. Gallivanting around and goofing off kind of gives me an empty feel after a while, though, which is why I wouldn't mind dating someone now.
For people who do want a romantic relationship, I never understood this line of reasoning. I can understand you don't want to be alone, but the desire to be in a relationship could lead to some bad decisions in an effort to avoid being single. It can be annoying, yea, but you'll find someone eventually, a good someone.
As for me, I'm happy being single. :D No relationship frustrations for me, yah!
It's like I wrote this myself; I agree with all of that.
Being single means that you don't feel guilty when you see a guy you think is hot and start flirting with him, but then it also means that you have no one to come and hug you better when you need someone you love. I'm loathing being a single, but there's just not a guy who's right =/I actually prefer being single. Then, I don't have to feel guilty if I don't want to go out, I can spend more time on my music, none of the constant worrying about the other person getting jealous...I don't have to worry about someone who I thought I could trust turning on me or cheating on me. If I do meet someone cool, I'm free to try to start a relationship with them, whereas when I am already with someone, and someone interesting comes along, I can't try things with them without there being a huge mess. And it's nice to feel like I can truly be myself without being picked apart. (I know not all relationships are like that, but I think there's a little bit of that in most relationships.) And, since I realized I hate kissing, it's kind of nice I'm not expected to participate in an activity I find repulsive.
I guess the drawback is no sex, at least if you're not into sleeping around, which I'm not. I do miss the physical aspect of a relationship (minus the kissing), but the emotional connection part, I can just as easily get from good friends.
you gotta be happy with yourself -single- before you can pursue a successful relationship with someone. and you wont imagine what finds you when you arent looking.
i used to be extremely shy and awkward around guys too, but when i met my fiance i wasnt, i felt comfortable around him from the moment that i met him. look for signs like that.
I'M SINGLE... FOR A LITTLE OVER 4 YEARS AND I'M HAPPY STILL... BUT ALONG THE LINES IN THE NEAR FUTURE I WOULD LIKE TO BE WITH SOMEONE BUT I'M NOT IN A RUSH TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE AMOUNT OF SHIT ALREADY HAPPENING IN MY LIFE ALREADY... I DON'T GO AROUND SLEEPING AROUND WITH JUST ANYONE EITHER WITH ALL THE DISEASES OUT THERE NO THANKS! AND I'M NOT AT THAT POINT IN MY LIFE TO BE A PARENT YET! BUT I DO MEET NEW PEOPLE BUT I KEEP IT ON A FRIENDSHIP LEVEL AND NOTHING ELSE AND IF IT TURNS INTO SOMETHING THEN SO BE IT... BEING SINGLE I LEARNED A LOT ABOUT MYSELF AND WHILE I WAS IN A UNSTABLE RELATIONSHIP BEFORE THAT I GOT LOST IN IT AND A LOT OF THE RELATIONSHIP MADE ME LOSE MYSELF AND I WENT TO PLACES WHERE I DIDN'T WANT TO END UP AND I DID!
I THINK IT JUST DEPENDS ON THE PERSON AND THEIR MIND SET... I DON'T KNOW... BUT THAT'S MY 2 CENTS!
I didn't have my first boyfriend-girlfriend until my senior year of high school, and that only lasted two months. Personally, whenever I think about how much I want to date again, I remember all the stress and the constant burden of wondering if I'm doing everything right. In other words, I'm ok with being single.
First, to the question of the creator. One of the biggest pros is lack of drama. Whether you really fight with your SO or not, there are always little dramas you have to hear about or deal with. Also, while it's nice to have a steady relationship and all that, I really appreciate my quality time. Frankly, there are things I only do by myself which I really enjoy. Plus, when you're single, you can date around (not just sleep around if you don't want to). Meeting new people is always cool and I like seeing what else is out there.
Don't get me wrong, I believe that no man is an island so I see the downsides in being single too. First, are the annoying fucking questions. Anytime you see anyone that you haven't talked to in a while they ask if you're seeing anyone. Then of course they have to ask why not and it feels like you need to explain yourself. Hanging out with lots of friends who have SO's is kind of lame too. Not only are you feeling a little left out, but sometimes they all feel like they need to look out for you and try to find someone for you (because nothing makes you feel better than a pity party).
I don't really see anything wrong with either single or taken, sometimes when I'm single I wish I was taken and sometimes when I'm taken I wish I was single. Right now, I'm in a relationship happily, but if I was single next week, aside from the initial heartbreak, I wouldn't care too much.
To your story told here (this paragraph may make me sound like an asshole, but I believe in straight forward advice), you sound like you just need to get out of your shell. You know you're shy when guys like you, which tells me that guys have expressed interest... meaning guys are interested in you. Step one in getting a boyfriend, check. To help get past this, STOP PUTTING BOYS ON PEDESTALS. The only thing that belongs on those are superheroes. Believe me, they aren't perfect in every way, you just believe them to be. To me, it sounds like your whole problem is that you want to sit back and let this mythical boy find you because you're too afraid to put in the effort... but it doesn't work that way. Lastly, the grass is always greener, remember that. I've had several long term relationships and just got done with a two year stint of singlehood, it always looks better from the other side. Appreciate what you have. Oh, and nut up and start confronting these guys you like. Good luck.
bad relationship < being single < good relationship.
Pros: Independence, time to build network, time to become the best person you can be, etc.
Cons: Loneliness, Lack of emotional support & physical afffection, Lack of regular companionship etc.
being in a relationship is overrated.
i was like you until last year, single, and if i wasn't it didn't last past a couple days- 1 month. i celebrated my one year with my boyfriend last month.i dont know, i guess im cynical/jaded/etc and all that, but i find being in a relationship overrated and annoying after a point. i love him with all my heart, but seriously, its not worth the insanity he puts me through a good majority of the time.you can always have a best guy friend - but you gotta be sure tht u arent falling for him!
@theatrical_inebriation@xanga - i never understand that, you love him with "all your heart" but its not worth the insanity he puts you through ... either you DON't love him with all your heart, or he doesnt deserve all your heart.
people toss around that phrase like just anyone can get all the love in your heart without even trying
you are only saying that because you have been single all your life.
i don't think i had my first serious relationship until i was 19. being single for now is totally fine. And how do you if a guy likes you? does he tell you directly? or do you just feel it?
i have always remembered to act the same way as i have from the very beginning unless i was told they felt a certain way towards me. i'm sure you felt only awkward around them because you don't really see them as a guy of interest. technically not your type. but you know what, for now, maybe you should go for that, and then it will go along smoothly after.
That sums it up right there.
Oh gosh. I really loved being single, in that I could do whatever I wanted, flirt with whomever I cared to, be with whoever I wished without having to evaluate whether it was inappropriate. It was freedom.
That being said, I love the other freedoms and enjoyments that come with being in a relationship. I'm definitely happy with it.
This almost creepily describes my life to a T. Which unfortunately means that you already listed my pros and cons :P
Pro- You can fulfill your own dreams without considering other people (college, permanent residence, travels, etc.)
Not that that's too exciting.
Pros: Learning to deal with any and all loneliness completely on your own (minus the help of friends/family), and learning to be self-sufficient to the point where you don't see being single as a "burden" or as @ccarothers@xanga said- "such a dismal place". It's just something that happens--A LOT. If you're not in a relationship, you're.... single! Some people also grow to believe that people don't always need each other romantically, but honestly, I can only speak for myself with that. You learn to keep yourself happy.
Cons: Snuggling/kissing/ is fun. Being loved is... great. Having active plans a good portion of the time with a "special person" is both entertaining and comforting. Most of the time you won't be getting this outside of a relationship, unless you're just not into relationships and you're getting it anyway--nothing wrong with that.
By the by... I just wanted to add that there are more than 2 categories of people who remain single... =P For instance (again, speaking from personal experience), the people who are still in love with someone else, content to live on their own and uninterested in dating at the moment, and/or have not found anyone they have enough feelings for to date them. Or maybe circumstances just haven't allowed. Sooooo many reasons for being single--don't discount them, don't fear them, and don't rule them out of your life. Being on your own is something that, in my opinion, everyone should learn how to do well. :)
....bah, I forgot that html applies here. Alright, *snuggling/kissing/*you fill in the rest here* is fun. Whatever physical activities you prefer.
I agree with 1 and 2 but 3 is a generalization. I am single and I have yet to sleep with anyone. And I've only been with my ex so.... Being single does suck at times but it's good at times too. :)
I'm fine single or not. I don't know, if one person cannot handle being single, that person cannot be ready to be in a relationship either. That's what I think at least based on my experiences and my friends'. When you're confident with yourself and know how to take care of yourself, it helps.
My observations and limited personal experience are that people who have made peace with being single and are able to enjoy singlehood are the ones who end up in much more satisfying relationships. Maybe because if you're already happy, you don't need to settle for anyone who doesn't add to your happiness or brings too much drama (and it's unhappiness) into your life.
That said, I'm two months single myself and know how intense the longing for someone special can be. I'd recommend trying to get involved in things that you will enjoy. If you're happy and getting to be around people, you'll be more attractive to others.
pros of singlehood: freedom to be happy for the sake of happiness, not dependent on another person
cons of singlehood: loneliness and nobody to waste your cell phone minutes on when you want someone to listen to you talk about your feelings
pros of being in a relationship: comforting body warmth and someone to go places with to share a giant soda with at the movies
cons of being in a relationship: entrapment if he becomes jealous and bossy