Friday, 11 December 2009
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My Ex is Engaged; Can We Still Be Friends?
Last night, I was constantly checking my e-mail in hopes that one of my new crushes would respond to my message.
Instead, I was shocked at what I saw.I had received a message from one of my exes, Jason, entirely out of the blue. I always wondered if he ever thought about me after we stopped talking for a while but I never bothered to send him a message. I guess I got my answer. It wasn't a nasty break up or anything, we just got busy with our own things.The message just asked how I was doing; we hadn't spoken since February of this year. Since that time, he got himself engaged so I thought it was kind of weird of him to be wondering how I am doing. Do you agree?I really would like to be friends considering it wasn't a serious relationship in the first place, but I'm not sure if that can happen now since he has a fiancée.He told me the next time he would talk to me/hang out with me was when I got a boyfriend, but I don't even have feelings for him, haven't in a long time...so I was double shocked with the message because I am still single.Has anyone else been in my situation, and were you able to be friends whether or not you had a significant other or your ex is going out with someone else, more specifically...engaged?I'm just not sure how to go about this because I prefer not to speak to the person he is going out with now. I feel it would be awkward, but I wouldn't mind if I was just friends with him without meeting the person he's with because I think she would get the wrong idea.
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Comments (30)
Just don't be friends with him. He's got his priorities, and they're not you. Plenty of potential friends out there.
She's going to get the wrong idea if you don't want to meet her! you can't "just be friends with him" behind her back. WTF? It's like you're TRYING to cause problems. I'm pretty sure you do still have feelings for him, even if you're not aware of it consciously (although, I'm pretty sure you are). Leave him alone.
Um, wow. I'm kind of surprised people have been bashing you in the comments as though this is your fault he asked to be friends.
However, I do think it would be wise to not become overly close. His fiance will feel threatened by you, even if you mean absolutely no harm. If you were in a relationship, it would be a little different. To her, it may seem a little aggressive on your part.
I would wait to move to the friends level until you are in a relationship as well, to be honest. You can still talk occasionally, but I wouldn't encourage meeting up for lunch sometime unless he brings his fiance along, too. Email is good if you have to keep in touch because it can stay fairly impersonal and you don't have to talk all the time.
Good luck! I think it's very wise of you to be considering things in this light. Better to be safe and keep your distance than cause problems between an otherwise happy couple, even if it's not on purpose.
:)
You pretty much have to know her to know him. Otherwise, she'll get all the wrong ideas. My husband talks to exes sometimes..I don't care. But, only because he's not trying to hide it from me. If he was being all secretive (like his fiance will think he's doing if he hangs out with you without telling her), I'd be concerned.
But he's a smart man for saying you should have a boyfriend first. I'm not saying he shouldn't have single female friends..but it's a lot easier to hang out with people who're in a relationship when you're in one as well. Whether they're male or female.
It's going to create problems if you don't meet her. You can cause a lot of damage to their relationship and you don't want that... do you? Either be willing to be friends with both of them or keep your distance. You're going to cause a lot of grief otherwise, believe me. Good luck with whatever you choose.
I've never had an ex so I wouldn't know. But I'll take a wild guess. I don't think his gf would want you contacting him. His intentions sound a bit sketchy as well.
@not_izzy@xanga - haha yep yep....I'll put a wager on it that it's worst an idea trying to hide the friendship rather than meet the fiance/wife straight up. You'll be giving the impression that you have something to hide, and that's going to mess with his marriage before it has even begun. She's more likely to get the wrong idea that way. I'd stay clear, it's hardly worth the drama that's about to ensue if you do decide to pursue this.
Go be friends with him if you like. Meet his fiancée too for that matter. I don't think she'll bite.
I really don't see a real problem here. Plenty of people in my particular group of friends are exes of one or the other and their current SOs don't see anything wrong with it.
Yeah... so if you're not going to spend the rest of your life with him, why bother wasting your time?
Ex'es are lame. Friends are okay. Lovers are awesome.
Since you haven't even spoken since Feb and you have no feeling's for the guy anymore... I think you could let this one pass.
I think you're being pretty mature about this, thinking through all the things that point in that direction where you know it's a bad idea to meet up - even though it "would be nice" to be friends.
It would save you a lot of drama in the future too.
And it's very normal to just wonder how someone is doing from time to time :)
i'm still friends with my exes...well two of them but i don't see any harm in it if you're over him.
I agree that it'd look suspicious if you become friends with him and avoid meeting his fiance.
no. you're setting yourself up for this one. why do you want to be friends with him again? are you even over this guy? what'd wrong with meeting his fiancee if you're REALLY over him?
I am wondering the fact why is he contacting you now that he's "engaged"? What are his intentions, to make you jealous?
its only awkward if you make it that way. if you want to be friends, why not? it wasn't serious relationship anyway
Tough situation, you want to be friends with him, but not his fiance because you don't want her to get the wrong idea about your friendship with him, but look at from her point of view (or that of an outsider), by not wanting to be friends with her, it makes you look guilty, like you are after him.
The only way males and females can be friends when one or both is in a relationship whether they ever dated or not, whether there was ever feeling from one to the other is if the "just friends" friends (in this case you and your ex) don't hide your friendship and INCLUDE the other people in your lives (his fiance).
As a rule I am not one to say that guys can't be friends with girls/ex-girlfriends even when it makes the new girlfriend uncomfortable, because sometimes the new girlfriend is just insecure and will be that way no matter what, so my rules for guy/girl friendships when one or both has a SO. You have to be friendly to them, and include them in plans, if you have feelings for that person and hope to get them for yourself or you flirt with them you need to back off and go away. If they flirt with you, tell them to stop. And if one of the SO is uncomfortable with the friendship, and it isn't them just being jealous or insecure then you also need to end it. If they are just being jealous and insecure then they need to realize that men and woman can be just friends.
WOW...ii feel like ii can relate to your situation totally. I was dating this guy for 2years and we broke up bacK in January...had not tlKd to him since then and he hits me up on my cellphone asKin "how ii have been" beginning of November. I was a little shocKed but anxious at the same time to speaK to him and see how he was doing. Long story short ii went to see him at his new town home two days after thanKsgiving and we h00Ked up. He does have a g/f and has been with her since feb. (a month after we broke up) ...yeh ii Know. Anyways ii have no intentions of getting bacK with him b/c he has this g/f who treats him liK shit and its actually quite interesting. I mean if ii wanted to ii could be an evil bitch and tell his g/f we h00Ked up and ruin his whole relationship more then it is...but ii realized ii dont care that much...and the sex was not even g00d liK it was when we were together....haha why would ii want to go baK to that.!
Apparently he and his new woman are not doing so hot or he would have never contacted you.Tell him that ship ailed and it's better to find others that would treat you fairly and not just as a "whenever" friend!
Men (even married men) can have friends that are girls. It sounds like he misses hanging out with you, maybe? If she gets the wrong idea that is her problem, not yours. You said yourself that you don't like him and she should trust him. I would go hang out, get some coffee, catch up. There is no rule saying you have to go spend all day with him and pretend like you're some old crush of his. Just be friendly and see where it leads you!
lol the picture to this had me thinking you banged him while he was engaged until i read the thread. he wants you to have a b.f b4 you guys hang out b.c his partner will feel less thretend, if he talks to an ex who's taken, If you just befriend him, and blow off his partner, and for what ever reason she finds out, will probably mean crap for you, especially if she doesnt want him talking to an ex, personally i am a girl who doesnt want my b.f talking to his One of his ex's, 1. b.c she cheated him 7 times, used him for his house, 2. b.c she tried to get him back with baggage, after that he completely cut ties with her, with my pushing as well.
If you befriend his g.f or atleast try to, & asure her you arent trying to sack him, b.c some girls can be bitches, even when the ex is harmless. It will look to your ex that your trying to accept his partner, and he will appreciate it, as his partner might to.
I really liked this guy and we dated for some time, and then i was stupid and ended it for some reason i can't remember. I hated my self for a long time cause i wanted to still be with him, he had a girlfriend at the time and i just recently started talking to him again this past summer, that girlfriend he had like 4 years ago was still his girlfriend now we were talking and stuff and i thought i was actually going to be friends with him when out of the blue he replied we can't talk anymore and im like what why?? and hes like because i have a girlfriend and it wouldn't be right and im like why wouldn't it be right because i don't like you and you don't like me obviously and hes like when i get single, I'll talk to you....which is really interesting to me it seems like if a guy says that he doesn't want the temptation of having a single girl there that he had feelings for in the past. If you had a boyfriend it would be less of the temptation
i think he feels smothered with an engagement and wants to sleep around a little more and hitting up ex's is an easy way to do that subtly.
I also have an ex named Jason, which makes me lol. He's married now. Although we don't talk to each other much, being friends would be okay for the both of us. What's weird is that I became friends with his wife, whom I talk to way more often than I talk to him. Perhaps you should try to become friends with your ex's fiancee, especially since you say you don't have feelings for him anymore.
@atmaster@xanga - That makes no sense being that it was his decision to become engaged in the first place. Don't you think that if he felt smothered he'd break up with the girl rather than become engaged to her?
She'll probably get the wrong idea either way, but being non threatening and understanding might help your situation. Honestly, I've usually been sleeping with my exes while they had new gfs. Slutty? Yes. Do I feel bad? Sometimes. Did I get caught? Fuckno.