Thursday, 10 December 2009
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The "Great Wall" Around My Heart
I'm one of "those" people. I put up huge walls that I expect people to climb over to get into the real me. I'm perceived as an open person, but actually I'm not at all. The person that everyone thinks I am is just the person I let everyone see. Of course, my friends and family know me. But on a romantic level, no one will know me.
I have had two relationships (if you would like to call them that.) The first, was very unhealthy. I was obsessed with this guy, and would cry if we weren't together. The second, was abusive. He stalked me, called me terrible names, and would take advantage of me. After that, I felt as if walls were needed.
The point is: there is one person who always seems to get very close to the top of my wall. He's a full of himself jerk, but I want to let him in every time he shows me any sort of attention. Today, for example, he decided he wanted to talk to me. I saw the instant message and immediately got butterflies. We talked about nothing in particular, but I smiled for the whole 45ish minutes of the conversation.
At first glance, there seems to be no problem. He makes me happy, go for it. But there's more to this story.
We had sex a few months back. Long story short, my wall went up and I'm assuming his did too because we started to fight all the time, and eventually stopped all ties with each other. Now, we actually do talk again on occasion. Those occasions are: When he's bored, If we're in a room together, If my best friend whom he's in love with is not around. But, when he does talk to me, I welcome him in with open arms.
So, I guess my point is, why do I feel the need to let him into my life? Should I even bother letting him in? What would you do in this situation?
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About the Author
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- From: Believe_InMe
- About Me: I'm an 18 year old girl that enjoys expressing how I feel. I like to see everyone's opinion on what I have to say too. I always have controversial views and will never hold back.
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Comments (20)
Hell no! Find someone who is emotionally availble and who is not just using you. You really dont want to put your foot back into that shit. Sorry for putting it this way(Metaphorically of course), but your just going to end up feeling awful over it in the end - meaning smelling and feeling like shit for someone who wont be bothered if they hurt you. If i ever got into this situation (which i doubt i would) but never say never. I wouldn't go any further with this guy because for me it would be a waste of time and i would need and want someone who really does care about me as much as i care about them, not just behind closed doors when it suits them. You can do so much better.
I also tend to put up walls, but no one has really ever climbed over it and i would like to keep it that way until i dont need to anymore.
Well, do you think there's possibly anything positive to be gained from letting him back in? Do his intentions seem romantic or platonic? Could he just be interested in sex and nothing more?
People seem to get paranoid after having sex. Does that person just see you as a sex object or as a human being deserving of love? However, I don't know if you're talking about letting him in romantically or as a friend (I would guess the latter based on his "love" for your best friend).
I guess it all comes down to whether he's a jackass or not. If he is, don't even bother.
Anyway, it's hard to for me to suggest anything without knowing the guy's character. Generally, my rule is "don't have sex," but I can't judge people who feel differently. It just seems to complicate certain relationships immensely.
If he's in love with your best friend, then where can you see yourself? Don't settle for second choice and don't let yourself be fooled that him wanting to talk to you and have sex with you is love. It's anything but...
@quicksandbuddy@xanga - I know he only wants friendship. And all he does is talk about me, and how he doesn't want me. But behind closed doors, he'll text me to hangout and will flirt. He pretty much sees me as a sex object, but lately I've been trying to be myself around him so he'll see the real me.
I guess this can be my fault, in a way. I heard that he had a crush on me, but when we talked I always took it to the next level and would push hooking up. When we finally did, we stopped talking.
If you refer to my post titled "That Guy" you may understand why I pushed sex onto him.
I know me, and I know I'm going to let him back in. I'll just see how it goes though; I'm sure I'll have another post about him!
@Believe_InMe - "And all he does is talk about me, and how he doesn't want me. But behind closed doors..." That should be enough to tell you he's no good. If he was an honest person, he'd be more consistent.
Also, I did read that other post. It's disgusting what crap some guys will put girls through just for sex.
@quicksandbuddy@xanga - I know. You're 100% correct. I'm just a silly 18 year old girl. I'm just going to see how life unfolds, you know? I have no great expectations for love except that I want to be treated nicely. At the age of 18 there is no need to rush anything :D
you have a wall up to keep out assholes, but you're considering letting this one in anyway? doesn't that defy the point of the original wall? and then what, you're gonna have to add barbed wire or something to the top of that wall, and then some BIGGER asshole will climb over that...
why don't you wait until someone worthy comes and politely knocks on the door?
Wow, you sound like a younger version of myself...kinda scary! I used to be the exact same way. I dated a few people here and there, but after a few assholes and a few abusive guys I was always so guarded. I had a couple of very serious relationships, but they always resulted in me getting scared away and putting my wall right back up all over again. For a while I just did my thing, let loose and lived for me, emotionless with no ties to any one guy. It was fun and great while it lasted, but I had to grow up eventually, right? I ended up accidentally falling in love, lol...
I don't know what it is about the asshole guys that always seem to draw us toward them, but there comes a point when you just realize that you're better than they are and that you're not going to jump through hoops for them anymore. In my case, it was this guy who refused to be in an actual relationship but had to no problem calling me at 3:00 in the morning to hook up. I got butterflies everytime we were together and it was always so good... ;) But eventually I got over him and realized that I was better than that. No girl should let a guy treat her like she's nothing but a toy. (If anything, we should treat them that way! Lol..jk...kind of.) =p
Funny, I'm in basically the exact same position. All I can say is let him go! He may care, but the point is whatever you guys have or don't have doesn't matter. He likes your friend not you, most likely he's just using you to get to her. Let him go.
I think you've already acknowledged your own answers. You really dont need any of us to tell you that its a bad idea. I think maybe you're trying to find that one person to say it's ok and let him in? But based on solely what you wrote, he wont treat you right. Matter of the fact is that he doesnt see you in that way if he "loves" your best friend. Good guys dont love the best friends...they love you. In every sense of the word...ditch the bitch.
And you mention that you're young, and you dont need to rush into anything...damn straight, haha. Plenty of other dudes out there for you. Take it easy, and you'll find the one who'll pummel your wall.
beats me.
Walls are up for a reason, to keep out people like him.
Send armies out to protect your wall! D< Keep him out lol.
My guess is that you're looking for that same level of emotional comfort he gave to you when you let him through that wall at some point in your life. It's hard in particular to say "Get back on the other side." Trust me when I say that it will never be the same. However, just because it will never be the same does not mean that it still won't benefit you. For instance, you experienced something not many people can experience when you let him in. Love, joy, security, spontaneity, whatever you want to call it. What you have to understand is that it's probably going to happen again. However... It is how you handle it next time that sets you apart from the rest. Life is a series of moments I like to say, however corny it may be. You can't live life without making the best of them.
maybe there's something about him that reminds you in a good way of the other boys you were together with. you fell for them, and things probably started off great, and that may be what's going on with this guy. it's familiar, and it's comfortable. this time around, though, you know it's no good because he's a full-of-himself jerk, he's in love with someone else, and he only is interested when you are the only convenient option for him. wait for someone worth it whom you respect and who respects you equally.
@Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga - I absolutely love your last line.
You shouldn't be letting this guy in. Don't settle for second best. He's using you one way or the other. Either coz he's using you to get to you're friend, sex or because he can't get you're friend. You have walls up for a reason. Not to let jerks like that over it. I know what it's like. I let a jerk through my wall before and my wall just got harder and harder to climb over for other guys. You're best just waiting till someone nice comes along.
Walk, no run away from this jerk. It is a one sided relationship if the only time he talk to you or im you is when he is feeling alone, or the person he really loves is not around. You deserve to have someone in your life who wants you and only you. Not only when the bad things are happening in his life but when the good things are happening too.
hmm, but hes in love with ur best friend, if u ever did shit with him, or dated him again, wouldnt u care if that hurt her? does she feel the same way back?, then again if you were the first to have him, even if its just sleeping together, back when i had best friend who were girls, instead of my remaining friends to be guys, we had this friendship boundary thing, that wasnt even spoken, but we never messed with any dude a good friend had dated, slept with, or really always secretly wanted. but i guess times changed.