Wednesday, 09 December 2009

  • Before I Get Married...


    My boyfriend proposed to me November 19th of this year on our two year anniversary. Since then we talked about actually getting married a few times but we don't have a date set or anything like that yet. I guess what I think is the typical length of time to be engaged is a year, or a little longer. He asked my thoughts on when we should get married. Now, I have some health issues that I would like to get figured out first so I'm able to work and support myself before starting my life with someone else. The only thing is, I have no idea when I will feel better.

    I have something called Dysautonomia. There is no cure for it and it's a long, tiring process to get the symptoms under control. So I tell my fiance this. Saying that I want to get things figured out more before we get married. He tells me that that shouldn't play a huge role in when we get married because it might be something that I'll always have to deal with. So I'm saying maybe 2 years from now, he was thinking around 1 year. My main concern is not being able to work right now. I don't want to go from living at home with no job to moving in with my fiance/husband in the same situation. I just don't think that's right or fair to him..Or balanced out at all.

    Now, my fiance is very very understanding about everything with me and isn't pressuring me into getting married or anything like that. I'm just curious how long of an engagement you've had, or what you would do in my situation? I know people are always changing and things happen, but do you think having a job and being able to support yourself 100% is a must before getting married?

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Comments (34)

  • steph

    At least for me, being stable on my own financially has to happen before I marry anyone.
  • lewk@xanga

    I don't think it's essential at all. Part of being married should be that you can depend on one another, right?
  • coolmonkey@xanga

    If you can't take care of yourself before you take care of others, you're most certainly going to fail.
  • salvatruca_stalking_havok13@xanga

    I think it would be great if you made sure you were stable financially before getting married. I don't see relationships as needing to be dependent outside of the emotional area really and in case anything bad happens (NOT THAT I'M SAYING ANYTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN; IT'S JUST GOOD TO TAKE PRECAUTIONS IS ALL), you can be ready for it. Also, I hope you can find a way to manage the symptoms of what you have. It must be very hard for you. :(
  • whitetrashpoet@xanga

    I got extremely ill three weeks after my wedding, hahaha. We've been married just about 8 months now...my illness has only gotten worse. But my husband's been so amazing - if anything, this has made our marriage so strong. I'm positive we can handle just about anything else life throws at us.

    You're not a diseased person, you're a person with a disease - don't let your condition rule your life. My best friend has a form of dysautonomia, POTS. She definitely has trouble, but her boyfriend helps her out a lot.

    Also - best thing about being married is that my husband is allowed to visit me in the hospital at all times, be informed of my condition, talk to my doctors, etc. Don't know if that's important to you but it's soooo helpful for me. I'd go crazy otherwise.
  • mi_piaci

    @coolmonkey@xanga - that was harsh and uncalled for. she's not going to fail and it doesn't sound like she can't take care of herself just that she wants to be more financially stable and have some kind of job security

    personally, i want to start my career before i get married. sometimes i wish i dont have that requirement cause i want to be in the place where i'll be in a couple of years from now, instead of both of us being unemployed recent college grads...
    but if your fiance is financially stable and has a good job then i could see, with your situation, getting married before you are ready to work, as long as you are ready to get married
  • whitetrashpoet@xanga

    @whitetrashpoet@xanga - So I didn't really say what I meant to conclude with - you could get married with a perfect job and your own house and pristine health, and all that could crumble around you the day after your wedding. You don't need to be rich or debt free or perfectly healthy to be married - you need a partner who loves you and will support you no matter what is going on in your life. Get married because you're ready to get married, not because you have x amount of money in the bank.
  • iiinfinitesimal@xanga

    why didn't he know about your condition before you got engaged?
  • excruciatingperfection@xanga

    Being perfectly financially sound isn't the idea, it's being ready for emergencies and hard times that's the most important. Lots of poor people get married and make it out in the long run, and lots of rich people get married and somehow lose their finances at the first sign of trouble. It's possible stability over financial 'perfection'. 
  • bgibbs11@xanga

    I think the most important thing is that you're comfortable with the timing. In my opinion, it'd be a good idea to have a job and be on your way to financial stability when you get married, but it isn't necessary to be 100% financially sound- especially if you don't think it'll be a problem to the health of your relationship. :)
  • DaRkFaiRy314@xanga

    Im doing exactly what you WANT to do. THe answer is if u want to marry him. Just make it a long engagement! My high school sweetheart and now Long distance relationship bf proposed to me in our third year of college this year on Valentines day. We plan to get married after he finishes Undergraduate pilot training in the Air Force. By then we would both be mature enough and personally ready with our separate lives and have accomplished our personal goals. We plan on earliest Summer 2012. Still a ways away but we know We want to be together. So its no problem for us! I am graduating in two days so Now im gonna go work and live with parents until i can sustain myself independently. and maybe go get a masters degree. He will graduate from the sir force academy in May and after that he begins pilot training for a year or so. We predict by then, well be done with our separate stuff and ready to combine our lives because we are in love and have been since we were 13 and we know we want to spend the rest of our lives together. we are 21 now :) so well be married earliest at 23/24. <3 you can do it.
  • snikip296@xanga

    Being stable is important. I think you should do it when you both are ready. I know I would. Which I consider a year a long enough wait. You have to do what you feel you have to. Goodluck with whatever you do decide.

  • LoveMeDeux@xanga

    Honestly I just plan to mooch off of the person I marry. If we're ready lets just go to Vegas.
  • NadoAngel@xanga

    My boyfriend and I have been engaged since March, but we havent gotten deep into wedding planning. I wanted to graduate college first (which is this coming May) and then we'll probably take another year to actually plan the wedding. There's nothing wrong with a long engagement. 

    I agree that you should do things at your own speed. Marriage isnt anything you want to rush into before you are really ready. And i think in some circumstances its best to be able to support yourself before marriage. However, if your fiance is in a position where he can comfortably support the both of you then I wouldnt be so concerned about it, as long as he's ok with that. If you two couldnt comfortably live with just his input then I can understand where your concern lies. Just do whatever you feel is right for you two. Like I said, there's nothing wrong with a long engagement, but if you're secretly holding off on marriage for any other reason then I would think twice about it. 
  • mintgreenpearl@xanga

    Get married.
    You love him, he loves you, he wants to spend the rest of his life with you "for better or for worse" and you never know what might happen.  Heck, he could get sick or lose his job, life will never be your ideal.  Enjoy your life, God will take care of you in the end.

    Life is full of "ifs" "ands" and "buts".  You'll always find another reason not to get married if you worry too much.
  • alterEGGO@xanga

    seems to me it is all about you and what you really want. Weigh the pros and cons, talk with him about it and realize that this may never get better but you could be with him. Ask him if it is important to him but most of all make sure you don't \ stress so much that it affects the way you and he communicate. Or worse get sicker.


    Sounds like he is wanting to jump in with both feet because he loves you with your condition and you feel not what you envisioned for yourself when you were a girl dreaming of this day.


    Hope you get some clarity for yourself and peace knowing you are doing what is best for you and your future hubby!
  • secretnotestomyself@xanga

    you're being smart and safe.

    go in with at least a good amount of financial security.who gives a damn how long it takes to get married?it shouldn't.money issues are the number one reason for divorce.don't ruin your relationship with un-solid foundation.
  • sillywilly_me@xanga

    well, it looks like your husband has faith in you that you will succeed. and that you both will succeed together too.

  • lesslikemath@xanga

    honestly?  if i were in your situation, i'd call off the engagement.
  • xSerendipity713x@xanga

    @whitetrashpoet@xanga - That's true. Thanks for the comment. :)

    @iiinfinitesimal@xanga - He did know about it. That's why I said he's been very very understanding.

    @mintgreenpearl@xanga - Yeah, you're right. Thanks. :)
  • FireYourBoss@xanga

    I think at this stage, I wouldn't worry too much about is it fair to him or not. If either of you were a petty person, then I would have my doubts, but I don't think that is the case here. He seems confident about everything and that could be reason enough to consider his views more.
  • UnopenedSuitcases@xanga

    make sure you're financially stable first. but as for health, as long as you're taking precautions for it and you're tkaing care of yourself, then dont think about it
  • NonnieGirl@xanga

    I think job security is a good idea, but if you're meant to be together, things will work themselves out-irregardless of whether you have a job or not. And I think typical engagements are about a year to two years. My bf and I are the exception though-We're getting engaged next Novemeber and we're getting married June1 st of the same year because he's in the Navy. How long you want to be engaged is up to you!
  • socialite_baby@xanga

    My engagement was 9 months. It originally started out at 14 months, but we changed the date.


    I didn't have a job before I got married. My husband was financially sound on his own and we decided I didn't need to work. I did end up getting a part time job about 6 months after we tied the knot, but only because I got bored being a housewife! I'm currently not working right now though.
    I think it all really depends on the job you have. If you went to school for this then yeah, keep it. If it really doesn't matter and you end up having to quit it won't be a big loss.
  • lilsw3etvietgurl@xanga

    It's everyone's wish to be financially stable and totally set before they get married. But is your financial standing something that will make your marriage work? No, it is the effort you and your fiance put together to make it work.


    But IDK, that's coming from a person who think marriage is just a piece of paper.

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