I read
this post on Datingish today and it reminded me of some advice I'd heard many times before: If you're not in the mood for sex, do it anyway and your body will catch up. Ugh. I hate that advice and I have a story to explain to you just why.
You see, once upon a time a few years back, my boyfriend and I were in a sexual slump. That is, the sex wasn't as exciting and I was having more trouble getting in the mood than usual. Some health-care professional told me that if I just went ahead and had sex, even if I wasn't all that interested, that my hormones would get a jump-start and our sex life would get back to normal.
So, wanting to please my boyfriend, I dutifully started having sex when I wasn't interested. It didn't work the first time, so I tried again. And guess what? It didn't work the second time, or the third, or the fourth. Eventually sex became a chore for me. It was just another thing on my to-do list and the fact that I had to make time for it 2 or 3 times a week even when I didn't feel like it made it even less appealing than it had previously been. Of course, I eventually called the advice bull and quit doing it. But to this day, even when I am in the mood, I still have this negative association of sex and responsibility in my psyche, and I can no longer fully enjoy sex because of it.
I found the "just do it" advice to be unhelpful and even counterproductive. If your libido is low, I suggest having your SO seduce you to get you in the mood or even just waiting it out for a better time.
So, Xangans, I want to hear it from you. Have you ever heard this advice before and, if so, have you followed it? Did it work for you? If you haven't tried this before, do you think you can "just do it" and get in the mood or are you with me and think that it's a bad idea?
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Comments (36)
Hmm, I have heard this advice but it actually does work for me. If my fiance is in the mood and I'm not completely, usually it just takes a little kissing and *ahem* touching, and I'm pretty ready to go too. Maybe it wasn't just a physical/libido thing, but an emotional one too maybe?
Women are like men as well. We can "not get it up" and sometimes sex can hurt because we're not in the mood!
If I'm not in the mood I'm not in the mood. Go masturbate. I don't mind.
If you're in a slump, try new things. Try seducing your partner. Think up an elaborate plan to dress sexy and dance for him, that might get you in the mood. Get your mind ready and your body will too.
I do it all the time, but your case is different - this advice is best for couples where one person is horny at 9 am but the other isn't horny until 9 pm, you know? You sound like you just weren't ever in the mood, which is different, and usually means there's something else going on.
And as far as "just do it", generally the foreplay is what puts me in the mood. If I'm not in the mood and my husband wants sex he doesn't just pop it in - he realizes I may not be there yet and attempts to get me in the mood, and it works probably 9 times out of 10. And if it doesn't work, generally I'll do something to please him instead, or sometimes we just cuddle and go to sleep. If you're not in the mood, definitely don't just lie back and throw your legs up - make him work for it a little. I mean, that may sound a little callous, but let's be real: if he wants sex, and his options are no sex, or give the lady a good thorough round of foreplay and then get some, he's probably going to do the latter. Not being in the mood can cause a heck of a lot of pain and that is NO fun - if that's the case I feel terrible for you, I imagine that would be so hard to break from recalling that every time you have sex. I hope things get better for you. I've definitely given this advice, but I mean it in the context I stated above, absolutely, and I try to make sure I explain it that way when I give the advice.
For people who suffers from shy, inhibitions can have the online dating and they can easily acqantain themselves through it. Dating Advice
your SO probaby just didn't know how to please you. :T
Try these : Spice up the bedroom, change the sheets, light a couple of candles, watch a sexy movie. ~ Take a bubblebath. ~ Try making out/having sex in other rooms in the apartment/house. If you always get it on in the bedroom, try the living room, or kitchen table. ~ Go to a shop like Lover's Lane, and see if there's anything there that gets you excited/interested/aroused ~ Get it on outdoors, like in a tent in the backyard? ~ Find out what get's you aroused, like for instance eating certain fruits gets me ready for love making... ~ try different times of day at night vs early morning. ~ leave each other sexy notes, make a date outta sex. ~ try quickies ~ tell your lover what you want while your doing it, or even a few hours before you are both going to get it on.
The idea really is just to think about love-making as more than just a chore, you have to be interested, and there's all kinds of things you can do to get your spark going again... good luck! ~ Lar
It's probably just a mental thing. Girls are mental. Well, I suppose that could go either way -- But anyways. I've found that girls tend to get more worked up over thoughts more than anything. The next closest thing to that is touching. Sometimes playing works, but overall it seems to only help after the first two things.
On the other hand, guys are more visual than mental, and touching works better on guys that girls usually. Guys are usually easier when it comes to these things anyways.
On focus though, sex should not be a chore. If it does, you should probably re-evaluate what you guys may be doing wrong, and maybe even try something new. With all the strange and messed up products in the world, you should be able to find something that could possibly help. If not, then I suppose you can just wait and see if anything happens that way. Maybe you just don't find your partner that appealing anymore.
Either way, it's a two way thing. If you aren't willing to give it your all, then what is the point in doing it? It seems he wants to, but you don't. I guess thats the problem you are having, though. Suggest some things to him, or brainstorm. If you try hard enough, and want it enough, you should be able to come up with something.
@blufrogz37@xanga - Tent. I personally recommend. ;D
I'll give that advice to girls trying to get guys in the mood but not the other way around. The guy needs more physical stimulation than mental or emotional to get into the mood (not that emotional and mental stimulation aren't necessary, just not as necessary as it is for women). If a girls mind isn't into it even if her body jump starts her mind will just ruin the experience for her. Also if you just simply don't want sex at any time then doing that isn't going to help. In the last post it was about not being in the mood at a certain time of the day but being in the mood at other times, so that means you're still having a healthy sexual relationship just not a 24 hour a day sexual urge.
Bad advice from your counselor or whoever. I've been in a rutt before, and would just have sex with my gf to please her even though I didn't really feel like having it. Then we stopped altogether, after a while it came back and we were back to normal though. It's pretty normal to happen in long term relationships.
for the "just do it" approach to work, two things are important. First, your partner has to be capable of satisfying you in the first place. This doesn't mean that you have to have absolutely perfect sexual chemistry, or that your partner has to be amazing in bed. What it means primarily is that you need to have open communication. You don't have to make lists of what works and what doesn't, but even in the heat of the moment, positive feedback is a huge bonus, and, properly stated, even negative feedback is helpful. Let your partner know what works and what doesn't.
Secondly, you have to try to make it work. for both men and women, sex is an extremely mental activity, but for women even more. You have to be willing to set aside all of the bullshit and just try. If you're not turned on, focus on the things that do turn you on. Think of all of the things you would rather be doing instead of paying the mortgage and taking the dog to the vet.
If you work to put yourself in the right mindset, and help your partner know how to keep you there, this method will work a lot better. If you go into it every time thinking it is a chore, then it will always be a chore.
$0.02
just open your legs
=/
Actually, I have never heard of that. Huh, learn something new every day...
i've tried it and it sucks.. it's like you're not there at all and all the time the only thing on my mind was ' is he almost over or what?'
I agree with some of the above commenters, if you're never in the mood, this will not work. I am almost always in the mood, but in the rare cases that I am not super feeling it, I will still have sex anyways, and a few minutes in, I'm glad I did. But, if you're just never into it, yes, that will create problems.
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@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - lol
Yes and yes. Yes. I expect the same from him and get it, even though he's rarely not in the mood for it haha. Just when he's super drunk. Then I can take advantage of him. =]
Usually if the sex itself isn't appealing to me, the thought of feeling so close with him always turns me on.
ehh usually the "just do it" approach works for me... if sex is the farthest thing from my mind, but my boyfriend starts kissing and touching me, it may take me a little while to get into the mood, but it usually ends up pretty dang good... as long as im not tired or sick or something. otherwise no it doesnt work.
When I was married, I never wanted sex.I was under obligation, so I did it, but it sucked. I never caught into it. It was a chore. To be serious, Id be thinking of other chores while having sex. The last time I had sex with my husband I was thinking about which candle I was going to light at a party, and how I wanted to set up for easter.
Although now its different.If I dont want to sleep with the guy I see now, I still do and I really do catch up.
it works for me. maybe its your attitude towards doing it?
Maybe it was the person... do you have an idea of what your perfect sexual experience would be like? Find someone who can do that... or someone who you can tell your fantasy to.
I wonder if sex is absolutely necessary to make a relationship work. Just putting that thought out there.
i've never heard of it before but i'm always in the mood to have sex whether or not he's in the mood. i never have a problem asking him if he wants to have sex either. if i'm in the mood, i'll make sure he's also in the mood.