Tuesday, 08 December 2009
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"The One Penis Policy"
I'm a straight man and I've been in a monogamous relationship with my bisexual girlfriend for 5 months. We were each other's first boyfriend/girlfriend, we were each others first sexual partners, and I have strong emotional attachments towards her, which makes it extra-difficult for me when faced with the possibility of breaking up with her. Recently, she has developed a crush for another bisexual girl, and I'm perfectly fine with her dating other women while we're together, absolutely 0 problems whatsoever. So, she says that she wants to have an open relationship for a few months so that she can date her while we're still together. When I asked her if being in an open relationship meant that she would be allowed to date other men, she said yes, but that it was okay because I can date other women. However, I don't see myself wanting to have intimate relations with any other women than my girlfriend, except for possibly with her new girlfriend if that's something we decide to do. And I do not want to see her having intimate encounters with other men, only other women.
She says that there are no men that she's interested in right now, but if it happens in the future then it's something that we're going to have to deal with. I've asked her if there's any roles that I've been unable to fulfill and she claims that I've been the perfect boyfriend and that I'll always be her primary partner no matter what. I do a wonderful job of generously pleasuring her until she's satisfied. Unfortunately, I have suggested the idea of the "One Penis Policy", and we've been unable to compromise. We're so great together and so compatible with each other, but the mere thought of her being with another man while we're still together makes it impossible for me to maintain an erection, and if I don't break up with her before she starts dating other men then our relationship is going to be ruined regardless considering how hurt I would be (I'm already hurt knowing that she wont allow me to be her only boyfriend).
We've given each other a week away from each other so that she can pursue the beginning of the relationship with her new female partner and so that I can spend more time deciding what I want to do. I love her and I want to stay with her until the day comes when she dates another man, but at that point I'll be too hurt by the fact that I'm not her only boyfriend that I'm going to have to break it off. I've talked to all of my poly and non-poly friends and everyone seems to mutually agree that if we cant overcome this ONE problem in our current relationship, then it wasn't meant to be. I understand that I'm a jealous person and that it's something that many poly couples have to deal with, but I refuse to accept a relationship with multiple men, I'm 100% sure that it wont work, and she's pretty stubborn about having the option available even though she's not currently interested in anyone else.
It's so hard for me because it took 20 years of life on this earth actively searching for that special someone until I finally met my first girlfriend. I had attractions towards women up until that point, none of which led to anything, but those were merely lust. My girlfriend is the first person for me to have fallen in deep love with. I'm worried because no one I've ever met comes even close to how I felt about her the moment I met her. As stupid as this sounds, I'm really not sure I'll ever meet anyone else like her.
Should we break up now, due to us being unable to compromise an integral part of our relationship? Or should I continue to date her (we still love each other very much) until she finds a man she wants to date, then break it off? Since she told me this is something she wants to do for a months, and she has never expressed any interest in other men while we've dated, perhaps I should continue dating her in hopes that she doesn't find a new male partner that she's interested in during that time? I'm so emotionally attached to her that it's impossible for me to leave her right now, but the pain from breaking up with her now would be less difficult than the pain that I'll feel if she finds another man she wants to date.
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Comments (149)
This isn't completely related, but:
I do NOT understand this concept of "Oh, you're bisexual and my girlfriend? It's totes cool if you see other chicks but don't you dare see another dude." wut? Sigh.
@live_for_love@xanga - I know right? Apparently it's only OK to be a bisexual girlfriend if your boyfriend can get off to your attraction to women I guess (or at least that's the feeling I'm getting). She has feelings for women too, they're not just masturbatory fantasies that men are allowed to write off as illegitimate.
@live_for_love@xanga - @salvatruca_stalking_havok13@xanga - i agree with both.
To me, it just sounds like your girl could care less about your feelings, and is down to get down with every other person out there. Sounds to me like she's just stringing you along for the ride so she can have that emotional support. I never understood open relationships, and I guess I never will. I dont plan on ever having one. Period.
I'd split.
Double standard much? What if she ends up liking sex with a girl more than with a man? You'd have screwed yourself over anyway. I say just break up. Double standards suck.
I don't really like where this is going. I'm bisexual also and my fiance and I went through the same thing. Except I would never sleep with another guy. I had a "girlfriend", and it only took me one time of "being" with her for me to realize that I only wanted to be with him, emotionally, physically, etc. So, for her to keep it going and even add other guys into the mix is really questionable. My guess is that since you're her first and everything, she wants to experiment and get to know herself and what she really wants. Maybe she'll come back to you, maybe she won't. Whether you want to stick around and find out is up to you. Good luck. <3
Um ew much?
Just break up if she wants to be in an open relationship. That's slightly disgusting, sorry, but that's my honest opinion.
Also do you want your friends to say stuff like
"Hey, I saw your girlfriend making out with some other chick" or "She's a slut"?
Break it off for your own sake.
How is she bisexual if you're the first everything for her? Hmm and eww..If she wants to date others that means she doesnt care about you..Sorry..Break up with her now cause that stupid double standard of she can date girls but not guys thing is just going to lead to cheating and STDs....
wtf?
@live_for_love@xanga - @salvatruca_stalking_havok13@xanga - @MissPixieGlitter@xanga - I concur.
I have to be honest, this is one of the strangest things I've ever heard. Sounds like you think you're in a porno soap opera or something. Personally, I think that, if she feels the need to see other people, she isn't confident in your relationship.
I've always hated the idea of "open-relationships." And this one is just... odd.
I think if you don't like this situation, and she doesn't want to be completely just with you, then you shouldn't be with her.
ok, you HAVE to watch this movie. it's called "fling." its about a couple who decides to have an open relationship. i don't really wanna spoil the ending in case you want to watch it though. i JUST watched it last night, which makes it ironic how this post came up. ANYWAY, sorry to digress. I wouldn't do it if I was in your position. I wouldn't want to share my significant other.
You're an idiot. She's treating you like shit. That's just cruel, in my opinion based upon experience.
to me, it just sounds like she just wants to mess around and then come home to you when she's done. why are you even standing up for that? another girl is just like another guy in the relationship...i don't get it.
"the pain from breaking up with her now would be less difficult than the
pain that I'll feel if she finds another man she wants to date."
I would say break up with her now then; but if she never finds another guy you will have broken up with her over nothing (by your standards.)
I don't know if it means anything to you; but my roommate just said, she doesn't know how anyone could be in love with someone who didn't fully love them back. as much as your girlfriend loves you, she's trying to love other people too... girl or guy, is not relevent.
1) she's not willing to compromise with what you want
2) she is your #1 and the only one that you want, and she is NOT returning the level of love and dedication that you are showing her.
you guys have been dating for a very long time and are undoubtedly extremely close; but honestly, at 20 years old... you've got a long life ahead of you and if you're monogamous and she is not... you are never going to be happy with this relationship if you stay in it.
as hard as it is, you should be able to find someone else somewhere down the line who is going to love you as much as you love them, and that's what you deserve.
you don't deserve the way she's treating you and being unwilling to compromise with you. she's being selfish, and that is never, never, NEVER healthy in a relationship.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you... but good luck, and I hope everything works out to the best that it can. honestly, I feel like if you move on... you never know what you may find. I feel like there's something a whole lot better out there for you.
For me, regardless of sexual orientation I expect a person I'm with to date only me. When we're together, it's just us. Bisexuality is not a ticket to mess around.
it seems to me that she does not return the same feelings as you feel for her. if any woman, under any circumstances, wants to date other men or women, while you sit there sulking because you love her and do not want to see other women, then she obviously does not feel the same way. she might "love" you, but it's a pretty fucked up kind of love, might i say. she obviously is not ready to settle down, as you appear to be, and she wants to explore her options and see other people. so rather than sitting there pondering over what to do while your girlfriend that you are in love with is out having a ball with another girl, just break it off. i'm sorry, but that is what i would do. i am bisexual, but i do not believe in having multiple boyfriends and girlfriends. that is cheating, period. when you love someone, you love that ONE. there's no other way around it. yes, it may be hard ending things with her, but like you said, it would be much more painful to see her with another man. and honestly, i find it ridiculous that it does not bother you to see her with another girl. i know most men think it's "hot," but seriously...what if she falls in love with this woman and chooses her over you? would that not be just as painful? if she is having sexual relations with another woman, what if she is more pleasured by her than she is you? i just cannot comprehend how that does not bother you. i dated a girl once who was also in love and dating this other guy. and i happened to be friends with this guy. it tore all our relationships apart. she supposedly loved me more and wanted to marry me, but she wanted to run off together, the three of us, and live happily ever after. um, i don't think so. all i can say is that did not end well. man, just do what you think will make YOU happy. do what you believe is best for you and your future, best of luck.
She is poly and you are not. Unless you learn to be polly you'll spend all night awake wondering who or what she is fucking.
I say end it and keep her memories sweet.
@live_for_love@xanga - it's sexism. his girlfriend is hot fucking another girl. she is not hot fucking another guy.
fuck this post.
@Salivarysatisfaction - You're one of the few people who realize this girl is polyamorous unlike some commenters who are calling her a callous slut for being bisexual and/or not being monogamous. Thank you. My head was about to explode. ;_;
Yeah. Its going to hurt just as much either way, considering how you feel about her. You need to give her an ultimatum... If she cares about you the way you care about her, she wont be so stubborn to be considerate of your feelings.
If she really is so stubborn to compromise, there is no way this is going to work.. and it will probably only lead to deception and an irreparable friendship. It sounds like you both need to learn about what makes a relationship work... I suggest taking lots of time to get over it and start learning by experience, meaning dating other people.
So, I view this in a simple matter. If you love her, you should not even give her the freedom to be with another woman. What if she falls in love with her and never comes back to you? You'll beat yourself up over it because you let her date other people.
And that right there is also double standards. She can date women, but not men? She can feel the same about a women, if not stronger, than she can for a man.
Let her do what she wants for a bit I suppose. But you can't play the double standard card. If she comes back, it's meant to be. And if she decided to be with other men regardless of your final decision, then forget her. You can do better in that case!
A bit of harsh truth here; She doesn't love you. It sucks, but the sooner you realize it the sooner you can move on.
It's stories like this that continue to feed the generic bisexual stereotype of them not being devoted.
It's clear you guys dont see eye to eye in terms of the relationship. She isnt willing to sacrifice her want for many relationships for your one relationship. She is in no way monogamous, so your definition of love being only with one person will never make sense to her. Just hoping she won't meet another guy is definitely not an answer.
She is the "problem" in your relationship. Just break it off now; it's not going to be worth it in the end. She's your priority, but you may only be her option. Good luck.