Tuesday, 08 December 2009
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Nobody Can Use You Without Your Consent
Unhealthy relationships are difficult to escape. I believe that this is because we devote so much time and energy into trying to make things work out that we refuse to accept defeat.
You are being used if your significant other only gives affection or positive attention when they receive a physical, emotional, social, or financial benefit.
You do not deserve it and you're left with two choices: walk away, or confront the behavior and work it out.
Walking away is tough, and requires both courage and maturity. You have to remember that by getting rid of the negative energy revolving around the unhealthy relationship, you are allowing something better into your life. Moving on from a lost cause takes time, but you'll find it's worth it.
Confronting the situation takes major self-control. While you want to give in to make your S/O happy, you have to constantly remind yourself that you are worth more than what they're getting out of your relationship. You are worth more than your body, words, status and money.
Here are some tips:
-Try having a positive conversation. (Speak with compassion and responsibility. Stand up for yourself. Use phrases like "I feel that.." to avoid placing blame. Make it clear that you care enough about the relationship to fix it. Be sure to make your needs crystal clear.)
-Change the setting. (If you're being used for your body, hang out in a group or public setting only. Allow your S/O to learn more about your personality. If you're being used for your money, write a poem or spend an afternoon doing something free. Change up your usual habits of spending time together, it just might open their eyes to see that your more than what they're using you for.)
-Write a letter explaining your feelings. (Sure, it sounds cheesy.. Okay, really lame. But if you're like me, you'll find that it's hard to get what you really mean out when you're looking into someone's eyes. Or if you need to have a conversation with someone who constantly interrupts. A letter will make your point clear and could possibly open their eyes to how they're making you feel.)Whatever you do, act with authority. This is your body, heart, and life and nobody has the right to use you. Remember that both walking away and fixing a broken relationship can be easier said than done. Enough is enough- this behavior can really ruin your self-esteem.
Have you ever been used? How did you handle the situation?
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About the Author
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- From: TheRealMelanie@xanga
- Name: Melanie
- About Me: I'm Melanie. RTVF major. I like The Rolling Stones and The Mighty Boosh. And pretty much everything else. I want everyone to tell me their life's story. I want to understand everyone.
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Comments (12)
Very well said and very encouraging!
Judging by your post I may well be being used now.
I don't even want to go into it; it's pretty pathetic, ha ha.
I was used for my body before. It took me longer than it should have to figure out what was happening (shouldn't I want more sex and she want to talk about her feelings? wtf). When I did, I started looking for someone new.
One issue with the letter thing is that if you rely on that, you could become dependant on hiding behind those notes. So I advise that you write those notes, and if you can, use the note as a reference if you get scared or nervous.
I was being used in all aspects for almost a year, up until a couple months ago when i FINALLY broke it off. i thought the task would be impossible. he was quite literally obsessed with me, he had a LOT of personal issues, and he felt as if he NEEDED me just to basically live, and that was how i was being used. he also couldn't handle the fact that i would not have sex with him. he took it as something personal, like he was not good enough. but no, i have my own religious reasons. bottom line, breaking things off with him was one of the hardest things i've ever accomplished. i learned that i have to keep my head up, be firm, stand my ground, and don't back down. no matter what a guy says to you, you CANNOT let it affect your decisions. once you make one, stick to it, and don't try to make deals or let little things slip. i tried that, and it made things worse. also, don't try the whole "i just want to take a break" thing. it does not work with men. the best thing is to break it off permanently and hope he backs off after a while. after two months, this guy still won't leave me alone, but i am persistent, as any of you who are in a similar scenario should also be.
I gave in, then eventually walked away. Confrontation takes way more courage than walking away though in my opinion. Usually people will just walk away without making a real effort to make things work, and often times the people using you don't realize they're doing it. Other people do realize and they're just bad people heh.
Its kinda hard not to use someone when they enjoy and get off on being used, like my ex does. He genuinely does not care being used for other peoples pleasure.
Wonderful blog. I think a lot of people can relate this issue, including myself. Thanks for posting it.
@sugar_mama@xanga - I agree, it's easier said than done. The more time and emotions you invest into a person that uses you, the harder it is to walk away. I recently got out of a this situation like this, and it's taken awhile to just walk away b/c I really did care about this guy, despite the fact that he treated me like crap.
my ex bf used me for money. i knew of the situation, yet i let him use me anyway and pretended like i was okay with it. i wanted him to be happy i suppose. amazing how i can say i love the guy who treats me like this >_>
right now... im still trying to walk away.
good post! I've never been in a relationship but I prefer making my needs clear beforehand.
I was with a guy once that tried. I attempted to confront him about it and he basically refused (to make a long story short) and so I said goodbye. He turned into a bit of a stalker, though, so I'm glad I made that decision before things got even further along.
I agree with what you've said here when it comes to most relationship situations, although I think that there are some exceptions, such as those who are being physically (or in some severe emotional abuse cases) abused, are not so cut-and-dried.
However, for the majority of relationships where a person is being used, I think this is a very good post to go by. :) Those are some pretty good suggestions that you gave. :)