I never knew a one night stand that worked. I don't mean to sound like a pessimist but watching my girlfriend bounce around from one guy to another is painful.
I know she wants to settle down, get marry and have kids. She's ready. She has everything in her life in order except for a potential mate. I know it's hard for her because she's surrounded by friends who are either married, or coupled up. She goes out all the time with the sole purpose of meeting a guy. She's a romantic at heart and falls in love easily. But I can't stress enough that she's meeting them in the wrong places. She goes to parties, clubs and bars trying to land a future husband. But the guys she's meeting are looking for a fling or a night of fun.
Last Christmas, she met a guy at a bar and ended up hooking up with him for the whole weekend. He told her he really liked her and she thought this one could be it. He never called her again after that weekend. Over the past year, she's had a string of men just like that guy but she still hasn't learned that she can't just sleep with them and expect it to turn into a relationship. I've tried talking to her but she thinks I'm not being supportive. I just don't want to see her self-destruct and if I constantly hold her hand and tell her what she's doing is alright, it will only be worst in the long run. As of now, I can't introduce her to any single guys I know because they've heard of her and seen her in action. They think she's easy because she sleeps around. I tried defending her and we are in the new millennium but I can't change their opinions.
I want to tell her sex is not love, but I worry that may come out sounding like I'm calling her a slut. I really don't care if she hooks up with a ton of guys but I do want her to realize that's not how you get a guy to be in a relationship with you. How do you help someone who's so desperately seeking somebody to love without being hurtful?
Comments (20)
Try discussing the finer points of a relationship not just the physical aspects ie start by comparing friendships to relationships etc. I think a good-hearted pep talk is in order and maybe just simply reminding her what a great person she is and what she deserves.
i think eventually, on her own, she will learn. at least i hope so... one of my friends at school did the same thing for a really long while - eventually, she understood. help this friend to understand she doesn't need anyone else, and that being single for a while helps you understand what you really want in a partner - its nothing to be ashamed of. sooner or later, i think she'll get it.
well, if you're really interested in helping her out, my advice is to be blunt about it. quit trying to sugar coat the truth and just give it to her. she's being incredibly foolish and not getting anywhere with it. tell her to stop bringing home strangers. she should seriously take a break from trying to find a guy. what she really needs is some quality "alone time" so she can straighten herself out and figure out her priorities. tell her to enjoy being single because it really is wonderful, and eventually, if she learns to love and respect herself, i'm sure she'll find a man to love and respect her just the same.
Try going to the gym to meet guys, particularly rock climbing gyms =) There's lots of in shape men there that are successful and very friendly to everyone. Great place to start a friendship that could easily blossom to romance. If nothing else, you get to great group of friends keep you in tip top shape and go on fun climbing trips.
I have a friend like this :(
The only time she's ever listened to me is when she asked for my opinion on things. So you'll just have to wait until she asks, otherwise she's not going to listen.
I'll be totally honest here, I was engaged twice before I met my husband. I got sick of serious relationships with the wrong guys and I went down a pretty crazy/party girl phase. I had a "one night fling" with this guy...now he's my husband, lol.
Frankly, you find love after you stop searching for it. So maybe she should just relax a little and not worry so much about finding that right guy. Sounds like she needs to find herself a little anyway. Normally I wouldn't say that finding a guy at the bar is a good idea, but every now and then you can find a diamond among broken glass...I did.
Hope it all works out for her.
she should start attending church or some volunteering activity.
yeah...I dont think a fulfilling relationship can ever come to fruition if you have sex the first night. the first date should consist of talking, and getting to know each other. if she even has an inkling of what her future husband should be, then she should def. stay away from the one-nighters. I think it takes quite a few dates to delve into sex...but that's just me, maybe I'm just old fashioned.
@DeathzDezign@xanga - i agree! but the whole bar/club scene scene really does lend itself to that....
haha well...ok, i met my current guy at a bar, and he is AMAZING- and neither of us are bar people. so never say never. BUT he was a perfect gentleman when i met him, and still is. it sounds like the guys your friend is finding are not, not at all.
maybe rather than focus on how what she's doing is wrong for her (because only she can really make that decision, anyway), could you get her to do some things with you? like you guys could take a class or join a club, take martial arts, try out for a play, join a softball league....whatever. she'll probably meet some higher quality guys if you can get her out of the bar scene. almost all of the guys i've dated i've met through shared activities, and then you know you have something in common right away. and if you help do it with her, she'll have an easier time getting involved.
talk to her about what love is, maybe you are on different pages. ask her if she Wants help, and if so, let her just dump out exactly what she wants and then do your best to identify shortcomings in the current approach.
or... you could convince her a friend likes her and get said freind to teach her what being in a healthy relationship feels like. but also get the guy friend to pretend to have some really bad habits... like idk putting socks on door handles in the winter. or even simply some stuff that presses her buttons... cause it isn't a real relationship...i wouldn't recommend this as much but just putting it out there, gl.
I think your friend needs to be more respectful of herself. If she raised her standards, rather than accepting any willing guy than maybe she would find the right one. I feel the only way she's going to see this and what your saying is by approaching her about it and telling it to her. The truth hurts, but it'll help her in the long run. Hope things work out
Just let her be. You should be able to be honest with her if the friendship is true so don't sugarcoat your opinion. Obviously, you two are not on the same page when it comes to flings, relationships, etc. If you want to be a real friend then just be there for her if, and when, she comes to you once it's over.
I always find that when you aren't looking, your "perfect" mate just seems to pop out of nowhere...
"Sex is NOT LOVE" so true, but some many girls get caught up in the emotion of SEX that they start to see things that isnt even there!
i'm not going to lie but it almost sounds like me. i think the trick is to love yourself first and god so you don't need a man for your fulfillment. it's selfish what she's doing. i too want to get married but life as a single mother is hard. i know the right man will come along and he'll be a lucky one because i have a lot of love to give. she's young and should just take it easy or else she'll just keep hurting herself. it sounds like these guys don't care so why should she?
Somebody needs to knock (literally) some sense into her thick skull.
Sex before love = Fling
Sex after love = Romance
Sex after marriage = Soulmates
I met my current boyfriend, who I intended to be a one night stand, at a bar. We've been together nine months.
there are some things that friends just cant do.
this is one of them...
you just have to let her do it and it will be painful to watch but its the only way for her to wake up. she will eventually get bored of her ways and finally figure that she is not going to find a man like this... or heck maybe she will! all you can do is... try your best to be supportive and be there for her when she does realize. it may be a good thing or it might be ugly.
good luck.
You need to look out for her though. I always lived one hook up after another, and I got myself a pretty little reputation in my high school which eventually drove me to drop out. Sit her down and let her know you're worried...heck, I wish someone did that for me.
If she's a true friend, she'll take it no matter how it sounds.